Disclaimer:I don't own Gilmore Girls...or Jess...sigh...
Twenty-Five Words that Remind Rory of Jess
1. Rain
One night he came tapping at your window, beckoning for you to come out into the dark rain-filled night. You followed him out, unsure of what he wanted. When you began to speak, he turned to you with a half-smile and pressed a single finger to his lips. "Just listen," he whispered. The two of you stood there, letting the rain slide down your faces, matting your hair to the back of your neck, in silence.
Later, after he left, you think he is similar to rain. Dark, yet beautiful.
2. Smirk
Each time Logan smirks at you, you are transported back to another time and place when another boy smirked at you with laughter in his dark eyes. His smirk always held a special place in your heart.
3. Book
He used to call you just to read a single line from a book that he thought you would like. After he read it to you, he would tell you what those words meant to him. In those moments, he let you see inside of him. Those were the only times he ever let you past the stone wall he held around his soul.
4. Translucent
When you saw him with Shane you felt translucent, see through, as if you weren't even there. He'd look at you, but it was as if he was looking past you, through you, to a space in the back of your head that no one else ever bothered to see. He'd glare at you then, in that way he had, that made you feel about two inches tall and then reconnect his face to Shane's.
You wished that Shane was the translucent one.
5. Diner
You do not let it show because you are Rory Gilmore and nothing really keeps you down for long, but every time you walk into a diner (it doesn't even have to be Luke's) you find yourself searching for him. You've seen him two-hundred-and-fifty-three times since the day he left.
You see his face in ever server that pours your coffee.
6. Kiss
When Dean kissed you, you felt a warm sensation in your belly not unlike the sickly sweetness of summer. Even then, you knew there was something missing, but you ignored it because Dean was so sweet, so good.
When you kissed Jess, the warmth spread throughout your heart starting a fire that you feared would not be contained. He showed you what passion meant.
7. Safety
When he held you in his arms, you felt as if nothing could ever hurt you. The only true feeling of safety you ever felt was within his arms.
8. Run
He ran from you as if you were nothing. He left without even saying goodbye and it hurt, it hurt so bad that you could barely breath. Then he comes back and hope flickered, but he ran again. The next time, you smash the hope that threatens to bloom and in doing so crush the only man you've ever loved.
Sometimes you wonder when it was that the two of you switched roles. Now you are the one who runs, while he stays still...waiting, constantly waiting for you.
9. Leather
After he left, you went out and bought a leather jacket, keeping it safely hidden beneath your bed. Sometimes, late at night, you pull it out and let yourself be wrapped in it. You pretend it is his and that he is there beside you.
When you sleep, you dream of unruly dark hair and stormy eyes.
10. California
Is California a state that draws the runners, or only those who run from you? It is where your father ran to, shortly after you were born. It is where Logan went after you told him no. It is the state that stole Jess from you.
You promise yourself that you will never go to California, for fear that you will hit every person you meet for always stealing the men in your life.
11. Keg
Every time you go to a house party, you are reminded of the last night you were truly happy. You see in your mind's eye the way it was with Jess and you see where it all went wrong up in Kyle's bedroom. You wish you had told him you loved him then, but you had thought you had more time.
You always think there's more time.
12. Alcohol
Luke told you about the empty bottles of Jack Daniel's scattered throughout Jess's crappy New York apartment. You worry, silently, praying that he has not fallen further into the dark abyss you had tried so desperately to pull him from.
It isn't long before you begin to slip into the abyss, a bottle of Jack Daniel's held firmly in your small hand.
13. Dodger
He was your Dodger. He stole your book, but even more, he stole your heart. The book he returned, but the heart is still held within his calloused hands.
14. Fate
You never believed in fate until you met him. You think it may have been fate that he came to your little town. You hope that fate will guide him back to you.
15. Prom
You have a flowing pale yellow dress folded neatly in a cardboard box that you never got to wear. You imagine dancing in a crepe-filled school gym, held in the arms of your doomed love.
You dream of this long after the debris he left behind have settled.
16. Box
He has five boxes. They are filled with various books, small knick-knacks, a Luke's menu, the bridesmaid dress from Sookie's wedding, letters that you wrote but never sent, a million little things that remind you of him. When you finished packing everything away that long ago day your room was almost bare. Over the years other small things have been added and you wonder if you will ever be finished packing things away into your Jess box.
Dean only had one small box.
Logan has no box.
17. Future
You dreamed of a future where he was a permanent fixture. Your dreams crumbled the day he walked away. The day you realized he probably never saw a future with you.
18. Subsect
When you hold his book in your hands for the first time you have to remind yourself to breath. He wrote a book. He actually wrote a book. When you open it and read the words printed on the pages you feel as if you are complete again. For the whole hour and half it took you to read his book, you were transported back to four years ago when he was by your side.
You are back inside his mind when you read his words, his thoughts, and you wish you never had to leave it.
19. Fear
You realize now that he left partly because he was afraid and partly because he wanted to finally know his dad. You couldn't understand back then why he was afraid, but you think you do now. You think that if he felt even a fraction of the fear you feel now when you think of him, then maybe he was right to run away.
20. Dying
Each time he walks away from you, you feel your soul die a little more. You fear that one day you will be left with a dead soul, and no one to truly care.
21. Brown
Brown is the color of his eyes, eyes that could hold you captivated for hours. Messy tendrils of dark hair used to fall into those eyes and you never thought they would both be torn from you.
22. No
Your answer to his plea to give him another chance. No. The only word you could think to say when he'd come begging you to run away from him. No. You hated your lips for forming that one word.
That word was your damnation.
23. Yes
The single word you wished you would have said to him. The single word you never could seem to form when he was near. You'd stood in front of your mirror countless times repeating that single word over and over. Yes. Yes. Yes.
This word would be your salvation, but would it ever come?
24. Cone
He testified that ice cream could be eaten only in cones. That was the moment you knew. That was when your heart was lost to him.
25. Love
When it came to love you never really seemed to get it right. You told Dean you loved him because he was your safety net. If you were with Dean you didn't have to hunt up for an excuse not to date someone else. You told Dean you loved him because you never really would.
You blurted it out to Logan that you loved him, subconsciously hoping it would push him away from you. The affect seemed to be the opposite, but you continued to tell him you loved him. But now you were trying to convince yourself you really did.
You never told Jess you loved him. Once over the phone you said you thought you might have, but it's not the same. By then he was already gone and you knew he wouldn't be coming back. You wonder if he would have stayed had you told him, or if it just would have made him run sooner.
Jess to you is love, but you let it slip away and somehow you know that you can never get it back. He gave you more chances than you ever gave him and you screwed them up every time. You just hope that somehow he knows that somewhere, in a small town, there's a girl he used to know who still loves him.