TRIGGER WARNING: TALK OF (BUT NOT ACTUAL, OR PLANNIG OF) SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK?
AN: Hello readers, as you might have guessed, for the summer months, every chapter will be a month. That being said, I'm postponing what I was going to write (July) in favor of addressing an important issue. Self-harm. Now, I myself have never self-harmed but I do have a friend who has done it before. And it accomplishes nothing but making you- and the people around you- more miserable. DO NOT SELF HARM. LIVE.
Sam will not self-harm or commit suicide in this story (or in any story of mine), but she will talk about the subject. In case this wasn't obvious, I DO NOT ENCOURAGE SELF HARMING OR SUICIDE… and neither does Sam. But, I guess I have to put a TRIGGER WARNING or something on this because it will be mentioned.
SELF-HARMING AND SUICIDE NOT ONLY HURT YOURSELF, BUT THEY HURT THOSE AROUND YOU. IT IS TRULY A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION.
Enjoy?
Friday, June 29th:
My mom keeps telling me how all of life is choices. That I'm at the point in my life where my choices define me. The age of accountability. She makes it sound like I'm a fence, one wrong choice and I'm down in the dumps, and one right choice and I take another step towards the edge of the fence- towards death. But really, with every right step only comes the obligation to make another right step. Its either be perfect for the rest of my life or make one mistake and mess up my entire life.
Honestly, it kinda scares me. What if becoming a Goth makes me truly apathetic, and I become the Hitler of the future World War III? (AN: I don't support Hitler either, FYI) One mistake and I end up killing and hurting tons of people? But then my parents' idea of perfect is a lady in a pretty pink dress who is optimistic and kind.
But what if I'm already hurting tons of people? What if my sarcastic comments are slowly wearing people down? What if they take my insults to heart?
Nah, no one really cares what I say. Or what I do. Or about me at all. They never have and never will. Dang, now I sound like a basket case. The usual self-harming teen. But I don't self harm, and I'm eleven years old!
Besides, I've reconciled myself to no one caring. Okay, now I'm just lying. Everyone has SOMEONE who cares for them; and I've got my grandma. Besides, I don't care about those people, so why should they care about me? Expecting them to care about me when I don't care about them is hypocritical.
I don't get self-harm. Maybe it's because, like I said, I'm only eleven, and nothing truly terrible has happened in my life yet. I don't get bullied (just ignored), I'm happy with who I am (possibly a little too much) and what I look like (minus the clothes my parents make me wear). So it's understandable that I don't get self-harm. But even realizing some of the crap people go through, I still don't get why people self-harm.
Maybe it's just me. I've said before that I'm not afraid of death (although I'm not suicidal either. I'm not afraid of death, but life is WAYYYYY better.) but I'm afraid of painful life. And being the cause of something I'm afraid of happening to me is terrifying. The closet I'll ever get to purposely hurting myself is the occasional head bang on the wall.
Maybe people self-harm because they need to feel numb. I know that if I bang my head on a wall a few times (when I'm especially frustrated) I feel a little numb. But that's just be because of a mini concussion. I get how you would feel numb from a mini concussion (I couldn't think), but slitting your wrists? How does that make you numb? I think it'd sting. Bad.
And why are people suicidal? I've seen stuff online: "I have nothing to live for!" I want to just scream at them! Ask them, "And what do you have to die for?" You die, you're done. Gone from this world, its game over for you. At least when you're alive there is hope for a better day. There is no hope when you're dead, BECAUSE YOU'RE FREAKING DEAD.
Suicide is selfish. The way I see it, when you can't live anymore for yourself, when you yourself have no reason to live, you have to live for others. You have to live because others don't want you dead. You have to live because if you die, you leave someone else lonely. When you have no reason to live anymore, then it's not about you anymore. It's about others.
But then, that's me talking. Selfish Sam. Hypocrite Sam.
But you know what? I'm going to be selfish if one of my friends (not that I have very many, but I'm hoping that with a new school, I'll find one) wants to commit suicide. I'm going to be so selfish that I want my friend so badly that I won't let them leave me. They don't get a choice. They're staying.
Why should you live?
You should live for tomorrow morning,
You should live for your favorite food.
You should live to hear your favorite song again
Or maybe to make a new friend.
That was cliché.
But you should live through today.
You should live so you can see the summer
You should live so you can cuddle up during the winter.
You should live so you can see the sun rise,
You should live so you can watch the stars at night.
You should live for what and whom you love
You should live for your family.
You should live for those who love you.
So you should live for me.
Okay, that was probably one of the best poems I've ever written. And now I'm bragging.
Till next time,
Sam.
AN: I hope you guys enjoyed(?). Remember to leave a review- they are appreciated. IF YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING… PM ME. I've been lonely…..
See ya in a little while with a hopefully happy chapter,
INSANITYISCLARITY