Iris makes her decision about the pregnancy.
Chapter 10: Final Gifts
Iris sat in her car in shaking, sick to her stomach unable to move. It was only 11:30 am, she couldn't sit in her apartment for the next hour-and-a-half waiting for her mother, without thinking. Thinking about how she wasn't ready to be pregnant, how she didn't want a family without Barry, how she didn't have a job or medical insurance, but this was her only chance to have any family with Barry.
She needed-
With trembling hands, she picked up her phone and called, Linda: voicemail, Wally: voicemail, her dad was at a crime scene. Why had she told Linda to go to work?
She threw the phone into the passenger seat next to the ultrasound.
"Alright, you can just go for a walk or something."
Her phone rang then, Malcolm Thawne's name flashing on her screen.
"Malcolm!" Relief flooded her at the sound of his friendly voice.
"Hey, are you ok?"
"No!" Iris said in a husky whisper.
"What's going on? I can come over. In fact, I'm on my way right now."
"No, you don't have to-"
"-Too late I'm on my way. The good thing about working for yourself is that you can take off whenever you want."
"Ok."
"Where are you?"
"Sitting in my car in front of my apartment."
"Are you gonna go inside?"
"No."
"Well, I'm about twenty minutes away from you so sit tight."
"I will. Can you stay on the phone with me?"
"Sure, sure. I'm in the car now ok. I'm putting you on speaker."
"Can you- can you tell me about what's going on with you? How are things at Thawne Tech?"
Malcolm was the owner of a tech company startup. Nothing sold directly to the public, but batteries for phones, laptops, and other portable devices every device using them cast a soft blue-tinged light.
Iris listened to Malcolm talk about his newest product, a new battery that would hold up to 20 hours of power for portable devices. Focusing on the tech talk and how he planned to market it, was a sufficient distraction. Iris kept her attention on Malcolm, asking questions to keep her thoughts away from the crumpled ultrasound resting in the passenger seat beside her until he was taping on her car window.
Feeling still more relieved Iris stepped out of her car and her breath caught. She hadn't been thinking about how much he looked like Barry when he'd insisted he'd come to her. Now she stared at him seeing the similarities. The same long slim build, dark hair, nearly identical peaks in their brows, she swallowed hands flexing at her wasn't smart.
"Iris," He looked her eyes full of concern a frown so like Barry's on his face. And then he did that thing that Barry did he reached out her cupping her face. "Are you ok?"
Without thinking she threw herself into his arms.
She'd been working at Jitters for about a week when Malcolm Thawne walked in. For a confused moment, she'd thought he was Barry and nearly hugged him in greeting as she always did with her best friend.
"I wish I was this Barry, with a beautiful woman like you for a girlfriend."
Barry had only recently broken up with Patty at that point and in spite of their agreement to get together after college if their feeling remained the same neither had brought it up since she'd changed majors. When Malcolm had asked her she had said yes.
She'd liked him; they'd even gone out on a few dates until Linda had forced her to admit that her interest in Malcolm was due almost entirely to his strong resemblance to Barry and her fear that Barry no longer had the same feelings for her.
Now sitting across from him at a little french cafe, outside enjoying a mild August afternoon. She focused on the differences between the two men, Malcolm's brown eyes, the cleft in his chin the width and length of his nose.
"How are you holding up?"
"I've been better."
"You thinking about going back to work?" Malcolm took a bite of his sandwich.
"I don't know. I have to eventually, but I'm just not motivated."
"I lost a good friend of mine a few years back, it's not the same of course he added hurriedly, but it takes something out of you."
"Yeah, it does." She said softly.
"If you don't need the money I don't see why you should go back to work right away. You had a whole life planned, and now that plan is it's gone, you need to time to regroup." He took a sip of his coffee.
"Yeah, but long unemployment gaps don't look good on resumes." Iris sipped her tea and broke off a piece of her croissant.
Malcolm waved a dismissing hand.
"If you ever need to you can always come work at Thawne Tech. I'll make sure you have everything you need."
"Thanks, Malcolm." Iris smiled just a bit then comforted by that offer and Malcolm smiled back eyes disappearing into crescents and crinkling at the corners. Her heart lurched, he looked so much like Barry at that moment.
He leaned forward then, covering her hand with his, voice warm and soft.
"Do you want to talk about what had you so upset when I called earlier?"
"I'm pregnant." The words came out before she could stop them and Iris felt her eyes widen. She hadn't meant to tell him to just blurt that out, but he'd looked so much like Barry at that moment.
"Oh."
He leaned back, withdrawing his hand from hers.
"I'm sorry Malcolm I didn't mean-"
She didn't see the subtle tightening of his jaw, hands clenching into fist under the table.
"Um-" His phone rang just then.
"Malcolm?"
"I think I'd better take this. Excuse me, Iris." He got up and left the table, and Iris sat back annoyed with herself.
She didn't know what she was going to do, but telling Malcolm had not been part of the plan. She nibbled her croissant the tender, flaky pastry practically melting in her mouth it was so soft. Iris munched her croissant it seemed to be just what she needed for she devoured it in seconds and was thinking of getting another, even a box to go when Malcolm came striding back to the table brisk and businesslike still on the phone.
"I have to go. I can take you back to your car, but I need to leave now."
"Is there time for me to get a dozen of these croissants from up front?"
He considered a moment.
"Of course." He said with a smile and Iris forced herself to look away from him.
Iris got her croissants while Malcolm settled the bill. He hurried her to his car still on the phone. Unable to help herself she listened. A battery had exploded in a laptop; someone had been hurt. There were concerns over whether or not Thawne Tech would be liable if the battery were faulty if there had been negligence. The call ended just before he pulled into the parking spot behind her car.
"That doesn't sound good."
"No," he didn't look at her and Iris frowned. He hadn't looked at her once since returning to the table.
"Malcolm-"
"I really need to take care of this," he said finally looking at her. "I'm sorry Iris. I'm a jerk. This thing with this battery is an emergency."
He gave her hand a squeeze, got out of the car then and went around to her side to open the door and helped her out.
They stood a moment on the tree-lined street in front of her apartment building.
"Thanks, Malcolm for coming and spending sometime with me."
His face softened then.
"Of course Iris we're friends. I'll call you sometime this evening. I know you've got a lot on your mind."
He gave her a quick hug and stood outside his car, waiting until she was the vestibule of her apartment building before getting in and taking off. Confused Iris headed upstairs. It was almost one o'clock her mother would be here any minute.
"I brought you some lunch, a nice big salad, and some Boston Market, nice and bland since the buffalo wings were too much for you."
"Thanks, mom."
Iris took the salad recalling Caitlin's admonish to eat more leafy greens. She'd only eaten one croissant at the restaurant.
They ate lunch and Iris half listened while Francine talked about this psychiatrist conference she was attending next month and then her volunteer work before finally sharing some juicy celebrity gossip. Boston Market was bland, but she ate it and liked it, especially since it didn't turn her stomach unlike the scent of the buffalo wings Francine had brought over yesterday. She wondered suddenly if the rest of her favorite spicy foods would cause the same reaction she didn't want to go seven months without her favorite coconut curry, or seafood from Marvalla's. When they'd done eating Francine collected the take-out containers and threw them away wiping down the table before sitting back down.
Iris got up and moved to the couch and Francine joined her.
"Sorry I couldn't come by earlier."
"That's ok Malcolm kept me company."
"Oh," Francine sniffed.
Iris rolled her eyes her parents had never cared for Malcolm.
"Are you gonna tell me what's going on?"
Iris felt her shoulders working themselves up higher and forced them back down.
"Somethings happened," she said looking away. "I'm not sure what do."
"Well honey whatever's happened you can talk to me about it."
Francine stroked her arm and Iris took a deep breath.
"I know. I should probably just spit it out."
Francine looked at her expectantly.
"I'm pregnant, two and a half months, twins."
"Oh, and you're not happy." The older woman sighed.
"How could I be? Their father is- is gone. I don't have a job or health insurance, twins are expensive, and I'm so unhappy, mom." She shook her head. "I don't think I can do this." The last came out in a whine. "What am I gonna do?"
"Oh, sweetheart come here."
Francine put an arm around her shoulder and Iris needing her mother's closeness more than anything right now rested her head in her mother's lap.
"I love him so much, mom."
"I know. I remember when you brought him home, lil' skinny white boy with big eyes. He turned beet red whenever you smiled at him."
Iris smiled perhaps her first genuine smile in weeks.
"He grew into such a man, mom."
"And he loved you with all his heart," Francine said those words with a soft voice.
"It wasn't supposed to be like this." Iris' voice was soft. "I don't- I don't want to do this without him."
"Well you know you don't have to, we can call Planned Parenthood."
Iris stared at the wood grain of the coffee table. Francine had given voice to the thought in her head: she didn't have to.
"But this is my only chance to have even a part of the family we wanted." The last thing that Barry would ever give her.
"Well, now it's a conundrum."
Iris rolled her eyes.
"You know what I haven't heard from you about this Iris is what you want."
"Is this therapy mom I'm getting now?"
Francine chuckled. "Maybe a little your mom-mom is biased."
"Is she?" Iris sat up.
"Yes cause she would be delighted to have a grandbaby. Little hands and little feet and they smell so sweet, but therapy-mom just wants you to be happy so you'd better have therapy mom."
"But you'd be delighted?"
"Of course and so would your father. You could move into the condo with me or move in with your dad at the house. You've got a family that would be so happy to help and Henry," Francine's smile broadened. "You'd restore his faith in goodness."
Iris didn't quite know what to say to that.
"But Iris honey it's not about what the rest of us want or even what other people think is right or wrong. It's about what you want. It's about what would make you happy. What do you want sweetheart? Do you want to have these babies?"
Fear flooded her at the thought.
"I'm scared."
"And when has that ever been a good reason not to do anything? You were scared to live a summer abroad, but you liked it so much you stayed a year. You were scared to transfer to Columbia, but you did that too. You were scared to tell Barry how you felt about him remember?"
She nodded.
"But mom I don't have money or a job."
"Don't even worry about that sweetheart. I'm making plenty of money from my practice. Of all the things you have to worry about don't even let money be a factor. I got you."
"Caitlin thinks I should keep them."
"You and Caitlin are friends now?"
"I was wrong."
Francine nodded.
"Ok. Her fiance died in the accident."
"Oh, poor thing. Helping Barry must have meant a lot to her."
"Yeah," Iris said thoughtfully. "Well she said that she wouldn't have wanted to be pregnant right after Ronnie passed, but that it would hurt less over time and that I would be happy about them, but mom, don't some people stay stuck in their grief for like decades."
"In my experience, those people have nothing else in their lives to make them happy. There is usually something else besides their loss contributing to their grief some other trauma, they have no idea how to deal with their grief, and they become stuck, They get used to being stuck, and they stop letting other things reach out to them to make them happy. But that is so rare sweetheart. There is a part of you right now that feels like it might somehow be a betrayal of Barry's memory, but this will hurt less over time, and you will be happy."
"You don't think there is some love that is special?"
"All love is special. There was something unique in what you had with Barry the way he was a part of your life for so long from such a young age, the way our families integrated, but you can come to grips with this and you will."
Iris settled her head back into her mother's lap, not at all sure she believed her.
Iris told herself that she didn't know what she was going to do, but somehow she got out of bed the next morning, showered, munched a few crackers for nausea and ate a light breakfast of strawberries and yogurt. She dressed in a pair of black leggings and loose fitting black tunic, a big hat and aviator glasses and hoped that the rest of the world would get the message to leave her alone.
She still felt terribly savage with strangers in public, and it wasn't their fault she was miserable.
She told herself she hadn't yet made her decision, but she still went to the pharmacy and to drop off the prescription Caitlin had written. She went to the grocery store and bought calcium and iron-rich veggies and foods, nuts and seeds for their oils.
A craving for brownies struck her, and she headed to the baking aisle she'd need chocolate. After that, she grabbed ice cream, because why not. At the deli, she caught a whiff of meatloaf and had to have it. She decided right then and there to have mashed potatoes with gravy and maybe some kale. And she didn't want to cook all of this for just herself and Linda.
A text to her mom, dad, Henry, Linda, and Wally assured a family get together at the house and then a second text to invite Cisco and Caitlin; they should be there too. She asked Henry to help her cook since he didn't work. She didn't want to cook at the house by herself. She and Barry had cooked so many meals there together.
With her shopping done Iris headed back to her apartment where she made toast and a cup of coffee for an afternoon snack. She'd have to stop drinking coffee of course, but you didn't do that cold turkey she'd tried once after college, and the headache had nearly killed her. She studied the sonogram while she ate, blobs in jelly, creepy little alien blobs in jelly. In seventh months they could be two brand new human beings. Her and Barry's children. It was time for her to go and see him.
A/N- Alright friends only two more chapters left in part one of All That Remains.