The gods damn it
Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain
Why is it that my life seems to be controlled by puns? Never mind. I'm all for living in chaos and being in a constant fight for my life. But once in a while, you want to know why you're fighting. Or why liquorice hurts so much when you hit yourself with it. I mean, it's candy! What the hell?! Anyway, as you may have guessed, for some strange reason the titans aren't used to, or liking civilization. They leave the earth for a couple of eons and when they came back, bang! Civilization. Not they're environment. Of course, the titanly way of dealing with that is not to adjust yourself, but to adjust your environment. Back to my life!
Graymar's eyes narrowed. " You know, I've been away for the past seven millennia and I still feel like it's hasn't been long enough. Can't you two just die? What to we have to do?" Seven millennia? What was he the titan of, dinosaurs? Gah! He's stolen my wit!
" See you haven't used that time to work out your issues." said Oranos. He looked odd, a mixture of confusion of unease. "Surely Kronos wouldn't waste one such as you on such a simple task?"
Graymar grinned. "Oh, but this is of the utmost importance. Even for you. If we find out what we're looking for, we might share."
Alex shivered slightly. "The ship." he said bitterly. "Very well. I wish you the best of luck, and an only a slightly excruciating death." Hmm. That was oddly polite of Alex.
"That's why Kronos approached Percy." said Oranos suddenly. "That's why you captured me…." What? Are they insinuating that the evil lord of titans wouldn't want my services without having ulterior motives? The bastards!
"Finally you're connecting the dots." said Graymar. "You know perfectly well that this benefits both of us. You don't want to stop me."
"Actually." sighed Alex. "Actually we do. We'll find out in other ways." His eyes flashed with fire. "There are other ways. Tell Kronos that. Tell him to go to my rock. He will understand."
"We have to go." said Oranos. "It's time that Alex brings us back up to speed. Did you get the gate hinge?"
"Yeah, but that vaults security was pathetic." said Thalia. "It was too easy." She looked over at Alex.
Oranos lifted his eyebrows. "Well, Prometheus can't steal the gate hinge himself, but he can certainly weaken the defences. Now come. Back to camp half blood." I don't know how or why, but suddenly all three of us fell unconscious. The last thing I saw was a flash of fire. We woke up in Camp Half blood. Only one thing bothered me. I hadn't seen Josh since our meeting with Artemis.
Alex and Oranos were talking extremely fast in a language I didn't even begin to understand. Mr. D was also sitting but it seemed he was having a difficulty keeping up with them. Hades nodded occasionally but every now and then he shook his head and seemed to give up. He caught my gaze. "Titanish." he said. "Language these bastards spoke before Rethia invented ancient Greek."
"Actually we called it Enoch." said Oranos. "It's the primal language from which all other language were formed."
"It's sound primal." said Mr. D. "It's like when these brats talk. You can try and understand, but all in all, it's much easier to just fantasise about using vines to rip their heads of and then letting their blood feed the next generation of grapes."
" Right." said Alex. He flexed his tongue a little, as if the language was not something that was actually meant to be spoken, and thus took it's wrath out on Alex's tongue.
" Percy we need to talk. It's very important."
"There isn't going to be hugging right?" asked Mr. D. "I'd rather leave if there was hugging."
"No." said Alex. "No hugging." Damn. Just cold hard facts as opposed to soft warm hugs. "Percy, you need to understand why Kronos tried to get into your mind. Whatever he said was just a distraction. He hoped that in you mind would lie some-
Oranos cut him off with a warning look. "Information." continued Alex. " About how the titans are supposed to get they're powers back into control and how to avoid the effects the ah, western civilization is having on the ones that returned."
"Wait." asked Annabeth. 'What are you talking about? Can Kronos read our minds?" Ah ha! So someone is trying to hide their love for me from Kronos! I'm still in the game!
" Yes." said Oranos. "But he has to be close enough to do it."
"Can you two do it?" asked Thalia. Oh damn. This may explain why me and Alex's styles always complimented each others. Not that that's a bad thing. We owned at the fashion show. Stupid conservative judge. Leather shouldn't be on fire. Please.
"Yes." said Alex. " But we don't mess around with it. We don't even joke about it. We pretty much try and not do it. Humans minds are, fragile." said Alex. "If we make one mistake then your ability to think at all is fucked up. It happened before." There was obviously a story here. Hopefully it involves ska music.
"Wait, so does this mean Kronos pretty much decided he could just screw around with my mind?" I asked. If I said I didn't mind, it would be a lie. Gah! There it is again! The bastard stole my wit!
Alex gave a half smile. His dark hair glistened slightly. It was disorientating, but he looked way to much like Kronos. "Percy, Kronos is far better at that kind of thing than we are. Believe me." Once again, I have the feeling there's a story here. Or a ska band.
"Now why was it so easy getting Oranos off the boat?" I asked. My life was in mortal peril several times but hey, we can't all be superstars.
"Kronos didn't really kill me." said Oranos. "He captured me and kept me in that damn cupboard. It was incredibly stuffy."
"I can imagine." said Alex. "He always wears those dark cloaks and twice woven vests. They must gather dust like, I don't know dust mites. Or a villains home."
"And it was cramped." said Oranos, nodding. "The bastard."
"But why would he keep you alive?" asked Thalia. "Uh, I mean why won't he bring you as close to the point of destruction that a Titan can go too."Hmm. No wonder they have they're own language.
"He kept me alive because he needed a test subject. He needed to figure out if the effects the Western world is having on us titans could be stopped. He actually planned your saving me in his original plans. And that's the problem." said Oranos bitterly. "The second he figures out how he can conquer the world without changing unwillingly, he will."
"Yeah, but what do I have to do with it?" I asked. Now, it's time to tremble, because it always seems the star of the show i.e. me, always has some kind of awesome mortal danger hanging over their heads. It may seem that us hero's greatest abilities are to overcome these insurmountable odds. That's untrue. Our greatest ability is to never go into panic attacks, nervous breakdowns, excruciating deaths or any other minor inconveniences
"I said change unwillingly." said Oranos. "Percy, that prophecy says you'll end the age of the gods. It doesn't say you'll deliver us into the age of the titans. So, Kronos and Zeus are trying to figure out how to become something… more." He seemed almost uncertain about the words he was using. I would too. What does a titan with almost omnipotent powers strive to be?
Alex smiled grimly. "I know this will take a while before it makes sense." said Alex. "But Kronos was, once very very very, long ago, in a completely different time era and, uh, system of morals and other ethical stuff, a noble and wise ruler." He looked as if he didn't want to say it but Oranos prodded him. "But lets say laying on the ground in a thousand pieces in a never ending agony has made him extremely bitter." Well, if he pulled himself together earlier we wouldn't be in this mess.
"Yeah, but it began a while before that." said Alex. "Around the time Zeus was born he became downright unpleasant. Fell in with the wrong sort of crowd. Used cruelty as a way of amusing himself. Fucked a horse. Started calling me fat." Alex shook his head in sadness. "I never thought he would become that bitter but." He shrugged. "He's just proof that any can fall. Like Oranos is proof that they can also be redeemed." Hmm. I always wondered how Chiron came to be.
"Now rest." said Hades, looking at each of us. Most of the other campers have returned and they magical border will be raised. But don't lose hope. Disney land still stands, and while it stands, there is hope. If it falls, you're screwed." Ah, now we get the cold and impersonal part.
I nestled myself comfortably on the pillows and. Dammit! Alex and Oranos had drawn all over my body with, holy shit is that blood? No, blood leaves stains. It's probably something else. Maybe Alex tried to dye his hair Auburn while taking of my clothes and sliding me into this rather tight but oh so soft Spiderman boxer shorts. I hope it was Alex. Think Percy think! Hmmm, I once ate a biscuit. Wait. "Alex, are you trying to read my mind?" I yelled.
"Just trying to show you I can." said Alex. " Kronos was probably a lot more, refined." Damn right. It was like the difference between silk and cotton, between water and air, between the merely adequate and the simply easily tired overpriced crap. Hmm. Ignore last analogy. I'm not even sure what I mean anymore. Stupid Alex.
"Oh yeah." said Hades before he left. " Percy, your dad left you a message."
"Oh." I said. I tried to stop myself from sounding to eager or worse, squeky. "What was it?"
"I think it went something along the lines of you stupid half brain give me my nose back." said Hades, shrugging. "Now, if you'll excuse me." He left, limping slightly. But this was Hades. He could have seventeen stab wounds and four nipple twists and he'll still act like it's relaxing. His breathing gave it away. It was way to heavy. As if something had crushed his ribs.
"I know." said Alex, winking at me. "He is very proud of his pride."
"Get out of my mind." I said throwing him with a one's of the shoes that were laying next to my bed. Alex didn't even move as the shoe flew past him.
"You know, your shoe throwing abilities would be a lot more fearsome if you could actually aim." said Alex. Damn. I may have a challenger to a battle of wits. No you don't. Alex, get out of my fucking head!
"Uh, Alex, can you please stay out of Percy's head?" asked Annabeth. "It's getting weird."
"Yeah, get out of the Sea weed brain." said Thalia.
"Dear Poseidon." I said. "I hoped you forgot that nick name."
"I'll be sure to use it now." said Thalia with an evil glint in her eyes.
"It's not very creative." said Oranos. "I dismiss it. Hence force he shall be known as Corral chin and Fish face."
"Corral chin doesn't roll of the tongue and Fish face is too general." said Alex. "I give that six outta ten." Weird. I thought it would be like five. Wait, they're insulting me!
"Did we really just abandon our discussion on how to save the Western world so we can think up new nick names for you to annoy me with?" I asked.
"What about Iguana ears?" asked Oranos, who didn't seem satisfied with his previous points.
Alex looked confused. "What is an Iguana?" he asked.
"I blame you for this." I told Thalia. She just grinned. "Okay!" I yelled. "Can we get back to the fact that we're all doomed and you two haven't any idea what to do?"
"Thankfully this possibility has occurred to us. So while Kronos and Luke weren't looking I planted several military grade explosives on the Ship." said brandishing a detonator. "Now I'm pushing the detonator." He pushed the detonator. A large explosion seemed to come from the south.
"You didn't forget the stuff in the Ares cabin right?" asked Oranos.
"Man, it's a total blank. So, new master plan?" asked Alex.
"New master plan." nodded Oranos. "So back to finding degrading nick names for Percy."
" Did you guys damn the Ares offspring are do you just not like them?" asked Thalia. Annabeth's mouth still hanged slightly.
"No we've been putting them in near death situations all year because we like their style." said Alex rolling his eyes. " It's not personal Annabeth. See, when Ares damned or cursed or whatever you want to call it, let's just go with damned. When he damned Percy a few years ago, he got , certain ….privileges. Lets just day the old rules lets him do whatever he wants to get to Percy. He can even cross into another gods domain. And Ares may take things personally and ignore Kronos' orders that Percy is not to be killed or crippled. " Alex sighed. "It's pretty ancient actually. The second a mortal wrongs a god, he's life belongs to that god unless another god is willing to protect him. Therefore we make a constant point of reminding Ares that if he touches you, everything he holds dear will be destroyed."
"Besides, it's fun." said Oranos. I am so thankful that my friends care so much for my well being.
"That's why I guarded you two years ago." said Alex. "With another child of the prophecy in position I was sure Ares would consider it a risk worth taking."
"So why didn't I have a guardian this time?" I asked.
Alex grinned. "Because, now neither side wants you dead. Ares kills you, he has nowhere to run, hide, crawl or other wise avoid me." he said. "Now, get some sleep. And don't worry about the western world. Worry about Disney world." Alex and Oranos left, and I suddenly realised it was night. Weird.
"Guess we should sleep." said Thalia. Eying the door, and looking as if she was fighting an intense inner battle. " Must keep head empty."
"They're gone." said Annabeth. She looked at both of us. "Are you two terrified too, or is it just me?"
"What?" I asked calmly. "We are almost certainly doomed and I'm covered in Auburn hair dye. It could be way worse." Damn straight. The hair dye could be platinum blonde. Ughh. Shudder, shudder. Ughh.
"Why was Hades limping?" asked Thalia suddenly. "If I'm worried, it's cause there is something out there who can beat the shit out of Hades. And I'm not even sure if Hades has left the camp." Damn. They're not going to let me sleep are they? Hmm, the only way out of this seems to be to think of a fool proof way of destroying Kronos or Zeus. Think Percy, think. Death doesn't work due to his immortality but what else do all people fear? It suddenly occurred to me.
"Annabeth, does Kronos pay taxes?" I asked. Yes, the one other thing all people are certain of. His annual tax alone should be in the millions! Unless he claimes for unemployment…..Stupid laze bastard.
"Percy you're an Idiot." said Annabeth with a sense of finality.
Author Notes: I apologise for the delay in writing chapters, but my exams, are as of now, finally finished. Yay. I also can't unfortunately read most of the new stories, for fear of spoiler, for due to an astonishing display of delayeditness, Titans curse hasn't reached South Africa yet. I guess that makes this fic and AU. Oh, yeah, Percy Blink t-shirt featured a picture of Tom, Mark, and Travis and the words punk poets in pink. Oh yeah, Kronos'back story is very important.