Chapter 10 - Cause and Effect
Haruka shut himself that night, not that it mattered. Makoto didn't follow.
He paced lazily around the wooden floors, like a ghost haunting his own home. He felt like his mind should be racing, but all that took hold of him was a tired guilt and absolute silence. He stopped in front of his grandmother's photo, lips pressed resolutely together.
He could hear her soft voice chiding him, she'd probably say something like, "Now Haruka, that wasn't very nice. Makoto put a lot of thought into that gift, why in the world did you not accept it?" and she would smile gently, take Haru's hands in her own.
Haruka's lip wobbled. He bit down on it, sniffing, and spoke to a grandmother he didn't truly believe could hear him.
"Valentine's Day is for romance." Haruka whispered, a tear teetering on his eyelashes for what felt like eternity. He stilled his breath, waiting patiently for the tear to fall and didn't speak until it was safely dripping along his jaw. "It's for girls to give gifts to boys and then they get married and have kids and-a-and-!" Haruka's hands stayed lifeless at his sides. There was something comforting about the cool wetness of his tears, something healing to just let them fall as they may.
His knees shook as he slowly lowered himself to the ground, hugging his legs to his chest.
Makoto deserved better than Haruka. He deserved someone who could give him everything he needed. He deserved someone who could love him, wholly and truly. Haruka, regardless of the burning ache in his chest, could not ever be that person. His heart didn't work like that.
"I don't want to lead Makoto on." Haruka said, heart pounding but voice even, eyes empty.
"What do you want?"
Haruka's lips parted. He hadn't ever assigned words to his desires. What did he want?
"I…don't want Makoto to leave."
"I asked what you do want, not what you don't want."
Haruka held Makoto's promise to stay by his side very seriously, but couldn't help feeling that Makoto probably didn't understand the significance of his words. Makoto was just being nice. Maybe, it was time Haruka made it clear.
Haruka pressed his shirt to face, mopping up his tears. His breath still caught on his teeth and stuck in his throat, but he was calming down.
"I want Makoto to stay, but only…if it makes him happy."
Haruka didn't need the ghost of his grandmother's advice to know that was something Makoto needed to hear.