Help.
It's not easy.
Help is a word you scream when you're in trouble, when you need someone…
…when you're drowning.
And this whole time, I was drowning.
Not just drowning, physically, like I was before,
But drowning,
In myself.
Depression.
Sadness. Gloom. Melancholy…
Depression.
That's what I had, you know. All though I kind of knew that all along, I just didn't want to name it.
Because…because if you name something, it becomes real.
Real.
This was real, no matter how badly I wanted it to be just a dream that I can wake up from.
You know what? All those words I named before, all those words that the therapist used to describe the condition I was in…
They are all the opposite…
Of Glee.
Things I learned in therapy
1. Mental depression is hard to cure without help
Help.
I couldn't scream for it. I couldn't scream for it, I couldn't look for it, I couldn't find it.
So, someone did for me.
And I owe that person my life.
2. People living with depression can sometimes feel cut off from the world around them
Well, that's true.
I was cut off from the world.
I was in the dark.
Everything around me,
Was black. Dark. Shadowed.
And I can only think of one person,
Who always had a light,
When it was just all so dark.
3. It's not your fault.
No.
No, it's never your fault.
Things I learned in therapy that I will never tell Finn
1. Without you, I'd be a goner.
And I would too.
I would have drowned.
In the water,
And in myself.
2. You stuck by me, even when I could barley stick by you.
You were my support,
My balance.
My voice.
3. I love you, too.
"Rachel?" He called my name, making me look up. Oh yeah, forgot to tell you, Finn and I did something…bad today. We snuck into a Vocal Adrenaline practice. Just to spy. Well, at first it was just to spy…but then I had a better idea. They were all done now, anyway, so we'd have to leave soon.
"I'm not so sure about this anymore, Finn. Maybe we should just go home."
"No way!" Finn shook his head. "This is what you came here for! Plus, it'll help you."
Well, okay…if it'll help.
Shelby was in the back of the room, focusing on texting whoever's in her contacts. Then she picked up her phone, and called whoever it was she was texting. She fumbled around in her purse, looking for her keys so she could lock the place up and go home. She didn't notice us.
"Go!" Finn whispered.
So…I did.
"No, like I said I-" I must have interrupted Shelby's phone call, because when she saw me walking towards her, she said into the phone: "I'll have to call you back," and hung up quickly. "Rachel," She breathed. "I…I heard about what happened, and I was going to call, but-"
And then, I did it.
I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her.
"I love you, Mom."
"I love you, too, honey."