The Road to Recovery

By: Jamie Sommers

Chapter Ten: Expectations

The suspense is building. Will Katniss choose Peeta or will Gale win her back? Hmmmm... Happy Reading!

Author's note: All mistakes are mine so if you find them, please don't claim them as your own.

The Road to Recovery

As we entered the woods, I began to study Gale. He was handsome, I'd give him that, but his eyelashes were black and spiky. Not long, blond and curly. His hair was dark as midnight and straight as a pin. A far cry from light, golden waves that felt soft to the touch and curled around my fingers. Without knowing it, I was comparing Gale to Peeta. The differences were staggering. In every way. Their personalities alone were a total contradiction to one another. One of them was so much like me, filled with an abundance of anger and rage while the other was on the opposite end of the spectrum, filled with hope and forgiveness. It still amazed me that Peeta could see all that was good in the world after all we had been through, but somehow he did, and every now and then I'd get a glimpse of life through his eyes which enabled me to heal.

As I watched Gale make his way quietly through the woods I began to wonder if he had come back to Twelve like Peeta did, would he be the one that helped me through my nightmares? It was hard to imagine since many of them were filled with visions of Prim's demise, and no matter how hard I tried, I still equated Gale to the bomb and the bomb to my sister's death.

The path we traveled through the dense trees had been one Gale and I had gone down countless times over the years. Where once before we had to go deep into the woods, now there were no Peacekeepers that would make us suffer if we were caught poaching off the land so when Gale wanted to go deeper in I stopped him. The further we traveled from Victor's Village the longer it would take me to get back and if anything happened with Peeta I'd need to get back quickly.

Gale began to set some snares and I waited. I saw three rabbits in the brush, but my bow and arrows stayed on my shoulder. I hadn't made this trip for game. Catching a glimpse of Gale while the rising sun streaked through the branches of an old maple tree I recalled the day we had come to the woods after my first Games and how we picnicked on items I brought from my new home in Victor's Village. And how, at the end of the day, he had taken my face in his hands and touched his lips to mine. I tried for a moment to recollect what it had felt like, but all I could remember was the taste of oranges lingering on our lips.

"Want some tea?" Gale asked, immediately tugging me into a present I wasn't sure I wanted to be a part of.

"Sure." I sat on a rock about a foot away from him, hoping the tea would calm my nerves.

"So. Why'd you decide to go hunting with me?" Gale looked out over the rising sun which had almost reached its destination.

"Because Peeta asked me to." He needs some answers, I thought to myself, but left that out. "And because we need to talk."

"So talk."

How did a person start a conversation like this? I could hear Peeta's words. "Tell him how you feel. Yell at him. Do something!"

So I started there. "I'm mad at you." The sound of Gale's laughter exploded through the quiet woods not to mention in my ears. "This isn't funny, Gale." I was already exasperated and I hadn't even started chewing him out yet. "Don't laugh at me."

"I'm not laughing at you, Katniss." Which I knew to be a crock of shit because he was still lightly chuckling and had a wicked gleam in his eyes and a devilish grin on his face that I was more than willing to wipe off. "It's just… the way you said that didn't sound like you at all. You've…changed."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"For starters, you sounded pretty calm for someone who's mad. Before you would've just punched me or something."

"Who said I wouldn't?" There was a very good chance that Gale would go home with a black eye if he kept acting like an inconsiderate fool.

"Want some?" He handed me a little bag. The moment I opened it up and saw the buttery colored cookies with a scalloped trim, I knew they came from Peeta who had made them two days earlier for Posy. "They're good cookies. Your boy's quite the baker."

No he's not. He's an artist. I hated that Gale was talking about Peeta in such a condescending manor. I hated that he was talking about Peeta at all. "Yes. His cheese buns are my favorite," I sounded overly sweet. "He makes them for me all the time."

"Yeah." That got the smile off of his face and our conversation back on track. "So why are you mad at me?"

There were a million reasons why I was angry with him. The Nut. This new persona he seemed to be taking on. Prim's death. And Peeta. "Pick a reason. I have a ton of them."

"Okay." Leaning back on his hands as though he had made himself comfortable, Gale said, "Let's start with Prim."

No. I didn't want to start with Prim. But I kept seeing Peeta's face. How hurt he'd been when he was talking to me yesterday. Even though he came over last night, he never told me he was there and he spent the entire time in the study. "Okay. Prim," I conceded.

"I didn't know what Coin was planning, Katniss. I had no clue. Neither did Beetee. If we knew…if either one of us knew, we would've done something to stop it."

"I have a hard time believing that."

"That I knew or that I'd stop it?"

"Both." While we were in Thirteen I had watched Gale go from an angry man wanting to rid our nation of Snow's cruel regime in order to provide a better life for his family, to one of Coin's vengeful soldiers hell bent on destroying anyone or anything in his way.

"Are you forgetting that I'm the one who saved Prim's life after the fire bombs hit? Why would I turn?

around and kill her?"

In the span of seconds we were fighting. I told him that he had let his hatred for the Capitol cloud his judgment. "You blamed everyone that hadn't suffered in the districts for the things that were out of their control!"

"They could have stood up to him! Plutarch did!"

"Plutarch had the ability to get out of the Capitol when things got hairy," I grunted out my frustrations. "You think the rest of them, those people, could have stood up to Snow without being tortured? Christ! Look what happened to Portia and Peeta's prep team!" I could feel my fingers clenching the metal cup my tea was in so tightly I was afraid I'd dent it. "All because they dressed Peeta! Geez! They killed all the prep teams because they were so damn paranoid!" Somewhere deep within me silent thanks went out to the universe for saving my "pet's" lives.

"Oh, and that's my fault too I suppose! Those people deserved to die for being a part of those damn Games!" The cookie in Gale's hand crumbled as he threw it across the woods. "Dressing people up in those disgusting clothes… And the rest of them… dressing like lunatics! For what?!"

This brought on a whole new argument. "Be careful, Gale," I gave his new hunting attire the once over. Sharply creased denim that hugged the lower half of his body tucked into fine quality leather boots that laced up to his mid-calf with a belt to match, a dark gray long-sleeved shirt that looked as soft as swan's down and beneath it a skin tight shirt so black I wondered if the new dye would stain his skin. "You know what they say about people in glass houses." I was disgusted with his new clothes. His new smug attitude. He couldn't even lift a finger to move his own mother into her new house.

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" His eyes narrowed in a deadly glare. "Are you seriously equating me to those… those…people?" He spat the last word out.

"It seems funny to me that you would hold what 'those people' wore against them, but you can't do the same for yourself. Do you always wear brand new clothes hunting or is this just part of your new image?" I could tell I struck a nerve with him when I said that, but then I he said something that almost had me eating my words.

"Not all of us got to go home and get our old clothes, Katniss."

"No, I guess not," I said with a hint of sorrow in my tone. "But you're awfully dressed up for hunting, Gale." I reached out and rubbed his gray sleeve between my fingertips. "Silk?" His eyes darted to the side and the guilt that had started to solidify within me melted like wax in the sun. "Like I said…people in glass houses… Tell me Gale, what would you have done if you got blood on your fancy new shirt?"

"Blood washes away, Katniss." The way he said it made me think we weren't speaking about clothing any longer.

Staring down at my hands I remembered rubbing my own saliva on them to rid them of Rue's blood after I buried her in flowers, and though the dried, caked substance had been rinsed off of my skin, there would always be a bright red stain burned into my flesh. "Not all of it does." Silence grew uncomfortably pregnant between us as the call of a hawk screeched somewhere to the east and I yearned for the time when we could sit with nature's music as the accompaniment to wordless exchanges.

Had I not had so many other issues to go over with him I would have stood up and gone back home…back to Peeta, but my dark side had yet to be satisfied and I found that there were still morals to be challenged like his decision making in District Two during the rebellion. "Why did you want to hurt all of those people in the Nut? We didn't have to trap them that way. It was no better than Snow sending in hovercrafts to bomb Twelve." I kept thinking of my father's saying about shooting fish in a barrel.

"That was different, Katniss. We were trying to win a war. Or don't you remember that?!" Our voices seemed to carry through the woods as they rose.

"No! I remember, but I still don't agree with what you did!"

"Neither do I." His confession surprised me. "Why do you think I'm living in District Two now?" His tone had turned remorseful. "It's not like I was appointed there or anything. I asked for it. I needed to help those people after what I did." At least he was owning up to his mistakes. Some of them. He told me about the reconstruction of the buildings. How he had learned things from Beetee and some of the local developers on building designs and structure. He was trying to help them put back what they had lost. "After the war ended, I took a look at the things that happened. When I thought back to some of the stuff I did… I didn't like it. I didn't like what I had become. Then you left and I thought about coming back here. My mom told me not to though. She said you needed some time." He shrugged his shoulder while staring blankly a spot on the ground next to my feet. "I guess I knew she was right. That's when I went to District Two and started working there. I wanted to help them out."

I wondered if in helping others rebuild their home he was able to find some sort of peace. "Do you feel better?"

"A little. Not much though." He paused, gave me some careful consideration then asked, "Do you feel better?"

"What do I need to feel better about?" As far as this conversation was concerned I hadn't done anything to warrant regret.

"I don't know, Mockingjay. What do you have to feel better about?" His voice not only rose, but had a wounding tone to it as though he wanted to pierce my conscience with his words. "You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't hurt any innocent people at all did you, Katniss?"

The image of the woman I shot in the Capitol came to mind. Glimmer…Cato…Cinna. "I guess we all have our regrets." My angry demeanor quickly changed to repentant.

"Some of us have more regrets than others."

"So tell me your regrets, Gale." I was curious as to what he felt he should make up for.

"My actions in District Two. Creating the bomb that ended so many lives." He paused then said, "Not coming back here with you. Not fighting for you."

And how was I supposed to respond to that? The only thing I could do was stare straight ahead and ignore his last statement.

"Are you going to say something?"

"What do you expect me to say?" Did he honestly think I'd start mooning over him like some lovesick twit that couldn't bear to live without him near?

"How about, I wish you came back too or you can still fight for me?"

I just shook my head thinking, Men are very confusing.

The sound of Gale clearing his throat was followed up with his hand reaching for mine. The instant I felt it I pulled my own away and shrank to the side. "Please don't."

After some thought he said to me, "I'm sorry about Prim, Catnip. I really am. I'd have given my own life before I'd have ever let anything happen to her."

I turned my head and studied his expression. As much as it pained me, I believed him. "I know." I let out a deep, resigning breath. "Please understand that it's still hard for me, Gale. That was my sister who died out there."

"So you're saying you can't forgive me."

"No. I'm saying that it's going to take time. And I'll never forget it."

"Fair enough. I suppose if it were Posy out there and your bomb, I'd feel the same way."

I nodded my head and told him, "It's good that you're working in District Two." Which was a nice way of saying what was really going through my head, I'm glad you're not living here on a permanent basis.

"Yeah, well it's not home, but I really couldn't come back here after what happened between us. I didn't think you'd want to see me."

"I didn't. I still don't." I couldn't help but grin at my chiding.

"Thanks, Catnip." He jabbed me with his elbow and chuckled. We sat quietly for a while and though it was nowhere near as comfortable as it used to be, it was most certainly an improvement over what we had experienced earlier in the day.

"Gale, I need to talk to you about something." It was time to face the music.

"Okay."

"What made you think you loved me? I mean, what was it that made you love me?" I wondered, My hair? My winning personality? As if. But I knew there had to be something about me that had him thinking about me in a different light.

"I don't know, Catnip. It just sort of snuck up on me. One day you were like my sister and the next I wanted to kiss you." His reasoning hadn't helped in the least, nor did it answer my question. "Why did you love me?"

With an accusatory look I asked, "Who said I did?"

"So you never had any feelings of love for me? Never thought about spending your life with me?"

"Of course I thought about it. I mean, how do you figure things out if you don't think about them?" Isn't that how people decided their future with another person?

"You can just react to what you feel. Like, when someone says they love you. You could say it back…if you felt it."

"If I did feel it, I'd say it." Questions popped into my head within a millisecond. Would you, Katniss? Have you told Peeta yet? Told him that you love him?

"Have you said it to Peeta yet?"

My head screamed, Shut up Gale! But I said, "That's none of your business."

"I'm making it my business."

He had no right to assert himself into my life as if the war hadn't changed the nature of our relationship. "No offense, Gale, but what goes on between me and Peeta is just that. Between ME and PEETA! It's nobody's business. And I'm sick of everyone sticking their noses in it."

"I'm not everyone. It's me, Catnip." He moved closer to me and said, "You used to tell me everything."

"Well, I'm not telling you this." My feelings for Peeta were my own. Not Gale's. Definitely not the Capitol's. Or the rest of Panem's. "Sorry, Gale. That topic isn't up for discussion."

"Fine." I knew he was angry with me, but I didn't really care. "So I guess he told you about our argument."

"He didn't have to," I glared at Gale recalling the way he told Peeta to 'enjoy me.' "I heard most of it."

"Oh," he had the good graces to blush and look temporarily to the side. "Look, I didn't mean…that thing I said to him. I'm sorry about that."

Gale and Peeta had thrown around so many angry words I wasn't quite sure what he was apologizing for. "Which 'thing' are you saying you're sorry about?"

"You know," Gale's eyes darted to the side, "that thing I said about you wishing it were me in bed with you at night instead of him."

Obviously I had left before that was said, but I didn't let on. I just gave Gale a quick nod like I was accepting his apology and wondered why Peeta hadn't told me what my supposed best friend had said about me. I watched as a squirrel scurried up a tree and across a branch, stopping to nibble on something then surveying his surroundings, but my thoughts kept going back to Peeta. He had no idea that I heard what was said between him and Gale that day, and he could have used the things Gale said against him. He could have made certain that Gale remained out of my life by affirming that the man didn't think very highly of the woman he claimed to love, but he didn't. Instead Peeta encouraged me to put things right between Gale and I. Whether he needed me to come to the woods for his own peace of mind or mine, the fact was, he didn't use Gale's hurtful words to gain himself favor with me. Resting my elbows on my knees, I burrowed my fingertips into my eyes and came to some conclusions; You've put Peeta through the ringer for years. He risked his life for you and you're going to lose him. You're going to lose your best friend. Peeta, I realized, had taken on that role since the first arena. I may have pretended that we had a romance going on, but the real pretense was my denial. He had managed to sneak his way into my thoughts. Into my heart.

"It's getting late. We should go." We had spent the whole day in the woods with nothing to show for it, but maybe sore throats from all the yelling we did. Though I did figure some things out.

Gale's snares were still set up in the woods; we hadn't bothered checking them before we left for Victor's Village, but the trip wasn't meant to be used for hunting. We both knew that. I didn't talk to him the entire way home. There was nothing left to be said. I may not have solved my issues with Gale, but I did have the answers Peeta needed.

When Gale and I reached the village I practically ran to my house, but Peeta was nowhere to be found and his paints were gone from the study. "He's not here." He knew I was coming back, but he didn't wait for my return. I sulked my way to the kitchen table and felt my entire body deflate into a chair as I wondered, Is this what Peeta's been going through? Is this how he's felt during the course of our entire relationship? Loneliness overwhelmed me as the tears began closing off my throat and stinging the back of my nose.

I wanted to be alone, but Gale was still there and once again he was butting his nose into my life. "So are you two really engaged or what?"

"I don't know what we are anymore." I turned my head and looked to the side vowing, I am not talking to you about this, Gale.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"We had a fight." So much for not talking about it to Gale.

"About what?"

"You!" I stood up and began ranting at him. "He's convinced that I need to face you. To make sure I still don't have feelings for you and now…now he's…" I buried my face in my hands and let the tears fall.

"Whoa. He's worried about me?" Gale walked to me and put his hand on my back. I shrugged it off immediately. "I'm not the one sleeping in your bed."

"Yes, but he thinks that…that…" I was blubbering like a schoolyard girl. It was ridiculous.

"What does he think?"

"That I might love you or something." I grabbed a napkin and blew my nose trying my best to take some deep breaths, but none of it helped.

"I hope you set him straight." Gale was right. I should've. I should've just told Peeta that I loved him, but no. I was just too afraid. "You did tell Peeta that you don't love me, right Katniss?" Gale walked closer to me and looked into my eyes. "Or do you?" I could see the hope on his face and I knew I was going to hurt someone today. This time when Gale placed his hands on my shoulders I didn't slink away. There was only so much pain I could be responsible for and if one last touch would help him to accept what I had to say, then so be it.

It all seemed to happen at once. I lifted my face to tell Gale, that I didn't love him, but before I could get a word out his lips were covering mine and Peeta was entering my house. The entire scene played out in slow motion. I pushed Gale away from me, but he held onto my elbow as though he were staking his claim while Peeta stared accusingly at me.

"Peeta," the gasp at the end of his name screamed guilt, but I hadn't kissed Gale back. I didn't want to. "It's not what you think;" I yanked my arm away from Gale's clutches.

"Don't. Just don't, Katniss." Peeta was livid as he turned and stormed out the door, but I was on his heels in no time.

"Peeta! Wait!" When I caught up with him I tried to touch him but he pulled away. "Let me explain," my plea stopped him in his tracks.

There was impatience in his voice and pain in his eyes when he asked, "What's there to explain?"

"It's not how it looked, Peeta." I was torn between defending myself and begging for forgiveness.

"It looked like he was kissing you." His voice was full of anger.

"But I didn't want him to."

"Sure, Katniss." He didn't believe me. Why should he? I'd spent the past few years bouncing between him and Gale like a rubber ball. I wouldn't believe me either. "Whatever you say."

I had to convince him. "Can I at least explain?"

"No." He started for his house without giving me or my explanation a second thought.

"You can't just walk away!" I shouted while stamping a foot.

"Watch me."

"No!" Running in front of him I stood directly in his path. "This isn't fair. You're not being fair."

"Fair?" By the way his brows shot up and his jaw tensed, I had obviously struck a nerve. "You're going to stand there and say I haven't been fair?" He was yelling at me now. "I'm not the one sharing a bed with one guy and then making out with another!"

"I wasn't making out with him!" My voice and stance matched his.

"Could've fooled me!" He took me by the arms and forcefully moved me to the side when I refused to budge. After taking a few steps he spoke with his back to me, his tone no longer accusing or filled with anger, but doubt, "You know, Katniss. I really have no one to blame, but myself. I knew you two had something, but I thought…maybe. Just maybe…" He turned to me and said, "Not this time, Katniss. I won't be standing on the side lines waiting for you to choose one of us."

"There's nothing to choose, Peeta." I tried to keep my voice steady. "It chose me." I walked closer to him, hoping he wouldn't turn me away silently praying to myself, Please let me hold your hand. I threaded my trembling fingers through his lifeless ones. "It chose me, Peeta."

His jaw was stern and his eyes fierce. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying there's nothing between me and Gale. There never really was." Why I couldn't say what I was thinking, Please forgive me. I love you, was a mystery to me.

Maybe if I had Peeta wouldn't have stood there staring at me like I was a Capitol mutt. "I need to think, Katniss." He pulled his hand from my grip and went into his house. The heavy latched clicked, echoing through the cul de sac, screaming out Peeta's wordless answer to my plea. The message was clear. Stay out.

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