I wish we would just give up, 'cause the best part is falling.
Call it anything but love.
And I will make sure to keep my distance.

-Christina Perri-

The only thing Lily Evans hated even more than being wrong was admitting something was her fault. Growing up her mother's favorite was always Petunia, and although at the time Lily was close with her sister, she still found it annoying. 'Oh, Petunia couldn't have possibly done that!' her mother would say. But then as soon as Lily did something wrong, her mother would always bring it up in a later argument. She'd tell her, 'Oh Lily you said that last time!' Or, 'Lily, I still don't trust you after that one time…'

It was infuriating.

She'd never wanted to be the golden child; it was far too much pressure for her, but at the same time she didn't want to be the bad kid. And in Petunia's tall boney shadow, Lily, the top of her class, one of the prettiest girls in her age, was seen as the other sister. Her cousins and other relatives weren't necessarily mean about it. It was just kind of a known fact that Lily wasn't the favorite. The only one who never gave into that was her father.

As a psychology professor, he knew the side effects from showing favoritism between his children, and he often tried to sabotage his wife's attempts to do otherwise. By the time Lily was ten, though, it was already perfectly clear to her that at any moment she could be accused of something Petunia did, and that she was always going to be blamed for something she didn't do. When her mother died, everyone huddled around poor Petunia; no one but her father even noticed that she was there, too.

Lily was used to having fight to prove her worth, but one thing she was never going to get used to was how continuously wrong she was about James Potter.

Lily sat in the library, working on what was left of her homework in perfect silence. She had spent the whole day curled up in her favorite armchair and was beginning to get restless. Tendrils of wavy, red hair was falling out of the thick rubber band she was using to keep it out of her face. Rubbing her eyes, she cracked her neck and pushed her books forward out of her reach.

At that moment, she thought she should have just studied with Marlene and Dorcas. She didn't know why she always pushed herself away from them. They always invited her along wherever they went, but she just felt the need to distance herself. Maybe she just thought it was better to have barriers; or maybe she just couldn't take getting close to friends, only to lose them like she had with Severus and Petunia. Either way that left Lily all alone, with nothing but the emerald sweater her grandmother had made her to keep her company.

Pushing herself away from the desk, Lily looked outside at the grounds that were covered in fallen leaves. It looked so nice…like the cover of a postcard, but it was chilly out, and she knew she would just end up jumping in leaf piles instead of doing her homework if she went outside to enjoy it.

Off in the distance she saw four boys sitting by the edge of the lake. Immediately without a single hesitation, she knew who they were. From what she could make out, Lily saw James and Sirius wrestling as Peter and Remus cheered from the sidelines. Inching closer to the surface of the window to get a better look, an unintentional smile crept onto her face and she watched James get the better of Sirius. For the next few minutes they fought, and Lily found herself giggling at the tactics the pair of them used. Once or twice one of them would tag out Remus or Peter. James's tag in was Peter, and Sirius's was Remus. James fought Sirius and then after a few rounds Remus came in. But James never tagged Peter in, not even for a minute.

As Lily watched the Marauders rough housing on the Hogwarts grounds, someone watched her from afar. He watched her amused expression, shifted to see what had caught her attention, and then left, furious.

Lily never saw that. She just kept watching, even when Remus and Peter headed back towards the castle, and it was just Sirius and James. In the space separating them, Lily allowed herself to feel openly. She allowed herself to watch the pair of them, both dark haired with matching grins on their ridiculously good-looking faces, sitting by the oak tree hovering above the lake. Sometimes, when she looked out the window late at night, she'd see them walking around the Forbidden Forest in deep conversation and wonder what they were talking about. A few times she'd see either Remus or Peter with them, but usually it was just them. Lily envied their friendship; they were more like brothers than friends. It was so natural and effortless and…beyond words. Everyone knew they'd lay down their lives for one another, and it seemed crazy to her. They were only sixteen, how could they have so much… trust in one another?

"Lily?" Alice called curiously, stepping towards her while fixing the back of her short, dark hair.

Lily jumped and packed all of her things away.

"Hey, Alice. I was just leaving. I've been here far too long!"

"Are you alright?" Alice laughed as she watched Lily's erratic organizing.

"Of course!" Lily replied in a pitch much higher than her normal one. She tossed her bag, stretched to the limit with books, over her slender shoulder and briskly walked away. "I'll see you later!"

Alice laughed again, watching Lily storm away in disbelief.

An hour later, just before the sun went down, Marlene and Dorcas were sharing the sofa, facing opposite directions. Dorcas was reviewing material from the beginning of the month; her dark hair was back in a messy bun, and her glasses, which she only wore when she was reading, were slowly slipping down her nose. Her short legs were curled into the side of the couch, while Marlene's long, sweatpants-covered legs stretched out in the open space. Marlene's sunny hair was shifted off to the side as her perfectly shaped eyebrows furrowed in concentration on the last chapter she had to go over.

James and Sirius marched into the common room soaking wet, both of them shaking with rage. They seemed to be having a heated debate, but about what it wasn't quite clear.

Marlene and Dorcas looked up from their transfiguration textbooks in confusion. Dorcas spoke first, "What the hell happened to you two?"

"Snivellus," Sirius growled, his lip curling in pure loathing. "That sniveling git…I'm going to kill him!"

"Just ignore him!" James insisted, drying his glasses off as he clenched and unclenched his jaw. "I hate him too, but it's not…it's not worth getting expelled over, alright?"

Letting out a low whistle, Marlene leaned forward.

"Again? Merlin, he's really trying to pick a fight with you two."

"First there was that oil spurt he trapped them in," Dorcas interjected putting down her book and slipping of her thin-rimmed glasses. "When was that? That was back in September wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Marlene nodded closing her own book. "And then he cursed your ears into doubling their size…. And what did he do last month? He tried to jinx a desk into beating the crap out of you, didn't he?"

Dorcas grimaced.

"That was really bitchy, but not as bitchy as what he did two weeks ago… Potter smelled like manure for a week."

"It's the end of October now… Hasn't he given up on this tirade yet?"

"Obviously not," James spat hotly, ending their verbal conference. "I don't know what is up his greasy arse. I haven't done anything to him all year!"

"I'm going to kill him," Sirius repeated in a deathly serious tone, his chin locked in fury. "This was the last straw."

James sat down in small space next to Marlene, buried his face in his hands, and let out a strangled groan.

"That's what he wants, Padfoot, can't you see that? He wants to rile you up. Just ignore him. Don't give into it."

Sirius twitched with irrevocable fury as he plopped down on to the armchair across from them, his wet black hair plastered to his face.

"I can't ignore this, Prongs."

"We have a prank that will do just fine, remember?" James told Sirius, though he himself wanted to do nothing more than ring Severus Snape's neck until he crawled back into the hole he came out of.

Sirius didn't think it was enough…not nearly enough. They'd done a dozen pranks all year, but they were never this targeted or as vicious. The worst one was when they dyed all the Slytherin's teeth green and that was only bad because it didn't fade for a month…and spread to anyone they snogged.

"Here," Marlene took out her wand and dried Sirius and James off. She rubbed James's shoulders concernedly. "You cold, Jay?"

"I'm going to take a shower to scrub off the feeling of the giant squid rubbing its tentacles all over me…" James visibly shuddered. He gave Marlene's hand a squeeze and went up stairs.

Sirius leaned backward in his chair, his right foot tapping on the floor impatiently and his bright grey eyes were searing into the ceiling. Dorcas and Marlene shared a look. Marlene moved her book to the floor and went over to sit on the coffee table in front of Sirius. Lily came down from the girl's staircase and filled Marlene's empty space.

"Sirius?" Marlene sighed, looking at him carefully. "Talk to me. You're scary when you're quiet…"

Lily frowned and whispered to Dorcas.

"What's wrong?"

"Snape nearly drowned Potter and Black in the lake." Dorcas shrugged, "I guess Black is trying to suppress his inner serial killer."

"Dora," Marlene snapped giving her a dirty look, "not helping."

Dorcas rolled her eyes and put her hands up in innocence.

Lily's chest tightened, and a gust of guilt rose up from her stomach.

"Snape did that?"

"It's not that shocking Lily," Dorcas said, picking up her book. "The guy is a petty slimy little git, and he will do whatever it takes to get them kicked out."

"I'm surprised they didn't fight back."

"Oh we did," Sirius piped up coldly from the other side of Marlene. "We gave him a scar that he won't be able to take off."

"You sound like a Death Eater," Lily snapped unintentionally.

Sirius's entire face darkened and his eyes hardened. "How the hell would you know Evans? You think just because you're a Muggleborn you have any idea what they are capable of? If you did you wouldn't compare me, defending myself against that scum of the earth, to them."

Marlene frowned and stood up.

"Sirius, come on. Let's go."

"Where are we going?"

"For a walk. You need to cool the hell off," she informed him as she heaved him up to his feet, linked arms with him and left the portrait hole.

"Snape is going after them, because of me," Lily admitted in a flush of guilt as soon as the door shut. Her big, emerald eyes were shiny as they turned onto Dorcas. "He thinks it's their fault that we aren't friends anymore."

"Lily," Dorcas began, "You shouldn't be telling me this; you should be telling Potter. He's the one that's dealing with the bullshit that came along with it."

Lily glanced up at the boy's staircase anxiously.

"I…I can't, Dor."

"Lily, for a Gryffindor, you are a fucking chicken," Dorcas told her bluntly. "I haven't the foggiest why you are so petrified of Potter. He's a gawky, Quidditch-playing, sixteen year old boy. I'm pretty sure you could take him…I'd even say you could without a wand."

"It's not that," Lily sighed, running a hand through her hair nervously.

"Oh," Dorcas grinned importantly, seeing her involuntary gesture, "I know what that is."

Lily laughed at Dorcas's expression and asked, "What is it?"

"Lily Evans can't face James Potter, because for once he didn't do anything wrong."

"That's ridiculous!" Lily scoffed, crossing her arms, not able to look at Dorcas's incredulous face.

"You're ridiculous, Lily," Dorcas said, shaking with laughter. "I've never met someone who was so afraid to admit that they're wrong in my life… You're human, Lily. You're supposed to fuck up and make mistakes."

Lily's face grew red with anger.

"I know that!"

"Then why are you so deeply and utterly ashamed to admit you've miscalculated something and done something wrong?"

"Oh sod off!" Lily said, moving her hair into her face and avoiding looking at Dorcas's.

"Fine," she said arrogantly. "Prove me wrong then. Go up there and tell him what's going on."

Lily bit her lip.

"What the bloody hell am I supposed to say?"

"I don't know. Why not say, 'Hey so I know I hate you because you're obnoxious and in love with me, but my ex-best friend who is also in love with me-"

"SEVERUS IS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME!" Lily roared, "We were never anything like that!"

"Maybe you weren't, but he sure as shit was. ANYWAY," Dorcas readjusted her sitting position. "You should probably just tell Potter the truth, since he seems to be the only one keeping Black from murdering Snape."

Lily blinked, "What do you mean?"

"Just now," Dorcas pointed at the portrait hole, "Marlene is talking Sirius out of taking out all of his childhood aggression and bullying nature out on a more than worthy victim…And she's doing that so the next time Snape provokes him, he isn't already amped up to attack." Dorcas sighed, "And poor Potter—"

"Poor Potter?" Lily scoffed folding her arms.

Dorcas sent her a dirty look. "Do you know how hard it must be on him? He has to not only control himself from attacking Snape, but he also has to stop his best friend at the same time… He's better than you give him credit for."

Lily looked troubled, and she stared away.

"I'll be right back."

"Well I'm going to head to bed," Dorcas told her, "so I'll just see you tomorrow."

"Okay."

Lily sucked up all of her pride, and forced herself up the boy's staircase. When she got to the correct door, she rocked back and forth on her heels. She did not want to do this. She did not want to this at all. But she had to. This was her fault. Snape would fight with them anyway, but not like this. This was charged and specific, and all because she defended them to Severus.

She knocked on the door timidly.

"Potter…um…I need to talk to you," Lily said quietly, standing in the doorway.

"Uh…come in," an uncertain voice responded.

Lily opened the door and glanced around. No one else was there, just James. He was sitting on the edge of his bed taking off his shoes, his glasses on the tip of his nose. Though he had said he was going to take a shower, he still didn't even change out of his school clothes. He was too mad.

"I came to talk to you about what happened earlier," Lily told him as she hovered in the doorway.

"I'm not in the mood, Evans," James told her as he tossed off his tie and fell onto his bed. His tone wasn't harsh, but more annoyed. "Your buddy has been a royal prick to me, and I haven't retaliated, okay? I've done everything I can to walk away. Alright?"

"It's...It's my fault."

"…What are you talking about?" He asked pushing his glasses up higher on his nose and sitting up to face her.

She frowned, her big oval green eyes filled with regret.

"I had a row with him two months ago…and I said… Well, I set him off."

James froze and looked up at her. He didn't know what she was doing there at first, but he assumed that she was going yell at him. Lily had never sought him out to do anything else. Her intention was always to correct him, to fix him, to change him. But at that moment he didn't recognize her at all. She looked so lost and helpless; James wanted nothing more than to hold her, but he didn't. He just looked at her heartbroken emerald eyes and wondered what had gotten her so upset.

"What happened?" he asked, gesturing for her to come in.

She tiptoed over nervously, leaning against the bedpost.

"I ran into him and he tried to convince me to be his friend again…"

James scowled.

"Bloody idiot! He never should have said what he said."

"He apologized and said it was your fault that the whole thing happened in the first place," she said, the words flowing out of her mouth before she could stop them. "James," His heart accelerated at her use of her first name, but his face showed no sign of this. "I defended you and…he took it that it meant that the whole thing was your fault…I'm sorry. It isn't your fault…you shouldn't have bullied him, but he still had no right to say what he did, or go after you and Sirius the way he has been."

Taking a minute, James thought over what she said, and he had come to the conclusion that she was wrong. So he took a breath, and fearlessly, he said, "What Snape does isn't on you, Evans. He's his own person, and he makes his own decisions. You can't take the blame for what other people do."

"I know," she said softly looking down at her kitten slippers. "But… I set him off."

"You were honest with him," James shrugged. "If he can't handle that, then he can't be your friend. Your friends are supposed to be honest with you."

Lily's eyes lifted from the floor and onto his hazel eyes. The earnest look in his eyes made a tense knot form in her stomach. "…Yeah, I know."

"It sucks to let go of a friend… I don't understand why you were friends with him in the first place," James said bluntly with a shrug, "but sometimes you outgrow your friends."

"When did you get like this?" Lily asked in awe.

James blinked in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"You're, like…" she grimaced, her eyes scanning him for signs of deceit, "…smart."

"Well I'm one of the top in the class," he grinned arrogantly.

"But you're not the top, are you?" Lily countered, knowing perfectly well who was.

James laughed, the sound was so full of life and cheerful that Lily couldn't help but smile, too.

"You have me there, Evans."

Lily was about to say something else to him when she realized what she was doing. She was standing in James's Potter's bedroom, talking to him about her personal life. What the hell was wrong with her? Was she was about to tease him? Flirt with him, even? She had completely lost track of who the hell she was if she was derailed enough to talk to Potter. Taking a step back, Lily fixed her hair absentmindedly and cleared her throat.

"Well…um, thanks, er…Potter. I'll see you around."

He laughed again, "Since we have every class together, I'm sure we will, Evans."

"Uh, yeah."

"Now, don't think this means I'm not going to strike back if he hits me," James told her warningly as he started to unbutton his shirt. "I may try to walk away, but if he starts it, I'm sure going to finish it."

"What…what are you doing?" Lily whispered in alarm, her eyes fixed on the few inches of his chest that she could see.

James didn't understand. He frowned, "I'm going to go shower, Evans…"

"Oh…right." She put her hand on her face and walked backwards towards the door. "Sorry."

"You are more than welcome to stay," he smirked, his shirt fully unbuttoned, leaving a line of skin she'd never seen before in perfect view.

Lily flushed, "You're a jerk, Potter!"

"And you were looking, Evans!" James shot back cheekily as she slammed the door.