Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, Sam or Dean.
A/n : Here it is finally. Chapter 10. I'm truly sorry it took so long, but believe me when I say this chapter took a piece of my heart out. Dean in pain is something that gets me every time, whether its watching him, reading about him or in this case writing about him.
Chapter 10 : What is and what will never be.
Someone was knocking on the door. Sarah opened one eye groggily she was lying face down on the bed. The room seemed vaguely familiar. The knocking grew harder. Sarah closed her eyes again, she hadn't been this comfortable in years.
"Come on sweetie. Wake up. Its Christmas morning."
Sarah sat upright. "Mom?"
"James is already here honey. He's waiting for you."
Sarah bolted off the bed and threw open the door. Her mother stood in the doorway looking at her with a peculiar expression.
"Are you okay... Oh!" She said as Sarah flung herself into her arms.
"Oh Mom!" Sarah moaned as she hugged her mother for the first time in ten years.
Her mother laughed. "Come on dear, everyone is waiting for you."
"Me? Why?"
"To open the presents, of course."
"Presents?"
"Yes. It's Christmas morning. Are you sure you are feeling alright?"
"I've never been better."
"Is she up yet, Mrs. Brighton?" James asked from the foot of the stairs.
Sarah bent around her mother to look down the stairs. There he stood, handsome as ever, not a day over eighteen. He smiled at her.
"Good morning, sleepyhead. I thought we might have to open the presents without you."
Sarah bounded down the stairs and threw her hands around him. She held him tightly for a minute before she pulled away only to kiss him eagerly.
James chuckled, embarrassed. Maybe her Mom was watching, but she didn't care. She had missed him.
"Wow. If I'd known you are this horny in the morning, I would have come here every morning." He whispered in her ear.
Sarah laughed and hugged him again.
"Oh, come on you two. Let's go out. Everyone's waiting."
James put his hand on her shoulder and led her out to the living room. She put her hand around his waist and held him close.
They entered the living room and Sarah saw her father talking animatedly to Mr. And Mrs. Hill. He looked up when they came in.
"There you are." He said smiling.
Sarah ran to him. She couldn't control the tears that ran down her face. He held her and laughed.
"What's with you this morning?" He asked.
"I've missed you." She said looking at him.
"Okay."
"Yeah. She woke up weird this morning." James laughed.
"Oh, give her a break. Maybe she had a nightmare." Peyton said.
Sarah whipped around. Peyton was sitting cross legged near the tree, arranging the presents. She looked like herself but younger.
"Peyton? What are you doing here?"
"Uh.. It's Christmas. We always spend it together, but if you want me to leave...?"
"Did you die too?"
"What? Sarah I'm standing right here."
"Maybe she really did have a nightmare." James said with concern.
Sarah remembered flashes of something. This was probably the Christmas before it had gone all wrong. Something had happened, she couldn't remember what. Her memories had started to fade, like a dream after you wake up.
She walked over to Peyton and sat down.
"I feel really weird." She told her.
" Why?"
"I dont know. I can't remember. When I try too hard it feels like looking down a tunnel which is all blurry. Makes my head hurt."
"Forget about it. It's Christmas." She said clapping her hands.
"Yeah you are right." Sarah said.
She hugged Peyton.
"I love you. You know that right?"
"Aww. I love you too." She chuckled hugging her back.
"Sarah?" She heard a voice call out.
A male voice, full of agony. Her heart clenched. She knew the voice she thought, but she couldn't place it. She looked looked around.
"Did you hear that?"
"What?" Peyton asked.
" I thought, I heard someone call my name..."
"Snap out of it, Sarah. You're scaring me."
"I'm sorry."
Sarah shook her head. She knew she had heard it, clear as a bell. He had called to her. Something inside her had wanted to answer. Who's voice was it?
"Here open mine first." Peyton handed her a present.
James sat down next to her and kissed her forehead. She took the gift wrapped box from Peyton and opened it.
It was a snow globe, Sarah shook it. "Its beautiful. Thanks."
"Here's mine." James said softly.
She took it and opened it. It was a silver charm bracelet. She put it on.
"Wow. Thank you James." She breathed as she leaned over and kissed him. "This is the best day ever. Everyone I love is here. There's nothing I want more." Even as she said the words she felt hollow inside, like something was missing, like she was forgetting someone very important.
"I don't feel very well. There's this pit at the bottom of my stomach." Sarah said clenching her sides.
"It maybe the effects of the nightmare." Peyton said.
Sarah lay her head on James' shoulder. "Maybe... I just want to stay here forever."
She closed her eyes.
Dean rested his head on the wall behind him. This had been the longest day of his life. He had been sitting in the waiting room for five hours. He looked down at himself, his shirt was stained with Sarah's blood. His heart lurched.
He should have been with her, he thought. He should have been the one lying on the gurney, not her. It was his fault, he hadn't been thorough. She had trusted him and he had let her down, just like he had done everybody else in his life.
He lay his head in his hands. Despair gnawing him, tearing him apart. The whole scene replayed in his mind.
He heard Sam being attacked, he and Peyton ran up the stairs as fast as they could. He saw Sam slumped against the wall, Peyton was already kneeling in front of him supporting his head. He ran into the room ahead, hoping Sarah had shot the ghost. His heart stopped when he saw Sarah in the spirit's clutches. She was barely standing, white as a sheet, blood gushing out of her mouth, her eyes were bloodshot —staring blankly ahead of her. There was so much blood. Dean's mind reeled with shock.
Peyton came in behind him.
"Sarah!" She screamed.
They fired, but the spirit had already flung Sarah out the window, into the alley outside.
They ran back out, Sam was stirring. Peyton helped him up. They ran down the stairs, Dean prayed all the way. He just needed her to be alive. He wasn't able to think past that.
When he saw her lying motionless on the ground, the pain that cut through him was unspeakable. He knelt down close to her and lifted her up into his arms. He'd lost her, he thought. Agony sliced through his heart while tears poured down his face.
"No God, please no. No!" He prayed.
He couldn't loose her. He wouldn't survive it.
Peyton found a pulse. "Call 911." She yelled.
Dean just kept calling her name.
"Sarah, please stay with me baby. Just stay with me." He begged.
She started convulsing though she was barely breathing. He didn't think she could hear him but he called to her anyway. He held her against him, unable to stop the tears running down his cheeks. If something happened to her, he'd never be able to forgive himself.
"Dean." She whispered.
For a moment his heart flooded with relief, then her body slumped in his arms, still as stone. His heart felt like it had been ripped out of his chest.
"No! Sarah?" He screamed shaking her.
The paramedics arrived, they strapped her to a gurney and lifted her into the ambulance. Dean went in with them. He could see her pulse dropping. It scared him, she was alive and fighting but her injuries were too much.
After they reached the hospital they wheeled her into the E.R. As they moved her onto the bed, she flat lined. There was chaos. A nurse pushed him out of the room and closed the door.
Dean was waiting outside the room, looking in through the small glass window. Peyton and Sam stood behind him. He watched in horror as the doctors readied the defibrillator. When they shocked her for the first time, Dean jumped and staggered back, shaking. Sam grabbed him and pulled him away from the door.
Dean rubbed his face with his hands. His eyes felt itchy and dry. He looked up to see Peyton walking towards him, fatigue plainly visible on her face.
"What's going on?" He asked.
"Doc's are saying she's stable but not completely out of the woods yet." She replied as she sat down on a seat next to him.
Dean shoved a hand through his hair.
"Can I see her?" He asked, pleading.
"Sure. I don't think they'd mind."
"Thanks." Dean said as he got off his seat and walked towards the her room.
He walked in and closed the door behind him. She looked so small and vulnerable in the huge bed. There were all kinds of tubes and machines around her. He walked closer, he could see her covered in bruises. He picked up her medical chart. Broken ribs, collarbone, fingers. Ruptured spleen, internal bleeding.. He couldn't read anymore, his vision blurred as his eyes filled with tears. How can she survive this? he thought painfully.
He touched her face, her hair.
"Sarah?" He called hoarsely, agony plain his voice.
There was no answer.
He sat down on a chair next to the bed and laid his head on her hand.
"I was lost and dead inside.. I was so past saving, I can't even begin to tell you. You saved me, saved my soul. You can't leave me now. I've already lost too much, given too much. I have nothing left. I don't know what to do, Sarah. If I could trade places with you I'd do it in a heartbeat. This is all my fault. I should have stayed with you, protected you. I don't know how to make this right. I'm so sorry, Sarah."
His conscience was killing him. This was wrong, It was unfair. She didn't deserve to go like this. He had held it together for so long but now he was finally alone with her and could give in to his feelings, his guilt. He couldn't control the sobs that racked his body.
Sam came back to the waiting room carrying two cups of coffee.
He saw Peyton sitting in the chair with her eyes closed. She looked tired and drained. There was dried blood on her hands and clothes.
"Hey." He said.
She opened her eyes reluctantly. "Mmmm. I smell something good."
She grabbed the coffee from his hand. She took a quick sip and closed her eyes again.
"I am scared Sam." She said.
"I know."
"She's strong. But her injuries... they are too vast. We shouldn't have split up. We could have protected her. "
"Don't think like that Peyton. It's nobody's fault."
"Why didn't that bastard die? Dean burnt his bones." She said sitting up straighter and looked at him
"I dont know, maybe he's tethered to something else."
Dean came back out and sat down next to Peyton.
"How are you doing?" She asked him.
"I'm fine." Dean said rubbing a hand across his face.
"Hey we are worried too. You don't have to lie to us."
"Fine! I'm not handling it very well. In fact I'm not handling it at all. There, does that make you feel any better?" Dean snapped at her angrily.
"Dean. Calm down." Sam warned.
Peyton looked hurt and shocked.
"I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I was reckless and stupid. She's lying in there because of me."
His voice was muffled as he hid his face in his hands.
"That's not true. You cannot beat yourself up for this. We all thought burning the bones would do it." Sam told him calmly.
"No. That's just it. Don't you see it Sammy? I'm poison. People get close to me, they die." He took in a shuddering breath and sighed. He looked over at Peyton, pain evident in his dark green eyes. "I have to leave."
"She won't get better just cause you left, Dean." Peyton said as she laid a hand on his hands which were clasped tight in his lap.
"If I stay she'd die." He replied as a matter of fact.
"Don't think like that, Dean. She strong, she's fighting and you should be here if" — she shook her head — "when.. she wakes up, because she will. She'll wake up."
"Not if I stay here, she won't." Dean said brushing a hand through his hair.
"You've already made up your mind, haven't you? And nothing we say can change that." Sam said reluctantly.
Dean stood up. "You can stay if you want."
"That's never been an option for me. You go.. I go with you." Sam replied standing up too.
"We will go take care of that son of a bitch and then get out of town." Dean said.
Peyton made an angry sound.
"You can't be serious? Dean, Sarah needs you. Now more than ever. You can't just bail when things get tough. You went after her man, even when she tried to resist you. You tore down her defenses and now you're just going to run away when she needs you the most? I thought you were good for her Dean. I thought you would be the one who would finally get her to move on, to be happy again. Guess I was wrong about you. Go on then, run away." Peyton snapped.
She got off her seat and walked away.
Dean stared after her. She didn't know, she didn't understand what it's like, to be responsible for the death of the people you love. He loved Sarah more than anything. In the short time they had shared together he had lost his heart. If she were to die because of him, it would be unbearable. The guilt and the pain would kill him. He knew he should get as far as possible from her. It was the only way to keep her safe. He had to do it.
He looked at Sam.
"I have to do this, I have to set things right." He begged him to understand.
"It's okay Dean. I'll wait here. You can say goodbye." Sam said his voice thick with emotion.
Dean walked back to Sarah's room. Sam turned around and went to look for Peyton. She was standing, looking out of a window near the vending machine. Sam came up behind her.
"I'm sorry." He whispered.
"You have nothing to apologize for."
"I was the one with her. If it's anybody's fault it's mine."
"We are all such suckers for guilt trips." Peyton laughed harshly. "One mistake and we are all fighting to take the blame."
"I have to go with him, Peyton. I need you to understand. He's hurting, he has lost too much. We all have. If he needs to go, I have to go with him."
"I wouldn't expect anything less." She answered with a lump in her throat.
"You'll call me if there's any news?"
"Yes."
"You are special Peyton. I need you to know that. If you need me, I'll be here I promise."
"Thanks Sam. You are special too." She said as she turned around and kissed him.
Dean looked down at the broken, bandaged body of the girl he loved. They had spent so little time together. He hadn't even had the opportunity to tell her, how much she meant to him. He stroked her hair. He bent down to whisper in her ear,
"I love you Sarah. I always will. It's a piss poor excuse for what I'm about to do but I have to do it. I can't lose you and if I have to stay away from you to keep you safe that's what I will do."
He leaned over for one last kiss. As his lips touched hers he felt his heart crack. Tears leaked out of the corner of his eyes.
"Get better." He said hoarsely.
He walked out of the room, looked back at her— trying to memorize her face— with a heavy heart he closed the door, feeling like he had left the most important part of himself behind.
To be continued...