(Tries to sneak in unnoticed, but fails miserably as the audience boos and throws rotten fruit, stinky shoes, and various other objects) Yeah, yeah, so I haven't been here in... forever... (sighs) and I sorry. But, well, I have a oneshot for ya'll. I'm really not sure what to think of it, so I want you guys to tell me what ya'll think. Good? Bad? Horrible waste of time? I seriously think I'm losing my touch at this whole 'writing' thing, but I was listening to a song (Taken by Plumb, for any who want to go find it on Youtube or something), and I could't get that first line out of my head.
But anywho, enough of my rambling. Go read, and let me know what you think.
There had been a time, once upon a lifetime ago, that I would have put Jake first. That I would have said that I'd wait for him forever, be there for him whenever he needed me.
I would always love him. I knew that. He was my first love. Everyone goes on about how you never forget your first love. And part of my heart would always be with him. I knew I would never get it back – and I didn't want it back. I don't regret loving him.
He had needed me. He needed me for balance, even if he didn't agree. He needed me to keep him grounded. But in the end, I had failed him, in his eyes at least. We'd all failed him – he'd failed himself. But he never failed us. Not even the day... the day when Rachel died. I understood now, even if I still didn't agree.
And I needed him. He was my center. He was my strength. He kept me going, even when I didn't want to fight anymore. I always went back to him.
There had been a time when Jake would have been the only thing that mattered. There had been a time when I'd looked to Jake alone. When seeing him smile was the highlight of my life. When hearing him laugh was the best part of my day.
I could still see him. When I close my eyes, I see his face, how he used to be. I see that mature, adult look in his eyes, but I see the boyishness of his smile, the smile I don't get to see anymore. I hear his laugh – a real, sincere laugh, not something fake to distract people. When he truly thought something was funny. I saw that familiar look in his eyes when he looked at me, the one that said everything that needed to be said.
I tried not to remember the last days of the war. How Jake didn't trust me, how he ignored me. Then I remember that night when he held my in his arms inside the Boa exhibit at the Gardens. I remember how he'd asked me to marry him when it was over.
What would have been different, if I'd said yes? Maybe everything would be different. Or maybe things would be exactly the same.
Maybe he would still be alive.
Because I know he's not. He's dead – I'd felt it. People say they feel it when their love or their spouse is hurt, how they feel a tightness around their heart. I didn't feel a tightness. I felt like I was suffocating. I'd felt my heart completely stop for a moment.
And I knew.
I'm not the stupid, naïve girl everyone thinks I am. I'm not all that much for optimism anymore. I knew when Jake had said goodbye to me that day on the mountain, when he'd told me I couldn't go with him, that I wouldn't see him again. That that would be the last time.
The only thing I regret about this whole thing is that. The fact that I let him go without a fuss. The fact that I stayed her, despite how my heart felt about it – about letting them go off without me, like in the old days. Maybe if I'd insisted on going, maybe they'd all be alive...
Or maybe I'd be dead. Maybe that's what this is all about. Maybe it's the fact that I alone, that I truly am the last Animorph.
It isn't fair. Why should I have special treatment? I was a soldier in a secret war, I risked my life every moment of every day back then. And while I didn't like it, I didn't give up, as much as I wanted to. Rachel had been a warrior, who had died to save her planet, her friends, her love. Jake, Marco, and Tobias had died, trying to rescue Ax – Ax, the Andalite whom I helped to find, whose messages I'd intercepted in my dreams – from the One. I should have helped – I should have been there.
And every time I close my eyes, I see him. I see all of them. Every single one of them. I see Rachel at the mall, I hear her laugh and say "Let's Do It!". I see Marco roll his eyes, and talk about how insane everything is. I see Tobias perched in the rafters of our old barn, hear him complaining about eagles and crows. I see Ax in the cafeteria, stuffing his mouth with a Cinnabon and playing with his words.
I see Jake standing tall, dignified. How he got when he started talking about a mission. I heard him arguing with Marco over superheroes. I could almost feel his lips on mine when he had kissed me.
It wasn't fair. But I'd let him do it. I'd let him do everything. Really, I couldn't stop him. But I should have tried. I should have... should have...
It wasn't fair. If you kill one of us, you kill us all. But if you leave one of us... What happens then?
"All for one, and one for all."
I shouldn't be the last Animorph.