Chapter 10

Way too nervous again, I stood outside of the door to the clinic ten minutes early. Alright get it together Anastasia! You can do this! You have your lucky charm with you after all! That means nothing can go wrong. It was a quiet afternoon. Light sunbreaks peaked through the clouds. It was the first bit of sun I had seen in a while. The rays helped to lift my spirits a bit as I paced back and forth.

"Early as usual I see," Christian's voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Oh, Christian! Good afternoon," I greeted him as he walked up, pulling his keys out of his pocket. "You know me! If I'm not early then I'm late."

"That's a really great motto," he smiles as he unlocks the door to let us inside.

All of the lights were off. The clinic was so quiet. It made it seem like an entirely different place than before. Now I felt that it really is more like an apartment than anything. With a flash, the entire vicinity lit up at once.

"Nifty light switch," I told him not quite knowing what else to say in this awkward situation.

"Yes it really is quite handy. With one flick I can turn on nearly all the lights in the building."

The conversation was so casual despite how riveting our talks usually were. I guess the feeling of being alone together was starting to get to the both of us. We walked over to the room we had previously been having our session in yesterday. Letting me inside, he dropped all of his things off. Today he wasn't wearing his glasses. He must have contacts that he alternates between. The sleek black button up that formed so nicely over his shoulders made me blush.I had no idea why I was always so fascinated by what he was wearing. Ever since the day he came all spruced up to class, I couldn't stop taking note of how different he looked each day.

Another thing I couldn't stop doing since that time is improving my attire everyday as well. Today I bumped it up by wearing a mid-length, tan, button down skirt and black tights. Usually my normal dress isn't very feminine, but this morning I woke up feeling in the cutesy mood. My very light pink makeup matching that mood. Thankfully there were still pockets in the sides of the skirt where I could move my lucky charm to. There was no way I was going to this session without it.

"Have a seat on the couch again and we will get started," he commanded while gesturing over to said piece of furniture as he prepared his things.

"Oh y-yes. I'll get on it right away!" I darted over to the couch, hoping that moving and speaking quickly would hide my uneasiness. Sitting straight up with my right leg on top of my left, I delicately place my hands down over them, trying to look as proper as I can. Christian joins by sitting in the chair directly in front of me again.

"So how did things go last night? Feel any different after yesterday?"

"Quite actually. For some reason I feel like a changed woman. My soul is freer. I even managed to let Kate poke the end of my finger! Well, after some…practice that is."

His head pulls back from hearing the news. "Oh my goodness! …That's great!" He sincerely seemed really excited. "I never expected you to try it before the session. You really are a changed woman! I feel proud that my single session was able to do so much!" Raising his hand up to flick his hair back in a cocky manner, he was obviously trying to joke that all of this was his doing because of his amazing skills as a therapist.

"Hey now! You can't take all the credit! It's not like it wasn't mainly due to my strong personality and amazing learning ability as well! Humph," I cross my arms and make a little pouty face at him. At that he laughs at me.

"You're so cute Anastasia."

"Huh!?" Mouth gaping open, the lock of my arms breaks apart and I stare at him. "Me? c-c-cute!?"

Chuckling he says "Yes. You got so mad about my joke. Of course I know that it was all on you. You're an amazing woman after all. Most people would have been in a much rougher state had they gone through what you did. It's that strong personality of yours that has allowed you to grow into the successful woman that you are today. I just wanted to see if I could get you to directly admit that."

"Am I successful?" Too befuddled by that part, I totally neglected all of the other amazing compliments that he just threw at me.

"Yes! Amazingly successful! First of all you were able to get through the rough times and managed to not only complete school, but to do well enough to get into a top university! Second of all, you never turned to drugs and alcohol like a lot of abuse and neglect victims do. It also seems like you've got a good head on your shoulders. The fact that you've done so well and only came out of it with a phobia is amazing." His voice gets little higher "Not to mention, you're strong enough to be here now to try and get over it, and even managed to get a head start yourself before the treatment! I'm seriously impressed with you Anastasia, you really have no idea!

Still too bewildered to answer, I remained sitting there with mouth gaping open and eyes blinking furiously. "Uh…oh…thank you very—"

"You don't have to thank me. I mean every word. Anyway, we've gotten a bit off topic. Let's get the treatment under way."

I still had so much that I believed I should say back to him in response, but feeling my heart start to pound harder at the mentioning of the exposure therapy, I let it slide and tried to ready myself for what was about to come. He really is too kind.

"Since you've already made some progress last night, things should go a little smoother. I will admit though, I am a little jealous. I was hoping to take the credit for being the first one to get you past your phobia."

"J-Jealous?" At this point, the makeup wasn't the only thing making my cheeks look pink. "You? Of Kate?"

"Yes. Looks like I was just a few hours too late. It's quite unfortunate. Although I suppose that just means that now I'll have to make sure to be the one to have the pleasure of fully getting you over your phobia." As he finishes his sentence, he gives me a little wink.

My face went from pink to beet red in an instant. "Oh. Is that so?" I asked quietly. "I will have to keep that in mind. Sorry, I didn't realize you wanted me to wait."

"That's quite alright," he stands up. "Makes my job easier. Plus it was a really smart move. You have no reason to be sorry for it." Walking over, he kneels down in front of me just as he had done yesterday when trying to calm me down. "If you don't mind, I would like to try and have the honor now as well."

"Oh, yeah, ha-ha, go ahead." Nervous laughter was taking over me again. That position he took had a strange effect on me. It was both soothing, and…a massive turn on.

With a soft smile, he sticks his finger out. "Do let me know if at any point you get too afraid and I will stop right away. I don't want to make you too uncomfortable."

The redness of my face getting no opportunity to pass, I give a nod of my head and an "Mm."

Slightly trembling, I stick my finger out as well. As his finger comes slowly towards mine, I look intently at him. The crouching stance fitting quite well with the curves of his outfit on his body, his look was way too sexy. Too distracted by his alluring nature, I hadn't realized that his finger had already made it to mine.

I look straight down at our touching fingers. My eyes fixate on it for a good five seconds. "Wah—" I slightly jump back in surprise, falling into the back cushions of the couch, breathing heavily.

"Hey that was pretty good! You didn't shout very much and your finger actually stayed there for quite a while!" Still stuck in the same position, he was smiling at me.

I blinked at the situation. Oh my god, I hadn't even realized we made contact. The thought of my finger being touched must not bother me anymore. My mind didn't focus on it like usual. With the happy realization, the rate of my breathing steadily slowed.

"Why don't you try touching my finger this time?" he proposed. "According to your numbering, that should be a bit easier for you."

"Me? Touch you!?"

"Is that a problem? I thought you said that touching others is easier for you than the other way around?"

"Oh. Right," I tried to say calmly and coolly in my embarrassment at that clearly not thought out outburst. "Yes, that's definitely true. Ha-ha, I don't know why I got so surprised. I'm sure I'll have no problem doing that." Sitting up straight, I ready my finger as if it was nothing. I don't know why that made me more nervous. I guess just making eye contact with him while he looks like that and thinking of touching him is just so…so…

His beautiful eyes smile right at me. As he knelt there so suggestively with his hand out, I give a large gulp at the sight. Trying to move my finger towards him, that familiar wet feeling comes again from down below, growing more and more thick the closer I get towards him, and my heart rate increases again along with it. Is my heart pounding from the fear? Or—

"Tap." Our fingers touch.

The heat drains from my body. I feel so flustered. I can't believe it. I didn't scream. What's going on? I thought I was just so scared to touch him because he's so handsome, but, I'm feeling something else that is…unfamiliar.

"Well, well, well. Congratulations Anastasia! You've just successfully came in contact with another human being other than your friend for the first time in about fifteen years! How does it feel!?" Still keeping his finger against mine, he spoke and smiled with much joy.

Heat still draining from the back of my neck, my voice was low with a puff of air. "Amazing. It feels…amazing."

Christian blinks a couple times then gulps and clears his throat. Disengaging finally from the contact he says "Well then. Shall I try touching you again this time? It seems we've cleared the first part of the checklist and that is getting you comfortable touching someone else. Now to work on you not giving a reaction when I do the same."

"Sounds g-good." Oddly enough, I kind of felt like I almost wanted him to try touching me.

Shifting positions probably due to getting uncomfortable from holding it so long, he holds out his finger once more. "Here goes nothing."

"Tap."

It happened so quickly this time I didn't even have time to think. Waiting for a few seconds, I had no reaction. The feeling this time didn't bring anxiety. It almost instead seemed to bring…a good feeling? Getting more used to the idea now, I had a greater opportunity to actually focus on what it was like. Warm. That's how it feels. Warmth from his finger. I almost forgot that human skin was like that. I remember it being so cold before. Must be because of my stepfather…his skin was always so cold. He had to have been the last to touch me then. I was hoping it was someone else, but, sigh.

A tear dropped from my eye.

"Anastasia?" Christian calls my name as he looks up at my face, removing his finger in an instant. "Are you okay? Did I go too fast?"

"It's so warm," I stop. "I'm crying because you feel warm." The tears poured out even more. "I don't know why, I just didn't expect it to feel that way," a sorrowful smile forms on my lips as the tears continue to fall.

He looks at me first with surprise, and then with deep sincerity. To his astonishment yet again, I begin to laugh through my tears, turning them into happy ones. "Your finger is warm! Ha, ha, how great is that!?" Wiping them from my eyes, I can no longer control my laughter. "I don't know why it just makes me so happy!"

Seeing me smile he smiles too. "I'm glad. I'm glad it feels warm Anastasia. That is what true touch is like. You've finally felt it again." The tiniest formation of a tear drop appears on the line of his lid as well. Feeling overjoyed at the sight of me experiencing real touch for the first time in so many years, I guess he couldn't help but tear up as well.

"Could you do it again?" I ask, almost begging. "I would like to feel that warmth again."

Gently nodding his head he complies. As our fingers meet, the both of us smile at each other with tears held back in our eyes.

"Should I try and grab the tip of your finger with my whole hand now?" he suggests.

Stopping to think for a moment, I happily bob my head in agreement. Gently and slowly moving his fingers in a curved motions towards mine, I feel a greater increase of heat as his hand folds over the top half of my finger. My eyes shut for a moment from the shock, but I hold back from letting out any screams or movements, just trying to stay as still as I can. There was no way I was going to miss out on the opportunity to feel this mass amount of wonderful heat on my skin again.

I can almost remember it. This feeling. When my mother held my hand just weeks before that day. Her hand contained this same heat as well. At the time, the warmth felt like love radiating through my body. It seems that I also had forgotten that touch could convey such emotions. All I could feel from touch after that day was hate. The memory of other feelings had completely faded from my mind. But now, they are returning back.

"Christian," I call out his name while looking at his fingers over mine.

"Yes?" He gives me a worried look while holding me softly.

At that, I look up at his face. "Could I try to hold your hand?"

"What!?" This time he was the one yelling in shock. "Are you serious? Are you sure you can do something as big as that right now? We've only just gotten you to be okay with your finger tip, are you sure you aren't pushing yourself too fast?"

"Yes I'm sure. I just want to remember what that feels like. I want to know if I'm remembering it correctly."

A little confused he answers "Well okay, if you insist." Letting go of my finger, he holds his hand out in front of me.

Now having been granted his approval, I reach hesitantly toward him. This is a bit different than holding hands with my mother, but since I can't see her right now, it will have to do. I don't want the memory to fade. I don't want a vision linking nothing but hate to it in my mind. I want to know if that loving touch resides within Christian, as well as other people in this world.

"Now just remember. It's okay to touch me. It won't hurt," he smiles as he speaks with a soothing voice.

I give a nod and large gulp back to him. He always knows how to calm me down. I started to feel that if it was him, maybe it really wouldn't be so bad.

Trying to avoid looking him directly in the face so that I don't get too nervous about holding hands with such a handsome man, I focus only on his hand and the gentle aura around it. It's only Christian. Christian is a good person. He'd never hurt me. I'm the one choosing to touch him. Changing the words of the chant Kate had me do last night, I tried to convince myself that everything would be okay. I'm the one choosing to do this. This is my choice. No one else's.

With a determined face I take hold of his hand.

The warmth of his skin radiates throughout the entirety of my palm and reaches the surrounding areas. Maybe I was just going crazy, but I could have sworn that in that instant I saw a beam of light shine from my right pocket where the pendant was.

This is it. It's exactly how I remember, but even better. There's even more warmth and… something else? A feeling that I don't know how to describe again. But it's nice. Very nice. I don't want to lose it ever again.

With that thought, I pulled my hand away in fear of the feeling disappearing. What if this wonderful touch turns sinister like last time? I can't let that happen again.

"Amazing," he says with a loving smile on his face that I managed to accidentally glimpse as I instinctively looked up upon hearing the sound of his voice. "You actually did it. An entire hand grab! What a massive improvement in just one day! Granted, you pulled back shortly after, but it's still quite remarkable nonetheless. Honestly I was only planning on working on fingertips today."

"Yes, it's a little easier if I'm the one in control," I throw out a little too directly.

Christian seems to choke for a minute for unbeknownst reasons, then stands up and sits on the other side of the couch. It made me a bit curious as to what happened. Then, that also made me start to ponder about what that other feeling was that came from him. Just what could it be? It certainly resembled the feeling of love, but it wasn't quite the same as I had remembered it being with my mother. Of course it could just be that my memory has gotten quite rusty after all these years, but thinking that Christian loves an average girl like me anyway would be utterly absurd.

"It's just as you said," he bounces right back into his therapist talk. "Though something that I believe will be helpful for you to think about as you do is that your touch will always be pure. It is not evil. You are a good person. Last time you clearly said that you couldn't trust other's touch because you never know if the intent will change. Although you seem to already be aware of this, one thing to keep in mind when you are the one doing the touching is that you are in control. You can always trust yourself to not change. Never worry about that and I think being able to make contact with others will come a lot more easily from now on. Maybe, that will lead you to have faith that there are other well intentioned people out there like you too."

My eyes look down as I think. He has a good point. Why don't I trust myself with others? I think I was afraid of turning out like my stepfather, of hurting others because they hurt me. But I don't sense that within me at all. As I told him within my letter, I believe it's wrong. With such a strong belief always having been present, why was I ever worried? I'm far better than he is and will ever be. I'm not the one who should have lost the right to touch other people. He is.

Realizing that I had nothing to say back to that, he speaks up again in a curious way. "Could it be…that you actually don't trust yourself as much as others might believe?"

Huh? My head instantly peeks up.

How was he able to see right through me just now? "Ah, um…" Too in shock once again, I wasn't able to say anything in reply, which only just re-confirmed his suspicions for a second time.

"Well. I believe that's something that you're going to have to decide for yourself. No matter how many times we all may tell you what a wonderful person you are, it's not going to get through to you until you can believe it yourself. But I'm sure you'll find a way of figuring that out soon, considering how well you've already managed to on your own." With that, he gives me a grand smile.

"…"

Silence once again.

"Anyway. Should I attempt to hold your hand now, or would you like to practice more on getting comfortable making your own contact with other people instead—"

"Definitely practicing on others," I finally respond so fast he barely was able to finish his sentence. "I think I've had all I can take of your advances for the day. However, with what you just told me in mind, I would like to continue trying to touch you further."

"Wow," he stops for a minute. "I just realized how awkward this conversation would sound to an outsider." Laughing, he scratches the back of his head. He was probably trying to ease me out of the discomfort and deep thoughts by making a joke.

Coming to a mortified halt, I, too, realized the impact of the words I had just said. Turning beet red yet again, I say in a panic, flailing my arms "No. No. No. No. No. I didn't mean it like that!" Sinking into my shoulders, I couldn't believe I let my mind wander to the point that I was no longer even in realization of what I was saying.

Christian bursts out into laughter. "I get it. This is just a very strange situation. It's hard to talk about this kind of procedure without putting things in a suggestive way sometimes. Though, I have to say, ouch. Done with my advances for the day? That's like every guys worst nightmare. Didn't realize I was that bad."

If it was possible for my face to go any redder it probably did. I didn't find his slightly over the top joke to be amusing at all. "Nooooooooooo! I'm seriooooooous!" I frantically try to convince him. "I didn't mean it like that, honestly! We just did a lot today and I was overwhelmed. You were great. Absolutely nothing wrong."

His eyebrow perks at that, and I start to panic again. "Gah! Nothing lewd was meant by that either! Serious!" My head drops into my hands in embarrassment and dismay. "Ugh. I know I'm not helping my case right now."

He falls into a fit of laughter once more. "Alright, alright. I get it. I was just teasing you. Don't worry. You can try holding my hand again if you like."

"Humph," I pout at him. "Maybe I don't want to anymore."

"Whaaaaat," he whines like a little kid. "Hey I'm sorry! You should really get some more practice! Don't let my foolishness and occasional unprofessionalism stop you from improving!"

"Oh so you're saying you want me to touch you? I get it," I tease him back with a devious voice.

Christian's cheeks go slightly noticeably red this time. "Huh, what?" he clears his throat and the childish voice from before suddenly turns into a deep and manly one. "Of course not. This is strictly business Anastasia. How could you make me, a professional, into such a pervert?"

"Oooooh a professional," I tease him again. "My bad. You're right. A man of your status would never do such a thing."

It was odd, but somehow coming into an empty building that he owned after hours on a Saturday made the exchange we were currently having seem more casual. It was difficult to look at him as just my therapist. Today he seemed like my friend, Christian, who was offering me a helping hand more than anything else.

"Oh, ho, ho. Acting all high and mighty huh? Alright then, if that's how it is. Let me see you grab my arm." Holding his right arm out right in front of me, he gives a challenging stare.

Jumping back, I say with a creeped out expression "Um. Actually I think I'm okay. Looking at the time, I forgot I have something to do today. Gee. I really must be going!" With that I stand up to leave.

Truth be told, I actually wasn't completely opposed to the idea of trying to take hold of him further. Part of me actually…desired it in a way. But of course, I didn't want him to know that.

Laughing he gestures me to sit back down. "Okay I'm sorry, I'll be more serious now. Actually, I was wondering if maybe one thing holding you back is not being quite comfortable enough with me yet. So, I was thinking, since tomorrow is Sunday, why don't we go out to the harbor and spend the day getting to know each other more? I mean, for research purposes that is." He was speaking seriously, but there was just something odd about it.

"For research purposes?" I question him.

"Yes, I want to study how much a bond with the other person affects ones improvement."

His answer made me feel a bit dejected. I had hoped there was some underlying intent to his suggestion, but it seemed our relationship was mostly about academic benefits after all.

Looking up, he smiles slyly as he asks "Why? What else did you think?" At first it appeared that his embarrassment was being targeted toward me, but as he gave me that look, it rather felt as if he was testing me. I became flustered in response.

"Oh…um, nothing. I was just curious what your research was on is all." It was a total lie, but I had to try my hardest to hide my wishful thinking. Of course he would never actually be asking a crazy phobic like me out on a date. What was I even thinking?

"Right…" he responds, almost seeming…disappointed? It made me very confused. "So it's settled. I'll pick you up tomorrow at noon. What do ya say? How about some good old therapist-client bonding time?" He does a fist pump to the side. "Wait, that didn't sound right…"

Shaking my head and laughing at this serious man who was just making fun of me for doing the exact same thing, I let it slide and responded with a smile. "Sure."

"Terrific! And on that note, I'm sure today's session was a little taxing and you need something to get your mind off of things. Since you mentioned to me the other day that you like archery, I thought that maybe you might want to come to the archery club with me tonight and see if it'd be something that you would like to join? I can introduce you to everyone. Sports and clubs are something that all of us therapists always recommend to our clients anyway. This way I can be sure you're fully getting proper treatment. "

"You would let me join your archery club!?" My face was now beaming with excitement. Though, I was a little surprised at the fact that he was suddenly inviting me out to go do so many things with him, but he did reference the fact that it was just another good way to study every aspect of how therapy is working on me once again. On the other hand, I couldn't help but feel that it had something to do with the fact that I didn't give him the kind of reply that he was looking for in his last question— whatever that was.

For the millionth time he just laughs at me. "Yeah of course. It's not like it's some exclusive club. Anyone that attends the university can join—"

There was a break in his sentence. Suddenly, the happy go lucky voice that he was just speaking in suddenly changed to a more downhearted one. "Well…that is until I joined. Okay, I see your point here. Sorry for laughing at you," he bows to me. I cross my arms and raise an eyebrow at him, and he start speaking seriously "People now have to receive a recommendation and have proof that they are serious about doing archery and not just joining the club because I'm in it. That rule had to be made upon my entry the club because it then became flooded with people asking to join. It's really sad. But now it contains only a select few of the top archers in the school. So it's good in some ways."

"That sounds like so much trouble…I'm sorry you always have to deal with that."

"It's alright. It's something that you just get used to. Besides, as I said it's made for one great club with some really great people. Because of that its been fantastic for making friends who share the same interests and aren't there just to be able to talk to me. Something rare for me to come across."

"That does sound really great. Well if that's the case, I would love to come check it out and watch you guys, but I don't think that I'll fit in. I'm not that great of and archer you see, I don't think anyone would want me on the team."

"Nonsense! I'm sure you're fantastic! You'll just have to show me tonight so I can judge that for myself. How about a little competition?"

"Alright, you're on. Challenge accepted." Crossing my arms, I gave him a confident and smug smile.