CHAPTER TEN – EASY TO FORGET
After about two hours, Phil woke Dan up by gently shaking him, aware that if he slept any longer he'd never be able to sleep that night. It took about five minutes of shaking to wake Dan up, and he blinked at the light as if it was personally offensive to him.
"Wanna sleep," he mumbled, pushing his face against Phil's chest. "Go away."
"You can go to sleep at night time, as is conventional," Phil said, smiling softly, shifting a little bit because Dan was giving him pins and needles in his arm. "C'mon, get up."
"No…" Dan mumbled, locking an arm around Phil. "You're warm."
"You should edit your video," Phil suggested, pushing the sleepy boy so Dan was sitting up, regretting it the moment he could no longer feel Dan's warm body against his.
"I can do it tomorrow," Dan whined, throwing his arm dramatically over his eyes and slumping back against the sofa.
"No you can't," Phil said lightly, tugging Dan's arm away. "We're going to the hospital tomorrow."
"Fucking hell, Phil, I don't want to go," Dan looked panicked, his brown eyes full of fear. "Phil, they'll…Phil, I don't want to!"
"Dan, calm down! They're just there to help," Phil said soothingly, rubbing his hand up and down Dan's arm. "It's okay. I promise."
"Will…will you come?" Dan sounded so insecure, and yet adorable, like a small child afraid to walk to the bathroom in the dark.
"Of course I will, silly," Phil said, rolling his eyes. "As if I'd make you go alone."
"And you'll stay with me, the whole time?"
"Unless you ask me to leave, yes," Phil smiled, patting Dan's hand. "Just relax. It's just a routine meeting."
"Why would I ask you to leave?" Dan stretched and sat up properly, running his hand through his hair.
"There's this thing called patient confidentiality…I don't know if you've ever heard of it," Phil said sarcastically.
"Shut up, Phil," Dan said, poking Phil in the ribs. Phil giggled – he'd always been far too ticklish for his own good – and squirmed back on the sofa.
"Ah…no…Dan," Phil was helpless on the sofa as Dan poked him again and again, and Phil was suddenly aware of how close Dan's face was to his own…and in that moment which seemed to stretch on forever, he noticed two things – the first and most important, that Dan's eyes were sparkling as he smiled a full smile that showed his dimples and the second that he really really wanted to kiss him. Phil didn't know what to do or think, so he said the first thing that came to him mind. "Uh…I…I need to cook."
Phil stood up quickly, straightening his t-shirt and running his hands through his hair. Trying to control his breathing, he went over to the fridge and pulled it open. Of course, he'd been aware of his attraction to Dan. Painfully so at times. But never before had he experienced that urge to kiss him that almost verged on desperation…and he knew that had he not been completely in control of himself at that moment, he could have actually kissed Dan and destroyed everything they had built together and were still building. Because that is what happens when you start to fancy your straight best friend. Every move you make, every word you say, needs to be carefully controlled to avoid ruining the entire friendship in one go.
Dan was busy editing the video that he'd filmed the day before. As he watched through the various clips, cutting and photoshopping where necessary, he could hear Phil being incredibly loud with the pots and pans and all that was running through his head was the image of Phil's face so close to his own, and the desperate wish that Phil would kiss him…but Phil hadn't.
Of course he hadn't. You are a fool, Daniel Howell, a desperate and pathetic fool. He knew he'd been reading more into things than he should, like always. He needed to remember that Phil was looking after him because that was who Phil was – he wasn't looking after Dan because he wanted to look after Dan specifically, but because he couldn't let another person suffer.
And sometimes Dan thought it would be easier if he'd never met Phil – because Phil was the epitome of the perfection that Dan knew he could never achieve. But Dan knew that wasn't true, because if he'd never met Phil he'd still be at university, shut in his room with no friends, envisaging nothing but a life of boredom and pain. At least Phil brought him hope.
Shaking his head, trying to clear himself of the negative thought pattern, he focussed his eyes back on the screen.
"Phil…"
"Dan, genuinely after what happened earlier I am not in the mood. Just get the fucking food down your throat," Phil snapped, slamming his knife and fork down on the table. He could tell from Dan's face that he had no intentions of eating the spaghetti in front of him, and the last thing Phil wanted was a repeat of the argument they'd had about lunch.
"I'm not…"
"Don't even try," Phil said, burying his face in his hands, "Fine. I'm not going to eat anything until you do, so if you want to starve yourself I hope that you're okay with starving me too."
Dan's eyes met Phil's and he glared at the blue eyed boy in front of him.
"Phil, don't be stupid," Dan growled. "You can't starve yourself."
"Oh, but you can?" Phil asked, pushing his plate away from him. "I won't eat until you do."
"But…"
"But what?" Phil asked, regretting his decision already. He was hungry. Damnit.
"I don't want to eat," Dan whispered, fiddling with his fork. "I'm really sorry Phil, but I don't want to."
"Dan, you're dangerously underweight," Phil replied.
"I'm fat," Dan said simply, as if he were stating a fact. And Phil knew that he thought he was, because for him that was entirely true. Phil stood up suddenly, and Dan looked up at him alarmed. Phil didn't say anything but he took Dan's arm and pulled him up from the chair, pulling him through to his bathroom. Phil flicked the switch on and forced Dan to sit on the toilet seat.
Taking a deep breath, Phil pulled his t-shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor, so he was only wearing his jeans. Dan averted his eyes, not wanting to look, not wanting to see. Phil. Phil as he'd imagined him so many times. Except this time, Phil wasn't smiling.
"Am I fat, Dan?" Phil said, seizing Dan's chin and forcing him to look at him. "Am I fat?"
"No," Dan answered, shaking his head. "Of course you aren't." Phil was beautiful. Just looking at him now, Dan was filled with envy and desperate want. His hair was ruffled from taking his shirt off, and whilst he wasn't muscular, he was still well modelled with sharp hip bones and a line of black hair trailing down…his arms were scar free too, and in Dan's eyes, whilst Phil was no model he was by no means unattractive. By no means.
"I think I am, actually," Phil said, turning to look at himself in the mirror. "I'm hideous, Dan. I literally…like ugh. Look at me! " Phil pinched a bit of skin from his stomach and pulled on it, making a disgusted face as he did so. "I'm so fat."
"No you aren't!" Dan protested, staring at Phil with a mixture of anger and upset. Why was he saying that about himself?
"Shut up Dan, I am," Phil said in his best stubborn voice, glaring at himself in the mirror. "I'm fat, Dan. I am."
"Stop it, Phil," Dan sounded upset now. He stood up and went over to Phil, standing in between him and the mirror. "You aren't fat. Stop it, please, this is horrible."
"Take your shirt off," Phil said suddenly.
"W…what?"
"Take your shirt off," Phil repeated, crossing his arms across his bare chest.
"N…no!" Dan protested. "Why?"
Phil didn't answer. He just took the bottom of Dan's t-shirt and pulled it up, yanking it roughly over Dan's head when he tried to struggle. Then he forced Dan to turn around and look in the mirror…oh my god. He's skin and bone. He's so beautiful but so broken; he's wasted away to nothing and he's covered in scars. But he's still beautiful in his brokenness, and I wish he could understand that.
"Look," Phil whispered in Dan's ear, conscious that his arm was pressed against the bare skin of Dan's back and aware that everything he was feeling was very wrong of him. "Look at yourself."
Dan looked and then he looked away. He saw what he always saw. A stupidly tall, scarred fat person. A pathetic, awkward freak. He couldn't look in the mirror for long; it just filled his head with horrible thoughts about himself and he had enough of those already.
"No," Phil said firmly. "Look." He took Dan's face between his hands and forced him to look into the mirror. Phil angled himself so his body was next to Dan's emaciated one…so that not even the most deluded person could deny that one body was bigger than the other.
"Phil…"
"I'm not fat, am I Dan?" Phil murmured. "You said I wasn't fat."
"You're not fat," Dan mumbled.
"You're smaller than me, Dan," Phil said. "If I'm not fat, then how can you be? God, Dan, look at yourself. You're…there's practically nothing left of you."
Dan looked. And for the first time, with Phil's solid and beautiful body next to him, he saw. He saw what he was, and he saw what he had become. He saw his ribs and he saw his hip bones sticking out like razors and he saw his collarbone pressing out from beneath the thinly stretched skin. He saw that his stomach, which he had always wished to be flat, was practically concave. He saw himself as Phil saw him, and he saw himself as the rest of the world saw him.
He saw that he wasn't beautiful, but this time he saw that it was because he was so thin.
"I'm hideous," Dan whispered. He saw Phil's face change, and knew that the anger on Phil's face was because Phil thought he was still calling himself fat. Dan shook his head violently, still staring even as tears began to cloud his vision. He didn't want to stop looking, because he was afraid that if he did when he looked again he'd see the image of himself that he had created in his own head, and had convinced himself was the real one. And he knew then, properly, for the first time that he really did need fixing.
"What have I done to myself?"
It was a question that didn't need to be asked, because they both already knew. The evidence was right in front of them, reflected in the mirror in the form of a skeleton boy.
"Dan you can't go to sleep if you're sitting up," Phil said into the darkness. Dan jumped, his hand flying to his heart.
"Why are you awake?"
"Why are you?" Phil said in a tone full of accusation.
"I was…just thinking," Dan said which was partly true. He had been thinking. But he had also been trying not to go to sleep.
"Lie down and go to sleep," Phil mumbled from his bed. "Or I will tape you down."
"Get out." Phil said firmly, holding out Dan's bag. "I packed your stuff for you. Now take it and leave."
"Phil…" Dan blinked, shaking his head frantically. "No, Phil! Why?"
"I can't do this anymore Dan!" Phil snapped, chucking the bag at him when he didn't take it. "You just keep on doing the most RETARDED things ever, and I have to pick up the bloody pieces all the time. I CAN'T and WON'T do it anymore so GET THE HELL out of my house. You are just messed up Dan, your head doesn't work right. YOU don't work right."
"I'm sorry!" Dan whispered.
"You should be sorry; you're just one big fuck up!" Phil growled. "Why are you still here?"
"I…I don't have anywhere to go," Dan said.
"I'm sure you'll find somewhere," Phil said. "You always manage to get what you want in the end."
"Clearly not," whispered Dan hoarsely. "Because all I want is you. All I want is to be here with you."
"Well that's just too bad, isn't it?"
"Phil give me one more chance, please?" Dan was fighting back tears now. How could this be happening? He'd thought Phil was forever…the way he helped him through everything. The way he'd always been there, and been so strong just when Dan needed him.
"How many chances do you think you can have Dan?" Phil hissed. "I have given you chance after chance, and you keep screwing up. Get out of my house you idiot."
"But I love you…." Dan said, his final, pathetic plea. The three words he'd never had the courage to say properly. Until then.
"Too bad because I don't love you." The words were hard and cold, and of course, they were true. Why would someone like Phil want someone like him? Someone so smart and kind and funny, with someone who cut and starved themselves? It just wasn't logical. It never had been. They'd always been walking a fragile line…and the tipping point had finally been reached and Dan had been sent crashing to the floor.
"Bye then," Dan whispered. "I love you Phil."
"Oh just hurry up and leave."
So Dan left. He made it to the bottom of the block of flats before he had to stop and the pain of what had happened made him fall to the floor, sobbing and screaming and hitting the floor with both hands.
"Dan?"
He ignored whoever the hell it was wanting to know why he was crying and continued pounding at the floor. Why did it have to happen like that? Why did he have to be such a fuck up?
"Dan…DAN?" Stupid annoying voice. Did it not know that the world had ended? "DAN!"
Growling in frustration, Dan opened his eyes…to see Phil's anxious face in front of him, lit by the bedside lamp. He swallowed and realised that he was crying…and then relief flooded through him, quickly followed by pain as he realised his dream was simply a prophecy of what the future held. The healing cuts and the whitish scars on his arm glistening in the light were a good enough testimony of what the future held for him and Phil.
"Dan?" Phil looked concerned.
"It's nothing," Dan said, pulling away from Phil's hand and lying back down. "Go back to sleep."
"Why were you crying?" Phil asked, ignoring Dan.
"I wasn't," Dan protested, trying to push Phil away. Phil grabbed Dan's feeble hand and sat down on the bed next to him.
"Dan I can see the tears on your face," Phil said flatly. "What were you dreaming about?"
It was so early in the morning and Phil's face was so close by, and his hand was so warm in Dan's that Dan didn't have the time or energy to come up with a lie.
"You," Dan mumbled. "Making me leave."
Phil raised an eyebrow at him.
"This is as much your flat as it is mine, silly," Phil said, gently pushing Dan's tangled and sweaty hair off his forehead. "And I wouldn't ask you to leave anyway. However annoying you are, you are my best friend."
"Promise?"
"I promise, Dan," Phil said. "Stop being silly!"
"Sorry," Dan whispered.
"Is this why you haven't been sleeping?" Phil asked suddenly, narrowing his eyes at the sleepy looking boy. In response, Dan picked his pillow up and put it over his face. "Dan…"
"Maybe," Dan mumbled from beneath the pillow.
"Why didn't you just tell me?" Phil sighed.
"Embarrassing," was the almost incoherent reply from the pillow.
"You didn't have a nightmare earlier," Phil noted, gently removing the pillow from Dan's face. Dan flushed red. "What?"
"I…uh…well. That's because you were there," Dan muttered, his face turning even redder.
"But I'm here now," Phil said. "Just a metre or so away."
"Yeah I know," Dan shrugged. "But when I'm asleep I guess I don't know that."
"Oh," Phil said, feeling sleepier with the passing seconds. "Move over then."
"What?"
"Move over," Phil repeated, prodding Dan in the side. Dan rolled over; making space in Phil's bed for Phil. Phil lay down next to Dan, and pulled the duvet over them.
"Um…" Dan said awkwardly.
"Look it's two in the morning and we have to go to the hospital tomorrow and I don't want them to think I'm not looking after you because you're the walking dead," Phil said, pulling Dan's body against him and wrapping his arms around his thin body. "So, just go to sleep because I'm here so you won't have a nightmare. It's totally okay for friends to share a bed."
"If you insist," Dan said, smiling to himself.
"I do," Phil yawned, snuggling closer and shutting his eyes.
Somehow, with Phil's arms around him in the warm bed, it was easy to forget the events of the day. It was easy to forget the argument and Phil leaving, and it was easy to forget the skeleton he had seen in the bathroom mirror. It was easy to forget that he had to go to the hospital the next day. It was easy to forget that he was broken. It was easy to forget everything except that Phil was right there next to him.
Let me know what you think, either on here, in PM or on Tumblr (Lunaticphan). Although if you do just want to hate me...you could just do it in your head and not to me, which would be the friendlier option ;) xxx