Over the next couple of weeks we dutifully show up to all the Glee club meetings, laying low before putting our first scheme in place. I guess all the singing and dancing's not too bad but having to put up with that troll Berry all the time makes the whole experience unbearable. Eventually once the rest of the club is used to having us around we implement our first plan. We convince the dwarf that in order to place at Regionals the Glee club will need to enlist the help of Dakota Stanley, the coach of our rival school's show choir, Vocal Adrenaline. What she doesn't know about is his reputation for cruelty and ruthlessness to rival Sue Sylvester's. She caves easily and as soon as she hints that Schuester's choreography is less than perfect he's running for the hills, afraid to keep teaching us for fear that his ego may be bruised further. He gives us the go ahead to hire Dakota Stanley and everything seems to be working out just fine. It doesn't look like the Glee club will last for very much longer.
We report back to Coach Sylvester and she praises our efforts so far. She then directs us to individually target members of the Glee club so that it will crumble even faster. Easy.
First we pick on that wannabe diva, Mercedes. When I'm macking on Puck in the hallway I see her staring longingly at us – it's kind of creepy – and I have an idea. I know she's always hanging with that hopeless closet case, Kurt Hummel, and she's obviously pathetically desperate, so it shouldn't be too hard to push her towards him a little. I grab Quinn and tell her my plan and she smiles deviously. We flank Aretha, all smiles and friendliness and tell her to go after him. As I suspected, she doesn't take much convincing once we hint that he might be into her. Seriously, this is too easy.
Meanwhile, Puck has been driving me up the wall. He's stopped taking me to Breadstix, claiming he can't afford it, when I know it's because he spent all his pool-cleaning money on new X-box games. As if that isn't bad enough, he's constantly complaining about not getting enough action ever since I joined the Glee club. He's getting possessive again. When I see his appalling credit score it's the last straw. I break up with him immediately, making sure to do it in public so people will know I dumped him. I'll be glad to be rid of him and his stupid haircut for a while; he was getting pretty boring. Plus there's a cute junior who I've been making out with under the bleachers who I happen to know is loaded. He won't be too cheap to buy me jewelry and take me out for my sticks.
We pay Carmel High a visit and turns out Dakota Stanley wants us to cough up eight thousand dollars if he's gonna coach us. Coach Sylvester has all the Cheerios help out with the car-wash the Glee club holds to raise funds and it's a good thing too because I don't think many people would have been queuing up to watch that wheelchair kid scrape a mop along the side of their truck. I don't know why they're not more suspicious, seeing as they're well aware of Coach Sylvester's resentment for the club, but whatever. I'm not complaining as long as I get to wear the sexy car-wash uniform that she issued us for occasions like this.
I'm hosing down a huge truck when Brittany comes round the side and I can't help but stare. She looks super hot in her bikini top and those heels make her legs look amazing. She smirks when she catches me checking her out and I look back at the car guiltily. I can't stop myself from glancing over a few times though when she leans over the bonnet and her skirt rides up. Damn. She turns around and I look away, playing innocent. Suddenly I'm hit in the face with a spray of water. I cough and splutter, not expecting the attack. Brittany giggles.
"Sorry, Santana. You looked like you needed to cool down though." I can't help but laugh and I spray her back. She shrieks as the cold water drips down her front, leaving a big wet patch on her skirt. She reaches down to the bucket by her side and picks up the sodden sponge. She's grinning wickedly and takes a step towards me. I run around the truck to escape her, grabbing my own sponge and we chase each other in circles, giggling hysterically. Eventually she catches me at the side of the car that's facing the wall and she pins me to the door. She reaches up and squeezes her sponge above my head so I get covered in soapy water. I yelp and do it back to her and soon we're both soaked and our sponges are dry.
"So," she giggles, "did that manage to cool you off?"
"Not really," I smirk. "Now I'm just wet." She smiles slightly and there's a pause. She's still pinning me to the car and we're both breathless from running around it. We look back at each other wordlessly. Suddenly I feel her hand on my inner thigh, slowly sliding upwards. My eyes widen. I instinctively glance around but the truck is obscuring us from everyone else and there's a wall on our other side. I look back at her and she's smiling devilishly as her hands continues its path, slipping under my skirt. She moves closer to me so our wet torsos brush together. Her hand reaches its destination and she cups me through my Spankies, pressing up gently. I gasp and my head tilts back. Now I really am wet.
Suddenly there's a loud smash, like the sound of breaking glass. My head snaps forward and we rush out to see what's happened. Everyone else has gathered round and is staring at where that gay kid and the black girl from Glee are standing beside his car. There's a small circular hole in his windscreen which he is gaping at in horror. Wheezy is just standing staring into space, seemingly lost in thought.
"You busted my window!" he's saying. What the hell? Is she some kind of psycho? We watch on in astonishment as he waits for an explanation.
"Well you busted my heart." She says and storms off. I smirk and exchange a grin with Brittany when I realize that our plan must have worked. This is even better than we could have hoped.
Everything starts to fall apart when we have our first session with Dakota Stanley. For a second it looks like we've succeeded in bringing down the club when all those geeks start filing out in anger. They didn't even last five minutes. Then Berry has to ruin everything by giving some freakin' emotional speech which makes everyone stay. And then they fire Dakota Stanley so Schuester can sweep back in and take charge again. If that's not bad enough, Aretha and the gay kid have miraculously made amends and are happier than ever.
Coach is furious. I don't think I've ever been in this much trouble with her before. But quite frankly I think this whole thing is kind of unfair…I mean it's not like it's our fault. How were we supposed to know that the Glee club's moral integrity would stand in the way of our ingenious plan? And now, all thanks to Rachel Berry and her big mouth, I've lost my tanning privileges and I'm in Coach's bad books. I didn't think it was possible to hate that little drama queen any more than I did before. Her and her little club of misfits are going down.
"And then he like…pretended he was dating Tina." I burst out laughing.
"And he bought it? That is priceless. Seriously, who does that fairy think he's kidding?"
We're lying on our stomachs on my bed, with homework spread out around us. Instead of working on it though, for the past ten minutes Britt has been recounting to me her experience at Kurt Hummel's house when he asked her to help him out with his Beyoncé routine. Apparently his dad walked in when "Single Ladies" was in full swing and caught him in his unitard. What ensued sounds pretty painful.
"Yeah, it was kind of weird. It was alright though; I mean, Kurt's not bad." I glance at her to see if she's kidding but she's wearing her usual blank expression. I look back at my history quiz and don't comment.
"I can't believe you told his dad he was on the football team. You realize he's not, right?"
"I know that now. I thought he was the little guy who kicks the ball through the posts. Then I remembered he couldn't be 'cause I totally make out with that guy all the time." She smiles to herself. I look at my watch.
"Hey, it's almost time for Coach's thing." I grab the remote and turn on my TV, finding the right channel. Coach Sylvester has informed all the Cheerios that we have to tune into WOHN tonight to watch her new segment that she's so excited about. She said she would be quizzing us tomorrow and anyone who hasn't watched it will be punished. She didn't specify how.
We watch as she preaches the benefits of caning and I wonder if she's been serious. She's never caned me but I have seen some of the other girls emerging from her office after breaking the rules looking pretty traumatized.
A few days later we're practicing our routines on the fields and watching the football team attempt to train. I'm surprised to see the gay kid there and it looks like he's trying out for kicker. The rest of the team laughs at him and I don't blame them. I watch beside Britt in disbelief as he reaches down to his CD player and starts blasting "Single Ladies," preparing to kick the ball. What the hell is he doing? He's like, dancing around like a girl. Beside me Britt is mirroring his dance moves. I giggle. I thought he was doing this to prove he isn't gay.
I immediately stop laughing though when he kicks the ball and it sails gracefully through the posts. So does everyone else. Okay, that was pretty impressive. I guess he'll get that spot after all.
At the next football game I can hardly believe it when the whole team suddenly starts performing the routine. It's an interesting tactic, sure enough. Unbelievably, it seems to work and the team end up winning for the first time in what feels like forever.
The next day Puck, Mike Chang and Matt Rutherford join Glee club and I wonder why the hell they're doing it. I mean, I'm a spy, but what motive could they possibly have for joining? Maybe I dumped Puck just in time before he decided to play for the other team. Since we broke up I've been taking full advantage of my new single status and avoiding him like the plague. It's such a relief to finally be able to fool around with whoever I want without having to worry about being caught.
Meanwhile, Quinn has been acting totally weird recently. She hasn't shown up to the past three celibacy club meetings and because she's the only one who actually gives a crap about the damn club, everyone else has stopped bothering with it. It's not like Quinn to ditch without a reason but I'm not complaining because it means I don't have to stick around after school to play stupid games like "The Immaculate Affection."
Rachel Berry has stopped showing up to Glee and as it turns out she's quit. We didn't even have to do anything. Seems she had some falling out with Schuester over some solo she wanted…I forget the details. Her not being there suddenly makes Glee club seem a lot less terrible. And after a few practices without her loud-mouthed opinion I actually realize, with some horror, I kind of enjoy it. Not that I'd ever voice that thought to anyone. Especially not Coach Sylvester. But despite my hatred for every one of those geeks, I actually like singing and I'm a pretty good dancer. And it's fine. I may secretly enjoy Glee but it's not like anybody needs to know that.
For some reason ever since Berry quit everyone in the club is whining about how we need her to come back. I don't know why. Personally I think her decision to leave is the best thing that ever happened to the New Directions. To replace her Mr. Schuester finds some blonde woman called April Rhodes and sure, she can sing. Thing is, she went to McKinley years ago and she's like, forty. It's kind of weird.
One day before Glee we're just hanging around in the choir room, waiting for Mr. Schuester to show up. All the geeks are clustered around the piano, gossiping about Quinn's recent habit of running from the room to vomit. I roll my eyes. Maybe they should mind their own business. That's when Puck stands up and announces to everyone that Quinn is pregnant with Finn's baby. What? The chastity queen, pregnant? Like, how?
Berry suddenly bursts in, ranting on about something or other and I don't stop to listen. Instead I turn around to Brittany who's standing behind me.
"Oh my god, did you hear that, Britt?" I say in an undertone. She leans down, looking at me blankly.
"I'm confused…what's she got in her oven?" I stare at her for a moment.
"She's got one in the oven…it means she's pregnant, Britt." Her face registers her surprise. "This must be why she's been acting so weird recently," I continue. I laugh. "And no wonder she's been too afraid to show her face at the celibacy club. She's obviously not been staying true to her vow." Brittany ponders this for a moment.
"So she's gonna like…have a baby? That's totally weird. What'll she do with it when we have Cheerios practice?" I think for a moment. If Quinn is pregnant, that means she won't fit into her uniform and Coach Sylvester will kick her off the squad for sure. And there's no question of her getting rid of it; Saint Quinn wouldn't want to offend Jesus. And if she's not head cheerleader, then who will be? I've always been her second-in-command. With her out the way the position could be mine. Then I would without a doubt be the top bitch at McKinley, with Britt by my side. "Santana?" Brittany's looking at me questioningly. I smile.
"You know what, Britt-Britt? I think Q getting knocked up might just be one of the best things that could have happened to us."