This chapter has a major warning. So again, I repeat myself: This fan fiction requires adult readers. I encourage all underage readers to leave. Imagine youtube asking for your account and to register when censoring mature content. Skip this chapter. You are warned. All other readers: you will find sexual content, and rape. If you do not want to stumble with these items and something terribly crude, do not continue. Please do not flame, you've been warned...What's to come is sad. And it happens. This was horribly difficult to write...
CHAPTER 10: x Void x
I...must...go on standing
You can't break that which isn't yours
I...must...go on standing
I'm not my own
Its not my choice...
Time crawls on your skin, so sick, so sick, its ghostly fingers around your throat. Almost deaf to your heartbeat, you pass the time. You decide to list the rules of poker. You do not mind the ticking of the clock, it tics, it tocs, it ticks, it talks. You just feel the weight of your body against the bed, while you chant inside your head, all is fine, fine, fine. But then, you imagine fortune's time: a swinging pendulum, a scythe. A scythe hanging from the ceiling, it goes slicing, it is slicing- it is slicing you in half, half past midnight, half past midair, half past mirror you in half, so you list the rules of Black Jack, jack of all trades going tic-tac, now you are listing the rules backwards, you can run but you can't backtrack- You can not, you can't, you can't. You count your heartbeat, count your breaths, your too loud breaths, and you do it, you last another minute, in the dark.
A final side glance and its 00:15 pm.
To sit up drowsily. To walk to the door silently.
To turn the door's knob without making a sound.
To turn back one last time. Take one last glance of the sleeping boy you're leaving behind.
He still had fifteen minutes.
He searched lazily for a song to hum inside his head.
His steps where soundless. As if they had no owner. What was it that Senritsu called it? Estinto?
"Now I understand why Kurapica trusts you. You've got the softest steps I've ever heard. Truly an assassin"
Kurapica was wrong to trust him.
He crossed the lonely halls reaching the deck, that almost glowed, white-washed in the moon's light, arching the cruise's magnificence. In other occasion it would have been peaceful...The given situation lined them like the walkways of a graveyard.
Out there, the sea was a spoonful holding the firmament.
He grinned bitterly.
All was void of sound and meaning. It held no beauty. If somewhat, a little cruelty. It was inviting
His hands took him to the known handrail…Where some idle day Gon had spent hours upside down, trying to reach for the water unsuccessfully…
Ki-llu-aaa. He would call up, extending the vowels.
The boy had flopped beside Gon, upside down as well. And he'd reached the water with the tip of his fingers easily. Gon had been annoyed at this. The night breeze now played with some strands of his hair. Distracted, he'd peered down the edge.
He'd caught a boy staring up from the dark waters. As if from a well.
And that a reflection held no answers.
In the same way that the cold canvas of scenery beheld him in mute silence.
No meaning.
He shook his dark thoughts away. He was wasting time yet he wasn't moving. Where was it? Where was his determination? To remind himself again. And again. And again. As if chanting a mantra.
But he found it. And it was somewhat soothing.
Peaceful night for you Freecs.
He yearned for Gon's frame of mind right now, being the optimistic one. Or maybe he just wished he could pour inside his head a silence resembling the one outside. But he was going to fight Illumi. He was. He had to. So he was. That should be a bit satisfying. No?
He walked down the stairs. Tap tap tap.
Suddenly not thinking any more.
Suddenly not even feeling dread. He crossed the spot where Illumi had pushed him against the wall and he'd fallen to the floor. And he felt nothing. Emptiness.
Good. He'd began wondering when had he become so weak to pain.
Killua turned the corner. Where he stared at the last dark hall. Three steps and he would be in front of the door. He felt his own Nen flowing- a faint layer blanketing him in warmth, activated since he left Gon's room. Nothing was impeding him from using it.
He would give a fight.
And he was stalling, outside that door.
He had already calculated all the possible different outcomes. He'd checked them and double checked.
His watch itched against his skin.
00:00
"Killua! What are you thinking?!"
Gon stood up, his fist clenched. They were in front of Nobunaga, trapped in a room at the spiders den. Only some candles lit the chamber.
Killua sighed heavily...It was a matter of time.
And he took another step forward.
That was why it made sense. 'You can't' Illumi had said-but he could. He could-he could-he would-
"Shut up!" - Killua yelled as if to himself but in answer to Nobunaga's laughter. "If we don't try, we'll never know!"
That stopped Nobunaga's good humour short.
"Maybe it'll cost my life but I'll manage to stop his sword, Gon. You'll use that moment to escape" He felt the determination seize his will into a void. He was ready to kill and die. He took a step forward.
WHAM
Gon had punched him.
"ARE YOU CRAZY!" Killua had turned swiftly to grab the green collar enraged
"YOU'RE THE ONE CRAZY!" Gon yelled grabbing Killua's shirt as well, and Killua had to refrain himself from punching him.
"LET GO OFF ME YOU IDIOT-"
"YOU'RE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME NOT TO TALK SO EASILY OF DYING!" Gon yelled crossly, shaking his head furious.
"...What?"
"IT'S ALL THE SAME TO ME IF I DIE BUT NOT YOU! You're forbidden to die!" The raven boy glared in rage.
"WHAT? THAT'S STUPID"
"THEN I AM STUPID" Gon stomped the ground
Nobunaga exploded in laughter.
"Ah! You're funny!"
...
...They weren't.
...
Something had been shaken inside him, that precise moment. At the end they had been able to escape. Safe and sound, both of them, running together. They'd managed to return to Leorio.
That was the first time Killua tasted cheap beer...
You never forget first times.
00:00
Killua opened the door. He began an immediate data recollection.
The lights were off. He could make out a table, some chairs, a bed, all untouched. He registered without surprise the hand that rested casually on his shoulder from behind.
"Brother" He whispered.
"Killua" He was answered.
The silence only magnified his speeding heartbeat. Long dark hair slid to his shoulder
"So... obedient. Not far from a trained dog." He whispered "Not far from a puppet...My puppet"
Swift as a snake Killua turned, summoning electricity to his palm. Illumi managed to grasp his forearm barely.
With exasperation Killua realised that in that small interaction he'd somehow been forced into Zetsu. Illumi's iron fingers clasped his arm over his head. He felt the pain detachedly, as he wondered when had it happened. He ran calculations in demisecs to no avail- Time was precious- he had to verify if attacks from afar would work. But he wasn't able to move.
A sense of claustrophobia, of loosing control, complete control, hit him. Illumi observed him from his height. Under his eyes, he became nothing. Killua closed his eyes. And he relaxed, falling limply to the front, resting against the elder. He waited. Without moving. Breathing against that chest.
Amused, Illumi lifted Killua's chin as his grasp loosened.
His dark bottomless eyes-
-Killua chancily jumped backwards,and took distance. Hah, he'd fallen.
No-oh, sir, he wouldn't give up. No submission today, there was still hope this night, he wouldn't be the doe-eyed and sad one, the defeated one, he would rely on speed, he would rely on what he'd learned with Gon, and at the moment he was skipping and disappearing in the shadows to attack. He tried to summon electricity-all in half a millisecond -
Dizziness struck him. Hard. He stumbled to the ground, suddenly all his limbs weighing a ton. Why at room's distance was he was still cast in zetsu?. He cursed under his breath, high on adrenaline at the lack of control- and he didn't - he didn't understand. How?how! complete Zetsu. No, it was more than that. It was as if Illumi was draining all of his energy, while remaining chillingly still at the corner of the door.
The ink black stare followed his every thought with amusement. Alarms began ringing inside his head. He had fallen to his knees without meaning too. Something heavy and invisible was crushing him to the floor. He felt his hands clenching into fists at the strength of his intent to run. There was a lump at his throat that he would not swallow.
The elder had approached him slowly. He gently lifted the boy as if a marionette.
Swift as a snake, Killua recoiled swiftly, to sink his clawed hand.
He was fast enough to draw blood before his wrist was caught. Oh, but Killua was expecting that. In a twist to his own arm, the pocket knife he carried on his left hand, sharper than any claws, flashed silver into the elder's chest aimed to kill.
He was snapped into immobility.
Illumi stared at him. His long pale fingers held an iron grip around his own small wrist, the wrist that held the weapon a millimetre away from Illumi's chest. Slowly twisting. Inflicting such pain. The boy still didn't let go of the pocket knife. He fought with all his might, trying to sink that blade, useless as it may have seemed... Illumi tossed the pocket knife away. His eyes posed again on the younger boy. And Killua couldn't help but agree. It had felt pathetic.
"...Hadda try" Killua tilted an empty expression.
The pale boy felt the draining of energy loosening its coil around his body. And then eerily, Illumi caressed the loose silver strands that framed his face.
"To kill me?"
With empty eyes Killua assented.
And as the man tossed him to the floor, Killua acknowledged, with a familiar sinking feeling, that nothing had escaped his own predictions.
He hit the ground. Those pitch black eyes beheld him. And he felt dead. Just dead. Nothing more, nothing less. He wasn't even aiming for a scream or anything. He focused on the ceiling when Illumi began to unbutton his shirt.
"I missed you Killua." A hushed tone, more akin to control than to emotion. "I've been condescending. I've let you wonder out into the world for quite some time" A murmur against his neck - Oh and there he was thinking his freedom was his own achievement. He closed his eyes. Remember they are just words. Remember they are just - ugh -a mouth was kissing him, a mouth was opening his lips- unresponsive lips. And the ceiling. That hand trailing down there, the unzipping of pants.
He held his breath.
It abruptly stopped. The elder stood up. Killua lay on the ground.
As seconds passed and nothing came, not a punch, not a threat, Killua raised his gaze to his elder brother.
Illumi's high eyes were...dissatisfied. He had the stance of someone appreciating a work of art. And being utterly displeased.
No, it was darker than that.
Disgust.
He was disgusted. Somehow it was an expression, an infinitesimal expression, maybe imagined and somehow burning, that regrettably stuck to his mind. Those dark eyes in disgust. He stared at him in fascination and revulsion, almost as if speaking Oh tell me Kills when was it that all just turned to paperwork?
Killua was lifted effortlessly by his PJ's and tossed to the bed. He felt the weight pressing him down.
"You are smart Killua. That I can concede you" The haunting monotone felt slimy against his skin. The words were defining him."You are aware a snap of my fingers back at home would have gotten me better services." He murmured faintly "Undoubtedly sparing me off this hunt." On those dark eyes he saw his own reflection, a familiar one: a boy staring up from a well.
"Tell me Killua, why am I here." His hand softly traced patterns down Killua's neck. "Tell me, answer with precision and I let you go unscathed." Illumi observed with fascination.
Silence. His head was cast to one side, his left cheek against the blanket, the pale skin of his wrist in front of him.
"Answer"
"...You want sex." Killua barely whispered .
"...Wrong"
Killua slowly looked up confused. Illumi lowered himself to the boy's ears.
"Sex is not the reason I returned...even sex dolls seem to enact it better than you."
"Sorry. It's all I've got in stock".
He felt the sting on his cheek reach his skull to the side. He'd been slapped with moderate force. It wasn't what he said. It was that he'd answered.
When he looked up, he met with defiance Illumi's patient expression…Severity and observation, morbid observation, the same one he bore when training. His weight made it more difficult to breathe.
"Killua" He spoke impassive "Little brother...I know you completely. You know I can make you feel pain. I can blind you." With two fingers he raised his chin gently "I can leave you deaf. I can leave you impaired for life. I can kill you... You know I have that power." His stare was hollow and intense, his weight pressing him against the mattress. "You should bear in mind that every second I don't do so, I'm exercising my free will." His voice lowered as a knee pressed to his chest. Killua felt certain calming clarity.
"Then do so." He looked up. Illumi observed him silent. Killua bit his lip, raising his head from the bed, defiant.
"Kill me, Illumi. Bury me in a shallow grave. Kill me..." There was a silence... And in that silence a petition...
Something in the pitch black eyes softened. Killua looked away.
"Killua" Illumi whispered his name against his skin. "You've got things in the wrong order." He faintly murmured, as he placed his weight over the boy.
"I'm just waiting for you to come back" Illumi spoke deeply. Killua's heart was suddenly racing, but he closed his eyes to achieve numbness again. Illumi's tilted his head and Killua was struck again. A flare of pain, his ribs- he was left breathless. He was being beaten. And Illumi was observing him, drinking his reactions, feeding on the pain he caused, as if trying to awaken him.
But Killua felt...dead. So dead and gone. In the old days Illumi would do that- wouldn't he- Let's go poking needles up and down the dummy dolls, let's melt them, let's probe where it hurts, let's cut flesh to see what happens- let's see what lies underneath chaffed skin-the morbid curiosity- And him lying there, always lying there, waiting for it to finish... and the other part to start.
...Illumi's aura enveloped him sickly….a surpassing possessiveness against his skin.
He felt pain waving. He endured. He always endured.
A murmur against his neck.
"I'm here because you were starting to believe your lie, little Killua..."
Other less trained would have shivered at that name. He felt the unease creeping up his chest as he tried to refrain from showing anything.
"It is fascinating...how flawlessly you are able to do it. When did you get so arrogant?" Illumi loosened the grasp of his arm to unbutton slowly the rest of his shirt. He observed the pale collarbone exposed.
"An uncanny ability to feed from your own lies, for sustained periods of time...To believe the lie of a life you're carrying... yet again" Hate. Blazing hate. Black words, each one of them aimed at owning him-
But then words were always distractions. Killua immediately detected the one-second opening.
He yanked away his arms , seeing his narrow chance immediately, gaining momentum with his legs.
Run.
He was caught and turned violently -then punched on his back, Illumi now holding him still with his knee. He was smothered against the mattress. There was too much information to process in one second. First, openings existed, rare, almost non-existent, but if they existed, there could be an escape, there could be-hope; 'd been tested, he was being tested and he'd just failed- he felt his pijama top being torn in two tries, the sick sound of cloth tearing- Three- He'd spurred the ire- he'd gone and thrown himself as wood to the fire and Illumi's voice was now reaching him very very low.
"You were such a fast learner... such a promise." A faint murmur, almost inaudible. Sharp pain. It travelled through his spine, he observed removed. He felt claws bury down the skin of his back and his breath hitched. Illumi lifted his head by yanking his hair. His mind chanted it's just pain, remember, it's just pain, its just.
"Beg"
Now beg your way out.
Killua shook his head, mute. He would not. His head was pushed into the mattress. He could not breathe- he could not breathe, as he was kept there. Seconds later he was yanked again from his hair.
"Beg Killua"
"No" He tried to whip his head away.
Once, not long ago, he could follow orders without question...To feign, comply, submit, tainted as ever, dirty, filthy... He'd always been. The painful fact was burnt, drilled into his brain. But now... he couldn't do what Illumi wanted. He couldn't. He had...he had something he cared for under lock and he'd tossed away the key. He was not dead as he'd been before- he couldn't submit - he couldn't anymore. He needed to breathe-
Suddenly , from the corner of his eye he saw Illumi retrieving the pocket knife. Before he knew it he felt a line of pain down his back. He heard himself grunting before shutting his lips tight.
The pain, it rose and fell. It was just another torture session.
The man read displeased his expression- could he tell he was far gone? Killua sensed the tip of that blade again, now at the small of his back, small strokes of cold pain, and the boy realised he was being written something.
"Feeling creative…" Killua was unable to hide the thickness in his voice. Illumi was writing. That meant his attention was diverted. Killua swiftly clawed his hand.
Pain blinded his world. He registered he now had a dislocated wrist. It been caught and twisted viciously.
Killua closed his eyes, biting his lip. No, that pain would not reach his eyes, he wouldn't allow it-but Bastard he wasn't a fucking farm animal to be branded – He wasn't- He wasn't- What was he anyway? He couldn't fight- He couldn't-
The boy used his own knee against the mattress to flip over. As he did so, in a wrong move, the blade on Illumi's hand sank deep on his right hip. In slow motion he felt it hit and dent the bone.
Illumi was startled.
In delay Killua felt the blinding pain, like a scalding needle to a raw nerve up his spine. He gasped. Immediate wetness against his skin, red drenching the blanket . He felt faint.
Switch.
Dead again.
Automatically, all endurance and self-control were summoned to hold the numbness, the walls. He felt the dizziness reach his head in a rush… Blood on his back, on his waist, on the bed, it pulsed up his spine, the pain. And he…
He actually grinned feeling the irony…
The pain it… it just augmented that desire that was eating him from inside. Non existence-yes, non existence being a void so much preferable than the one in those eyes.
Please let it stop.
He could read in Illumi's eyes surprise. Then lust. The strong aura rising, smothering as his hands were pinned.
"You are the one that brings this onto yourself brother. It's as if you still, still don't understand". He was pressing himself down the smaller body, cherishing the control.
"You do this as if you were making me a favor." Illumi seemed to chant faintly "You oppose defiance as if something was in your control. When in truth, you have none. When in truth I'm just putting things in the right place" He hummed against his skin. "It's for your own good..." His hand covered the wound at his waist, as if to stop the bleeding. The boy remained expressionless, slightly trembling at the strain it took to endure against those void eyes, were all light was extinguished by an abyss. He fought back the childhood terror. As Illumi shortened the distance to his navel, searching intently the boy's reaction.
"You're doing me no favor. I've had better than you. " The man spoke against his skin, the boy felt his lips kissing his belly, and his words became barely audible "Actually, now I'm dying to do this to an actual virgin. The son of a formidable hunter...Someone innocent for a change. That could be enticing..."
His heart stopped.
He's just taunting. He is.
Illumi's lips traced a path downward.
...And he let him...
"You missed this"
He didn't.
"Yet I could bet" Illumi whispered "You would want to do it yourself on him first uh?"
Killua kicked violently. Not Gon, not here.
But that voice continued to drip black words. "Don't you want to mark him as your property? The problem is that I'm doing now the exact thing here..."
He heard from afar. They were opening his legs.
"Things you won't be able to undo."
A lack of air in his lungs as meanings piled like stones over his rising and falling chest, making it hard to breathe. His brain was getting tired of dismantling truth from not- dismantling truth from not, real from not real, and then the to feel or not to feel-
"I'll be priceless when I try him for the first-"
"I'll kill you"
Killua didn't recognize his voice. For a second the boy thought he would be struck again. Illumi observed him silent.
"Why haven't you already Killua?"
Silence
"I'll have a wild guess here." Killua felt his pijama bottoms being lowered. Then bitterness up his throat. His inability to move, to speak.
"It's either 'because you can't…" His lower navel was exposed. "Or because you like this...Stop kicking Killua"
Toneless command, then a hit to the boy's chest that cut Killua's breath.
And he felt it so vividly.
As he thought he would never feel like this again, the unearthing, the resurfacing of that blazing hate, go on, he thought, have the rest, the vulture over the ruined meat, the awareness of his exposed body cutting clear as he felt the elder's hand grazing his thigh… He wouldn't mess with his mind. And yet Illumi chuckled, as if reading the boy's gaze.
"I know you brother. Entirely." Soul-less eyes dissecting Killua's very soul "Because I made you into what you are."
"No." A knife-edged syllable, marking a limit.
"You might try to deny it...I once did myself. But you are the cold-blooded killer I trained Killua. The best assassin the family has given." His voice was low...
"No." Not any more.
"…And mine" Illumi's aura rose in lust, swallowing him, as his voice lowered "I created you. All those machines connected to your body." Illumi took eager the boy's elbows, where once he'd adjusted the electric wires "All the people I forced you to kill until you liked the business on your own-"
"NO" he felt again that scorching-white hate burning his lungs. "NO-NO-NO"
"YES" Illumi spoke almost breathless, savouring each word, inking the truth with the pocket knife. Killua braced himself- Illumi was cutting a line down his from his navel to the hem of his boxers.
He heard himself hissing. Actually feeling the searing blade against his skin. No. No. NO -
"Imagine what would Gon think if he saw you begging. Why don't we build that scenario" He felt Illumi's nails grazing the wound. And a leap of pain. Those eyes burning into his.
"Because you want someone to touch you like I do"
"NO"
"It's too sad that the one who you want is too naïve to do so-"
"YOU LEAVE GON OUT OF THIS ILLUMI OR I'LL-" Killua felt the flaring rage, knowing he'd crossed a boundary just by calling him by his name, and Illumi stuck a finger to his wound and he howled in pain. while he heard through the rush-
"You don't get to say what gets done Killua. But don't worry I'll teach him soon, he'll like it as you di-"
Killua managed to lift his arm against him, his hand a claw swift against his neck. "You'll be dead before you try"
It was surprising. He held his killer hand against Illumi's just above his carotid artery for a second in shock.
But he hesitated. And this time he heard the loud crunch. Illumi's hand moved swiftly over his mouth to muffle the scream, as the world turned to blinding white and his mind screeched in scorching pain. Illumi pressed the wrist strongly prolonging the affliction around what was mashed bone, observing the boy's expression, wide bottomless eyes. Close your eyes- endure- He had to endure. He had to endure. But the man trailed down with his other hand...lower enough to touch Killua there over his boxers, his pants unzipped.
Time stopped.
"I can imagine Gon's face"
He wrapped his hand around Killua
"No..." his voice was just a whisper as he shifted to avoid it. Don't. Please. No. Not this.
"What? You said please Gon." He murmured mocking
"No, no no no no no NO NO! NO!" A wave of nausea hit him. Gon could not be here present, not on the conversation, not on this shit show. But the man's words seemed to rob his voice away.
"You were the one that came here like an obedient stray, just like my beloved little puppet of old" He was being touched and he felt something breaking inside of him. He tried to shift away, and received a fierce cut over the first one but deeper. The searing pain had hima arching his back and he gasped in pain.
A rush of connection to his body hit him, like lighting up an electricity panel- He felt the pain- the bruises, the cuts, the broken bone, and the connection threatened to overcome him. Illumi grazed with his mouth below his navel, nearing there, tracing the cut.. And he tried not to listen, not to break, not to throw up, not to feel, and a knot closed his throat… a knot that had no relation to the pain but …somehow to...Gon's image...
Ki-llu-aaa
"Stop kicking " Illumi held his knees with strength to stop his thrashing, opening them to allow-
"NO" he kicked him and fought- He didn't want this...Escape.
"Then things will go faster." He was pushed down the bed. He felt against his skin a black hunger that devoured, him, a hand over his lips, then a mouth against his own-Nggh- Killua tried breathing but Illumi forced open the boy's mouth. Lips kissing him. He forcefully focused on something else. His mind took him to the blood on his back, the faintness, he was losing blood from the gash. He focused on the faint beat of the wound pulsing up his spine. For it was better to focus on that pain than...When He parted his lips and left for his neck, Killua finally was allowed to breathe, and did so messily, but a finger was introduced into his mouth. He tasted blood.
"So you like it Killua? Your blood?" But before he could react, his jaw was opened gripped tighlty and lifted. It was opened further and another flesh was introduced into his mouth. Shock. He gagged trying to pull away. Illumi yanked his hair to lift him to his hips. "You try anything stupid and I'll go ahead and kill him." And then he proceeded to thrust himself into his mouth. "I'll be delighted."
Not happening.
Air. He needed air. He gagged. Air. Dark words spokenas if underwater, his throat felt raw- messy-not happening-not happening- not happening.
"It's so sad. Imagine you are going to give your first kiss with this same precious mouth now holding me." He barely understood, he tasted the bitter precum, his thoughts were now just images, his hair being yanked: Pain. Gon. Pain. Thrust. Air. Gag. Words. Gon. Air. Breathe. Air.
"How will you confess him how defiled you are? How could you even dare! Being disgustingly used, like a tooth-brush over and over"
Air!…He needed…air...Gon...Air…Breathe... him knowing. He gagged. Air. Killuaa, Gon's voice. Extending the vowels…
It went on an on. It went on and on and on. It went on and on and on and on. Until he heard Illumi groan. Then he pulled out. A forceful intake of air.
The boy hit the bed.
Sob of air.
Illumi lowered himself to spread the boy's legs and take of his pijama bottom completely. The boy curled.
Air. Resisting the grasp, clenching his fist. Feeling the blazing agony on the gash near his hip- Air Air. His mind tried to grasp something. His lungs were burning, he could not swallow, a roar in his ears. Not registering that he could not breathe, just sob for air and choke lying on one side, folded on himself, his fist clenched tight... Sob… Air... Sob... Gon... Air... Sob... Hate... Air.
There again, again againagainagain.
He was there again…
He felt Illumi hard against him thigh. He was there again... again.
"This is most interesting. I haven't seen you like this since you were so small" Illumi whispered- probably feasting on the wetness down his cheeks, his chest hitched with no control. Illumi gently cupped the boy's face, brushing his tears. The boy's knuckles whitened, his clench so fierce. And the cold spidery hands were touching him again.
A wave of tiredness hit him. He was sick... He wanted things to be over, just a warm bed, safe alone, let it end. He felt the iron cold fingers around his waist and he shut tight his eyes. He was being stripped of his boxers. Let this end. Killua realized he was hearing himself crying. He knew what part was coming. Make it stop.
Time edged down. His waist was lifted, Illumi stopped to loosen his studded belt, to take it now off completely, maybe to tie him- and Killua changed of plan. He was leaving and taking Gon safe away. They could leave in a boat to wherever. An endless sea would be better than this. He had to escape this. Escape this. He couldn't, he just couldn't any more... He thought he'd be able to put up with this, but he couldn't take it. He couldn't. He kicked trying to free himself. "Ow!"
Disbelief. He'd kicked Illumi on his chest with both his legs, he'd tumbled over.
He made a run for the door.
It was open.
He'd crossed it.
He was running
Escape
Through the hall.
Arms encircled him
"NO!"
He fought.
With nails and teeth.
His hand, the broken one, was useless as he bit and scratched his way out. He was dragged and thrown into the room, over the bed violently. He lost sense of orientation, but still tried to stand again. Fight, his hand clawed despite it all. But he was flipped over and his head was pushed against the mattress. A body pressed him to the bed, the weight immobilising him. He heard him preparing himself,No, he wasn't ready he wasn't please no- then a hand took his hip, another took his thigh and he tried to move and a hand pushed his head down and he felt terror-
Cry of pleasure.
Killua's howl.
PAIN
Illumi pulled out and thrust again to move deeper.
This is not happening.
He heard his own voice screaming, as he was pushed against the blanket to be silenced. He heard himself howling and the PAIN-he couldn't switch to dead mode -PAIN, he was begging it to stop, let it stop "STOP!" stop the searing PAIN, he hissed , Illumi grabbed his hips firmly and thrust further into him until he bottomed out, his name was being called PAIN stop! Stop! STOP! -PLEASE-PLEASE- HE WOULD BEG JUST PLEASE- Rip, skin being torn.
"AAAGGH" blinding pain shot up his spine- he roared.
Let him die
He cried now freely as he tried to be deaf to Illumi's rhythm, and he felt sick, let him die, let me die he cried, but Illumi's arms embraced him, as if to shush him, pressing the boy against him to stop the thrashing, he was being torn again, and again, and again, he was broken, burnt searing pain, pain, pain, pain. Only that blazing white pain. PAIN.
Numbness.
His body had shut down.
He breathed.
Blood down there was making things easier.
And suddenly he was far, far away... system shut-down far… time seemed to float in a different way.
He did not gather when Illumi gasps intensified, holding his limp shoulders, nor when the man's arm circled his chest, the silent gasp of pleasure arching his back to hold with strength to Killua's dead body. He did not register as Illumi ended inside, with the aim to spill, to claim. How it felt. He did not register when Illumi pulled away. Words from afar were being spoken by him. "Broken toy…" He would say...He did not care... he was drowsy. And he was observed at, and he felt so tired… He did not notice when Illumi left the room. From far above he tried to move... it pained... and so he kept still for hours on end… drifting…
He only registered the last words Illumi had spoken before he'd left...words that hung in the air...and painted the ceilings... and drifted as haunting echoes… "I'll return to the ship in one week. Tell anyone and I'll take him away with me. I will. Try anything and I will make sure you find him, that is, his body, floating overseas"...
He'd been angry, who know why...A door closed... and from the corner of his mind he thought he had to go back and protect Gon...Gon But then the ceilings and walls became a vortex consuming all possible light, and the world slowly faded to black...
-Catch me!
Gon was running before him. The hills deepened the afterglow of the sunset. Each blade of grass, each leaf in each tree wore a shivering green, gently caressed by the island's breeze...
He ran after him, after him, after him. Feeling the wind against his hair. Gon turned to smile.
-Ki-llu-aaa!
-I can't! Gon you're too fast! I'm...too far...
He felt the grass under his feet. And the wind against his skin. And the green blur in front...
-Come on dumbass! I know you can! Don't give up so easily. Catch me!
...I can't...
An extended hand
Come on- Gon was smiling. -Even you know you are faster than me! Run with me Killuaaa
...
Swimming.
He was swimming under water.
He was floating in black water…
He floated, un-breathing, still.
He lifted slowly his arm. Trying to reach for the surface.
But there was no surface. Only water. He could not breathe.
He opened his eyes. His fists were clenching the covers. He barely realized it was still dark. He moved slowly.
Pain. The room went hazy. Black.
He awoke again.
It was still so dark...
It was so, so cold.
He was shivering...
He was still drifting.
He tried to move. Blinding pain shot up his spine.
The blurry darkness shifted further out of focus.
He had to move. He tried to lift himself...
Ow Ow Ow
He breathed. Ok. Again.
He moved slowly.
He managed to raise himself. He regarded the room in the darkness. He was alone...
He observed the mess he was. He grabbed a fistful of the sheets...Pain. His sight went in and out of focus. He slowly tried to clean his body with them. His thighs. The pooling blood and semen. All of it. Slowly as the pain would allow. The wounds had stopped bleeding...Down there too. Slowly, he reached out for his boxers. He pulled them on, with effort. Then his pyjama pants... he stared at some rags...his pyjama top was ruined.
He finished his movements at the limit of exertion. He fell gently against the bed, exhausted. He smelt the blood...and sex..and sweat...And Him... It bothered him. It itched his skin. He wanted to tear it away.
You can do this...
No...I can't.
You can.
I can't.
You've done this before…
He lifted himself once more and sat at the edge of the bed. Pain bothered him. A known pain. He slowly aimed to walk.
Step...
And he staggered falling on his knees. He bit his lip. The pain there was minimal in comparison, quite futile as a distraction.
He pulled himself together and aimed again for the door. He opened it.
Zombie walking slowly. There was pain on his every move but if he clenched his jaw, he could be elsewhere. Halls appeared to his sight as if in slow motion.
Step. After step. When he turned a corner, reaching the deck, he stopped. He'd softly fallen to his knees again because of the pain. His knees weren't supporting his weight.
The sea that he'd stared at hours before now seemed unrecognisable. The deck, the moon, the halls, they all seemed unfamiliar. He observed, uncomprehending. Half an hour later he made the effort to reboot his mind. His warm bed was waiting, he told himself from far off. He hadn't even realised he was on his knees. His mind was off.
He mustered strength somewhere to stand up.
He'd been shivering. He was shivering. His limbs moved him.
He'd reached his room.
He opened the door.
All of its dark corners felt alien to him.
But on the bed...
Gon.
Gon slept.
Gon was ok.
He went to the bathroom... he locked it. And he slid to the floor. Slowly pain made him lean his whole body against the cool tiles. He rested there.
In his chest he felt nothing really. Just tiredness.
He closed his eyes. Images. Torn images of it all... broken jigsaw pieces that lacked sense as he felt like floating through them...all messy and sweaty and skin-ugh-then black...
Long time passed before he slowly sat up. Pain.
Slowly he dressed the wounds with toilet paper in case they continued to bleed...
He felt reality slowly edging down. Time felt more real and so did the pain. He decided to change his clothes, which were stained with blood and semen… and hide them. If he had strenght he would have showered... He put long dark pijamas to hide all the bruising. As he did he saw the word written on his back on the mirror. But it just made him stare before he covered it. Then he went to bed slowly. He was by Gon's side who was fast asleep. He felt so cold...his teeth were chattering. He tensed his muscles to stop it but it was too painful... He curled, but it hurt. He closed his eyes. Gon was so warm...he was still shivering. He couldn't stop shivering...
"Killua?"
His blood froze.
He did not answer
"Killua. You're shivering" A very drowsy and sleepy voice. He felt Gon sitting up.
He looked at Killua who had his eyes closed. And he covered the boy, tucking him with all the quilts. One over the other. With care he made sure he was well covered.
"There you go"
Gon dropped dead weight to bed and snuggled closer.
He felt Gon's hand loosely over his shoulder...so warm.
He cringed.
Killua suddenly closed his eyes in anger... he fought back the tears of rage. He didn't have any. He was a fucking liar, a fucking dirty liar... He was used. He was dirty. He was worthless.
And nothing had changed.
Nothing had ever changed.
...Sorry about this. I truly am.
...44% of victims of sexual abuse are under age 18, Rainn Statistics. Makes you wonder whether you feel like living in a world like this.
Next chapters will convey more hope, I promise.