Chapter TEN: Maybe memories

It's me. I've done it."

"What have you done?"

"Ruined the world."

"I doubt one young man can claim such a title for himself."

Raito dreamed. Not often in his life, but when he did it was always a repeat, something he had dreamed about before. In his dreams, he was often called out onto the rooftop by an unknown voice. This unknown voice was always forcing Raito to admit it. Admit what?

Tell me Raito, from the moment you were born, has there ever been a point where you actually told the truth?

Standing alone on the rooftop, the voice's question brought on a powerful desire to jump. A desire so strong that it alone almost pulls him over the edge, but something keeps him from jumping and ending his own life. Raito could never put a face to that strong voice.

Sometimes, there are other voices. Voices that have faces he knows he's never seen, and these faces he knows has names he never heard of except in his dreams. The voices were always whispers and just as unrecognizable as the many faces.

He never paid them much attention; these dreams, because everyone dreams. Everyone has nightmares on occasions. However, lately, they no longer seemed to be strange dreams but that of forgotten memories. Except Raito never stood on a rooftop with a desire to jump. In fact, he was sure he never stood on a roof top period. And he knew was that it was guilt that led the desire for him to jump, to end it…

…but guilt for what? What crime was so bad that, even in a dream, he would think; just jump. No one would miss you.

Why would no one miss me?

No one would try to save you.

Why?

These dreams he has had for a year. For one year, he has desperately tried to vanquish the emotions that came with the dreams. Dreams that were oddly like memories. But the voices…they don't go away no matter how many happy pills you take. The voices are always there.

So Raito dreamed. The voices continued to speak to him, this time sounding like echoing screams coming at him from all sides. This time with the force and the rush of the methamphetamine in his system. This time with no escape from his own mind.

The sound of the bell has been unusually loud today…

What are you doing standing out there by yourself? -Hey, wait!-God, if there is a God..-Do you hear the bell?-Wait!- forgive me..-Rey Penber-you never believe me-Ten more seconds!-I'll do anything-love apples- don't answer the phone!-came to Japan-Sometimes a lie is all someone can say-The world has to be fixed!-I love you-just as planned-Wait!-Please-Don't you hear it?

Please!

I don't hear anyth-

Raito woke with a jolt, sitting straight up in the bed, his body drenched heavily in sweat. His heart was pounding. As his eyes blinked, adjusting to his surroundings, he realized he was home. In his own bed.

The boy rubbed his eyes and layback down, taking in deep breaths to calm himself. He tried to remember what happened last. He went to Tyson's to get away and ended up staying a few days… How long?

Ratio opened his eyes and instantly saw the sores on his arm. It made the side of his head hurt for some reason. Shit. What the hell did I do to myself? A sound from the living room caught his attention. Someone was in the apartment. Raito bit his lip. Must be my dad, he thought.

Well, Raito certainly was not going to face his wrath anytime soon. Choosing to fall back into the nightmares rather than face his chief of police father, Raito slid further down into the bed, pulling the covers up to his chin, and falling almost instantly back to sleep.

It was not until evening that Raito finally pulled himself out of bed and into the land of the living. He emerged from the bedroom with his hair a bed head mess and eyes more focused than before. He ran his fingers through his soft hair and carefully looked at the man sitting on the floor putting the leg back onto his coffee table. "Oh." He said. "So it was you." Without speaking another word, the teen crossed the floor into the kitchen.

"You sound disappointed." Ryuzaki shouted so the boy could here.

"I'm surprised." Raito answered. He came back with a glass of water. "I thought it was my dad in here." Raito went straight for the pack of cigarettes on the counter. He slid one out of the pack and placed it into his mouth. This time the man didn't object. He reached into his pocket then held up his open palm to show he had the lighter. Then he lit the white stick his self.

When the man didn't protest, Raito asked, "Does the smoke bother you?"

"Yes."

"Did I do that to my table?"

The man's hands froze. He looked carefully at the boy, then softly shook his head. "I did. My apologies."

Raito looked around the rest of the room. Nothing else seemed to be damaged. "It's cool. It wasn't expensive or anything." He sat on the couch enjoying his cigarette and his water. He waited, but the man never commented again about the cigarette. "Why aren't you telling me to put this out?" He asked, wondering if Ryuzaki's feelings of 'I like you', had changed because of last night.

"This is your place." He said. "And because after last night the cigarette in your hand is the least of my concerns."

Ryuzaki lifted his head to share a brief look with the teen. Raito bit his lip embarrassed. "How did you find me? Or.." He caught the man's gaze. "did you already know where I was?" It was bait to get Ryuzaki to open up.

"I looked for you. A waiter friend of yours took me there. I didn't get his name. Are you okay?"

Raito looked down at his arm. Scratches covered the skin from the elbow down. He knew just from the pain on the side of his face that he did some major damage to himself. "I'm fine. It's my pride that's hurt."

"You really scared me. I will admit."

"I must have looked like something from a horror film."

"Yes. You frightened me."

Raito found himself inching closer to the man. The warmth coming from him was nice, causing those emotions he felt only when Ryuzaki was near. Raito didn't know how, but he knew this man was capable of making everything okay. "I didn't mean to. I'm embarrassed. I'd never want you to see me that way." He looked for a new spot to set the cup. Finding nowhere he just sat it next to his foot on the floor.

"Well…you shouldn't want anyone to see you that way."

"No." Raito ran a hand a shaking hand through his hair and took a drag. "Uhm, look, I'm sorry about yelling at you. At the bus station."

Ryuzaki stood and flipped the table back over. It was good as new. He stacked the schoolbooks back. He looked down at Raito's arm, frowning at site of it. "Can I clean up your face and arm? You must have bled in your sleep, there's blood all over the side of your face."

Raito blushed. "I don't mind."

In the bathroom, Raito made himself comfortable on the side of the tub. He watched the older man carefully pull out a few bandages from the cabinet under the sink. Raito licked his lips and cleared his throat. "Uhm, look, I should tell you that I don't do drugs often. I mean, I'm no addict. I'm not hooked. I just…sometimes I need an escape okay? Don't think that-"

"Why should my opinion matter?"

Taken back by the boldness of the question, he lied. "It doesn't."

Ryuzaki nodded. "Good then."

Raito held his arm out, and as Ryuzaki wrapped the gauze around the arm just below the elbow, he studied the man's face as it worked diligently. "You're angry."

"Angry?"

"Yeah. At me." With his free hand, Raito took a long drag off the cigarette and blew it out through his nose. He was trying to act casual. He was trying to act as if his chest wasn't tightening from guilt and sorrow and shame. Why did he care what this strange person thought about him?

Ryuzaki's nose crinkled. "I suggest you buy a nicotine patch. Next time you go out for groceries."

Raito felt himself deflate. Well, what had he wanted this man to say?

Finished, Ryuzaki dropped Raito's arm gently into his lap, then gave his attention to the boy's temple. "You did some real damage here."

Raito closed his eyes. Ryuzaki smelled too good. His touches were too soft. Raito wondered why this man had bothered to take him out of that hell and bring him back home, and even clean him up. Most would not do something like that. They would have called the cops.

Unless…

For a little moment, Raito wondered if this man drew to him in all the same ways that Raito drew to him.

Feeling a smile creep up on his lips, Raito whispered, "Thank you." You still like me.

Ryuzaki pulled away and searched the cabinets for alcohol. "It's nothing." He said as he found cotton balls.

"No. Not for this. For bringing me home."

Ryuzaki laid the cotton balls down and studied Raito's face. "Oh." He said. "Don't thank me."

"Why?"

"Because I should have left you there."

Left me? Raito knew it was true, but damn did it sting. Defiantly, feeling insulted and hurt, he met Ryuzaki's gaze demanding, "Then why didn't you?"

Ryuzaki looked away, searching again for alcohol, unanswering.

"Nothing to say?" The teen asked.

"You should buy rubbing alcohol f you're going to be running around in your boxers higher than a kite and scratching holes in your face with what was probably a fork."

The teen's cheeks colored red. "I'm not hooked."

"Just…shut up. Please?"

Raito looked down at his hands and at the cigarette, the little flame burning dimly. "But I'm not."

Ryuzaki sighed. "You take drugs to escape. That is a dependant. And the beginning of an addiction."

"Not really. I've only tried-"

"It is!" He yelled harshly, causing the teen to jump. Ryuzaki had finally broke from the wait of his emotions, "Raito you are not stupid. You are not an easily misguided teen. You see how the world really works. Moreover, do not think you can fool me with your little acting abilities. Do not think I am just like every other sucker out there who will buy any word that comes out of your pretty lips. Just shut up."

Insulted and hurt, Raito stood on his feet brushing Ryuzaki's hand away from his face. He was shorter and not quite as strong, but his eyes were colder. "You are standing in my place. Or have you forgotten?"

Ryuzaki smirked. "Your place? Oh yes, this tiny little apartment with its cheap wallpaper and its one bedroom and its stained carpet truly is 'a place'. May I suggest you go home? Home. Where your two parents who love you live. Home where your baby sister still needs you. Home where there are photos on the wall and a warm meal on the table. You ran away from all of that. Can I ask Raito why?"

"You don't know anything! You come out of nowhere and expect me to pore out my heart to you? Who are you? You said you lied. You said you were not sent by the court or my father, but by yourself. Who are you?"

"I'm-" He stopped himself. He could hear Ryuk chuckling, waiting anxiously. "I'm, just a guy. I like you."

"So you've told me."

The two stared each other down for what seemed like an eternity. Finally Ryuzaki broke. "Raito… I'll go." He turned, and headed out the door before had a chance to say anything he would regret later.

Raito watched him go, glad to see him leave. Glad to see him walk out of his life. Who the hell did this Ryuzaki think he was judging Raito when he didn't even know him?

And yet.

Raito didn't want him to go. The room suddenly seemed colder without Ryuzaki there. Suddenly seemed lonelier. Suddenly felt empty. "Wait!" But Ryuzaki was opening the front door. Raito didn't want him to go, to leave him there. "Hey!" Raito swallowed his pride, tossed his cigarette onto the floor stomping it out and forced his feet to move. "Hey, wait!" Raito ran out of the bathroom fast as he could.

Hand on the door handle, Ryuzaki paused and turned back to the boy with a somber look. "Yes?"

Raito's steps came to a halt as he met Ryuzaki's gaze. Those piercing black eyes… He heard himself asking, Have we met before? That dark hair, he thought. The curve of those thin lips. Do I know you?

With a confused look of shock, Raito whispered fully realizing, "You're the one who picked up that notebook. The one I saw in the school yard that day."