Title: When I Grow Up
Ship: Harry/Hermione, Harry/Hermione/Luna
Rating: T
Genre: Comedy, Romance, Adventure
Warnings: OOC!Hermione/Harry ... Well, OOC everyone, Adult innuendo, Lots of kissing and suggestive concepts
Tags: World domination, Dark Lady Hermione & Luna, Dark Lord Harry, Fluff, Comedy, Guardian
Characters: Harry, Hermione, Luna, Merlin, Morgana Le Fey
Key: "Speech", 'Thought', "Speech laden with magic"
Summary: It had always started out as a joke. But joking about taking over the world had eventually led into wondering what it would be like to actually accomplish it. Then, the desire to actually try. Hermione Granger was a very intelligent girl. Intelligent, and ambitious.
All omakes at the end of this are story-related except the last one, which was a request. Rather than tell a whole story (at least for now, though that could always change,) I am simply showing interesting scenes throughout. I may also add more to this at a later date with more omakes as a separate entry.
xXxXxXx
Dark brown eyes diligently watched the crowd around King's Cross, looking for any sign of their target. These chocolate eyes, and the parents that had created them, were sitting by a bench that overlooked Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, waiting for the boy she had found in the computer system at her parents' work.
For much of the little girl's life, her parents had always pushed their daughter to excel and be the best that she could, always telling her they would be proud of anything she did and that nothing, nothing, was beyond her reach if she wanted to try hard enough. At the tender age of three, when a mind is quite malleable and developing the foundation for what it would become in the future, she had asked if she could become a princess, and later a queen.
The good-natured humoring a parent would provide for their children rarely took a course such as it did with Hermione Granger.
Becoming a queen had led to ruling a country. But why stop there? Why not rule more and more? The little girl had asked her parents if she could become queen of the country. Then the world.
"If you try hard enough," they had told her. "If you work hard and apply yourself as hard as possible in everything you do, then anything is possible." Hermione was so happy that she even promised her parents Australia, a country that they had been wanting to visit for years, but had neglected to travel to.
It had become something of a running joke in their family. Hermione would make plots and plans, writing up elaborate methods by which she would take over the world, first in crayon, then pen, but had been rather disappointed to learn you had to be an adult to acquire an army.
That was, of course, until she learned of a place called 'primary school' where there were a bunch of little minions just waiting to be bent to her will. After her first year, however, and many trips to a woman who seemed to control the faculty with an iron fist, Hermione learned there was yet more opposition to ruling the world.
Then she also got in trouble for her use of the word 'bugger'. Apparently, little girls aren't meant to say such things.
Since then, she learned everything she could and did the best she could, yearning for the day she could be a true queen again. She had to release her preschool class from her service once the women in charge had learned what she had done. It was fun while it lasted, though.
But then an old, stern, Scottish woman had come to her home on her eleventh birthday and told her about a wonderful world of magic! Learning of their culture and that they had bookstores, Hermione used every bit of her saved allowance, which was in a box entitled "minion fund", and bought books on the wizarding world and on those she learned had tried to rule the world before her, called Lords and Ladies. Well, they used the term dark, but of course they would! To become their ruler, you had to dominate them! That was the point!
And she rather liked the black corset look...
She had also learned that they didn't watch for underage magic use until after you started Hogwarts, it seemed. She had been practicing spells since the day of her birthday since she had managed to get her parents to take her to get her books and wand.
And it was then, in several of her books, that she had learned about Harry Potter.
Harry Potter, it seemed, was quite powerful. Even as a toddler, barely a year old, he had somehow beaten the last dark lord who had killed his family. Hermione knew that was just too much power to be at odds against. Regardless of how any of it had happened, which was never quite clear.
Therefore, it only made sense to turn him into an ally. Someone who had been stopping dark lords since he was one couldn't be expected to not stop a dark lady, after all.
Those same books had said that the leader of the light, a goofy-looking man named Albus Dumbledore who had apparently been caught doing a horrible thing to a goat, had hidden Harry away in the non-magical world. Hermione was intelligent. If Harry was in that world, he went to school. If he went to school, then he had public records.
So she found them.
Through judicious use of puppy dog eyes, a magical power she had known about for quite a long time, and begging her father, who has long-since been her oldest minion and always wrapped around her finger, she was able to find him and learn about him. The real him. Not the one printed about in books sold to the public that spoke of great feats of bravery and powerful magics. It was really quite sad.
Harry Potter was a slave. A minion to his aunt and uncle where they used him like a common servant. Hermione strongly wanted to go in there and turn them all into toads!
But she hadn't learned to do that yet.
No. Harry Potter was this cute little thing with dreamy eyes that made her decide that she didn't just want an ally. If she were to be a queen, she realized there was something very, very important she would need to succeed.
A king.
Thus, with the sudden surge of hormones and childishly lecherous thoughts as she saw the boy work, Hermione Granger realized, she needed a boyfriend. And the boy with the pretty green eyes and lopsided smile, which she had seen when he saw a family walk down the road, was just the one she selected. Harry Potter was all of the things she knew she would want in a boyfriend: powerful, smart, knew how to cook and clean, very handsome, if a touch on the scrawny side. He would have to be trained to have a backbone and to be a good boyfriend, probably not to hunch his back, too, but she saw a lot of potential in him.
And that was what led her to stand with her parents outside of the portal to the magical side of the station.
Hermione Granger was gonna bag herself a husba- er, boyfrie- er, ... well, she was gonna catch him. She wasn't totally sure what she was going to do with him, yet. She knew she would need a king, and she may as well go with the one boy her own age she knew would best be able to help her. After all, she could help him, too, by letting her parents submit all the information she had found on Harry's apparent relatives and, when they couldn't account for the boy when the authorities would come knocking, he would be free of them. And through him, she would gain his fame to begin acquiring minions, though she knew she would have to share them with him. Sharing was important and, once married, her minions would be his minions, and the opposite held true. She would just have to find out if that was what he wanted, first.
But still, every important woman needed a champion to fight under her banner. Even if he turned out to not be good boyfriend material, then he would be a great and powerful warrior for her.
Then she saw him! He was walking along with a giant of a man who gave him a ticket and then left, leaving the boy to look confused and then ask one of the station guards something, showing off his shiny ticket. The guard obviously got upset and then walked off, not bothering to help him. 'That's not right,' Hermione thought to herself. Obviously, Harry Potter had no idea where the entrance was.
Hermione walked the few dozen feet over to Harry and stuck out her hand. "Hermione Granger. Are you new to Hogwarts? I saw your ticket."
Relief flooded Harry's eyes as he warily took the girl's hand, making Hermione's focus turn to his emerald greens, fascinated by how vivid they were. "Yes. I don't suppose you know where the platform is?"
Hermione nodded. "Yes. It's hidden so non-magicals can't find it," she said, dragging him along to meet her parents as any prospective boyfriend was supposed to. While she didn't know if he would meet up to her standards yet, it was still only the polite thing to do! "Mum, Dad. This is Harry. Harry, this is my mum and dad."
"Er, hello," Harry offered, wondering where the platform was and trying to remember when he gave the girl his name. "I'm Harry Potter."
"Pleased to meet you, Harry," the taller woman said, hunkering down to look at the boy's eyes. They really were something special. "I'm Morgan. This is Emrys."
"Hello," Emrys said, shaking Harry's hand and making a mental note of the callouses. He had seen the boy working when he took his daughter to see where he lived, but something told him it wasn't simple house work that caused those hands to be a bit rough like that. House work didn't give you callouses.
"We should be going. We don't want to miss the train," Hermione said, hugging her parents one last time and then dragging her trunk to a brick pillar where she explained the portal to Harry. "Professor McGonagall says there are charms to make non-magicals not notice anything magical or strange happening around here. We just walk through that wall under the clock. It's an illusion to look like brick, but it's actually a door to take us to the other side." To show him, she simply walked through, pushing her trunk ahead of her, just in case.
Harry blinked a moment before looking at Hermione's parents with a bewildered expression. "Wouldn't a door have worked?" Sighing, he pushed after her, calling out a last minute thank you to the adults.
"It is a little curious that she was born into a time and age where someone like him was around to be with her, no?" Emrys asked, no longer pretending to not see the door his wonderful daughter had run through.
Morgan snorted daintily. "Don't look at me. It was your own little swimmers that broke through our perfect protection. Or at least it had been for the past thousand years."
"Ah, my sweet Morgana," Emrys said, slipping into the cultured tones he had grown up with as his arms snaked around her waist. "You know you longed for motherhood and you were just as thrilled with this as I. I told you the odds were one in a billion. It wasn't my fault that we simply caught up to them."
"Oh great and powerful Merlin," Morgana teased, "even after a millennium, your lusts haven't abated."
"For you my dear, never! What do you say we give another sighting like we did in the good old days, hm? First one to be recognized selects our dining location tonight?"
"Catch me if you can, magic man!" Morgana smirked and disappeared in black flames.
xXxXxXx
When Harry got to the other side, he saw Hermione waiting for him, very few people milling about since the train still wouldn't be scheduled to leave for another three hours yet. Vernon hadn't been about to take being late into work just for the freak of the household and making the boy wait, possibly to be kidnapped, was too great an incentive to get him there early. Hermione and her parents just believed in being plenty early and Hermione had been wanting to wait for the boy.
"Would you like to share a compartment?" Hermione asked, now a little more nervous that she was in unfamiliar territory and didn't have her parents just behind her. Her voice, which had been confident and a little bossy was now somewhat vulnerable and pleading.
Harry took to it like a lifeline. "That'd be nice." He followed the strange little girl through the train, wondering at his new friend. Her hair was rather bushy, but then again, his wasn't all that cooperative, either. She had shiny brown eyes that, oddly, made him hungry. He assumed it was because they reminded him of the chocolate he would sometimes get from school or old Mrs Figg. Her teeth were a little large, but well-kept and she had a wonderful smile because of them. Oddly, she was about five inches taller than he was. He would, through talking with her later, learn that she was almost a year older than him.
She moved with little of the awkwardness that was in little kids. Her apparent core nature seemed to be transferred to her limbs and every action was performed as if she held no possible reservation in them as some would as she put her full being into each action, each movement. She knew her reach, she knew her abilities, and she put her all into even the littlest of things.
He didn't recognize that on a conscious level, of course, but he noted it, all the same. The only thing he really consciously noted was that she smiled at him and seemed to want to be his friend.
"So, again, I'm Hermione Granger, future ruler and princess of the world. My parents are non-magical dentists. Have you practiced any magic over the summer?" Hermione asked as she sat, making Harry a little nervous at the sudden bombardment of questions. That was okay though, since he would be less likely to think up a lie.
Well, it was okay for her. He'd have probably had an objection if he'd considered it.
"Er. I'm Harry Potter. I'm ... er, not a future anything. My parents were both magical, I think, but they're dead now." Harry said, trying to keep up with the bundle of girly energy in front of him. She had an ... essence, or feel about her that was drawing him in. She seemed to honestly want him around and that made her the first person he had ever met that made him simply feel as though he belonged or was wanted. He liked it. "Er, why do you want to rule the world?"
Hermione's dark brown eyes blinked. "Well, I suppose every girl wants to be a princess, right?" She asked, getting an unsure nod. "Well, I'm not royalty, but my parents always told me I can be anything I want to be if I try hard enough."
"That ... sounds nice," Harry said quietly and with more than a touch of wistful in his expression. "I was always told I'd be lucky if I made it through puberty." He couldn't figure out why he wanted to talk to this girl, or share anything that happened before that morning, but it felt nice talking to this girl.
Hermione's expression softened as she moved over next to him and enveloped him in a hug. "You are worth something, Harry. You can be anything you want to be, too! Anyone can! You just have to want something more than anyone else in case they want it, too! I mean, if you want to rule the world, and another person does too, then only one of you can. So you just have to try harder. Do you know what you want to be?"
Harry shook his head negatively after a scant second of reasoning. "I'm pretty good at cooking, so I suppose I could be a chef. I'm also okay at gardening-"
"No," Hermione shook her head. "Those are things you know how to do and anyone can do. But what you want, and what you desire, those are what we should grow up and try our hardest for! You don't have to decide now, after all. We're still young. I know what I want. I'll help you to be what you want, too, as long as it isn't to rule the world," she said with a bright grin, showing a mouth full of perfect white teeth.
Harry smiled. "I'd like that. I'll help you, too," he promised. Maybe some time down the road, he'd be able to have a family. What he wanted? He didn't really know. But one thing he had always desired was a family.
"Really? Great! I was actually going to ask about that," Hermione said, hugging Harry tightly. "I've also got books about your family I'll let you borrow. It may give you ideas. I don't know how much of it is real, though, because none of them were right about you."
"My family?" Harry asked, surprised. "And, what were you wanting to ask?"
Hermione, unlike Harry, was having no trouble whatsoever in keeping up with Harry's questions. "Yea! There's a whole section in the book store related to you and families in the wizarding world! I got some and I'll loan them to you!" Hermione said, spinning in the seat so she could face Harry. "And I was going to ask if you wanted to help me rule the world, but you already said you would," she said happily, hugging him again.
"But, every princess needs a champion or knight! So, you would be my protector! And when I rule the world, I'll be a queen! So, I'll need a king, naturally, so you can be my boyfriend, too! I'll be your girlfriend, too, so we'll be best friends and always there for each other!"
A part of Harry was desperately wanting more information about his parents, while an even larger part still couldn't help but hear that simple statement echoing loudly and proudly in his head: "We'll be best friends and always there for each other!" Something within him, buried deep down, bruised and beaten, stirred to life. Some part of him that had nearly been destroyed with the Dursleys chose to accept this freely-offered friendship, and whatever the rest meant, and cultivate it with a nurturing power the likes of which his aunt Petunia's garden would envy even in Plant Heaven (which he would later learn was the greenhouse that belonged to a plump woman named Sprout, of all things.)
"Deal," Harry said with a grin. "And it seems like that's going to be an important job. Maybe I'll make that what I want in life. To get to that same place with you. I promise I'll try really hard to be the best champion ever for you. I won't ever let anything hurt you, Empress," he finished with a strange little smirk that would forever be for only his new queen or those who were about to perish under his wand. This was like one of those King Arthur stories, or the ones about the Knights of the Round Table! Or whatever! He couldn't remember the things about knights and magic he had only ever half-heard in passing since any books or talks about them would be a sure beating with the Dursleys.
Hermione blushed at what was to be her new pet name from Harry. "Er, thank you, my Champion," she said, feeling a powerful warmth trying to burst from her heart. "You realize no champion or knight can suffer at the hands of an enemy, right? And that's what the Dursleys are. So, if you want, I can get my parents to make sure you never have to go back. You might even be able to stay the summers with us."
'No more Dursleys?' Harry thought. 'The only things touching my queen are going to be things she wants touching her. Anything else gets crushed. Messily.' The strength of the feelings Harry had at that moment terrified even him with the fierce protectiveness of this bushy-haired goddess, as he was sure she could be nothing less. He would crush armies beneath her feet at this point.
Thankfully, she wasn't cruel. She just wanted a shiny seat, shiny scepter, the pretty dresses (as she already obtained a black corset while in Diagon Alley that she couldn't wait to try on for her real instead of her mirror) and possibly Sarah Jenkins from primary school as her court jester. That girl was a horrible bully!
And maybe a petting zoo, too.
"I'd like that," Harry finally told the girl, letting the feelings of happiness and relief crash against him like waves. "When do we start?"
"Well, I was always taught that when you have a goal, you should put your all into it," Hermione explain, looking thoughtful. "It's how I've managed to learn so much and why I know all the things I do. I've even been able to get some of the kids from the schools I went to before to be my minions, but the staff forced me to let them go," she grumbled. "But, I found out that it's perfectly acceptable to have minions or slaves in the wizarding world! But we have to treat them well! They may be slaves and forced to do our bidding, but we'll pay them fair wages and give them a health plan! My parents would never forgive me if I didn't make sure they had a good dental plan."
"So, how do we start now?" Harry asked excitedly. "If I'm going to be the best to protect you, then the sooner I start, the better! I wasn't even allowed to open my books, so I really don't know what to do. And I have no clue how to be a knight or a champion or a boyfriend." He blushed at the end. Of course, so did Hermione.
"Well, I've seen some dating movies and older kids who date. The boys just protected them and they kissed a lot," she said through an ever-increasing blush and grin.
"But I don't know how to kiss," Harry complained.
"Practice makes perfect," Hermione said before she pounced.
xXxXxXx
"The boy latched onto his role almost immediately," Emrys said with wide eyes. He and Morgan were, perhaps unfairly, listening in on their daughter's conversation. Well, they were listening to a lot of slurping and smacking noises once the conversation had ended. Had they not known their little girl's plan from the beginning, they'd be rather worried about that. To say nothing if they were a little older.
"Well, his Persona is that of a Guardian, my dear," Morgan said with a dark smirk as she sipped her wine. Her dear husband had gone out in full-bore regalia with the long beard, staff and an aura of power, causing his name to be muttered in shock. Whether because they recognized him or deified him, she couldn't be sure. She still planned on getting him back for it.
"I'm telling you, it can't be a coincidence that our little girl has a world domination fetish and the first Guardian we've encountered in six hundred years are going to school with one another." Emrys continued to massage his wife's feet, trying to appease her temper for his apparently bad joke earlier.
"Perhaps not. But I'm thankful for it all the same," Morgan said as she tilted her head back and allowed the wine to put her into a wonderful mellow. This was a stock that was older than the school their daughter was going to, but they felt it only appropriate to drink something special to toast their daughter's milestone. "Since we've allowed ourselves to fade into obscurity, she shall be considered a muggleborn child. Their foolish notions of purity would see her harmed or mocked because of this. I do not see this boy allowing it, now."
"Kissing is bloody brilliant!" The two heard from the charm on the pendant Morgan was wearing, which held their end of the charm cast on Hermione's necklace. Apparently, their daughter had just come up for air and the boy had taken that moment to let his thoughts be known.
"No," Emrys stated. "No, I don't think he will." For some reason, all Emrys was thinking at that moment was that this boy had better know his manners. Dumbledore was famed for forgetting more magic than most people learned in their lifetime. Emrys never forgot anything.
"Really?" Morgan laughed throatily, sounding very highly amused. "Oh, Emrys! Don't tell me you are falling prey to that stereotypical father obsession!"
"And why not?" Emrys asked, sounding affronted. "She is my daughter and I have always been honest with her. I support her in any possible thing she could ever strive for. If it is world domination, so be it. If it is to capture this boy, fine! But I will make sure he is proper for her."
"Emrys," Morgan said carefully, "we have sworn to never alter a person's personality. And he's a Guardian, at that. He would be immune to the mind magics that would be required unless his Will has been completely shattered with his upbringing."
"Not what I meant, love," Emrys told her, crawling up to taste the wine that glistened on her lips. He pulled back with a smirk. "I just mean I'm going to ... correct ... that which has been broken. Also, if he's going to be protecting my little girl, I may as well enhance his natural talents."
"Emrys! They're children!" Morgan scolded.
"Not those ones," Emrys corrected, looking disgusted. "Good gods, woman! I have no intention of helping a boy in that regard with my daughter!"
xXxXxXx
Emrys gave all of the boys a minute after they closed their curtains before he cast a massive wave of magic that caused them all to sleep deeply enough to be legally considered dead. It was ten o'clock, and the new Prefect, Persimmon or something, was dead-set on getting all the first-years into bed by curfew, shining his badge the whole way.
Once all was quiet, he opened the curtains nearest the window and smiled as he saw the sleeping boy that his daughter had spent two and a half hours kissing, with occasional breaks to talk and get to know one another.
He should know. He had to listen to the whole bloody thing.
Still, he couldn't allow the negligence that had befallen the boy continue or remain. This was a Guardian. Some souls, a rare few, were created with various core principles. Most people did what they wanted, striving for whatever struck their fancy before eventually giving up, not wanting to put the work into it to accomplish. Their daughter, for example, was one of these. However, with a nurturing environment, she grew to be a strong-willed girl who strove for excellence in every single thing she did.
That was another thing that had him gnashing his teeth as the kissing session continued. There were far too many surprised squeaks to have been completely innocent, he thought.
But this wasn't about scaring away potential suiters. At least not yet.
This boy, as a Guardian, had a soul whose natural inclination was that of a protector and warrior, one who strove for his very own sense of purpose and Justice. A lesser man could have fallen victim to his upbringing and that sense of Justice would have been warped and twisted until he felt Justice was towards the betterment of a single class, species or somehow segregated part of society, such as Pureblood or the poor. However, his own sense of Justice and a little self-worth had made him push away from such a thing when it meant becoming like those who raised him.
And now he had selected to protect his little girl. Emrys could honestly say he was okay with that.
However, the boy was small for his age, and a bit on the scrawny side. That was one of the things Emrys was here for. He waved his hand, divesting the sleeping boy of all his clothes and then closed his eyes, channeling power and accepting what the school, able to sense what this boy was, began to offer him.
Harry Potter, over the course of the next hour, slowly gained seven inches of height and grew thirteen pounds of muscle, which would stretch his skin just enough to look somewhat impressive on an eleven-year old. His previously broken bones healed and became far stronger in such a way that steel was. His hearing wasn't touched upon, as growing up in a quiet cupboard had actually improved those beyond average, though his vision was going to be a pain to fix and would have to wait.
Maybe whenever the boy suffered an inevitable head injury, Emrys could return. Worst-case scenario, Emrys would tweak a few emotions and have someone whack him upside the head, which would also give the boy reason to let off steam if necessary.
Emrys really didn't want his daughter to help out with such a thing, quite yet. She seemed far too ready to give kisses whenever Harry spoke of things that bothered him or related to his past. It also didn't help that the boy was getting more comfortable talking about it, either.
After adding in some basic elemental protection to the boy's body again heat and cold, Emrys looked down and sighed. "I'm going too soft," he mumbled to himself. "You had better protect my little girl, Harry. Her mother and I had already established ourselves as muggle and were looking for a good few decades away from magic for a while, so we're going to be keeping an eye out, but because of who you are, and because we have to let her grow on her own, we're trusting you with her and her safety. But because of that, I'm not about to take chances, either. Just please don't tell Morgana or she'll cut me off again." Since he was sleeping and couldn't hear anyway, Emrys didn't mind telling the truth. But even with that knowledge of unconscious oblivion, he wasn't about to say what he was going to get cut off from.
Instead, Emrys held out his right hand as though holding a ball and channeled his own incredible power, copying some of his knowledge and pooling that in his open palm where a blue-white light glowed brilliantly like a jewel made of light. In it, he put the basic rules of potion-making, charms, transfiguration and combat, along with the true nature of magic so he could learn to harness wandless magic as quickly as possible, hopefully ensuring Hermione's good health.
Then he shoved it all up Harry's nose.
Emrys leaned down as the information was being assimilated into Harry's mind, becoming his own. "Protect my princess, Harry," he said quietly. Then he waved his hand, giving Harry back his clothes and removing the enchantment from all of the lifeforms in the dormitory before disappearing.
xXx Omake Theater xXx
Omake 1: How it started
One week.
All it had taken was one week of Harry affectionately calling Hermione 'Princess' before half of Gryffindor, oddly all of Hufflepuff, eleven Ravenclaws and two highly cautious Slytherins before Hermione realized she and Harry had acquired their first minions. Though, most of the females had taken to Harry. Apparently, the new clothes he had purchased for himself shrank in the wash and were a bit tight in the chest. And the way he doted on Hermione seemed to have them all googly-eyed.
One week and one day before she obtained her first two 'Fools', redheaded twins who looked shocked when they woke up in hats with pointy tips with bells on them, to say nothing of the curly shoes with bells.
It was one week, one day, and one hour before they were dancing and entertaining their princess with her strong-armed enforcer, boyfriend or ... well, they honestly didn't bother discussing what he was. Only what making Princess Hermione happy made Scary Harry happy.
One week, one day, one hour and twenty minutes before the royal duo were in the Headmaster's office with the various heads of house.
"Miss Granger, you cannot go about, taking all of the various children as your minions," Dumbledore tried to explain to the girl.
"Bugger!" She wasn't a little girl anymore. That was obvious because she didn't get in trouble for saying it. 'One step closer to world domination!'
"Obviously, she can," Harry stated simply. "She has done so, and not a single one was forced into their service."
"Mister Potter," Dumbledore sighed, holding up a hand to keep Severus Snape from saying something that would get him beat up by the first-year student again. He had been in the hospital wing overnight and they still couldn't figure out where all the potion bottles that had been shoved up his ... well, they still couldn't account for all the potions bottles. "Taking minions like this would only get the various families and governments involved. Blatantly commanding people about is only going to get her into trouble."
"Of course!" Hermione cried out gleefully. She immediately dropped her book bag and began sifting through the numerous tomes within until she found the one she was apparently looking for. "Aha! Here it is! 'How to Become the Dominant Military Presence on Your Elementary School Playground'! I misunderstood one of the most important steps!"
"The what!" Dumbledore half-shrieked, aghast. He looked at the front of the book as she opened it up to the first chapter and, indeed, that had been the title of the book.
Curious, Harry sifted through the other books in her bag that were in the same spot as the one Hermione had withdrawn. "Huh. 'Pop Goes the Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games', 'The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy'?"
"For your next series of lessons," Hermione explained simply.
"'Dad's New Wife, Timothy'?" He asked, looking up at her.
"Neville seems a little skittish," Hermione stated. "I'm cross-referencing that to see if his symptoms match."
"'Leathers, Whips and Chain: The Complete Guide to-'," Harry was cut off as Hermione grabbed the book and shoved it into her bag, closing it immediately.
"Er, that one is for ... um, personal study," she said with a blush. Only Snape noticed Madam Sprout's sudden interest, if his horrified face meant anything. "Anyway, this one, 'How to Become the Dominant Military Presence on Your Elementary School Playground', said that you should build up your forces, but that you have to be strong enough to stand up to any opposition! I was thinking it meant personal, but it means my new army!"
"Yes, the 'Evil Empire Handbook' says much the same," Snape stated. "You can find it in the library here. The Slytherins usually check it out early, but it is still early enough you may find a copy. It's in the same section as the school books on bondage, love potions, legal loopholes, slavery magics and power-increasing rituals."
"Oh, thank you, Professor!" Hermione said happily, grabbing Harry's hand and her bag, dragging him to the library immediately.
"Wait! I haven't ... oh, forget it," Dumbledore gave up.
xXxXxXx
Omake 2: Troll
"RAH!" Harry yelled, pulling his arm backwards and wandlessly flinging the large mountain troll away from Hermione, who was cowering on the floor, through the wall on the other side of the bathroom and into the classroom.
"Harry!" Hermione cried out in tears, rushing to the boy and burrowing her face into his neck, sobbing at nearly having lost her life. She had been unable to tear her eyes away as the tree-sized club bore down on her.
"Shh," Harry cooed into her ear. "It's okay, Empress. I'm here. I'll always be here, I promise."
Hermione succumbed to the feelings of safety and peace in Harry's arms and looked up, wanting to say her thanks, but instead leaning forward and kissing him as she clung to him.
"Grar," the troll grunted as it got up, shaking its head at the strange woozy feeling it had.
Harry and Hermione turned to look at the smelly beast, the first in fury and the second in fear. Then Harry's hand came up and began jerking to the side in time with the troll's club.
"Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself!"
Hermione giggled.
xXxXxXx
Omake 3: Other plans
"Where is that boy?" Dumbledore asked himself, standing invisible in the room that held the Mirror of Erised as Professor Quirrell, possessed by the Dark Lord Voldemort, was attempting to figure out how to get the Sorcerer's Stone.
"M-Master! Did you h-hear s-something?" Quirrell asked.
"No, you sniveling lump of squib!" The back of the Defense Professor's head responded.
Several minutes later, Dumbledore let out what he had hoped was going to be a silent fart. But of course, luck was not with him tonight.
"There it is again, Ma-Master!" Quirrell squeaked out as he jumped.
"Silence, fool! We must figure out the Muggle-Lover's protections to get the stone!" The back of the head seemed to growl in displeasure. "We will never get another opportunity like tonight! The fool Dumbledore went to an Emergency Wizengamot session and the boy and his mudblood planned to learn how to use a paddle on her!"
"He what!" Dumbledore shrieked in a female-like scream.
"I heard it again, Master!"
xXxXxXx
Omake 4: Flamels
"The old man sent another letter apologizing," Morgan said with a smile. "Apparently, he is feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for taking it upon himself to destroy our Philosopher's Stone."
Emrys chuckled. "I still can't believe that man. We taught him everything he knows about Alchemy, and he still thinks it's possible to make one! Gods! But I am thankful it was a good cover for explaining our apparent, unchanging youth."
"We want anything since he's ripe for the manipulating?" Morgan asked.
Emrys thought for a moment, thinking back upon his daughter's letters. "Well..."
Two days later, Snape was screaming in unholy horror as he was suspended upside down from his balls using barbed wire and salt, just like one Hermione Granger had described in a letter home when describing how horrible the man was to her.
xXxXxXx
Omake 5: Luna Lovegood
"Hullo," a blonde-haired, gray-eyed, oddly-dressed and apparently friendly girl said as she opened the door on the two second-year students who were happily engaged in each other's mouths.
Hermione pulled back and flipped a leg over Harry so she was no longer straddling him and sat on the seat naturally. The two had arrived early for the train, so much so that it actually wouldn't leave for another five hours and there wasn't a single other soul about but the three of them. "Er, hello. Sorry about that, we just didn't expect anyone to be here at six this morning."
"Do you mind if I sit with you?" The blonde girl requested, tilting her head to the side and allowing the others to see her radish earrings and the wand behind her ear. "I was hoping to speak with you and, since it's early, we can get our talk out of the way. If you do not like what I have to say, then I can simply be on my way and you back to partially ravishing one another."
"That seems fair," Harry piped up with a grin.
Luna nodded and swiftly sat down in front of the other two gracefully. "My name is Luna Lovegood. I was born October thirty-first, nineteen-eighty, a mere three months after Harry. I am classed a pureblood. Here is my resumé," she said, handing a small stack of papers to the shocked Harry, and an identical set to the suddenly all-business Hermione.
"As you can see, I have an OWL-level understanding of theory on all Hogwarts courses, practicals are solid up to third-year and in regards to electives, I am well-versed in Ancient Runes and Arithmancy, along with warding and curse-breaking. I also have an extensive history with magical and mundane creatures."
"How...?" Harry wondered aloud, reading through the frighteningly well-qualified girl's resumé.
"As a Pureblood, even if my family doesn't subscribe to the usual politics and bias, I was well-taught in Pureblood etiquette, laws and customs, along with wizarding business practices since my father owns and runs his own newspaper, and I come with a pre-existing media outlet where we can print true or dis-information as required for your needs."
"I'm impressed," Hermione said, nodding as she read. "It says here you've also had wife training? I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that."
Luna blushed lightly. "My mother died when I was six, and my father was unsure of how to raise me. Thus, he decided to give me training in everything my mother had done for him or things he heard others saying were good for wives to know. Thus, I have training in massage and massage therapy, psychology, cooking, cleaning, dancing and an education in running a household in the magical world. The only thing it lacked in was the one thing my father couldn't seem to stand me learning in regards to the sexual side of things, though I did manage to find the oldest and most sought-after book on the subject: The Kama Sutra. I've not been able to practice anything but the stretches and positions, however, so I class my knowledge and abilities as a beginner."
"It says here on your front page that you're looking for a position as co-wife?" Hermione asked, her voice coming out as neutral as possible while mixed with a light growl.
"A part of the package, I'm afraid," Luna frowned. "I do not wish to take over the world, nor do I wish to hold a position of power. My interests are self-serving, mostly. With you, I will work for free, but ask that we look for a way to possibly revive my mother if we can find a suitable method that isn't totally heinous. But, daddy always said I am not allowed to go cavorting around the countryside or on any long trips with a boy unless he intends to be my husband."
"How did that conversation come up?" Harry asked, finally having something presented to him that he could follow.
"The other newspaper said you were going to save us all, one week, and then the next, you were the next dark lord. Daddy was unsure which to believe, so to ensure that I don't get hoodwinked and you take my cherries, which is a little silly since I don't even carry any, you must be my husband, or my betrothed. That is also where my knowledge of law and Pureblood customs comes into play. As the last of an ancient line, it is allowed to have more than a single wife. But two is the limit. So, instead of waiting as my father suggested, I felt it prudent to get my resumé in post haste."
"Hm," Hermione said as she frowned, reading the last page. "Well, your work ethic looks wonderful, your layout of your resumé is superb, you come well-qualified and you've certainly put a lot of thought into this."
Harry looked over to Hermione with wide eyes.
"I assume the usual magical oath for our minions won't work in this situation, but the standard Promising Rights for betrothed couples should do nicely."
"Thank you, Hermione!" Luna said happily, shaking the brunette's hand before shifting to Harry's. "I promise I won't let you down! Now! Shall I take up my girlfriend duties now, or would you rather wait until we get to Hogwarts?"
"Oh, no!" Hermione said, looking affronted. "If you're going to do anything, you should put your all into it! Never give only a partial effort! You snog Harry. I'm going to draw up new plans for domination of your year."
Luna mumbled her agreement through Harry's lips.
xXxXxXx
Omake 6: We Meet Again, Arch Nemesis!
Albus Dumbledore sighed wearily as he let the stairs to his office take him up, not having the energy to move on his own. He had spent the whole day trying to piece together what had happened. Suddenly, the wards had gone completely crazy, registering so many actual students that the tracking wards just simply shut down. He had no way of knowing for sure what it was, but the school said it was filled to the brim with current students, and so many, in fact, that it lost track of them all.
Somehow, he suspected Miss Granger, Miss Lovegood and Mister Potter. He didn't know how, he didn't know why, but they were really the only ones who could cause this kind of trouble. Since the three had met the year before, nothing seemed to go right! Any time he tried to use the law to get the boy back into his clutches, he seemed to automatically know how to counter him! When he felt he could activate the marriage contract between the youngest Weasley and Mister Potter, he found it was null and void do to a pre-existing contract that had already been activated! And as if to smack the headmaster in the face, there were two in place!
And now, with Sirius Black having apparently come to Hogwarts, he found that all of the sealed information about him was somehow unsealed and it was shining light on the fact that escaped man, who was now proven in the Quibbler to have never been an actual convict, had never had a trial. Then, it pointed out that he didn't have a dark mark, but more than a dozen death eaters who did have such a mark, including their potions professor, did have trials, did have evidence to support their guilt, and that they actually escaped justice.
And for whatever reason, there were now more than a hundred times as many students in the school actually registered and erroneously being tracked by the wards.
Or they would be if the wards were active.
Dumbledore opened his door with a weak push, only to stop as he saw that his office had somehow been spun around so he was facing the back of his large, black leather chair.
Which then chose to slowly spin around, showing Hermione Granger sitting there, stroking a purring tabby cat that had been charmed pure white. It was not, however, enough to hide the cat's identity.
"Minerva?" Dumbledore breathed out, shocked.
"We meet again, Mister Dumbledore," Hermione said, petting the cat again.
"What do you think you're doing in my office, Miss Granger?" Dumbledore asked. He would figure out how the office was changed later when he had her revert it back to normal.
"Did you now, Headmaster Dumbledore, that two people who strive for the same goal and position will eventually have to compete for it?"
Dumbledore blinked, feeling very confused. "I don't understand, Miss Granger."
"You are attempting to rule the wizarding world, Mister Dumbledore. I do not take kindly to that," Hermione stated in a clipped voice.
"I am trying to do no such thing!" Dumbledore said, looking outraged. "All I have ever done is hope to lead the wizarding world into a new age of peace and-"
"Oh, stuff it," Hermione interrupted, glaring at the old man and shocking him into obeying. "We gathered enough clues, Mister Dumbledore, to learn at least a part of your plans. Hiding away Harry, leaving him ignorant of both his heritage and his legacy, keeping him ignorant of the Prophecy and manipulating students to where you wish them to be led."
Dumbledore paled.
"We are well aware you are not a Pureblood supremacist, but that you hope to correct the inbreeding problem and that you hope to control the populace until you have them where you wish them to be led. We searched and found your notes. Very untidy, Mister Dumbledore."
Suddenly, Dumbledore found himself stripped of his wand and the Elder Wand before being magicked onto a table that disillusioned itself once he was firmly attached. Then he was slapped with magic-blocking manacles and found himself in a position of mercy.
Harry and Luna made themselves visible once the man was caught.
"Did you think we wouldn't find out you were trying to take Harry from us?" Luna asked, stepping over to the wall at the side of the room as Harry changed the position of the table top so the Headmaster was looking towards the wall Luna was clearing and making a smooth, white screen even as the boy strapped the headmaster's head firmly in place so it couldn't be turned.
"Did you think we wouldn't stop you?" Harry hissed into the hairy ear of the Leader of the Light.
"Do you expect me to talk?" Dumbledore asked, remembering a situation like this from his youth. It had turned out to be a pleasant experience, but he doubted this was going the same way. He was strapped down on his back, not his stomach.
"No, Mister Dumbledore," Hermione said, finally standing and cuddling the purring cat in her arms. The cat had spent two hours in a large pile of fresh catnip. She could see Fluffy and think it was the funniest thing ever right now. "We expect you to die!"
Suddenly, Dumbledore's face was filled with the smiling face of Luna Lovegood from the side. "At least on the inside."
The lights dimmed and the wall was suddenly filled with what would end up being forty-eight hours of something called, "The Teletubbies".
When Poppy Pomfrey found the Headmaster, he was a broken man.
Who kept singing the most annoying, but addictive, song...