Summary: Five years have passed since Edward left Bella in the woods. Both Bella and the Cullens' have experienced great tragedy since they last saw each other, but what happens when they meet again, and what is the meaning of the prophecy? Bella OOC. BxJas
Warning: Rated M for a reason. Violence, language, graphic drug use, suicidal themes, and eventual lemons.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters. Stephanie Meyers owns all rights.
A/N: A huge thank you to jdcoke for your help editing my story. You're the greatest!
Warning: This chapter deals with pregnancy/infant loss.
Chapter 10 – Hope Lost
"Bella!" Esme cried. She was at the car door almost instantly. She was fussing over me just like a stereotypical mother, though in physical age I was almost the same age as Carlisle, and only three years younger than Esme. "Oh, Bella! I'm so glad that you are alright. You've had us so worried," she cried. She helped me out of the car held my hand as we went into the house. I could see her struggling to not just pick me up and bring me inside herself. I was glad that I was allowed to keep a little dignity.
"I'm fine, Esme. Thank you for your concern though," I said with a true smile.
"I'll whip up some breakfast for you and then you should get some rest," she said, leading me into the kitchen. I sat down at the breakfast bar and watched as Esme chopped up vegetables and proceeded to make me a mouthwatering omelet. I ate quickly while Esme worked on chopping more vegetables for a homemade vegetable soup she was making for me. We were able to eat in relative silence, but it was a comfortable silence.
"Now, Bella, why don't you go up to your room and get some rest," Esme suggested.
"Actually, Esme, I'm still a little keyed up. I know you guys want an explanation as to what happened, so why don't we get the interrogation over with," I said with a small laugh.
She looked at me sheepishly and nodded. "We would like to hear what happened."
We walked back out to the living room to find the rest of the family already there. Carlisle, as head of the family, took the lead. "Bella, can you tell us why he was trying to kill you?"
"We dated for about a year. He was abusive and one night he went too far. The neighbors heard my screams and called the police. I was unconscious when they arrived and I woke up in the ambulance just as it arrived at the hospital. They told me that the police had taken Dave in for attempted murder and assault and battery. He made bail after a couple days and they kept postponing the trial, so it was an entire year before he was held accountable for his crimes. They dropped the attempted murder charge but he ended up getting sentenced to six months for assault. After so much time had passed, well, they seemed more interested in getting through the case quickly, than making sure I got justice. He got out of prison about three months ago. I have a current restraining order against him, but there wasn't much more to be done about him. I knew that he would eventually come back for me."
"The last time he almost killed you…was that before or after your bite from the werewolf?" Carlisle asked.
"About two weeks before. It wasn't obvious to me at the time, but after the bite, the remainder of my injuries from Dave's beating healed quickly and completely. I never went in for my post-op appointments so the doctors didn't notice the advanced healing either." I paused for a moment. "I was probably too high to notice the change at that point."
Carlisle spoke up then, "Post-op?"
"I had internal bleeding and they had to operate," I explained. I warred with myself. I wanted to tell them more details, but I couldn't seem to form the words. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at things, Carlisle asked the question I wanted to avoid.
"What type of internal bleeding did they repair?" he asked, wondering about the medical aspects, as you would expect from a doctor.
"My spleen was removed and I had to have a hysterectomy," I said with as little emotion as possible. I forced my emotions away and focused on the numbness. I was developing a pretty good poker face.
"I'm sorry, Bella," Rosalie said so quietly I barely heard her. I simply nodded at her.
"Let's go back to the prophesy," Carlisle said, obviously sensing my desire to redirect the conversation. "You said before that you can't die. I didn't realize how literally you meant that," Carlisle said.
Emmett spoke up, "When you told me the other day about not being able to die, I just thought you were exaggerating…or something…"
"Or crazy," I interjected with a wry smile.
"I didn't say that," Emmett quickly said, slightly panicked. I just laughed at him.
"It's okay, Emmett. When this first happened, I thought I'd finally cracked. I was sure I was hallucinating or something. I still wonder sometimes."
"Bella, do you mind me telling the others how you discovered that you were…different?" Carlisle asked. I shook my head and he proceeded to explain how I'd been hit by a car.
"Tire tracks on your face?" Rose asked, incredulously.
"Yup. It was rainy part of that night too, so I had a perfect, partially dry muddy tire track across my face. I'd been out for a while, I don't know how long, and I woke up in pain. I was renting a studio apartment over a garage just a couple blocks away from the alley. I stumbled home, took some pain meds, made a splint for my broken arm and then passed out. I was actually high enough that I was able to reset it myself before splinting it. Later, I thought that was part of my curse, the lack of pain, but I learned the hard way that it was just the drugs that kept me pain-free." I shuddered at the memories. "I slept for close to twelve hours and when I woke up, I was sore, but my body was healing. I knew the night I was hit, that my ankle was broken. I knew I'd had a couple broken ribs and I'd lost a lot of blood. My arm had an open fracture…but when I woke up…the bones were healing. I hurt all over by then, because the drugs had worn off, but I was healing at an inhuman pace."
"Do you mind me sharing your experiments afterward?" Carlisle asked, ever the politically correct one.
"Go ahead," I said, the dread evident in my voice.
"Bella explained earlier that after she realized that she was healing from fatal injuries, she attempted to end her life a total of seven times," Carlisle explained in his doctor voice.
Esme let out a sob and Rose and Emmett hissed in shock. Jasper was not surprised, since he had most likely overheard me talking to Carlisle about it, but he still looked like he was in pain.
"How?" Emmett choked out.
"I tried carbon monoxide poisoning. I sat with my car running inside a garage for hours until the car finally ran out of gas. I went back to Forks for a couple days and I jumped off the cliffs in La Push and into the ocean during a storm. I woke up the next day, washed up on a secluded beach. I intentionally overdosed on three separate occasions, I jumped off another cliff, that time without any water below, and the final time, I slit my wrists," I said quickly and quietly. The tension was thick in the air.
"You've mentioned that you aren't as clumsy as you used to be. Did that happen at the same time?" Carlisle asked.
"No. I outgrew most of my clumsiness before the…change. It might have gotten better then too. I'm not sure. About a year ago, I started running, yoga and kickboxing, and I think that made a difference too," I said. "I guess I'm not sure," I repeated after thinking about it for a minute.
"Since the change, have you noticed any other differences?" he asked.
I shook my head. "No. No extra strength, no extra beauty, no extra abilities."
"I would like to make some calls to see if anyone has heard of something like this. Would that be agreeable?" Carlisle asked.
"That's fine, Carlisle, though I would rather you not give my name," I said.
"Of course, Bella," Carlisle agreed.
"Bella, would you like to rest now?" Esme suggested. I nodded my head, grateful for the prospect of some time alone after the eventful morning.
My nightmares did not appear as I thought they would after what had happened, though my dreams were not really good ones either. I replayed the conversation with Garrett in my dreams, except that in the dream version, he encouraged me to talk to Esme about that night. The night I lost all remaining hope. In my dream, I told her all about it and she comforted me. She understood. She grieved with me.
I woke up later determined. I had told myself that I was going to try to trust them and I was going to do just that. I was going to take a leap of faith. I was going to trust.
I groaned with the aches and pains of being beaten as I got out of bed, but I could feel that I was healing quickly. A long hot shower helped quite a bit with both my body and my frame of mind.
I went downstairs to the smell of homemade vegetable soup. By the time I finished my bowl of soup, I finally worked up the courage. "Esme, would you like to go for a walk?" I asked.
Her face lit up with a smile. "Oh, I would love to, Bella."
"Let me put on my tennis shoes and then we can go," I said, then I raised my voice just slightly. "Rose would you like to join us?"
"Of course, Bella," I heard her yell from upstairs. A few minutes later we were outside trying to decide where to go.
"I know just the place. Bella, if you wouldn't mind me carrying you, there is a nice hiking trail not too far from here and it would provide us with some privacy," Esme suggested. I laughed and climbed onto her back. I loved running at vampire speed. It was an awesome adrenaline rush.
When we got to the trail, we started walking at an average human speed. Rose was holding one hand and Esme the other. My heart was beating painfully in my chest.
"How are you dealing with everything, Bella? Even though it was self defense, it would still be understandable to be upset," Esme said.
I laughed cynically. "I'm only upset that he didn't suffer more."
"It was that bad?" Esme asked. I just nodded.
"Esme, would you tell me about your son?" I asked. She looked a little confused at the apparent subject change.
"Oh, David was a beautiful little baby. He was sick when he was born. Carlisle said it sounded like it may have been a heart defect. He was sick and in pain. He only lived a couple days. I was just devastated," Esme said quietly.
We were silent for a long time, with tears already flowing down my cheeks, before I spoke. "I was five months pregnant when Dave last tried to kill me. He was abusive before I found out I was pregnant but he seemed like a new man when we found out we were expecting. He was so excited but it took me longer for that excitement to kick in. I had never wanted children. I knew that I should have gotten out of the relationship with him when I found out that I was pregnant, but I was desperate for someone to want me, to love me. While I was pregnant, he turned a new leaf. He stopped hitting me and he stopped using drugs, and didn't drink as much. I started getting excited too. I was picturing our future and it was a happy one. I was trapped by my dreams. I finally had another chance to be happy and have a family so I ignored the obvious. I was just ignoring who he was and what he used to do.
"Then one night he got really drunk and high. He was having bad hallucinations. I didn't know what to do. Pretty soon, he was accusing me of calling him names and yelling awful things at him. I tried to reason with him, to explain that I wasn't doing or saying anything, but try telling that to someone that's delusional. He just said that he knew I was thinking it, which was even worse.
"That really struck a chord with me, you know, reminding me of Edward, and then the pain hit me; that empty feeling I always had, knowing that everyone I loved left or was dead. I started arguing back and he started hitting and kicking me. I fought back that time, which just made it worse, but I wasn't going to just lie down and take it anymore. Not when a child was involved. I couldn't get away and he just kept going. Soon I heard the sirens, but even then he didn't stop.
"When we got to the hospital, they did an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. He killed our daughter. I still had to deliver her. They gave me drugs to induce my labor and a couple hours later she was stillborn." I paused for a moment.
"I was able to hold her afterward. She was tiny, not quite a pound and a half, but she was beautiful," I said with a small smile. "They let me hold her for a while before bringing me into surgery. They couldn't stop my bleeding after and finally they had to do a hysterectomy. It actually turned out to be a good thing, because they discovered more internal bleeding that they had to fix."
"I am very sorry for your loss, Bella," Esme said, gripping my hand harder.
"I am sorry you were all alone," Rose said. I knew they both would be crying if they could.
"Dave was only in jail for a short time before posting bail, but I was able to get my stuff out of our apartment and find a new place to rent in just a couple days. I didn't have much, so it wasn't really a big deal moving out so quickly and just after having major surgery. I had plenty of money that I had wisely never told Dave about, from my parents' insurance policies. So I started over. He stayed away from me after he made bail. It was an entire year before it actually went to trial, so he was convinced that the trial was just a formality and that he had gotten away with it. He managed to only get a six month sentence, but he blamed me for that."
"Why was he not charged for the death of your daughter?" Rose asked quietly.
"If I was just a little farther along in the pregnancy he would have been. Another week and a half." We continued to walk along the hiking trail. Eventually we came upon an overlook of a large valley. We sat on an outcrop of rocks and enjoyed the view.
"Did you name your daughter?" Esme inquired.
"I did," I responded quietly. "Most people would say it's rather morbid, but I named her Hope, because all my hope died with her."
"Oh, Bella!" Esme cried as she opened her arms for me. "There is always hope, Bella. Always hope." Rosalie and Esme gathered me in their arms and we all cried together. I was finally able to grieve with the help of my sisters.
When we finished I told them about my pregnancy and my daughter. I explained the heartache, guilt and grief I felt as I walked out of the hospital without my baby in my arms. I told them about packing up my stuff and leaving Dave, but leaving the nursery untouched. I told them about buying drugs for the first time, trying to forget about…everything.
Esme shared what she could remember about her own experience with her son. Rose grieved with me, both for the loss of my baby and for the loss of any further chance of future pregnancy. I could feel their sincerity. I could feel them sharing my pain. I felt lighter than I had in years.
It was dark by the time we arrived back at their house. "Rose, Esme, thank you for listening. That was the first time I've told anyone."
"Thank you for trusting us with that, Bella," Rose whispered in my ear before going over to Emmett and leading him to their bedroom. I knew she just wanted to be close to him.
"Esme, I think I'm going to try to get some sleep. Thank you for listening," I said as I gave her a big hug.
"Are you sure you don't want anything to eat before you go to sleep?" Esme asked in concern.
"No, Esme. I'm fine. I think a good night's sleep will do me a lot of good." She gave me another quick hug and then pulled Carlisle from his study and led him to their bedroom. I was beginning to understand a small portion of what Jasper must have been feeling for the last four and a half years. I headed up to the guest room…my room. The door across the hall from my room was open slightly and Jasper was lounging on the couch reading a book. He was wearing a tight white t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants. All I could think was, 'Damn'.
He looked up and chuckled at me as I entered the room. "Like what you see?" He winked at me and I blushed.
I started laughing at myself. "Sorry about that Jazz, but yes, I was enjoying the view," I said with a smirk.
"You're playing with fire woman," Jasper warned with an even bigger smile.
"Then it's a good thing I like it hot," I responded with a small coy smile as I picked a book from the bookshelf and plopped down on the couch beside him. Jasper playfully growled at me. At that point I was pretty sure he was trying to kill me with lust. It had been a long time for me. The rabbit vibrator was a great invention, but the things he could do to me with that body…okay, need to change that line of thought.
Jasper just smirked and went back to his book. I worked on concentrating on the book in front of me, but I really wasn't taking in a single word.
After about half an hour in complete silence, Jasper finally spoke. "Esme and Rose's emotions have been all over the place since you returned. I am glad you were able to confide in them."
"It was nice. It's really hard for me, trusting that is. I needed my sisters," I said.
"Sisters?" Jasper asked.
"Yeah. Back five years ago, Esme was like the mother I never had. I always looked at Carlisle and Esme as parents, but now, I've lived a lot of life and I am no longer a child. Within a few weeks I'll be the same age as Carlisle was when he was changed. Esme is just three years older. I just don't think of them as parents anymore. I do think of them as mentors. I have great respect for them, but they just don't feel like parents anymore," I said.
"You are starting to trust us again," Jasper stated.
"Yes?" I said, sounding unsure of myself.
"You still feel resentment and anger though," Jasper pointed out, quietly and respectfully.
"Yes, Jasper I do. I think that will take a while. I…have abandonment issues. There is more that I need to tell you guys. I just…I'm not ready to share everything yet. This is very difficult for me," I explained.
"I understand. We all do. Take as much time as you need," Jasper said. "We'll be here whenever you are ready."
"Jasper, I feel like all the focus has been on me since our reunion. How are you doing?" I asked. I was a horrible friend. I was being so selfish thinking of my own problems and insecurities. He had lost his wife that he had been with for decades. I couldn't imagine the pain he felt.
"I'm doing alright," Jasper said with a sad smile. "I still miss her."
"I expect that you will always miss her. It gets easier, Jasper," I said. "I know it sounds cliché but it does get easier."
"I know that. I heard you the other day talking to Rose," he said apologetically. "I wasn't trying to listen in, but it's hard not to hear everything happening in this house." He shot an irritated glace toward the offending couples' bedrooms. "I heard you talking about the bad parts of your relationship with Edward and I felt your guilt as you described the problems of your relationship. I understand that. I have a hard time reconciling the good with the bad. There are things I enjoy about my life here and now that I wasn't able to enjoy before. I get to dress myself. I feel more comfortable in my own skin. Alice used to make the decisions, for not only herself but all of us. She was constantly checking my future for my next slip-up. I hate those things, and they make me feel bitter. I don't want those things to diminish the good times we had," Jasper confessed.
"I think it's perfectly normal, Jasper, plus, you're right about some of those things. Now…like you said, you seem more comfortable in your own skin. Alice was known for going overboard. I can't imagine her trying to deny it. Jasper, part of love is loving the whole person, not only the good things, but the flaws as well. It's okay to dislike those flaws. You love Alice despite her flaws." I said curling up against him as he put his arm around my shoulder.
"I feel guilty about it," Jasper said with a thick voice.
"You don't need to feel guilty about it, but easier said than done, right? Look, Alice knew you loved her. Don't doubt that. You loved and continue to love her. Don't doubt that either."
"Thank you, Bella," Jasper said after a moment.
"Thank you, Jasper," I responded. I was thankful he had felt comfortable enough to share with me. It made me feel like I mattered.
"You're so lonely, Bella," Jasper gasped as he felt the spike of emotions from me.
"I'm sorry, Jasper," I said chagrined. I tried to find the numb again.
"No, Bella. Feel what you feel. Don't try to block your emotions, please. It isn't healthy," Jasper said quickly. He looked nervous before continuing. "I don't mean to be forward, darlin', but would you like for me to lay with you while you sleep tonight? I'll keep the nightmares away." He smiled at me.
"I would love that, Jasper. You're just trying to get me into bed so you can take advantage of me," I said as I stood up.
"I wouldn't dream of taking advantage of you," he said with a sly smirk.
"Oh…that's too bad," I said lightly. He chuckled in response. I could see him relaxing again as we joked. I hated to see him so sad and forlorn.
I went into the bathroom and changed into my pajamas, a tank top and shorts, and when I came out, Jasper was lying on the bed waiting for me. Good lord, he was hot!
"You're going to make it hard to be a gentleman," Jasper smirked as he felt my lust again. This was embarrassing. I didn't respond.
Jasper was lying on top of the covers, so he pulled the covers back for me and I got under the blankets. Then Jasper curled up next to me, holding me in his arms.
"Do you believe in an afterlife?" Jasper asked.
"I want to," I said slowly. "Do you?"
"I want to," he said.
"If there is an afterlife, somewhere we go when we die, our loved ones will be there," I said.
"Even for my kind?" he asked, dejected.
"Definitely! Alice and Edward were far from perfect, but they did the best they could. You all struggle with your diet, but you try so hard to do the best you can with the hand you've been dealt. I can't believe that vampires would be excluded from an afterlife, just because of what they are."
"You still believe that we have souls?" he asked.
"Of course. How could I not? You are truly good people. You do your best to be better people, despite the lot you've been given in life. I've seen real monsters, human monsters. How could it possibly make sense if they have souls and you and your family do not? No. You definitely have a soul, Jasper. I can feel it in my very being."
I could feel him contemplating what I said, but he didn't say anything further. I held onto him tightly as I felt myself drifting off. It was so nice being wrapped in his arms. He made me feel so secure, so safe, so loved.
"Thank you for suggesting this, Jasper. I don't want to be alone right now," I whispered.
"Neither do I, Sugar, neither do I."
There were several minutes of silence before I finally spoke up, "Plus who wouldn't want to cuddle up to this big, strong, sexy vampire?" He chuckled and pulled me closer.
I was on the very edge of sleep when I whispered, "I miss her so much, Jazz. I was supposed to protect her."
"Who, Bella?" he whispered.
"My daughter," I breathed. Jasper pulled me even closer and sent me a wave of love and peace and I finally drifted away.
Hope that chapter wasn't too harsh. Please let me know what you think!