10

Again Floyd seemed subdued. Sam was irritable. I was keeping my head down. I'd heard what he'd said to Rossi. In a way the claim that I'd hit him was a fair one. I had hit him. And I'd meant to hurt him too. I felt he deserved it. He pushed me to it! The damage I received in return though was slightly more than I've delivered.

But:

It was my fault.

I raised my hand to him.

If he raised a hand in return it was in self defence wasn't it?

We got a lift back to the hotel. Sam put the television on far too loud and Floyd pulled on a jacket and stuffed his hands deep into his pockets. 'I need to go get something. Don't wait up.' And he left again. I asked Sam if he was alight to be alone whilst I have a dip in the tub. He offered to scrub my back and for one horrible moment it was almost tempting. He also offered to share the tub with me. I didn't find that quite as tempting though. Sam flopped on the bed and watched motor racing and I let myself slip into a nowhere place in my head and allowed myself to drift… not off to sleep as such, but just to somewhere else. Somewhere where everything was perfect.

Somewhere – and I hate to say this – without Sam.

It's not that I actively dislike him. No… it's because I think maybe I'm jealous. I know. It's pathetic and I'm aware of that, but Floyd has been away for so long. I just want time the two of us to get to know each other again. We've both changed. I don't think it's for the better either. My bath water was cold when I heard Floyd come back. He didn't come in the bathroom so I emptied the tub and started to get dry. I could hear Sam's excited whispers. I could hear the almost conspiratorial tone in Floyd's voice. They were up to something so I swung open the bathroom door thinking I'd catch them at something. Well I did catch them at something. I let out a soft groan and my dislike for Sam increased a notch.

'Spencer.' Floyd was laying back on the bed from the hips upwards. Sam was kneeling at the foot of the bed thanking Floyd for something. 'He had no cash. I took payment in another way.'

I didn't move. I just stood there watching Sam blow my boyfriend. I assumed he was my boyfriend, lover, companion, mate… however you like to say it. I was shaking so much if I'd moved forwards I'd wouldn't have shown how angry I was, my knees would have given way and I'd have ended up on the floor. Not good.

And so I clung a hold of the door frame and watched Sam give me a thumbs up. He didn't move though. Oh no. It didn't stop what he was doing. He must have been very grateful for something. When he moved away and wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand he then turned to look at me. 'Hey. You want some?' He moved on his knees towards me and still I couldn't move. I was cemented to the spot just outside the bathroom door. If he'd gotten close enough I would have kicked him out of the way. I was planning it. I had it there in my head ready to do. I could see in my minds eye the way his nose broke and the blood splattered over his face as the heel of my foot made contact. I didn't have to though. It never happened because Floyd grabbed Sam by the hair and spoke.

'You want the stuff I got you, then you don't touch Spence. Ever. Understand?'

Sam sat back on his heels and gave me that cold calculating look. I think he knew I would have done my best to hurt him and I think that was why he moved towards me like that. He wanted to have Floyd hit me in his defence. The little… There are not polite words to describe that creature. 'Floyd got me some stuff.' A sly grin. 'I'll share it. I've a load of needles…'

Floyd went out and as casually as only Floyd could he purchased heroin for Sam.

'Spencer doesn't want your shit Sam. I got it for you not for him. You go sort yourself out. Have some fun… I'm going to snort some of my own lovely powders and I suppose Spence is going to sit and watch some old sci-fi on TV.'

That was his explanation. That was all he felt was necessary. What I wanted was irrelevant. What I did want was to walk from the room as my friends got high and go have a drink in the bar, but I'd never leave the pair of them alone again. They both laid back on their beds and Floyd sniffed up his powders and drifted off with his eyes open looking at things only he could see. Sam prepared himself and with a happy sigh injected his drug into his arm. For a short while I just stood and looked at the pair of them. There was some motor race on the television and the noise was grating on me, but first I walked over and looked down at Floyd and waved a hand in front of his face. I got a slight murmur of a reaction and his fingers twitched but nothing else. I then moved to look at Sam who had his eyes shut and his dirty mouth slightly open.

I shouldn't have done it.

But in a sick way I don't regret it.

Floyd says that he hits out when he's angry or frustrated. He's trying to stop doing that by getting obsessive over floors and dust. Maybe I should have gone to the bathroom and cleaned out the tub.

I didn't though.

I stood with clenched fists staring at the face of the person who was going to – as I was seeing things then – destroy my relationship with Floyd. I took money from Floyd's wallet. I locked the balcony door. I left them.

Not before clouting Sam hard in his mouth with my fist though.

It was wrong! I shouldn't have. I knew that as I walked down the corridor to the bar. I had hit Sam so hard that I had a cut on my knuckle. I've never hit a defenceless person before. I hope I'll never do it again. If I'd stayed in the room I'd have done something to Floyd too and my life wouldn't be worth living. I had to get out and clear my head and the only way I could see to do that was to go to the bar. Even though I knew I shouldn't leave them alone. Even though I should have stayed to ensure they were alright.

It was vile and selfish, but that is what happens when driven to the place Floyd had dragged me to. This time though was going to be different. If he thought that he could use Sam to keep control of me then he'd have to think again. I would love to have been able to say that I cared and that I'd not let Sam get beaten… I would love to have kept my word to myself and been able to say that I'd step between the pair of them, but the way I was feeling when I went to the bar and ordered a large Scotch on the rocks and a packet of cashews wasn't a feeling that I'd protect Sam.

Swirling thoughts in my head.

Ideas.

How to annoy Floyd so that he'd attack that beast.

What could I do to show Floyd that he couldn't control me?

He'd left me for two years.

The person he came back to wasn't the one he'd left. Rossi was right. Floyd was a bully. And as I sat and drank myself into oblivion I thought that this time Floyd had bitten off more than he could chew.

o-o-o

I was expecting Floyd to come and find me, but it wasn't Floyd but Sam who came steaming into the bar snatching my drink out of my hands and shouting at me.

'You son of a bitch! You fucking cunt! How fucking dare you do that! What gives you the right to fucking well hit me like that! Look what you've done you bastard! Just look at the state of my fucking face!'

I indicated that he should sit down and be quiet. People were watching. We'd get thrown out, not only of the bar but out of the hotel. 'You've got a problem?' I think my voice was slightly slurred.

'You're damned right I've got a fucking problem.' He was sitting now, leaning over the small table in the corner and hissing his words at me. I could feel spittle spraying my face. 'You hit me! I might not have been able to defend but I bloody well knew what you did and I damned well felt it.'

I nodded at him. 'Good. It would have been wasted if you'd not felt it.' Now I leaned over the table too. 'You will learn.' I hissed back at him. 'Floyd might have spawned you, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with your sleaze. I wont tolerate it Sam. If you do that to him again I will show you how much I dislike your actions. If you want to get high then you go ahead.' Then I said something I shouldn't have. 'I hope you over dose.' I put it down to the scotch which I think had diluted my senses and turned me into the worst kind of spiteful, resentful, jealous… person. I didn't mean it. I really didn't mean it, but it was too late. Words are hard to take back when said with so much venom. Even when the words are tainted by alcohol.

'You motherfucker. I'm going to tell Floyd what you said.'

I reached over the table now and grasped hold of Sam's shoulder. I wanted to hit him again. I wanted to grab his hair and smack his face on the table. I was so angry I could hardly think… or so drunk I could hardly think! 'Get out. Go back to the room Sam. You're still tripping.'

He peeled my hand away from his shoulder. 'Cunt!' He howled, turned and walked quickly from the bar. I shrugged and slumped back into the padded bench I was sitting on. It was the early hours of the morning when Floyd slipped onto the bench next to me and wrapped a friendly arm around my shoulder. He breathed on the side of my face but said nothing which just made me think that those hands were going to do a lot of hurting very soon. It wouldn't matter to Floyd that we were in a public place. I could feel his fingers digging into the top of my arm and as he just sat there and breathed on me I realised suddenly what was so different about Floyd. His breath had a strong smell of cloves. He didn't have that strong lingering smell of musk and man sweat about him. Slowly, oh very slowly I turned my face to look at him. He raised an eyebrow and licked his lips and then ran a tongue over mine.

'Well.' He whispered into my face. 'That was very unexpected. Care to explain? I really never thought you had it in you, but that's a couple of times you've retaliated against me and now you've given Sam a swollen mouth. He's not very happy.'

I could feel that sudden drink fuelled feeling that I was right about everything and everyone else was wrong. The lights were too bright, the sounds were too loud and I felt I was going to throw up into Floyd's face, but I stayed sitting where I was and I didn't pull back from Floyd. I was feeling unbalanced. I didn't want to slide onto the floor. 'I know that you're not monogamous. I can deal with that Floyd, but not with Sam and not in front of me. I'm not going to stay with you or travel with you if you and he are going to carry on like that under my nose. Why does your breath smell funny? Why don't you smell funny? Send Sam back to college. Let him have his education. Stop buying him dope. I thought you wanted to prove that you could be a good father…'

'Uh hu. Yes… I am being a good father, though I'm not his father, but I get what you're saying. He's clothed and warm and I'm giving him what he wants. What more can a boy of his age want or need? He's not well Spencer. He's got this infection thing…'

Now it's my turn to cut off what Floyd is saying. 'One very good reason why he shouldn't be taking drugs. Another good reason is that Sam is still starving himself. He needs proper care. You are not capable.'

Floyd pulled back a bit now and rested his elbows on the slightly sticky table. 'I'm sorting the eating thing.'

'But you're not! You're doing nothing. You got him one sandwich and when he wouldn't eat it you admitted that you are inclined to poison him on occasion. That's not sorting things! He needs to be in hospital and I don't mean for his infection which by the way he can pass on to you through what he was doing… but he needs to be in therapy. He needs detox, rehab, and guidance and then he needs to be back in college.'

'Well fuck me if you've suddenly become parent of the decade! You surprise me at every turn. I'm going to assume that you've drunk too much because you'd never talk to me with such disrespect normally. You'll put that last drink aside and walk back to the room with me. We can talk between the three of us once you've had some sleep.'

He dragged me from my place and I saw that look on his face. An apologetic look that he gave the barman – He was helping his drunk friend back to his room. What a hero! What a man. We returned to our suite without incident. Sam was sitting with his back to the balcony doors again and looking at me as though I was the dirt he'd scraped off the bottom of his shoe. We needed to discuss this. We had to sit and talk about it. Really talk about it… our feelings… what we wanted… what we expected… the usual stuff which I guess not enough couples sit down and talk about. But then this wasn't a very normal situation. I sat down on the bed and I suppose I fell asleep. Too much drink. Too much stress. Too many unknowns. My brain shut off for a while. That's good though. There's no point in talking about what we are feeling when all I could feel was a woozy sickness in my head and stomach. When I woke up it was to bright light flowing through the window, the smell of the outdoors… and the noise of Sam watching the motor racing again. Except he wasn't watching it. He was out on the balcony talking to Floyd. I therefore assumed that the noise of the television was just there to annoy me. I went to the bathroom, cleaned my teeth, searched for a razor or a blade and found nothing. I showered… did all the usual things and when I exited the room again Floyd was still out on the balcony with Sam. They were both smoking. I could smell the stink from the cheroots as it wafted in with the slight breeze. I made my decision there as I stood looking at them that I was going home. I would book a ticket on a train and just get out of this stupid situation while I still had the chance. I didn't have any money though, but Floyd's wallet was laying there on the bed so I just took a wad of the cash he had stuffed in there and put it in my pocket then went and stuffed the few things I had in a bag and stood by the door wondering if he'd even notice. I saw his hand drift to Sam's butt and I saw the way he seemed to stroke what he found. I turned. I'd had enough. I had my hand on the door handle when Floyd spoke.

'And there I was thinking that we were going to have a talk. Sort the mess out. You're planning on running away though. I told you what I'd do to you if you left. Leaving me wasn't one of your options. How fucking short is your memory Spencer?'

My hand froze and then dropped to my side. Slowly I turned to face him. 'OK. I'm listening. Tell me what it is you want to tell me and then let me go. I'm not going to kowtow to you Floyd. Not any longer. You don't need me. You've got Sam. Someone who will bend and beg and plead with you all you want. That's not me any more. So get it all off your chest Floyd. Tell me why you want me with you. Tell me what your master plan is because you just seem sad and lost to me. I was only with you before because of the adrenaline rush, oh and you looked good on my arm… but look at you. Who in their right mind would want to be seen with you? But it's not really you who's the problem. It's Sam.' There I've said my mind.

He scratched at his neck and took a few steps forward, coughed into his fist and then looked at me with his head cocked slightly to one side. 'I came back to you.'

Was that it? Was that his answer? I shook my head and turned to leave again.

'If you touch that door handle I'm going to have to get medieval on your arse Spencer. You don't walk out on me. I told you what would happen if you did. What's going on in your head? I've been trying. I've been good to you. As good as I can be. I've tried. I've hardly beaten you much very often recently this week or last week much either so what's the fucking problem with you? Why are you trying to force my hand like you did back at the computer room? What is it you want so much? It's not the sex is it Spencer? Your sick mind needs something else doesn't it? How have you survived for two years without me to provide for you? What have you been doing instead to get that rush? White water rafting? Parachute jumping… base jumping… skiing? Fuck… what is it that gives you that rush?'

I would have loved to have taken a step back but my back was against the door. I let the bag I had in my hand drop to the floor and I looked at Floyd in the eyes. 'You give me that rush.' I told him truthfully. 'You make that knot form in my stomach…'

'OK. So that's sorted out. Now what's your problem with Sam? He just needs help. He needs support from people who love him.'

'Love him?' I asked with a laugh in my voice. 'You want me to love him? Floyd you are bonkers if you think that all the time he's behaving as he is and you are allowing it that I am even going to get close to liking him. He's a monster. A vile selfish monster. Give me a reason to like him.'

'He's not a thief though. He's never taken anything from me.'

The money in my pocket started to feel soiled and heavy. 'I would have returned it.' I pulled the money from my pocket and stepped to the bed and placed it there.

'I know you would have, like you'll replace the cash you took yesterday when you thought I was too far out of it to know; the way you hit Sam when he was unable to defend. And I was called a bully. Fucking hell Spencer! You used to be the person who kept my mind in balance. I could have used you to ensure that I stayed right… but not now. A damned thief and…' He turned to look at Sam. 'I still cant believe you did that. Anyway it's beside the point isn't it? You're not leaving me. Sam's not leaving me. You're going to stay here with me and you're going to fucking well enjoy yourself. What do I have to do to make you realise that you don't have a damned choice? I thought we'd talked about this. I thought we'd gone through the options. Why are you defying me?'

'And why are you picking on me!' Sam added.

Floyd told Sam to get out. He told him to take some money off the bed and go and buy himself something nice to eat. Something he can eat and not worry about. Maybe a lettuce or something. He protested lightly, but it was obvious that Sam was only too glad to get out and be free for a while.

'He'll sell his arse.' Floyd muttered when the door slammed shut. 'Then I'll get a call from the cops. He's ensured that I cant get high but that doesn't much protect you does it?'

I was always under the impression that Floyd didn't own a pair of wings but he was on me so fast that I can only assume he could fly. I was on my back on the bed with Floyd sitting across my hips before I knew what was happening. I think, but I'm not sure that he head-butted me. Everything went painful and dark for a while and when my eyes opened again he was still sitting there across me but he'd used something to tie my hands to the bed somehow. 'I wanted to avoid this.' He groaned at me. 'I wanted you to want me for who I am.' He wriggled a bit across my groin. 'I wanted Sam to think that you did what you were told. I thought it would be a good lesson for him, but you've pissed me off!' His voice rose to a shout as fingers started to unbutton my shirt. 'I thought you'd be a good role model for him as I'm obviously so shit at caring for him – as you pointed out to me. So here we are, back how we always where. My personality upgrade in fucking shatters. You're staying. You're going to fucking well stay with me and you'll never think of leaving me again or I'm going to get so fucking angry with you that I'm going to hang you off the fucking balcony by your balls. Do you understand me Spencer?' I pulled at the bindings as an answer. 'We are going to go to the mountains. We are going to go fishing and cook over campfires. We are going to fucking well enjoy ourselves. And I will do what I want with Sam because he's mine to do with what I damned well want.' This time I nodded slowly.

'I still think that Sam needs help.' I whispered. 'I think he needs to get an education.'

Floyd shook his head this time. 'No he doesn't need a fucking education. What's your education done for you? With or without you'd still be mine, you'd still be tied to this bed, and you'd still be stinking of lust – you dirty lover.'

It was then that it happened. Whatever Floyd had been doing to hold it back all this time was suddenly released in one eye-watering overpowering waft of – well I can only describe it as Floyd's Smell. My nose started to run and I couldn't wipe it. My eyes poured with water and all doubts and anger and feeling of resentment or jealousy or whatever it had been was suddenly gone. I reacted in exactly the way he knew I would. I begged. I pleaded… I wriggled under him. I needed him so badly that I had a horrible feeling that he'd not get my pants down in time! I'd not felt such overwhelming need and sexual… lust for so long that I could see sparks of light bursting in front of my eyes and a foggy grey creeping around the edges of my vision. I was going to pass out! I tried to take deep breaths. I no longer really knew what Floyd was doing but he was sure doing something and I needed to howl and scream at him to stop what it was.

It was going to kill me!

I knew it.

Whatever it was, was just going to be too much for me to cope with.

This…

This is why I stick with Floyd.

I could now feel him pushing me and dragging me into position. His hands seemed to be everywhere at the same time… his mouth was biting and sucking and licking over my chest and biting down hard on my collar bone – (a somewhat magical place which he knew would make me buck and arch my back). He knew my body better than he knew his own; I'm sure of it. I'm also sure that this time the pleasure was mine rather than his. He pulled me back to him so easily that the reason I was going to leave seemed stupid and childish. He untied my hands and rolled me onto my side and lay behind me just holding tight. I was bleeding, in pain, sore, shaking, sweating and finding it hard to draw my breaths. The thumping of my heart – the power and the speed of it… I still wondered if I was going to survive.

I was still laying there feeling safe and maybe even loved when the phone on the nightstand rang. I was for ignoring it but when it cut off after about ten rings it just started right up again.

'If I don't answer it someone will come knocking on the door.' Floyd muttered. 'Fucking hate phones. They're one of the most intrusive things ever invented.' He leaned over me and snatched the phone from the cradle. 'Flanders.' He snapped. He then listened for a while and sighed. 'I'll be there as soon as I can.' He slammed the phone down and flopped back onto the bed. 'Well it seems Hotchner is still in town. Keeping his beady eye out on what we're up to. Sam's been arrested. I need to get down the cop shop. You can stay here or come with me.' He kissed the back of my neck and then slid off the bed. 'Or have a shower and join me later? I need to change my clothes first though. Ten minutes wont hurt Sam. Hurry babes.'

And everything was forgiven.

I'm a fool I know.

You cant base a relationship on one good turn on a bed, but…

I have my reasons.

I know Floyd. I know he's a better person than he'd like to make it look. I know. I can smell him on my skin. I can smell him on the few clothes I have left on. I don't want to wash it off, but he's running the shower now and telling me to get a move on. Sam needs us.

'He needs to see us as one. He needs to see that we are not fighting. A cohesive unit.'

I don't know if he's talking about Sam or Hotch now. I go have my shower and when I come out Floyd had put on his black bootleg cut jeans, a white collarless shirt and a black waistcoat. Did he tell me to worry when he put on his waistcoat? He looks divine.