Day 13.
"A funeral is no place for secrets."
It was the day of your funeral. I remember when your grandfather died, and you told me you hated funerals. You said they reminded you of your own mortality, which you never liked. You liked to live life to the fullest, and that didn't include thinking about death. And as I stared into the deep, black hole you would soon be disappearing into, your words came back to me. "Death is nowhere in the future, Beca. I want to think about death as much as I want to live the rest of my life in a box". Yet there you were.
It wasn't an open casket. Your family and I all knew how much you hated people seeing you when you weren't decent. To be honest, I was glad I couldn't see your face. I don't want to remember the pale, expressionless version of your face. I want to remember when you would smile at me, or wink with one of those beautiful eyes. I want to remember how adorable you looked when you would have fallen asleep on the couch, and greet me with fluttering eyes and pouting lips when I'd wake you the next morning.
I know you always saw me as strong, Chloe. But I wasn't that day. I cried again. When they lowered the coffin into the hole, I almost ran forward to stop them. The others held me back. I remember sobbing into Fat Amy's shoulder. I also remember the look Aubrey sent my way. I still have trouble deciding whether it was one of disapproval or one of sympathy. It might have been a bit of both. I'm so sorry I couldn't be strong at your funeral, Chloe. I know you wouldn't be disappointed in me, you never were, but I am. I wanted to be strong, I wanted you to think I was doing my best to move on.
It was such a long service. Afterwards everyone held each other tight, taking turns in comforting each other. I think I hugged a couple of strangers that day. You know how I am about my personal space, but I couldn't care less at that time. I just needed something to ground me. I hugged your brother, and your little sister. She looks so much like you, Chloe. She's beautiful.
I hugged your mom for the longest. And when I did, she told me something, and I really hope she wasn't lying.
"She loved you, you know."
I really hope it's true. She walked away from me before I could respond. I had to be forced to the car by Stacie, and I resisted. I didn't want to leave you. I visit you every day, Chloe. It's just not the same.
I feel so empty now, Chloe.