Pomfrey: Must you keep that fagot on your bed?
Harry: What are you talking about? Ron's not here.
Pomfrey: No, I meant the bundle of sticks.
Harry: But it's all that's left of my old broomstick.
Pomfrey: And we need to keep that fire burning. It's freezing in here.
Harry: Are you allowed to burn a student's stuff?
Pomfrey: I can if it has bubonic plague on it.
Harry: It doesn't have…
Pomfrey: *grabs broomstick remains and throws them in the fire* Trust me, I'm a doctor…kind of. Also, your friends are here *Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and the Gryffindor team enter*
Hermione: How are you today?
Harry: Well, the remains of my broomstick are burning over there, and some unholy demons want to suck me dry.
Ron: Speaking of sucking…
Harry: God damn it, not now Ron.
Oliver: Don't worry Harry *through clenched teeth* It wasn't your fault.
Harry: You don't honestly blame me for that, do you?
Oliver: …I mean, it was Hufflepuff…
Harry: WOOD!
Ginny: I brought you a get well card. It plays music based on what the person who gave it to you is like and how they feel about you.
Harry: Okay… *opens card, a Black Veil Brides song starts playing* And can apparently play music from eighteen years in the future. Nice.
*Monday*
Draco: Ah, it's good to have use of both hands again. Even if one is horribly disfigured for the rest of my life.
Ron: What disfigurement?
Draco: This one *flips Ron off*
Snape: Weasley, how dare you make Draco flip you off. Twenty points from Gryffindor.
Ron: You're not teaching Defence against the Dark Arts again, are you?
Snape: You make it sound like I couldn't teach that class. That's another thirty points gone.
*later*
Ron: Please tell me Snape isn't in there.
Lupin: He's not.
Class: WOOHOO!
Lupin: He covered one class. How bad could he have been?
Harry: He was very insistent we learn about werewolves. Any idea why that might have been?
Lupin: *eye twitch* No, of course not. Why would I know what that asshole who wants my job was planning?
*at the end of class*
Lupin: Harry, can I have a word?
Harry: Is it good news or bad news?
Lupin: What does it matter? I'm the teacher, and I'm telling you to stay behind.
Harry: ...you got me. What is it?
Lupin: I heard about the match.
Harry: Of course you did. Dumbledore gave a full interview about it to the Daily Prophet, thinking they were the Azkaban wardens.
Lupin: Of course he did. I just wanted to let you know I'm here if you ever want to talk about anything. You know, offer fatherly advice and such.
Harry: …okay, kinda creepy. I mean, it's not like you knew my dad or anything.
Lupin: Well, you see Harry…
Harry: Wait, if you were sick last lesson, why weren't you in the Hospital Wing when I was there over the weekend?
Lupin: That's kind of a…
Harry: Hey, I just had an idea. If you're a Defence against the Dark Arts teacher, can you teach me to fight back against the dementors?
Lupin: …well, yeah, but…
Harry: Great, because I don't really want to hear my mum dying whenever they come near me.
Lupin: Wait, what?
Harry: Yeah, last time they came near me, I heard a woman's voice begging for me to be spared. Kinda don't want to hear that again.
Lupin: *sigh* Fine, I'll teach you. No need to guilt trip me.
*several weeks later*
Hermione: Great news Harry, we're staying for the holidays.
Ron: And there's another Hogsmeade visit coming up.
Harry: Only half of what Hermione said was great news.
Hermione: Don't worry, we'll bring you back some stuff. Hey, we can make it our Christmas shopping.
Harry: Aren't Christmas presents meant to be a surprise?
Hermione: You're right. Do either of you remember the memory charm Lockhart wanted to use on you?
Harry: No.
Ron: Wasn't it Obli…
Harry: *covering Ron's mouth* No, we definitely forgot it.
Ron: Oh come on Harry, I use it on you all the time.
Harry: WHAT?!
Ron: Obliviate *hits Harry with the spell*
Harry: What were we talking about?
*morning of the trip*
?: Harry? Oh, Harry?
Harry: I see red hair beckoning me, so I'm already suspicious *sees Fred and George* Well, it could have been worse. And I'm horrified I can say that about you two.
George: We have a present for you *reveals a blank piece of parchment*
Harry: Great, a blank space. Should I write your name?
Fred: Ah, poor Harry, you don't know the secrets of this parchment. For you see, you are about to do something bad because of us, since I solemnly swear that I am up to no good *parchment suddenly becomes detailed map of the castle*
Harry: I have several questions. First of all, where did you…
George: Filch's office.
Harry: Of course. But why did you…
Fred: It was marked Highly Dangerous.
Harry: And how did you figure out…
George: Random guessing mostly.
Harry: Somehow, I feel like I should have known all that *sees title of map* Now, who are Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs?
Fred: Knowing young adult literature, it'll either be revealed by the end of this book, or remain a mystery forever.
George: Anyway, this map not only shows you the entire school, but also where everyone is at any given moment.
Harry: What about the Chamber of Secrets?
Fred: Well…no, but…
Harry: So, last year your sister unleashed a dangerous monster into the school, and you had the means to figure out who did it, AND YOU CHOSE NOT TO?!
George: Of course not, McGonagall would have confiscated this again if we'd told her.
Harry: THAT was your concern?
Fred: Harry, come on. It's us.
Harry: …fair point. So, you're giving me this because…?
George: Who said anything about giving it to you? We just want you to come with us to Hogsmeade.
Harry: I'm interested but suspicious.
George: Now, there are seven passage ways to get to Hogsmeade.
Harry: Sweet.
Fred: Except only one of them is safe or possible to travel along.
Harry: …great.
George: And it's right across the hall from here.
Harry: And you needed to tell me about your most prized possession when you could have just as easily shown me the passage because…?
Fred: It was a way to make you trust us.
Harry: The only thing I trust about you two is that some shit is going to go down.
George: Exactly. If we're caught, we'd prefer people to know it was us that did it.
Harry: …whatever.
*later, in Honeyduke's basement*
Harry: *coming out of a trapdoor* Well, I guess we're here.
Fred: Excellent. George, grab the stuff.
Harry: Wait, what?
George: *pushing a crate of Chocolate Frogs down the hole* Hey, if we're going down, we're taking someone with us.
Harry: You're making me an accessory to theft?
Fred: *pushing a crate of Peppermint Toads down the hole* Hey, we'll give you some of the loot if we get away with it.
George: And maybe some of the profits.
Unseen woman's voice: Honey, we're running low on Jelly Slugs.
Unseen man's voice: Don't you mean "Honeydukes"? Eh? Eh?
Unseen woman's voice: We don't have kids, you can't make those jokes.
Fred: Shit, gotta go *jumps down trapdoor, followed by Goerge, closing trapdoor behind them*
Harry: Those assholes *hears door opening* Crap *hides behind a box. Sees it marked Jelly Slugs* Damn it *hides behind another box, sees it marked More Jelly Slugs* Son of a bitch *hides behind another box, sees it marked Even More Jelly Slugs* Oh, COME ON!
Unseen man's voice: Hmm, I wonder what's happening in this underused corner of my store?
Harry: Alright, fuck this *sneaks upstairs, runs into Ron and Hermione*
Ron: Harry! Now all my fantasies can come true.
Hermione: How did you even get here?
Harry: *pulls out Marauder's Map* Fred and George used this secret map, which I stole, to sneak in and rob the store.
Ron: Why didn't they ever tell me about this map? I'm their brother.
Hermione: It concerns me that you are more concerned they didn't tell you about the map than the fact they robbed a candy shop. Harry, you should hand that map over to Professor McGonagall.
Harry: Fuck that. I must have got it for some important plot point. I'm keeping it. Plus, if Sirius Black is hiding in the castle, I want to know about it BEFORE he disembowels me.
Ron: Exactly. Let's go for Butterbeer.
*later, and The Three Broomsticks*
Harry: *finishing his tankard of Butterbeer* Ah, delicious. And with no chance of me getting caught…wait, the fact that the author has me saying this means that… *sees McGonagall, Flitwick, Hagrid, and Fudge enter the pub* Yep, as I thought *hides under the table*
Hermione: Mobiliarbus *nearby Christmas tree moves in front of them*
Flitwick: Did that tree just move?
Harry: No.
Hagrid: Well, the tree would know better than us.
Bar Lady: Okay, who ordered the gillywater? *McGonagall raises her hand* Enjoy your gills. The mulled mead? *Hagrid raises hand, Bar Lady lifts large bucket onto the table* Cherry syrup and soda with ice and umbrella? *Flitwick raises hand* I brought the smallest glass we had. And that means you had the redcurrant rum minister?
Fudge: Indeed Miss Vane. Would you like to join us?
Vane: Are you kidding? Have you seen how busy the bar is?
Fudge: I am the Minister of Magic. I order you to sit with us.
Vane: Am I relevant to the conversation?
Fudge: Only so that we can reveal information that Harry Potter shouldn't know to someone else that doesn't know it, and since he clearly isn't here, that shouldn't be a problem.
Harry: You have my undivided attention.
Hagrid: See, the tree's interested.
McGonagall: Why does it sound like Potter?
Hagrid: Who cares? It's not like 'e's going to hear about 'is father and Sirius Black being best friends when they were in school, so much so that Sirius Black is 'arry's godfather.
Flitwick: Umm, Hagrid?
Hagrid: Or that Sirius Black betrayed 'is parents to Voldemort? I even comforted the bastard at the Potter's burned out place before taking 'arry on Black's motorbike to those filthy muggles, despite 'is insistence on taking 'im 'imself.
Fudge: Hagrid?
Hagrid: And then 'e murdered their other friend Peter Pettigrew. Yep, that was definitely Black, the evil bastard. Probably wants to 'elp Voldemort or something.
McGonagall: Shut up Hagrid. That's way too much exposition for one chapter. Though it's interesting how much you seem to insist on Black's guilt…