Into You, I Go

Chapter Ten: Of Love, Friendship and Sacrifices

Disc: Not Mine. Not mine. NOT MINE.

A/N: Hey, my first Gakuen Alice Fanfiction. Reviews please. Gentle with the flames.

I love you more than I should

So much more than is good for me

More than is good

Oh, the timing is cruel

Oh, I need and don't want to need

More than I should

I am falling, say my name

And I'll lie in the sound

What is love, but whatever my heart needs around

And it needs you too much now

Lie in the Sound by Trespassers William

Natsume slept with his back to her, ignoring her soft eyes and the fragrance of her skin as she slipped in beside him. He shifted his injured arm, already bandaged and taken care of. A process that he endured without looking or saying a word to her, paying no attention to her searching eyes, the gentleness of her touch or the patient way she looked at him. He paid no attention to how she looked in his pajamas; small and vulnerable. It killed him to have her so near but untouchable, he clenched his eyes tight and wished for sleep, no matter how restless, no matter how filled with nightmares it'll be. Anything is better than this.

He twitched in his sleep, somehow sensing something was wrong. He felt movement that was not his, heard voices that was not his.

Someone is crying.

His eyes snapped open. Mikan.

He turned and saw her body jerk, soft keening sounds were coming out of her mouth. Her face was twisted into a picture of pain and grief. A breath came out as a sob and tears fell from her eyes. Helpless against his heart, Natsume reached out and touched her, shook her when she fought him.

"Nonononononnononono."

"Mikan, wake up. It's a dream." Natsume swallowed back his own fear when she cried in her sleep, sobbing like her whole world was crashing down, like she was losing everything that mattered. He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly, rocking her, wiping away her hot tears. "It's only a dream. Come back to me." He caressed her hair, her face, rubbed his lips against hers, willing her to feel him, to sense him, to seek him out in whatever darkness she was in. "Please." His heart was aching in his chest at the sound of her cries. "Come back to me."

Finally, after what Natsume felt like a lifetime, her eyes opened, wet with tears, glazed with pain, it searched through the darkness frantically and found him. With a sound between an anguished cry and a sob of relief, she sat up and crawled onto his lap, her arms clawing at her back, fisting on his T-shirt, desperately trying to wrap herself around him.

Confused, but glad that she was awake, he rubbed his hands on her back, buried his face in her hair and kissed her neck. She sobbed onto his chest, her whole body shaking as she curled in his lap like a child. "It's okay. It's only a dream. It's okay. I've got you."

"I've been having dreams…about you." She blurted out as if the words came out unwillingly, without her permission. He tightened his hands around her, finally knowing why she's been so secretive. "There were screams…and people were just…but I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe." She sobbed, big fat tears fell down her face and she lifted those eyes to him. The pain he saw sliced him in two. "I didn't mean to hurt you by keeping it a secret but I just couldn't…. "

"There's something wrong with you." When he opened his mouth to deny it she slapped a hand on his shoulder. "Don't lie to me."

Fresh tears dropped from her eyes. "There's something wrong with your Alice. I can feel it like a hum inside my head. It's different." She looked straight into his eyes, daring him to lie to her. It almost made sense that she was the first one to guess. He knew Ruka felt that something was wrong, but he probably couldn't put his finger on it.

But she did. She always did.

She stared at his face, as if memorizing every line and every curve, every strand of hair. Her next question seemed to be pulled out from deep inside her. "You're dying, aren't you?"

Natsume look back at her, at those big amber eyes, the cute button nose, the firm and sweet, sweet mouth, feeling his lips curved in a smile, with her in his arm, all of a sudden dying didn't seemed so bad.

"I've been dying everyday of my life. You know this."

She buried her face against his chest and shook her head. "I can't handle it. I can't. It's too much.. I don't know how…" She broke off and held him tighter. "If I lose you..."

He touched her lips to her cheek, not thinking of himself at all. He only wanted to comfort and take care of her. To sooth and love her. "I understand. It's okay."

She shifted on his lap, their legs tangling as she raised herself to circle her arms around his neck, desperate for human contact, for his warmth and pressed against him. "Don't be angry at me."

He pulled her closer, righting her position on his lap so she can press closer, to give what she needs, ignoring the jerk of his stomachs muscles, the sharp teeth of lust gnawing on his insides when she ran her small palms on his back, pressed her softness against his chest, her lips on his shoulder. "I'm not."

Keeping his hands around her, holding him to her, he hissed out a breath when she brought her hands on his face and pressed her lips to his cheek. It was an innocent enough gesture, one that she did regularly. But it won't be innocent tonight, not when she was on his lap, in the middle of the night and on his bed.

"Stop." He snagged her arms and pulled at it gently. The look of confusion on her face almost made him laugh.

"You're still mad at me."

He closed his eyes and chuckled, shook his head and laced their fingers together. "No, it's just if you keep doing that…" His voiced trailed off when his eyes returned to her. Her hair was messy and still a bit damp from 'their' shower, her amber eyes were misty, light tinted eyelashes clumped together like lace, her expression soft and a little lost. He felt his heart bumped once, twice against his ribs and when he inhaled a trembling breath, her scent fuddled his brain, reflexively, he licked his dry lips. When he finally managed to speak, his voice sounded like it came from somewhere far, far away, "...if you keep doing that..I might have to kiss you."

He watched her reaction, watched her eyes darkened before her eyelashes fluttered, her cheeks tinged with pink, her lips opening slightly when he felt her fingers jerked against his. And he also felt her heart jumped and pound against his chest.

"Do you want to?"

Keeping his eyes on hers, his lips curved slightly in a self mocking smile. "Do I ever not?"

Tentatively he leaned forward, gauging her reaction. When she didn't move away, Natsume tightened their fingers and rubbed his lips against hers, opening his lips to catch her sigh. If it occurred to him that he might be taking advantage of her vulnerable state, he shoved it away. If it occurred to him that she might be willing tonight but not tomorrow, he pushed that thought away, too. After all, tomorrow is another day. Cross that bridge when we come to it..yada, yada, yada..

He persuaded her hands to encircle his waist, his own hands lifting to cup her face, thumbs brushing her cheeks, slightly moving her head to the side for better access. Softly he pressed his lips to hers, prolonging the touch by a breath, a sigh, a gaze. He cradled her jaw and felt her leaned into him when he ran his fingers along the clean line of her neck. He pressed little kisses to her eyelids, her nose, the corner of her mouth, her temples, slowly rubbing their cheeks against each other then nipped her chin before covering her mouth with his, enveloping her completely in his arms as he melted into the kiss, taking her deeper, deeper along that delicious slide of desire.

He murmured appreciatively when she opened her mouth and he deepened the kiss, a hand making its way to massage her nape, the other sliding down her thigh and to her legs, straightening them as he lowered her onto his bed. Careful and hesitant, his trained senses ready to detect her slightest resistance. When it did not, he laid her gently on the bed, covering her body with his own, sliding a leg between hers, elbows taking on his weight as he continued their soft open mouth kisses.

He didn't take anything for granted, he savored every feeling, every touch, every breath, every sound that came from her. He worshipped every strand of hair, every line and curve, the texture of her lips, the taste of her mouth, impatient with the few seconds that he was forced to break off their kiss in order to breathe. A few seconds were too long for him to be parted from her.

He clenched his fingers into the bed sheets when she let out a soft moan that did wicked things to his insides. When he felt her practically dissolve onto the bed, he broke off the kiss to catch his breath and regain his control. He pressed his lips to her jaw line, breathing deep before lifting his head to look at her. Just look at her.

When she blinked at him, weakened and thoroughly seduced; eyes dark, face flush, her mouth red and swollen, soft caramel hair spread beneath her, her body languid beneath his, he wasn't a man if he wasn't the slightest bit tempted to continue. But swallowing his lust, he gathered her into his arms, rolled and let her lie on top of him before he reached for the duvet and covered them both. He sucked in a trembling breath when she squirmed on top of him, trying to find a comfortable position.

He closed his eyes and smiled when she ran a hand up his chest and his neck to grip his hair. "G'night, Natsue."

He rubbed her back and pressed a kiss on her forehead then just touched his cheek to the top of her head before closing his eyes. "G'night, youjo."

----------------

He felt something pulsing inside of him, something that was coming alive. Blooming like a flower, slow but sure. It shivered, trembled but gradually grew stronger and stronger.

Beautiful and untamed, wild and free.

He knows and recognizes it, and fears it as much as he wants to embrace it.

Natsume snapped his eyes open and clutched his chest, struggling to breathe, he turned towards Mikan who was still asleep and managed to inched away from her but a fresh bout of pain tore a sound of pain from his throat and he shot off the bed and fell to the floor, under his hand, the white fluffy carpet started to char. He eyed in it horror.

No, not now. Not now. Please, not now.

Gagging for air and clenching his fingers into the carpet to ease the pain, he watched the singed mark growing wider under his hands. His vision was starting to grey and spotted because of lack of oxygen and he fought to concentrate. Fought to find his balance.

Come on, you know you can do it, you bastard. She's here for God's sake. She'll know. Struggling to calm down and to suck air into his lungs, he finally found an opening in his consciousness. He felt his Alice fighting his attempts to control it, to smother it, heard its protest, its demands and can't help to sympathized.

All his life, he knows, just as he knew that the sky was blue, his Alice was different from everybody else's, that unlike others, his Alice was actually alive. It has a mind of its own, a will of its own. And Kuro Neko, his alter ego, is only its instrument, its conduit.

When he put on that ask, he is no longer Natsume Hyuuga, he is no longer human. He is something else.

He was his Alice. He was fire.

Fire has no feelings, no emotion, no vices, no weaknesses, no wants and desires. It only has one purpose which is to burn. To consume whatever that stands in its way. Which in effect made him the perfect killing machine, unfortunately it also made him the most reckless one because more often than not, he forgot that he was flesh and blood and that he can be hurt, he can bleed and he can die.

When he put on that mask all his cares and worries disappear under the surge of power that overwhelms. It was like possession.

Lately, Natsume felt a little weary of the thought of being someone else because he felt it, felt that underneath all of that power, there was also a mean sort of happiness. His Alice's gleefulness of being free, it sang in his blood, in his mind, the sense of freedom that can only be exchanged with losing certain parts of himself; like his heart, his logic, his sense of right and wrong, his conscience.

Those little parts that made him human.

But he wasn't worried about that, what worried him was the fact that he liked it. That he wanted that kind of freedom. The fact that apart of him wanted to be like that terrified him.

Natsume heaved out a breath and forced himself to a sitting position. He had to do something but not here. He should go somewhere far from here where no one can see him. He'll take care of it. I can do this. I can beat this.

His muscles were aching with his effort, straining as he lifted himself onto his feet. He clenched his teeth when he felt something was tearing through his insides and pressed a hand to his mouth to muffle a cough. Shocked ran through him when he felt a dampness on his palm, he lifted his hand to moonlight and saw blood. No. No. Why now? It's impossible. Not now.

Thoughts running in full speed, Natsume felt his feet weakened and he stumbled and leaned against a wall near the window, his vision wavering. What's happening to me? Is this really it?

As though in answer to his thoughts, he felt his power Alice moved inside him, pulsing like a heartbeat, sensing a weakness in his control and like the worthy opponent that it was, it shifted sneakily to find it. He felt it, the rocket-like rise of his body temperature, the dissolving of that logical part of his brain and the surfacing of his instincts.

He can only watch in horror as his hands started to shiver and fire started to envelop it. He was losing control and his mind was too befuddled to think of a way out. He threw his gaze across the room to…to do something and his eyes fell on the sleeping figure. Mkan. She'll be in danger. I can't let her see me like this, he straightened ignoring the little voice inside him said…'I can't let her see me die'.

He was ready to jump out the window when something stopped him, a voice calling out his name; her voice.

Struggling between wanting saying good bye, his desire to see her face one last time and the need to assure her safety, he finally turned his head towards her.

Her expression told him that she knew, she understood what was happening and although she couldn't think of any words to say, she opened her mouth anyway.

"I'll get help. I'll get Hotaru, she'll know what to do."

She was already halfway to the door, half blind and choking with the knowledge she saw on his face when he finally found his voice.

"No."

She continued, her voice trembling with tears. "Ruka should know and the others."

"No."

"I'll stay with you."

This time, his refusal came much slower and softer. "No."

She took a step towards him but stopped when he backed away from her, seeing that, she finally broke. "Natsume-kun. Please."

The sight of her tears paining him more than what his Alice was doing to him, he shook his head…and fell to his knees, coughing hard, his body shaking by the force of it.

"Natsume -kun."

The fire on his hands was reaching his shoulders and he held out a fiery hand. "Stay back! Don't come near me."

Mikan was also kneeling on the floor, her heart pounding hard with fear when she saw the blood on his palm, at the corner of his lips. "Please, let me help. I can help."

"No, you can't. We tried that, remember? You can't completely stop my Alice, it's too powerful."

"But that was two years ago, I'm stronger now."

He managed his usual cocky smile that always irritates her. "So am I."

Their eyes met and he smiled a sad and gentle smile that rarely appeared on his face while his memories of her spun and played in his mind.

She saw it, saw the resignation in his eyes and shook her head in denial. "No. No. Don't you dare."

He stood up and she ran towards him but he was still too fast for her. Her hand reached out, ready to grab any part of him but he slipped out of her fingers, she caught a flash of his smile, a flare of his fire before he disappeared from her sight. She searched for hi, eyes gazing out of the window but there was only darkness.

"NATSUmE!!!!"