My name is not Stephanie Meyer and I do not own 'The Twilight Saga.'
For those of you who are new to this story, number one go back and start from the beginning :) and moving on...there is SEXUAL CONTENT, STRONG LANGUAGE, AND in some cases MILD VIOLENCE.
I know it has been a long time coming for this update, and I would just like to say that I apologize. I got some drama, that I don't even know how to begin with right now, I know excuses excuses, but I'll try to do better...that is all I can promise right now.
As I promise, this isn't all hearts and rainbows and rose scented poo...just saying.
***Check out my profile for links to outfits and other such stuff.
***At the bottom is a playlist that you may want to refer to throughout the chapter.
I would like to thank Danna, (freakin' smart ass beta...editing text ha fucking ha...) my beta in which I love, for getting this chapter in line for me, and being the bad ass bitch that she is.
Okay...it's been long enough...again sorry...and...
Enjoy.
Chapter 9: Fight, Flight, or Front like you've heard it all before.
"Tears of Crimson"
I have never had any photographs,
And I lost that part of my memory,
Instead of broken glass I live off maps,
The night you were buried in history,
And your lips they lost sight of everything,
Cried tears of crimson, and blood of sapphire,
Your morgue of muses haunts me with your scream,
Their voices your purpose seems to admire,
Your broken vase has shaved my wrists this eve,
The lonely rose lies dead amongst the ground,
As perplex a scene might bring death to these,
Two loves so painful lying barbwire bound,
I'd like to thank you for your lovely line,
The desire is worthless, my eyes kept blind.
BPOV
Holding Edward, kissing Edward, loving Edward was all the same, not changing, a faithful constant in my life, no less passionate. It never lessened in intensity, never made me feel vulnerable, and well...at least didn't make me feel that our relationship was vulnerable. The strength our bond held was impeccable, no matter what I did. Though we never let it get past fondling, and oral sex...at least not lately.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want our connection to break, nor do I want us to break up. I just wish that at fifteen years old I didn't have this scary, intense relationship that didn't seem to be slowing down. By this rate I would be married before I was sixteen and that scared me shitless. Shitless!
I tried to backtrack some, and to slow our roll way the fuck down, but it just didn't work. Any time that the kisses would start to deepen, the hold would tighten, I was putty and couldn't do a effing thing about it. I know I'm weak, but if you had this gorgeous boy that meant the world to you and loved you to death, why would you try pulling away? I know I'm cra- (no I'm not going there, I'm no Renee.) I'm stupid, (yeah that is the one right there,) and scared...remember? Shitless, and I'm not even sure what of.
That you'll be like her?
Maybe.
That he'll regret all of it?
Probably.
That he'll fall out of love with you?
Definitely.
Is it worth risking any of that?
I don't know, possibly.
Would it kill your heart in the end?
Absolutely.
Do you need me to shut up now?
Yes, please.
I gave a curt nod at myself into the mirror, and fell back down into the mattress. My mind had been arguing with itself time after time for weeks on end now. That I shouldn't love Edward this much, that I'm too young, that I can't possibly be feeling everything I feel for him, with so much intensity. I love him so much though, that I never want to be without him, I want to be his forever. Forever. Yeah, that tended to be a little scary, a little...crazy. There I said it.
I don't want to feel that I'm being obsessive about my relationship with Edward, because I don't want to be anything that anyone could identify with being like...her.
For the most part, I left things alone. I let things fall where they may...because there really isn't anything I can do about it. Right? Right.
Thanksgiving passed with little to no drama, and Christmas, well it was much more interesting.
Last night was Christmas Eve dinner, and we stayed up watching our favorite marathon movies, before calling it a night and going to sleep.
Once I awoke and showered, I slipped my dress over my head, already having put on my undergarments and tights. Once my dress was in place and zipped I slipped my shoes on, adding a few pieces of jewelry, and sat on the edge of the bed waiting for Edward to emerge from the bathroom.
He emerged finally in black slacks, a dark red button up shirt, and dress shoes. His green eyes shining reminded me of Christmas trees, and I couldn't help but to be in awe.
"Ready to head down, love?" Edward asked as he held his hand out towards me.
"Uh, yeah sure, never been more ready," I stuttered out, taking his hand and allowing him to help me to my feet.
Once we got downstairs everyone gathered around the tree, Alice and Rose arrived before we had made it down and were already comfortably seated, looking every bit as good, if not much better than I did in their Christmas dresses.
Carlisle acted the part of 'Santa Claus' handing out their presents and directing everyone to hand out theirs as well.
"Bella, here you go, this is from Esme and me," Carlisle said softly, and I thanked them much the same.
As I was peeling the shiny red paper back, my mind registered that this was the first Christmas I would celebrate with my new and improved family.
I pulled the leather-bound journals from their concealment and took a deep breath to hold my emotions back.
"We thought with all of your writing, that you could use something nice to compile everything in," Carlisle told me, and I nodded and thanked them yet again.
A family that gets me.
Alice and Jasper, Rose and Emmett gave me a gift as couples much like Edward and I did for all of them.
They were the typical gift cards, clothing, music, and so on. Then Edward cleared his throat.
"These are my gifts to you," Edward said as he pulled forth one really large gift, and yet another rather small gift.
"Um, yeah, here are my gifts to you, too," I said as I pulled forward his gifts.
I insisted that he open his first.
The first was a framed picture of us, which had been taken on my birthday. The first time you could see the tell-tale signs of love surrounding our beings and gracing our faces.
The second was a leather chord necklace, housing a small version of the pendent Carlisle had given each of his children: the Cullen crest. He already had a cuff with the crest, but he wasn't able to wear it while playing sports and such so, I decided to give him an alternative, so I asked Carlisle for another pendent.
"I had one made into a necklace for you, it seemed like a nice thing to do, so you'll always have it with you" I shrugged, as he beamed at me.
"It's perfect," he assured me.
The last box had a compilation of music, books, movies, and anything I could find and throw together, all things I knew that he loved, or would probably love once he was exposed to it.
"Thank you," Edward said softly, pulling me into his lap and kissing me on the forehead, "now open your presents, please."
I grabbed the biggest one first, and started to peel the paper back slowly. When I caught sight of 'Gibson' I tore the paper off with abandon.
"I knew that you were wanting me to teach you, and we've been toying around with my guitar a little, but this way with your guitar it will be easier for me to teach you to play, and once you've learned we can jam together," Edward said with a wide and genuine smile.
"Thank you so much, this means a lot," I told him my face hurting from all the smiling I was doing.
He took the guitar from my hand, and replaced it with my last present.
"One more," he whispered softly, and my hands shook as I took the small gift from him.
I pulled the paper off to find a thin rectangular box; it was obviously jewelry, and thankfully obviously not a ring.
I opened the box and found a beautiful, strand of white pearls, and at the end of the necklace was an onyx heart locket.
I fingered the locket reverently, in shock maybe, or awe at the feelings this little piece of jewelry gave me. It was beautiful and fit my personality like a glove, the only thing that woke me from the trance it had on me was Edwards soft voice telling me to 'open it.'
I opened the locket and it unfolded like a clover revealing four slots for pictures, and then I focused on the pictures, three of the slots were filled.
"I felt I should symbolize the movement of our relationship, and what you mean to me. The first is our friendship, our strength with each other, the second, our love and bond, and the third...my hope for our forever..." Edward explained quietly.
The first picture was taken when we were friends, he had a hold of me, but it looked more protective than anything. The second was after we got together. He was standing and he had me lifted in his arms, holding me with my legs circled around his waist, and my arms around his neck. The last picture was a day that Alice had been goofing around with us, make us all dress up, I was in this weird dress that was beautiful, but also looked like a garbage bag, she called it recycled chic, and Edward was in a tux, but that wasn't all, we were playing around, and Edward was on his knees kissing my ring finger, as my left hand was embraced in both of his...
I gasped lightly, upon seeing it, and after switching from studying the pictures, to Edward himself, I drew in a deep shaky breath, and responded.
"Thank you, this is...beautiful, but what about the last?" I said cupping his cheek, and placing a light kiss on his lips, before pulling my guard back up, and glancing around the room to check out what everyone else had.
"You are beautiful Isabella, and the last is yet to come," I heard him mutter softly, so soft in fact, I don't think I was meant to hear it, therefore I didn't respond, but his arms did tighten slightly around my waist, and I recognized his intent.
I was dreading Valentine's Day. I know...I know...I'm nuts, I have the most gorgeous and attentive boyfriend of all time, and the holiday I should have been looking forward to, I was absolutely terrified of, and with just cause.
Edward had ushered everyone out that day, it didn't take much convincing because it was Valentine's Day after all. Everybody already had plans he just made sure no one would come back while we were doing our thing.
He made me dinner, it was wonderful and romantic, with candles, soft music and lighting, and the food was delicious. We ate our dinner of mushroom ravioli and then had our cheesecake while sitting on the couch.
I presented him with my present first, Smile Empty Soul concert tickets, because he had been dying to go, and considering they were my favorite band, I wouldn't mind it either.
Then he got to my present.
'Isabella Swan, you are the most unique and beautiful girl that I could ever dream to meet, and for you to be mine is unfathomable, but since you are, I'd hope to keep it that way,' Edward started, and my heartbeat kicked up tenfold, 'would you wear this ring in promise that in the future, when we are out of school and ready, that you will be mine forever, my wife, my mate, my love?' he finished pulling out the most beautiful white gold (because I hate yellow) ring with a square black diamond surrounded by white diamonds in the middle, and two rows of black diamonds to both sides.
I was stunned completely, and even though I felt that nagging 'doom' I've been calling it, I said yes and he secured the ring on my left ring finger, where it still sits today.
Lately I've been trying to drown my pessimistic self with music, securing my mp3 player to my hip, trying to drown out the voices that tell me that it's all to much, that it all is going to blow up in my face, and when the head phones don't do it, the guitar I've learned to play over the months surely does.
I switch songs faster than I rightfully should be able to, but I feel as though my music is mocking me, that I'm trying to be reached on some paranormal level, because honestly this is starting to freak me out by just how in tune the songs are with my rampant thoughts.
It all started with Avril:
Sometimes I get so weird,
I even freak myself out,I laugh myself to sleep it's my lullaby,
Sometimes I drive so fast,
Just to feel the danger,
I want to scream it makes me feel alive,
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out,
And leave me here to bleed,
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life,
I'd rather be anything but ordinary, please...
(Anything But Ordinary-A.L.)
Click...
Then Jimmy Eat World:
I don't feel the way I've ever felt,
I know,
I'm gonna smile and not get worried,
I try but it shows,
Anyone can make what I have built,
And better now,
Anyone can find the same white pills,
It takes my pain away,
It's a lie, a kiss with open eyes,
And she's not breathing back,
Anything but bother me,
It takes my pain away,
Never mind these are hurried times,
Oh oh, I can't let it bother me,
I never thought I'd walk away from you,
I did,
But it's a false sense of accomplishment,
Every time I quit...
(Pain-J.E.W.)
Click...
And finally...Muse:
It's bugging me,
Grating me,
And twisting me around,
Yeah, I'm endlessly,
Caving in,
And turning inside out,
Because I want it now,
I want it now,
Give me your heart and your soul,
And I'm breaking out,
I'm breaking out,
Last chance to lose control,
Yeah it's holding me,
Morphing me,
And forcing me to strive,
To be endlessly,
Cold within,
And dreaming I'm alive...
(Hysteria-Muse)
* Thud *
I tugged the buds from my ears before tossing it to the floor, hence the thud. With a sigh and a curse, I flung myself down on the bed and glared at the ceiling before huffing and making my way across the room, I grabbed my guitar and sat Indian style on the bed. I plucked a few chords out before my hands started playing a song my mind hadn't yet told them to, and even my sub-conscience was taunting me.
Reverting back to my favorites, I started in on a Smile Empty Soul song:
You are my light, you are my fire,
The only one that's not a liar,
You get me through all of my days,
You keep me numb to the pain,
When I'm lonely,
When I'm calling out,
Scream for a friend,
You always hear a sound,
Keep me happy,
Keep me happy now,
When all the world around,
Crumbles to the ground,
Crumbles to the ground,
You keep me calm when I'm not fine,
You take the pressure off my mind,
And even though I don't see clear,
I feel safe cause you're here,
When I'm lonely,
When I'm calling out,
Scream for a friend,
You always hear a sound
Keep me happy,
Keep me happy now,
When all the world around,
Crumbles to the ground,
Crumbles to the ground,
Am I too fucked up,
To really see (to really see)
You're the best friend, that's killing me (that's killing me)
You get me through all of my days,
You keep me numb to the pain,
When I'm lonely,
When I'm calling out,
Scream for a friend,
You always hear a sound,
Keep me happy,
Keep me happy now,
When all the world around,
Crumbles to the ground,
Crumbles to the ground,
Crumbles to the ground,
Crumbles to the ground...
(To the Ground- S.E.S.)
I let out a sigh as I held out the last chord, my mind in a haze, as it has been the last couple of months, I don't even know what my thoughts are on the whole thing, I don't think my brain is allowing me to deal with it. Like it is just too much to think about, that dealing with the issue at this point just isn't an option.
"Are you really that fucking depressed?"
I whirled around on the bed so fast I actually fell to the floor with a loud 'Eep!' and a louder thud. Luckily I had set the guitar to the side already.
"Excuse me?" I said hesitantly towards an annoyed looking Edward.
"You have been lurking around the past several months in a haze, and I have been doing everything fucking possible to get you to open up, to get you out of this funk you have been stuck in day after day, and nothing is fucking helping. What the fuck is wrong with you?"
This time, he was livid, but not nearly as livid as me.
"Excuse me!" I practically screamed with astonishment. "Where the fuck do you get off talking to me like that? Yeah, I'm going through some shit right now, it was bound to happen sometime, and I would like to know what is wrong with me just as much as you fucking would! If I knew I would fucking tell you believe me, but I don't! My mind is so fucking frazzled right now! I can't deal with everything, it's finally all settling in and I don't know how to react!"
"What do you mean 'it's finally all settling in'?" Edward asked with exasperation.
"Oh, well I dunno, let's see. I'm fifteen fucking years old, and I have been adopted by my boyfriend's parents, because my psycho bitch mother tried to fucking kill me and my dad didn't seem to give a shit. Then add in they didn't blink an eye when your father's lawyers placed the paperwork in front of them, they just signed like the fucking losers that they are.
Then there is the fact that I'm living here with you, like were married or some shit, and did I mention I'm fifteen! I love you don't get me wrong, but do you realize we still have nearly three years before we could even legally get married, even though doing that right out of high school would probably be completely foolish, but I feel like until then we're stuck, there's nowhere further we can go! We're already in as deep as possible.
It happened so fast, I mean we are still freshmen, and still have three years of high school and college, but when I think about my feelings for you, all I can think about is how I wish we were less than a month from graduation instead of from the end of freshman year, so that I can start a life with you, and being as we are let me say this again FIFTEEN that is beyond scary to me!
So yeah, I've been acting a little fucked up and zombie like lately, but that is because I don't know where to go with all of this, okay, I feel trapped. No, not trapped, but frozen. I feel like time is moving as slow as possible and it makes me just want to scream at the top of my lungs, because we need to keep building and building up and there's just no more room left in the sky for us to build.
Do you understand that? Do you get where I'm coming from, because I'm kind of drowning here," I was sobbing and gasping and was starting to get lightheaded, when I felt his arms circle around my waste, and pull me close to his body, but my breath was coming faster and faster until the whirling room became black empty space, and all I could here was the pounding in my head, and the beating of my heart.
EPOV
I stood in the doorway, listening as her beautiful voice curled around those words, words that spoke to me more than I thought they ever could, but the sadness in her eyes is what did me in. I just couldn't deal with the sadness any longer, the longer I listened to her playing, to her voice, the more annoyed I got. I could feel the depression coming off her in waves and that pissed me off so much, because over the months I had been working so hard to give her everything she might need or want. To give her the love she hadn't received from her parent's home, because no matter how much she downplayed and acted like whatever her parents did didn't matter, they did. More than she could control. She was letting this sadness own her, and I wouldn't let it anymore, so I snapped, and when I did, she did, and when she did she was fucking gone.
I listened intently to her whole rant, and I understood, boy did I understand. We were fifteen, and most days it took a lot for me to hold back from murmuring to her to simply marry me and make me the happiest man in the world, but that was the problem. I wasn't a man, I couldn't get married, and I was in fact a fifteen almost sixteen year old.
A boy who was so deeply in love already, that thought he had his whole life in perspective at the age of fifteen. I knew for a fact that Bella was my whole life, that I would marry her, and we would have children together, but not until we finished college. I thought maybe I would teach music, and hopefully she would major in something that would allow her to write, because she was fucking great at it, but looking at time spans, high school to college graduation that alone left us to at least seven years in the making, if not more.
Seven years, seven long years before I could respectfully and realistically make Bella my wife, and that sickened me, because seven days wasn't soon enough, seven months was excruciating, seven years was just fucking impossible.
I wanted to tear my hair out, I knew where she was coming from, but she had this so much worse than me, because all she wanted was someone to love, and someone to love her back, and though we had that, it just wasn't enough, because it wasn't permanent, though I was starting to wonder if even marriage was permanent enough for her.
I was thinking, not because a parent-child bond should be the most permanent bond there is, but her parents just gave her away, just threw that bond out, and my parents swooped in and gave her a new bond, but in her mind, what made that bond any more permanent than the first? Marriage, it could end in divorce so unless I literally sewed my hip to her hip with unbreakable thread, she would never believe in the words permanent, or forever.
She was lost, and I understood that, I just didn't know how to fix it, and then something happened.
She stopped her screaming at me, and her voice became pleading, pleading with me to understand, for me to not give up, for me to be the permanence no matter how lost she became, and so I pulled her into my arms to show her that no matter how much she screamed and fought to keep me away, that I wasn't going anywhere.
I was shushing her, caressing her hair and loving her, and she was breathing so fast and so hard until her head started to lull and her eyes became unfocused, and then she when limp in my arms, and I panicked, because we had been through so much, but generally when she passed out, there was a really fucking good reason, so I did the first thing that came to mind...
"DAD! DAD COME QUICK! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!" I screamed as I pulled Bella into my arms as I stood and ran down the hallway to the stairs leading to the second story. He was halfway up the first story stairs when I got to the landing, and he ran faster when he saw Bella in my arms.
"What's wrong son, what happened?" Carlisle asked me urgently.
"We were arguing and she was screaming, then crying and breathing so hard and I was holding her and her eyes were moving around and her head was lulling and she passed out," I said in a rush, stuttering my way through the whole thing, trying to keep my sobs in and not act like such a fucking Emo girl, even though we all knew that I pretty much was.
"Sounds like she had a panic attack, here lets go lay her on the couch in my office, I'll check all her vitals again once we're in there," he said as he took Bella from my arms and carried her to the office.
"Edward, once I'm sure she's okay, I'm going to need you to tell me what you were arguing about," Carlisle said softly.
"It's not important, not anymore," I said quietly, ashamed that I snapped at her, knowing she had been through a lot this year.
"Yes Edward, it is. If she starts having panic attacks regularly, I'm going to have to prescribe her an inhaler, and probably some anxiety medication, and she might need to talk to a ther-" he started to say therapist but I cut him off not wanting to hear it.
"She doesn't need a therapist dad! She's not crazy she's just been through a lot, okay," I pleaded with him.
"Edward, I know she's not crazy, that's not why she should see a therapist, I should have insisted she see one after the ordeal with her parents. People who have been through traumatic experiences like Bella's having, need to see therapist just to talk it all out. Therapists can point out the proper perspective and provide the clarity she needs to understand all of what has happened and to cope with it. They aren't going to diagnose her with a mental illness, nor will they prescribe her for any medications, they will just listen to her, and give her the reassurance and support she needs."
"I...not...you...can't...no...fucking...way," I heard mumble from Bella.
"Um, what the fuck did you just say, Bella?" I asked with a slight smirk.
Her lashes fluttered a little bit, before her eyes opened and she tried to look at me or actually I think it was an attempt at a glare.
"I said, 'I'm not going to a therapist, you can't make me. There is no fucking way.'," Bella said it the most vulnerable fucking voice I have ever heard her use.
"Bella, you need to talk to someone about everything that has happened, it's affecting your health now, and that is where I draw the line," Carlisle said gently.
"I'm fine Carlisle, really. I just got upset, I promise it was nothing, just a little overreaction," Bella pleaded.
"Bella, I will only let this slide once, if you have any episode like that at all, you will be going," Carlisle said sternly.
Bella nodded her consent, with an agitated sigh.
BPOV
My freshman year ended a week ago, and I was going kind of stir crazy, so I did something. I walked into Newton's, took down the 'Help Wanted' sign, walked up to the register, where Mrs. Newton was reading a magazine, and said, 'I'll take it!' She laughed gently, nodded and told me to meet her that Monday at 8am to start my first shift.
I woke up this morning at six took my shower, ate breakfast, and was heading out the door when Edward stopped me.
"Where are you off to so early?" he asked with a lazy smile.
"Um, work?" I said shyly.
His eyebrows rose, and then he looked to see if I was lying. When he was satisfied that I was telling the truth, he proceeded.
"Work?" he questioned.
"Yes, I took the cashier job at Newton's, I needed something to do this summer," I said, as I set my chin high, and waited for a rebuttal. Edward scratched the back of his head, and nodded.
"Um, okay. What time do you get off?" he asked, resigned.
"Um, I believe she told me four, so I should be home by around four-thirty? Yeah, something like that. I've gotta head out or I'll be late. See you later, bye," I finished by kissing him soundly on the cheek and skipping out the door.
The day at work wasn't so bad; it was a pretty basic job. Scan the items, keep items stocked and restock purchased items, simple. Around four o'clock, Mrs. Newton relieved me of my position, and told me she'd see me back here tomorrow, I shed my apron, and left for home.
"How was your first day?" Edward asked as soon as I walked through the door.
I shrugged, "Pretty basic, it's a rather easy job," I said with a nod.
"I, uh, know this sounds lame, but I missed you today," Edward said timidly.
"I missed you, too baby," I said as a wrapped my arms around his neck, and kissed him soundly.
Edward deepened the kiss before releasing me and pulling me up the stairs.
I followed and as soon as we made it to our room, I shut and locked the door. I pulled my shirt over my head and unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans before easing them down my legs. I backed up until I sat on the bed, and pulled my self to the middle. I was leaned back on my elbows, my knees up and together, before I slowly dropped them apart, and took my left hand to rub my clit through my panties.
Edward was standing there mouth agape, as I waited for him to make the next move. He quickly shed his shirt and pants before crawling up between my legs and resting his chest atop of mine.
His hand made its way to mine, before linking our fingers together beside my head. 'I love you' he said looking into my eyes, then capturing my lips with his own. He broke apart, but only long enough to murmur, "God, Bella, it's been months," and descending his lips down my jaw and towards my throat.
And it had been months.
We hadn't had actual intercourse since, oh...late February? Yeah, late February. I couldn't help but feel ashamed, for I knew it was completely my fault.
Before I could make any commentary though, an agitated yell made its way up the stairs and through our door.
"Edward! Come here a minute, now please!" Esme the ever polite, mother trilled.
Edward sighed and regretfully pulled his body away from mine.
"I'll be right back, baby," he murmured with a chaste kiss to my lips, followed by my nod of consent.
He slipped his jeans on and grabbed his shirt, putting it on as he closed the door behind him. As I was laying there, contemplating, why I was questioning him, when he had never given me any reason to, when all I wanted was to love him, and live this life as best as I possibly could, his phone went off. Sounding the tone he had set for a text, I grabbed the phone before it could vibrate off the night stand.
I was just getting ready to silence it, when I saw the name flash across the screen.
Lauren? What the fuck? My mind was racing, and terribly confused. What the hell was Lauren doing texting Edward? I hated that bitch and he knew it. I actually thought he hated her, too.
So I opened the phone.
Heard u were lookin 4 sum bhind the scenes play...Bella not givin u any?..im game...Free this weekend. Hit me up! ~L~ xoxo
I saw red.
A/N:
Chapter 9: Fight, Flight, or Front... Playlist
Anything But Ordinary- Avril Lavigne
Pain- Jimmy Eat World
Hysteria- Muse
To the Ground- Smile Empty Soul
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I hope you continue to read.
3 CkK