Disclaimer: I own nothing. The Sound of Music and its characters belong to their respective owners.
A/N: I'm sorry it took so long! I hope the chapter does make up for the long wait though.
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"Will you sing it for me?" Gretl asked Maria as the little girl settled back on her bed in the room that she shared with Marta.
"Sing you what?"
"About your favorite things." Marta exclaimed from the other bed, to Maria's great surprise.
Apparently Gretl wasn't the only one who couldn't sleep due to the storm. It was almost ironic how easily she could memorize the children's names yet she couldn't remember anything about them. To prove it all to herself, she began listing all of them in her head. Liesl, Louisa, Brigitta, Marta, Gretl, Friedrich… and… what was the name of the other boy? She suddenly remembered the two little girls were awaiting her response.
"I ah… my favorite things?" She was confused.
"You used to sing it for us. It was your song that you made up when you were feeling unhappy." Marta explained.
Unhappy?Her life had certainly been filled with music, both on and off stage, yet this was intriguing.
"You really don't remember?" Gretl asked in a small voice and Maria's heart sunk.
"Why don't you girls sing it for me?" She offered just as another loud thunder interrupted the peace of the night. Yet neither of the girls seemed particularly bothered by it at this point and Maria realized they were far more preoccupied with her. Gretl's enthusiastic nod proved this idea which was further reaffirmed the moment Marta began singing.
"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens…" Gretl joined in quickly and Maria listened intently. They were, after all, singing about her favorites. "Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens. Brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things…"
That the children were immensely enjoying themselves as they sang to her (and to each other) was obvious. Maria, on the other hand, was feeling that all too familiar despair because once again, memories failed to return.
"Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels, doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles. Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings, these are a few of my favorite things." To her amazement, each and every word echoed the very thing she did truly love. The song was immensely appropriate because everything else that followed was indeed among her favorite things.
"Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes. Silver white winters that melt into springs, these a few of my favorite things."
If she had even the slightest doubt left that these people were indeed her family, it was all gone now. Children were the most honest creatures on earth and they apparently had the sort of knowledge about her that no stranger could possess. She doubted even Ben knew about most of these.
"When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad. I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad." Marta and Gretl giggled madly as soon as they finished the song. That they could have sung this to themselves without her presence was a minor fact, Maria was perceptive enough to realize it was her presence that had to make them feel better. That this all still trigger no memories didn't help the despair she was feeling. Yet a look at their faces warmed her heart. They both looked relaxed and content, not the least bit bothered by the storm raging outside anymore. In fact, they both seemed happy.
The joy that filled her heart upon this conclusion was almost brand new to her. While she loved Felix with all her heart and he had given her the happiest moments of her life, he was still so small with so little knowledge and grasp of the world. Yet this nine and seven year olds had their very own thinking, feelings and experience and for the very first time Maria felt she had truly made someone happy. She knew Ben had been ecstatic when she had accepted his proposal, but her own conflicted feelings and doubts overshadowed the joy of a future matrimony. Yet Gretl and Marta, with their childish innocence, were just happy that she was in their room. But would she let them down, too? She had been so unfair to Ben, thinking and hoping her feelings would sort themselves out. She hadn't been feeling whole without her past no matter how much she tried. So how could she be honest with him, love him and devote herself to him when she didn't even truly know herself? Yet the comfort, stability and support he had given her in these past two and a half years had been her rock and she had selfishly craved it.
"Do you remember now?" Gretl asked with hopeful eyes.
"I'm sorry, darling." She truly was. "I'm trying… I really am." How could she explain this to a little girl when she herself wasn't sure why she couldn't remember? What was wrong with her?
"Why can't you remember us, Mother?" She wasn't sure if it was because she was one or because they were so endearing but being called Mother didn't make her feel uncomfortable now.
"I hit my head in an accident. The doctors told me it was bad." There was no surprise on their faces, Maria knew their father must have explained that part to them. She sighed before offering the only thing she could: honesty. "I do very much want to remember you."
"We'll help you!" Marta exclaimed, not a bit thrown off.
They were sweethearts, there was no doubt about that. The smile that spread across Maria's features lit up her face and she raised a hand to briefly caress the young girl's cheek, even if she wasn't really convinced she would ever remember. "You'll have to be patient with me." She told them for caution, not wanting to crush their hopes. They nodded eagerly. "But not tonight. You need sleep, it's very late now."
"Will you stay until we fall asleep?" Gretl asked while Marta returned to her own bed.
"Only if you will try to fall asleep." Maria warned them and the girls complied without a word. Maria kissed them both goodnight before turning off the lights and getting herself settled at the end of Gretl's bed. Gently humming the song they have just introduced her to, she stayed until the girls were completely out.
Once she had made sure they were fast asleep, she carefully rose from the bed and tiptoed out the door as silently as possible. The moment she spun around to leave, she was met with an unexpected obstacle. She gasped as she bumped into something – or someone, to be precise.
"Captain." She stepped back in surprise, her hand flying to her chest in an unconscious reaction.
This time being addressed as Captain did bother him. Yet he resisted the urge to tell her to call him Georg because she clearly wasn't as comfortable with him. His body reacted to the physical contact they had however brief it was and in an odd way, he finally had his ultimate proof; she was flesh and blood and not just a fragment of his imagination.
Yet it also reminded him how much he longed to take her in his arms and had to force his hands by his sides. The difficulty may have reflected on his face because she looked at him rather confused at first. But to make the situation all the more eerie, he watched as her face softened somewhat before greeting him with a familiar "Hello." He wasn't sure if she was glad to see him or it was the only thing that came to her mind.
Unbeknownst to him, it was the latter. Maria needed rest. After more than two years of living in oblivion and with the unsuccessful struggle to remember her past, it was presented to her out of the blue in a matter of a few hours. She felt overwhelmed and the constant look of recognition on the faces whom she didn't recognize did little to ease her discomfort with the situation.
Although seeing her was far from unwelcome, he hadn't expected to see her by the children's quarters. "Is something the matter?" He finally broke the silence, his brows furrowing. He wasn't sure what kind of a game life was playing with him but of course he did not fail to notice the irony in it all. First night of hers in his house had her in a late night run in – literally – with him, while she happened to be in her robe.
"No." She told him, pulling the robe tighter together. Then she remembered that being out in this particular attire so late into the night, not to mention at the private quarters of his family, required more explanation than that. "Well, not really." She added and he raised his eyebrows. "Gretl showed up at our doorstep, she and Marta had problems falling asleep."
"Yes, the children are afraid of the storm. That's precisely while I'm in the process of checking on them." He nodded knowingly but the mention of 'our doorstep' did not slip by his attention at all. In fact it was enough to make his features harden again in disapproval – disapproval he found hard not to voice. "I apologize, they won't disturb your again."
"Oh they didn't disturb me, Captain." Again, the Captain. It sounded so different on her lips now. Maria had occasionally addressed him so formally even after their engagement and then wedding but had had put a playful twist to it. Now she sounded every bit like a stranger and that was hard to bear after everything they had been through.
"They just needed a little comforting." She continued, the look on his face compelling her to defend the children.
"Their bedtime is to be strictly observed, they should have been long asleep by the time the storm intensified." Was his answer, that he sounded so much like the guarded, strict Captain just like when they had first met hardly registered on his mind. He coped as best as he could, his defence mechanism has reasserted his walls and that, just like it had puzzled her old self, puzzled her now too – even if she had no idea this has happened to her before.
That his words sounded like a scolding wasn't lost on Maria and while she had initially been confused and even uncomfortable by his terms of endearment and one sided familiarity with her, now it was even more unsettling that he appeared so cold to her. "But they're children." She reasoned.
Each time he felt like hugging her in joy just because she was alive, he remembered she was sharing a room with another man. That was the very reason why he was unable to soften. That she needed time to process everything that happened today he understood, but he needed some coping to do, too. "That they are."
"Well they are asleep now." She stated. "But it's much too late now, I should be in bed, too. Good night, Captain."
He nodded." Good night." While every fibre in his being screamed for him to stop her, he couldn't find the right words or feelings he needed to deal with this situation. He needed sleep, he needed to rest and have a fresh start in the morning. There were a thousand thoughts swirling around in his head, none of them helping to ease the tension he was feeling. His eyes never left her retreating form until she disappeared at the end of the hallway.
Yet sleep didn't come easy for him that night. He didn't need to check on Gretl and Marta, even if Maria couldn't remember, he was sure she had taken care of them. With a last look to the direction where his wife had disappeared, the Captain returned to his own room where he would spend considerable time tossing and turning. He had been through many kind of emotions in his life, especially strong ones. Losing Agathe was excruciating and his grief made it much harder on the children, too. Despite having been through it, losing Maria did not feel any less devastating – on the contrary. She had returned to him in many of his dreams but he knew it was just his mind's attempt to escape the pain.
And now it was reality. He was no doctor so her condition was a mystery to him. He did know Maria enough that she would never just come up with something like this, so believing her and believing that she couldn't remember was not an issue, even if it was greatly upsetting. Her appearance had changed, too, and she clearly belonged to the higher class of society. She appeared to be leading the wealthy life he had always wanted to give her – except the singing part. This was something they had had differing opinions on but she had accepted his decision regarding the children. Given how protective he was of her too, however, he had never been fond of the idea of her singing in public either.
That she was beautiful was not even a question, yet running into her in front of Gretl and Marta's bedroom was what made this all feel very real. She had clearly been ready for bed because she did not wear make up anymore and the face that stared back at him was that of his wife's which he remembered. Yet his mind found it hard to comprehend all this.
It seemed like he had gotten her living-breathing body back but with a different person inside. He had never been happier when she had accepted his proposal and abandoned her plan to become a nun. Yet the idea of his wife not even believing in God was just the kind of wild turnaround he never would have imagined of her. That also brought him to his next worry. He had the papers to prove who she was and that they had been married, yet Maria had established a different life under a different identity. Papers aside, a weighing factor should have been that they had been married in front of God but what did that matter now to a woman who evidently wasn't following that path anymore. Just the idea of her sharing her room and bed with a man she wasn't married to would have scandalized her old self. While the latter part of this thought was reassuring, the fact that she was with another man had his blood boiling. While the insistent, passionate part of him wanted to simply drag her out of there, his sole reason for not doing so was his respect for her. She was comfortable with Herr Reinard, so he certainly couldn't just force her into bed with her husband whom she didn't even recognize.
So much had happened in a mere few hours that the Captain was torn between disbelief and anger. His mind needed to process everything that had taken place, yet the only thing he could think of was that Maria was alive and in his home. And of course there was their son. His third son, eighth child… and the first one with Maria. He obviously wasn't a first time father but it still touched him as deeply as each of his children's birth had. Felix was the fruit of their love and he was a wonderful one of that, too. That both of them had lived so long without the knowledge of his existence felt like a stab in the heart. He wasn't sure if life had given him another chance or simply decided to dangle what he couldn't have in front of his nose. After long hours of thinking and trying to make sense of it all, the Captain had come to the conclusion that the only approach he could have now was to think of Maria as a stranger, someone he needed to get to know all over again. He knew every curve of her body, the taste of her lips and skin, he hard learned to read the expressions on her face but he had no idea who she was. Memories of the bliss of their honeymoon were the last thoughts on his mind as he finally drifted off to sleep.
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The early rays of sunshine fell softly on Maria's face. Her eyes slowly fluttered open and she took a deep breath, stretching a little as she turned to her back. She had spent the entire night on her side, turned away from Ben. As soon as the room came into view, she had remembered the reason, too. A glance at his face told her he was still deeply asleep so she carefully slid out of bed. She took a few steps to check on his son and from the looks of it, Felix was still completely out. Not wanting to wake him, she resisted the urge to kiss him and tiptoed to the window instead. Going back to sleep wasn't an appealing idea, she had hoped she would have a clearer head by the morning and while she felt rested, she was none the wiser as to how she should face the people she had met the day before. Her family.
Rubbing her temples, her fingertips brushed the remains of the gash that her hair carefully hid. Pressing her lips together in annoyance, she hated the constant reminder. Vanity wasn't the reason why she had let her hair grow. She had been fond of her own short do, so much so that while it was now long enough to hide her scar, she wore it in a tight bun to retain some of her old appearance. It became suitable as soon as she had found success on stage, having good, sophisticated looks while performing was apparently a rule and a great advantage. None of that really mattered to her, what was important to her, however, was that now people didn't ask her the question she hated to hear and avoid. "Oh dear, what happened to you?" The scar, which had left its deep impression both emotionally and physically, felt like a mark. She felt marked as the woman who couldn't remember her past, hence feeling like an outsider. The more she could hide it, the more she could blend in without having to answer those bold and intruding questions.
Her gaze settled on the beautiful sight that their window presented. Already in the early morning the sky was so blue and everything was so green… so beckoning. She had longed for the mountains in the past years, she remembered her stay back in Switzerland and how comforting they had been to her in her state of distress. A glance at the clock showed there was still plenty of time before Felix was supposed to awaken and with Ben around, he was in safe hands. An idea hit her and the more she stared at the hills, the more intense it became. A mere fifteen minutes later she was dressed and out the door as quietly as possible.
The fresh air filled Maria's lungs as she walked and she breathed deeply. Everything was so fragrant, so alluring, she just wanted to be a part of it. She had followed the path leading out from the Lodge's garden straight to the mountains and since they were close, it was a short walk. Not being familiar with the area she didn't wander too far but the heights she reached made her feel home. She only stopped walking when she was in the middle of a small but beautiful meadow, surrounded by nothing but green grass, trees and the gorgeous blue sky. Turning back, she could see the Lodge lower in the distance and an odd sense of out-of-reach familiarity filled he heart.
It was strangely comforting. She felt the kind of privacy she had been longing for, just to clear her head and forget about her worries and the pressing despair of failing to remember her own life. She could feel the warm breeze caressing her cheek and playing with the soft material of her summer dress. This was so perfect. Unable to resist, she ran higher, enjoying the sound of the birds and the peace that seemed to cover everything. She stumbled and laughed, not caring the least if her clothes got dirty. This was so liberating, she felt so free.
"The hills are alive…" She shouted, feeling weightless and so care-free, just like a child. No lack of memories, no guilty conscience about Ben, no nerves about how to deal with her family plagued her at the moment. It was just Maria and the hills.
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The Captain was an early bird but the late night he had had due to his conflicting emotions had him sleep a little longer this morning. Turning to his side and rubbing his eyes, he was dismayed when he caught sight of the clock. It wasn't terribly late but he was at least 40 minutes behind his own schedule. With a grumble, he threw the covers off and got ready for the day. It didn't take him long to remember everything that had happened the previous night and despite all anger and disapproval he was feeling, despite the conclusions he had come to, he couldn't deny he was eager to see Maria and Felix.
The staff was already up and about by the time he made it downstairs but when he had asked if any of the guests had left their rooms yet, he didn't get the answer he was hoping for. They saw no one, which included Maria, so he had to conclude she was still upstairs. The decision he had made the previous night still seemed plausible, this woman was a stranger to him so he needed to take this easy, he needed to get to know her. It only seemed difficult because he had to let go of the expectations he had of the woman he knew in order to accept the new one. Her mannerism and expressions were still very much hers but he was profoundly stunned still that his wife did not believe in God, among others. Maybe if he told her more about her past in details, she would find some of herself.
A voice caught his attention as he stood by the window of the lounge and when he turned around, he spotted the very man he wasn't too happy to see. Ben Reinard. His interest immediately peaked when he noticed him talking to a maid with Felix in his arms but there was not a sign of Maria. The Captain approached him, remembering he was a guest in his Lodge after all.
"Good morning."
"Captain." Ben turned to him, surprised. "Good Morning." The look on the ex-captain's face wasn't lost on Ben. Apparently his assessment that the great hero wasn't particularly fond of him had been right yesterday and the older man hadn't even said or done anything to him aside from a polite greeting. Captain von Trapp was also looking at him expectantly and his gaze was far more stricter than what he had gotten used to. Not since he was a child, staring up at his own father, had anyone managed to unsettle him like the Captain was right now. He cleared his throat. "Have you, by any chance, seen Maria this morning?"
The Captain resisted to voice the comment that he wouldn't tell him even if he had known. But alas, he was none the wiser. "I'm afraid I haven't." The question did little to ease his edginess however. Where was Maria? She surely did not disappear again, did she? He had just gotten her back.
"Oh." Was Ben's awkward answer.
"I wouldn't be surprised if she were getting herself acquainted with the hills as we speak. She may just be out on a walk."
"On a walk? She doesn't do that." Ben told him with a slight frown, which in turn made the Captain frown. Maria loved nature and being outside. The picnics, outings with the children, the hills, it was what always re-energized her. Then he remembered it was his Maria and apparently not the current one.
An awkward silence settled again and Ben was close to squirming until he noticed that the Captain's attention wasn't on him anymore but on the little boy in his arms. His son. It was the very first time Ben felt the weight of the situation. Maria and Felix were an important part of his life but just one look between the toddler and Captain von Trapp made it impossible to ignore the connection. "He's been most happy since you fixed his toy." Ben smiled. "Would you like to hold him?"
The Captain's eyebrows rose in surprise and while that was precisely what he wanted to do, he couldn't help feeling bothered by the question itself. It was his son they were talking about! Rational thinking did manage to creep its way back to his mind for the moment and he acknowledged what Herr Reinard was trying to do. Instead of snapping or giving him another one of his killer gazes, he nodded and simply took the boy from him.
"So you like the boat?" He asked Felix who seemed very much preoccupied with his toy. The boy's answer was to hold it up high and out to the Captain's eyes and Georg chuckled. "We have a fountain outside, how about we try how it floats?"
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Maria winced slightly in discomfort as she hastily made her way back to the Lodge. She wasn't sure how much time she had spent up on the meadow but it had to be quite a while before she realized Felix would wake up soon. The mad dash she made back had left her quite breathless so she stopped once she reached the garden to regain normal respiration. A loud and frustrated call caught her attention.
"You'll pay for this, Kurt!" Brigitta shouted vehemently from the bottom of the stairs, pointing an angry finger up to the window upstairs where the mischievous boy only giggled in response.
"Kurt! That's the one I left out." Maria exclaimed to herself. When the young boy retreated, Maria watched Brigitta sigh sadly, looking all lost.
Breathing normally now, Maria straightened and approached her. "Hello. Is there something wrong?" She asked while hopping down on the stairs right beside Brigitta and lifting her skirt enough to observe what had given her the discomfort.
Brigitta's head first snapped to the side in surprise before her face lit up. "Mother." Ever the observant, her eyes followed every one of Maria's movements and then didn't fail to point out the obvious. "Your dress is all dirty."
Maria beamed before a sheepish expression spread across her face. "And I scraped my knee." That earned another smile from Brigitta. This was her mother indeed, the girl thought.
"So what had you declare war on Kurt?" She asked curiously, blowing some air gently on her injury.
"My book." Brigitta said and then pointed upwards. Maria followed her gaze and her eyes went wide upon the sight. Said book was resting close to the top branches of the tree that stood right in front of the terrace.
"How in the world did he put it up there?" Maria was in awe. Brigitta's answer was to turn her gaze to the open window where Kurt had previous disappeared.
"He threw it out the window. It's my favourite book." Maria's eyes returned to Brigitta and noted how very sad the girl looked. Looking up at the book once again, an idea hit her.
"Well, since I'm already dirty as it is… I'll get it for you." Maria announced and stood swiftly. Her idea to climb that tree felt unusual but nothing she felt she was incapable of. Yet instead of the surprise or confusion she had expected from the girl, Brigitta only smiled as if Maria did that on a daily basis. Did she? She certainly hadn't been climbing trees in New York and when she thought of everything she had been told about her past, she didn't find it plausible that she was doing so as a postulant. Giving Brigitta a look that conveyed a mixture of suspicion and confusion, she moved.
Nevertheless, determined to get that book for Brigitta, she approached the tree and hoisted herself up. Brigitta took a few steps backwards to a have a better view and to navigate her mother to the right direction if necessary. It went easier than Maria had anticipated and while she knew many people would be outraged upon the sight of what she was doing, she didn't have the slightest care at the moment. She was away from New York, away from the people who had expectations of her and away from the higher class of society that she so avidly guarded her innermost feelings from.
"How far am I?" She called out to Brigitta and held on tightly.
"Not far. Only a few more branches and you're there." The girl responded and watched as Maria climbed even higher.
The Captain with Felix in his arms – and accompanied by Ben – stepped out to the terrace just as Brigitta called out yet another instruction.
"It's on your right!" She called out.
"Brigitta, stop shouting at once. You'll wake the guests." The Captain came to a stop at the top of the stairs. The noise seven children usually made was one thing, but shouting in the middle of the garden was hardly the peaceful environment the Lodge had advertised.
"I'm sorry, Father."
"Brigitta, I still can't see it!" Maria's equally loud shouting interrupted and Brigitta watched as the two adults raised their heads. Spotting Maria on the tree produced expressions that Brigitta found most interesting. While Herr Reinhard (she believed was his name), looked shocked, her father's surprise quickly turned into a knowing look.
"She's getting my book." Brigitta explained.
"Oh dear god…" Ben was dismayed.
To Be Continued…