First Day All Over Again
The first morning of school. I felt so stressed that I could barely stay in bed in order to pretend to be asleep. Edward had of course proposed to go out hunting, he said it relieved him of a lot of stress, and though the idea of running all night was very attractive, I really didn't feel like another hunting failure. There was no reason for me to suddenly turn into a real vampire, get my instincts right and actually floor an animal to feed off it. I just knew that wasn't going to happen.
Edward still hoped of course, what else could he do? He hoped and he searched and he hovered around me and felt guilty and gloomy and broody. And in my state of stress and agitation I really didn't need his stress on top of it. So I told him to go hunt, I'd stay in bed and read.
The book was now lying open on my pillow and I was sitting with my legs crossed on top of the covers, not able to get my mind to focus on something so distant as turn-of-the-century England.
It was a strange thing, the fact that I could smell my own scent from when I was still human. I hadn't changed my sheets and the scent was permeating my nostrils, even sticking to my skin. Not to mention that my pyjama's, despite being laundered, were smelling strongly too.
I sat there for a good hour or two, just smelling myself. It was only when the light changed imperceptibly to human eyes, announcing the start of the process of dawn, that I realised why I was so obsessed with my old smell suddenly. I was trying to tell the difference, as if finding out just exactly how my scent before and after differed was going to give me the answers about what I had become.
It wasn't such a stupid idea once I thought about it rationally. Jacob had said my smell was different, unlike a vampire's. But the Cullens had lived with the new me for so many weeks and never seemed to notice anything. Was it because they were used to my human scent? At any rate, there might be something to find out.
I was disappointed when the first of the orange/pink glow started to slip through my window and I found that sniffing myself hadn't given me any idea as to how I differed from my old self, and how I differed from the Cullens. I was somewhere in between, but what was the percentage, and what exactly was different?
I 'got up' way too early, but I really couldn't just sit there anymore. I had breakfast to worry about and if I told Charlie I'd already eaten before he came down I might just get away with it, if I had a good pan of scrambled egg and bacon ready to distract him.
Every step and every move in the house I had previously lived in was a strange mix of familiar and alien. The routine I had picked up during the short months since I had moved in, the routine that I was now repeating was irrevocably changed by the totally different perception given to me by my heightened senses.
It was my first time cooking. Esme, Alice and Edward had cooked for me several times back at the Cullen house in an attempt to find something that my nose and stomach would agree with. Nothing had worked. Meat, dairy, fruit, veggies, raw, cooked, baked, steamed…Nothing had smelled the least bit appetising.
And here I was in my own kitchen. Technically it was Charlie's, but I was the only one using it, so it was mine in practice.
By the time Charlie came stumbling down his plate was hot and ready (I'd timed my cooking to the sounds of him waking up, like his gradually decreasing snores). I'd also remembered to dirty a bowl with some milk and a few bits of cereal, to make it look like I'd had breakfast and I was pretending to sip from the dregs of a glass of orange juice.
"Hey Bells, you're up early." Charlie grunted, seeming confused, or just sleepy I wasn't sure.
"A bit nervous about going back to school." I answered automatically. If anything that was an understatement. I was closer to freaking out. It was very useful to have so much control over my facial muscles. I was pretty sure Charlie hadn't noticed a thing.
"Is your…picking you up?" He suddenly asked as he glanced out the window. Apparently it had been too hard for him to say his name, or to pronounce the word that described what Edward was in relation to me for even my vampire ears hadn't been able to pick up what should've bene in the middle of that sentence.
I didn't need to follow Charlie's gaze to know the silver Volvo was parked in front of the house. I'd heard him arrive while I was cooking, but couldn't leave before doing the whole 'being normal' charade for my father.
Of course Edward would drive me to school. First, we were, you know, engaged. I hated the word as much as Charlie did, though I found I did like the bond it suggested between us. Second, how ridiculous would it be for a vampire who, even in a weakened state, could run as fast as a sports car, to drive something as loud and slow as my old truck?
I wouldn't mind. It would feel more normal at least. But there was no way Edward would tolerate it, and no way Emmett wouldn't bend double, punching holes in the concrete, laughing.
Third, I was too nervous to go alone. If I'd been preoccupied before with being as normal and inconspicuous as possible when human, I was even more worried now about doing something horribly unnatural, like stumbling into a door and accidentally bringing down the wall, or shaking someone's hand and sending them to the hospital for fractures.
Actually, that last one probably wouldn't happen, since I'd avoid touching anyone. But it was much more reassuring having someone next to me who could tell me if I walked too fast, or moved unnaturally, or how to refuse food without raising suspicion.
And most importantly, I needed Edward. I wanted him. I always wanted him near me, until the moment he actually was near. And then suddenly I felt irritated and oppressed. Stupid vampire emotions.
"Is that really necessary?" Charlie insisted when I didn't respond, lost in my own thoughts.
"We're together now, dad." I sighed. I hoped that was enough for him. I didn't want to confront him too much. I preferred the quiet harmony we'd always had since I was a child.
Charlie made a non-committal sound as I told him goodbye before grabbing my bag and stepping out the door. It was still early, the air was misty grey and was probably chilly, though it felt more like body temperature to me.
"Did you get some sleep?" Edward asked me once I'd waved to Charlie and we were off. His fingers lightly stroked my jaw-line and neck.
"No." I sighed again. I wasn't sure if that answer was good or bad. I was confused about whether it was good for me to sleep or not. I did feel tired, which made me think it was probably not ideal. Edward seemed to feel the same way.
"I can bring you to the infirmary when we get to school. Just like old times." He chuckled lightly. I detected some excitement. I wasn't sure why he would be though.
"Yeah, let's give everyone another reason to focus all their attention on me." I rolled my eyes, but didn't hide the smile that broke through. Despite the nervousness I did remember that this was what I'd wanted. I was going back to school, back to normal, or as normal as it could get. And I was incredibly lucky, seeing that I was a newborn, that I even could mingle among humans so quickly.
Yeah, this was a good thing. I suddenly felt excited too, which made Edward's smile even broader.
Edward dropped me off for my Trigonometry class once it was time, giving me a tiny squeeze in my hand and a kiss right on my lips before departing to his own class. I'd grown used to the peck on the forehead, so this surprised me. My attention was soon brought back to the situation at hand though, for Jessica was standing just behind me.
"Ohmygod Bella! You're back!" She beamed at me in surprise. "We thought we'd never see you again."
I didn't stop to wonder at the slight edge to those words and just concentrated on avoiding any attempt or initiative she could make at approaching me for say, a greeting kiss or handshake or hug. Just for a moment she seemed to want to take a step towards me, but when her eyes locked on mine her step faltered and she retracted her foot. Her eyes averted as soon as the others entered the classroom, a sign that the lesson was about to begin.
By lunch time I was absolutely convinced I'd done everything wrong. No matter how much I'd reminded myself to move around a bit in my seat and soften my facial expression, people had seemed to been avoiding me. I'd even gone as far as to give a few wrong answers as I remembered being annoyed that Edward was always right no matter how much attention he seemed to have been paying. But still, I could sense that others leaned away from me, that they avoided crossing my gaze and didn't want to talk to me.
Jessica also leaned away most of the time, putting as much distance as was possible between us when we were sitting at the same desk in Spanish. Whether that was intentional or not, I had no idea. She did talk to me though, I had to give her credit for that.
I was pondering all my possible mistakes while I followed Jessica to the cafeteria, making sure not to walk faster than her, and then the thought hit me, the idea that things might always have been that way and that I was just noticing now. Id' always felt a little left out, not belonging to the majority around me, so maybe nothing had really changed, other than my perception.
That thought depressed me enough to ruin all my efforts at looking friendly and non-threatening as I stood in line with Jessica. She was talking to me about everything I'd missed while I was away. A part of my mind was registering everything, how Angela and Ben had gotten closer, how Eric had been whining I was away, and above all how Mike had been making moves on her. Her words were a bit more tentative and hesitant than on the first day we had done this routine, when I'd first met her. I tried to smile to her in encouragement.
She just had the time to remind me the end of the year was coming when we were interrupted by the rest of the group, including Angela, Mike and Lauren. I let my shoulders droop; trying to replicate the stance I imagined I'd had before. I was sure I'd never walked fully straight before, as all vampires tended to do.
"Bella!" Mike and Angela said in surprise.
"Yeah, she just came back this morning!" Jessica took over, happy to have been the first to know but also disappointed she hadn't been able to spread the word herself. "Isn't it great!"
A glance was exchanged between Jessica Lauren. Again, I didn't let myself think about it and focused on looking natural and friendly.
I saw it coming but couldn't find an excuse quickly enough to avoid Mike's hand coming to grasp my elbow. I pursed my lips to repress any indication of the searing pain shooting through my arm, up to my chest. My heart seemed to wince for an instant.
It took just a second for Mike's hand to swiftly but determinedly be swept aside by the one that felt smooth and equally warm as my arm. Mike recoiled at the sight of Edward appearing next to me in the line.
"Mike, Angela, Jessica, Lauren." Edward greeted everyone in turn with the utmost politeness. Too polite for comfort among teenagers. But he didn't linger on them and turned to me. "Did you manage to catch up with everything?"
His hand casually moved to the small of my back and his body moved just enough to make it impractical for anyone to touch me, for which I was grateful.
"Yeah, thanks to Mike and Jessica's notes I got everything I needed." I smiled in gratitude, but neither Jessica's nor Mike's return smiles seemed comfortable. Two vampires was maybe a bit too overwhelming for them? I was pretty sure it was just Edward who was intimidating them.
The party dissolved quickly, each going their own way. Only Angela lingered for a moment to tell me how happy she was I was back. Edward gave her the nicest smile I'd ever seen him give a human, and I perceived something like a tiny bow of the head, as if it had been a reflex.
After a quiet lunch at the Cullen table (I still couldn't quite believe I was now sitting with those whom I'd been staring at not too long ago) it was time for me to tackle the worst part of the day. Biology wasn't so bad of course, it was actually a lot of fun. It brought up many memories of our first conversations, and Edward seemed to be taking enormous pleasure in putting his hand on my knee under the lab table, out of sight of the teacher. I didn't quite understand, but the huge smile on his face would've made me come out of the worst of moods.
The bad part of the afternoon was of course P.E. Despite the thorough update my body had undergone, it still seemed to recoil from the idea.
"You'll find this extremely easy, I promise." Edward said with a chuckle before kissing my forehead. He'd walked me to my class, as he'd done before, and seemed to be enjoying my worried expression. "Just remember not to be too good."
"I'll try." I answered skeptically. Rationally, I knew I had to have become unbeatably good at any human sport possible, but I couldn't quite believe that I could ever manage a racket or bat without getting at least a bruise.
Edward's eyes sparkled as he started to let me go, but at the last moment he pulled me back into his arms and planted a deep, lingering kiss on my lips before turning and walking away.
Was I imagining it or was he exceptionally physical today? Not that I didn't like it. It seems to alight something in me, something that was slumbering in the pit of my stomach. I felt warmer, but not quite physically. And I felt…desire. But a mix of it very different from the desire I had for him when I was still human, when I still saw him as some unearthly being, someone unreachable and unreal. What I felt now felt a lot like…hunger…craving.
I was surprised how much self-control was needed for me to keep myself from running after him. What was wrong with me?
As I turned I saw Mike just dive into the boy's changing room. I hadn't heard or seen him. Had he arrived before me? Or had I missed his arrival? And why did it look like he'd intentionally ignored me?
Hey, remember who I am? Yeah, probably not. Well, nonetheless, here is another part in a looooooong time. Enjoy :)
Aoiika