Disclaimer: Still don't own anything
A/N: I had NO idea I would be updating THIS quickly but this chapter literally wrote itself. I'm so proud of how the joint session with Sophie went and I cannot WAIT for you guys to read this.
Anonymous Reviews:
Glinda: LOL well it worked! You were my 300th reviewer! I love how you gave them a name, Jalaibon LOL
Hal: I know poor Jane. It's nice to sympathize with him after all of the terrible things he did. Your words are spot on and you'll see Jane say something similar in this chapter.
Jessica: Well here's a shorter wait for you!
Anonymous: Thanks so much! I too think that Jane would act so terribly, but then grovel for forgiveness like this. Thanks again!
Chris: The lullaby was my friend Holly's idea hehehe. Yes they are slowly but surely fixing their relationship, Lisbon has no plans to make it intimate though which is going to come back and bite her in the ass when she realizes her feelings didn't actually disappear.
Sabrina: Well you didn't have to wait long for this one!
Anonymous: Thank you for your input but this is NOT a Red John story. I do not have any plans to bring in Red John because as stated, he isn't in the picture. His presence is felt as it is on the show but this isn't going to be about how RJ is killed or anything like that. This is about Jane and Lisbon finding a path to forgiveness with their daughter.
Anonymous: It was a simple explanation, everything does seem to boil down to Jane's fears on RJ, now you get to see Lisbon's reaction to it.
Ana: De nada. Espera te gusta el capitulo.
Anonymous: You don't have to wait to find out, now you can read Lisbon's reaction.
Chapter 10: A Time to Forgive
Lisbon was trying to get Alaina to roll over again, she'd been excited when her daughter first rolled over from her back since apparently she was a couple weeks early hitting that milestone. Now she was determined to prove that it wasn't a fluke.
"Come on, baby," Lisbon said, patting the carpet beside her, "roll over for, mommy." Alaina gurgled and kicked her little feet in the air. "That isn't what I meant." Her daughter blew a raspberry and that made her giggle. She picked her up so she could kiss one round chubby cheek, "I love you so much."
She might have sat there on the living room floor for another hour, cooing over her child. But the sound of Jane knocking on her door interrupted the moment. Lisbon sighed a little; she had been expecting this since she had given him permission to come over. That was three days in a row but she didn't think about how soft she was getting now.
Lisbon groaned as she sat up, still holding on to her daughter. "I swear, if you roll over with him here then I'm disowning you."
Alaina blew another raspberry in response.
Jane was smiling as soon as she opened the door. "Hello, sweetheart."
Her lips twitched just a little and she gently handed him their daughter. Jane happily accepted, kissing her immediately. "You want to come in?" she asked softly.
To her surprise, he looked at her thoughtfully. "Actually there is somewhere I'd like to take you."
That caught her off guard entirely. "What?"
But Jane smiled and repeated. "I want you to see something."
She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him. "Is this one of your tricks? You take me somewhere and it turns out you want me on stage to humiliate me and catch a suspect?"
Now Jane actually laughed and shook his head, little Alaina sucked on her fingers. "No, it's nothing like that."
"Yeah, I believe that," Lisbon replied sarcastically.
"Come on, you know you are curious."
"You really think that is going to work? You build up the mystery until I can't stand it and agree to go with you even though it's probably to my own detriment."
"Yes."
She glared at him for a full minute. "I can't just pick up and leave anymore, now I have to pack a diaper bag, change Alaina, get the car seat out of my car…"
"Great," Jane said enthusiastically, "I'll help you."
Lisbon raised an eyebrow. "You really want me to go with you don't you?"
"I'm not taking your sarcasm or your excuses," Jane told her firmly.
She stared at him for a while before sighing. "Let me just get her diaper bag."
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Lisbon spent two minutes in the car sulking before badgering Jane with questions. "Where are you taking me? You will stop before we get to Mexico right? I swear if this was an elaborate plan to kidnap me and Alaina then I will shoot you."
That one made Jane laugh. "Will you just relax? Have a little faith in me."
"Did you seriously just ask me that?"
He chuckled again and looked in the rearview mirror at Alaina's little car seat. "Mommy doesn't trust me."
Lisbon rolled her eyes. "Mommy never trusted him."
Jane grinned and turned his eyes back to the road in front of him. "Well Daddy can't really blame her but she'll come around."
"We'll see about that," she murmured and glanced back out the window. It was a little strange having Jane refer to himself as "Daddy" even if he was Alaina's father. He called himself that with her all of the time but Lisbon hadn't actually given him that title yet. Whenever she did mention him around Alaina she always referred to him as "Jane" or even simply, "him".
They didn't say anything for another ten minutes, not until Jane pulled into a parking lot of a small apartment complex. Lisbon felt a rush of outrage. "I knew it, I knew you were tricking me into doing something stupid."
"And I'll repeat, have a little faith, woman."
He parked the car in an empty space, still grinning but she remained firmly in the passenger seat. "Come on, you're already here. You might as well see what I have in store for you."
Lisbon actually considered her options for a minute, including taking Alaina and walking back to her home. But Jane was a smart son of a bitch; he knew she wasn't going to be able to sleep that night without knowing what the hell he wanted her to see. She groaned and stepped out of the car before reaching in the back seat to unbuckle Alaina from her car seat.
Jane was practically whistling as he led her up towards the building. He stopped at one of the doors and looked through his keys before selecting one. Lisbon raised an eyebrow and gave him a look. Breaking and entering was actually low on the list of very bad things she'd done with Jane, what scared her was that this didn't scare her at all.
"Does this guy know you are breaking into his apartment?"
"Since he is me, I think we're okay."
"What?"
He grinned as he opened the door. "This is my apartment."
Lisbon simply gaped at him as if he'd said he was married to a pet goat. "Your apartment?"
"Yes."
"You mean a place where people live?"
"Yes."
"You live in an apartment?"
"Yes."
"Is this a joke?"
"No."
"You live in an apartment?"
Jane laughed. "Just come inside."
He ushered her in through the doorway, which was a very good thing because Lisbon wasn't sure she would have been able to move her legs at all. At this point she was so stunned she was having hard time remembering how to breathe. Jane turned on the lights to reveal his apartment to her.
It was simple, a lot of clean lines but good wholesome furniture. It was the exact opposite of what Lisbon had expected though, not that she'd been expecting anything. Gone were the dark bare décor and empty tables, this was…a home.
There were photographs on the wall and framed on the table. There was a small baby pen in the corner with a few toys already laying in it. There was a TV in the living room, a remote on the table and a very comfortable looking throw on the couch.
"Jane," Lisbon began, gaping at one end of the apartment to the other, "this is an apartment."
"Huh?" Jane replied, clearly amused by her reaction, "I hadn't noticed."
She didn't acknowledge his sarcasm at all, but she did hand him Alaina so she could get a closer look at the place. "There are books on the shelves and pictures of Alaina and a basket for remotes, a plant in the window and pictures of Alaina!"
"No kidding."
Lisbon ran into the next room. "Oh my God! There's a kitchen!"
Jane grinned. "I know, it came with the place. It was a surprise to me too."
She opened the refrigerator. "You have food!" Lisbon opened up a cabinet, "and silverware." Then she turned her attention to another appliance. "And dishes in the dishwasher, dirty dishes."
She turned around to look at him as the realization suddenly sank in. "Jane, you don't just live here…you're living here." He nodded his head and kissed Alaina's hair. "When?"
"I bought it a couple of weeks after Alaina was born," Jane explained simply.
"Why didn't you say anything sooner?"
He gave her a small smile and shrugged. "I wanted to wait until everything was settled."
Lisbon couldn't help but wonder what he meant by that. She guessed she understood what he could have meant. He wanted to wait until he had furniture and his things, so that everything was as it should be.
Except she also wondered if he meant about her and Alaina. That he was waiting until she was beginning to actually hope that maybe she could believe he wasn't going to walk away again. Maybe this was him showing her rather than telling her that this was a permanent change.
"You always said that you didn't need anything more than that hotel room," she reminded him.
"Well that certainly isn't true anymore." He smiled sweetly at her and then nodded his head towards the hallways. "Come on, I want to show you the nursery."
"Nursery?"
He led her a short ways from the kitchen to one white door. Inside was a quaint little nursery that anyone would be proud of. Jane had stuck to the color scheme of pink and green, which was fresh and sweet, not too feminine to be overpowering. There was a white crib to one side and a matching table changer and dresser.
Lisbon stepped into the room and looked around, too stunned to speak.
"I didn't get too many clothes," Jane admitted, "I figured we should work with what you already have. But I compensated with toys." She saw that, there was a mountain of stuffed animals in one corner, all waiting for Alaina to sink her gums into.
"Now the crib is special," Jane told her, walked over to it and put one hand on the rail, his other arm still holding Alaina. "It is convertible, you just take out these panels and put in the toddler ones. That way it's ready for her when she gets older."
When Alaina got older.
Jane was planning for the future, a future with their daughter. That was what this was all about. He wanted Alaina to have a place in his home; she would have her own room, her own things, a permanent fixture in his life.
He looked a little worried now, probably because she hadn't said anything in several minutes. Lisbon walked over to the dresser and fingered one big wooden 'A' that rested on the wall above it. A personal touch for their daughter's room.
She turned around to look at him. "This is amazing, Jane."
Now he smiled, obviously relieved that she approved. "I'm glad you like it."
Lisbon smiled back at him. "Of course I do, you put my own nursery to shame."
He shook his head at her. "No, yours is better."
"Well I thought the butterflies were cute."
He laughed and shook his head again. "No, because her family made it together."
Lisbon grew quiet at that statement but Jane didn't seem upset that he brought up the past. It was true; the team had helped her put the nursery together. Grace had picked out the bedding; Rigsby and Cho put together the crib. The only one who hadn't had a hand in it was Jane.
But now he'd made one himself.
Jane was still smiling at her and kissed the top of Alaina's head. "Would you like some tea?"
She nodded. "Sure."
A few minutes later Lisbon was sitting on Jane's couch in Jane's living room waiting to sip tea from one of Jane's cups. She wondered if she would ever get used to the idea of Jane actually owning stuff.
Alaina was content, sitting in her mother's lap and shaking a stuffed lamb that rattled, she seemed to like the sound. Jane set down a small tray of tea on the table in front of her. "Thanks," Lisbon said and accepted a cup, being mindful of the baby in her lap.
Jane sat down next to her, taking the lamb from Alaina's hand and teasing her with it. Alaina let out a little shriek and slapped at the lamb, she wanted it back. But she was letting out shrill giggles, clearly enjoying this game too.
"So," Lisbon began carefully, "you did all of this for Alaina?"
He looked up at her. "You think I need another reason?"
"No," she admitted, "I just didn't think you ever would do something like this."
"Things change when a child comes into the mix," Jane told her honestly.
"But is this what you want?"
"Of course it is."
"Jane…"
"Now wait a minute," Jane said, sitting up so he could meet her eyes now. "I know you don't have any reason to believe me and it's understandable. But I want you to know that this was something I knew I had to do from the moment I fell in love with our child. I want Alaina in my life that means making room in my life for her. I've done that, I'm doing that and it isn't going to change."
Lisbon nodded her head. "That means setting up a room for her."
He smiled and shrugged. "I'd like her to have a place here, for the future. I'm hoping that when she's a little older…when you trust me again, that she'll be able to spend the night here sometimes."
She set the cup of tea down on the table. "You want to share custody."
"Eventually," Jane told her, "when you are ready for it."
Lisbon honestly didn't know what to think. Months ago when she'd been pregnant and scared she'd had dreams of maybe sharing custody with Jane. That was when she spent hours of every day praying that Jane would turn around and see that he had a life and a child that was alive, one that needed him.
She'd given up that dream.
Now here it was coming true, she hadn't been able to accept it before. But it was staring her right in the face now.
But she couldn't say anything yet. Just nodded her head and took another sip of tea. "Have you told the rest of the team yet?"
"You're my first visitor."
She smiled; she liked the sound of that. Lisbon nodded her head towards the television. "You'll have to get a bigger TV if you want Rigsby and Cho over, they do game nights."
Jane grinned. "I'm not one for sports but I did pick my kitchen table out specifically for poker."
"That'll work," Lisbon teased, "but will they come? They are wise to you and your cheating ways."
"Well I'll let them win every now and then."
She laughed now, enjoying the conversation. The awkwardness and anger wasn't here right now, in this moment she was just happy to be with him, happy to have their child in her arms.
Jane grinned too and reached for Alaina, Lisbon handed her over to him, which meant she could now sip her tea with ease. He sat down on the floor by the couch and laid her down on her back.
"I told you," Lisbon said firmly, "she rolled over two days ago and hasn't done it since."
"We'll see about that." Jane replied, his eyes fixed on his child. "All right, Alaina. You know you want to roll for Daddy, don't you? Don't you?"
Lisbon just laughed and leaned back on the very comfortable couch. All she wanted to do was savor this moment, of watching her daughter play with her father. This was what she had wanted all those months ago.
For the first time she actually believed it was real.
Lisbon hadn't really believed that Jane would actually take care of her when she was under doctor's orders to remain in bed. Not until he actually picked her up from the hospital, drove her to her apartment, helped her up to stairs and into her bed. That was where she remained except when she needed to use the bathroom, even then Jane told her to call for him but she mostly ignored his wishes in that regard, she didn't want him to see her pee.
Still, she wasn't prepared for this. It was Jane who brought her meals to her bedroom on a tray, Jane who was taking care of her house and Jane who would get up in the middle of night to bring a crying baby to her mother so she could be nursed. Most people would have been touched by his tender and attentive care towards her and their child but Lisbon still refused to speak to him for the most part.
Meanwhile Jane was enjoying his duties immensely. Taking care of Lisbon didn't make up for his behavior of the last nine months but it did feel like a real step in the right direction. Of course the best part was that this gave him a lot of time with Alaina. He loved hearing her little coos and gurgles, those small sighs that meant she was content. His favorite thing to do was watch her sleep, to watch her breathe, then he could drink his fill of her even though that was impossible, he could never tire of watching her.
And he was discovering little things about her too. Her hair was dark like her mother and her eyes were still that pure newborn blue but there were other subtle features he noticed that came from both of her parents. Small things like she had earlobes that were the same shape as his or her second toes were slightly longer than her big toes, just like her mother.
Even her personality was beginning to show. She wasn't a big fan of quiet; she loved soothing white noise which was undoubtedly something she inherited from him. And she was stubborn, refusing to lose her hold on something until he pried her fingers from whatever object she'd managed to grab, now that must have come from her mother.
Jane wanted to share all of these little things with Lisbon but she was still simmering in her quiet anger. She wasn't willing to talk about Alaina at all. She always accepted the baby whenever he brought her to her and she would keep Alaina by her side for most of the day but Jane couldn't help but worry that perhaps she was having some difficulty adjusting. Post-partum was very common, and after the trauma she went through during Alaina's birth it was possible that more serious scars lay underneath.
He was busy cleaning up Lisbon's kitchen while Alaina was enjoying some quality time with her mother when there was a knock on her door. Jane wasn't all that surprised, he knew immediately who it was before he even had to walk over.
Sure enough, there was Grace standing primly with her arm still in a sling and a stack of paperback books in the other. The look she gave him was pure ice but that wasn't anything unusual of late. "Hello, Grace. I assume you are here to see the patient."
"Where is she?"
"In her bed, following doctor's orders. Alaina is with her too."
Grace simply gave him a nod before walking around him in the direction of the bedroom. She was on the stairs when Jane decided to call out to her. "I'm good too by the way."
She paused and gave him a glare, whether it was still all from her anger at his previous behavior towards Lisbon or a bit of wounded pride for pointing out her rudeness, he didn't know. But Grace continued up the stairs without a word.
Jane heaved a sigh once she was gone. He had a lot of work to do, not just in the kitchen.
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Lisbon was watching Alaina who was lying on her back, occasionally kicking her feet in the air. She couldn't help but smile and play with her tiny little toes. Alaina was a beautiful baby and the best accident she ever made, no doubt about that.
A gentle rapping on the door startled her, she assumed it was Jane but was pleasantly surprised when Grace walked in with a big smile. "Hey," she said quietly, "how are you doing?"
"Oh I'm doing fine," Lisbon told her, smiling now too. "Bored with bed rest but what else is new?"
"Well I have a few things that should help with that," Grace replied and set the stack of books down beside her.
"Bless you!"
"Nothing like trashy romance to pass the time," Grace remarked making Lisbon laugh. She sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned over to look at the baby, "but you have someone else to help with that too."
Now Lisbon beamed with motherly pride. "I can't get enough of her."
"Isn't that how it's supposed to be?"
Lisbon nodded. "It's unbelievable, Grace. I never thought that I could do something like this and now…now I can't imagine anything but this."
Grace smiled and toyed with Alaina's little fingers, letting the baby wrap her fist around her forefinger. After a moment of admiring the baby she turned a somber gaze to Lisbon. "How are things here?"
"You mean how are things with Jane?" Lisbon corrected.
Grace shrugged a little. "Well…yeah."
She sighed and shook her head. "I don't know. I honestly have no idea what to call any of this."
"I still think you should have had me stay with you."
"No, Jane was right about one thing. This was the best option, as much as I hate that. Believe me, I'd much rather have you here."
"Is he being a problem?"
Now Lisbon furrowed her brow for a minute and shook her head. "No…actually, if you want me to find a fault with him here…well I can't. He's taking care of me, of the baby, he's doing everything he's supposed to."
"Really?"
"I wouldn't believe it either, but here we are." Lisbon sighed. "I don't know what to think anymore."
"Why do you think he's offering all of this?"
Lisbon looked down at her daughter and bit her lip; she'd been keeping some of the truth from Grace because she hadn't known how to tell her when she didn't know what to think of it herself. "He says he wants to be in Alaina's life."
Grace's eyes widened. "How much?"
"Apparently, all of it. He says that he wants to be her father, he signed the birth certificate and told Bertram for God's sake." Lisbon sat up and leveled her gaze with Grace now that she remembered what Jane had done. "Everyone is talking about Jane and me at the office aren't they?"
Grace blushed and then lied badly. "No."
"Crap," Lisbon muttered and turned over onto her side, rubbing her temples.
She winced, knowing she'd been caught. "It's not that bad."
"Right," Lisbon replied she turned towards Grace again. "What are they saying?"
The other agent was quiet as she tried to think of the best way to talk about all of this. "Well…they kind of think Jane seduced you."
"So I'm the pathetic groupie?"
"No one has called you a groupie, or pathetic." Grace clarified, "but everyone is wondering why you guys didn't come out with this sooner. Some people think maybe Jane didn't think Alaina was his."
"Oh God." Lisbon moaned and threw the pillow over her head, "now I'm the office slut."
"No," Grace continued, "more people are remembering how Jane acted towards you so now they are thinking that maybe he was upset…which is the truth."
Lisbon threw the pillow aside and looked up at Grace. "So now they pity me? That might be worse than being a slut."
"Why?"
"Because it just is," Lisbon said with a sigh. "Now I'll be poor agent Lisbon, the stupid girl who did the stupid thing and slept with the wrong guy who didn't want to be there for her," she explained, "I'd rather them think bad of me than pity me. At least then they'd see me as strong."
"But you are strong," Grace urged her, "You decided to go through all of this, alone. When Jane told her to get rid of her, you told him no, you planned all of this by yourself. That is amazing. Everyone will realize that when they know the awful things Jane said."
Lisbon lifted her head. "Don't say anything about that."
"But you said—."
"I know what I said but I don't want everyone to know what Jane did either. He might be a selfish coward but I don't want to sink down to that level. The best way to handle this is to not say anything and let them get bored."
"You shouldn't protect Jane."
"I'm not," Lisbon explained, "not now, not after what he did. I'm protecting Alaina, telling them anything more is just going to keep all of this up and I don't want that. Just let the gossip run it's course and then everything will be fine."
Grace nodded her head and was quiet for a moment. "What about Jane?"
"What about him?" Lisbon asked, looking up from her child.
"You said he wants to be involved…do you believe him?"
She shook her head. "No," but then she thought about it for a moment and sighed. "I don't know. It doesn't make sense any more. He told Bertram, signed the birth certificate, is sleeping on my couch…but he told me numerous times to get an abortion, that he wanted nothing to do with her. Honestly, what am I supposed to believe?"
Grace didn't say anything but had a thoughtful and somber look on her face. "I was actually asking you," Lisbon told her.
The other agent shrugged and was quiet for a few beats. "I can't stop thinking about what happened in the hospital. When he first saw her and he started…crying."
Lisbon nodded. "I know, it's hard to forget something like that."
"Yes but it was just how it all happened," Grace continued, "he saw her and was just so…quiet. Then he suddenly broke down and cried, apologizing over and over again and then he held her…" she paused for a moment before asking softly. "You think maybe he changed his mind?"
She was still for a long time before shaking her head. "I don't know. Is it even possible for someone to just change so quickly?"
"Maybe. What did it feel like when you first saw her?"
Now Lisbon smiled and gently caressed her daughter's downy head. "It was unbelievable. I had no idea it was possible to love someone so much. It felt like all of my life something was missing and I had no idea and then suddenly….suddenly it was filled." She looked up to see Grace giving her an obvious look. "What?"
"Well…doesn't that say something? Maybe the same thing happened with Jane."
"Yes but I carried her inside of me for nine months, I actually wanted to see her. All Jane wanted me to do was get rid of her."
"I know and I'm not saying that you should forgive him or that he even deserves to be forgiven," Grace explained, "but that moment when you first saw Alaina…that was powerful. You said you felt like something had been missing and now that was gone, is it at all possible that Jane felt the same way."
Lisbon chewed on her lip as she pondered what Grace had said. It was true; she'd felt an overwhelming wave of pure love for her child when they had brought her in. A giddy rush of wanting to cry tears of joy and just burst into smiles at the real pure happiness she'd felt. She'd been prepared for it but at the same time, nothing could have prepared her for that moment either.
Jane hadn't been prepared either. He hadn't even intended to be in that room when the baby was brought in. He'd been caught off guard and suddenly there she was, the beautiful baby he'd been dreading for months was finally there. Lisbon could believe it; she could believe that a father could suddenly feel real love for his child just from one look.
But was Jane actually capable of it?
She couldn't say that for sure…but she couldn't deny that it was possible either.
"Maybe," Lisbon admitted, "maybe he did really feel something and he changed his mind. But I can't put all of my trust in maybe."
Grace relaxed and nodded. "No you can't, you are right not to trust him. He doesn't deserve it."
"This isn't about revenge, it's about trust."
"Aren't you still angry with him?"
"Of course I am," Lisbon replied. "I'd love to punch him in the face repeatedly."
Grace grinned. "If you want, I'll hold him down for you."
Lisbon giggled and shook her head. "No. I'll figure all of this out some other way."
Grace was quiet for a moment as the silliness of the conversation faded away. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know," Lisbon admitted.
"Are you going to let him see her?"
"I don't know."
"Do you think you'll ever forgive him?"
"I don't know," Lisbon admitted and then continued. "Probably not."
"But you are aren't sure?"
"Grace, you aren't going to be getting any answers," Lisbon told her, "I still have no idea what I'm going to do about all of this. When I do, you'll be the first to know." Grace seemed satisfied with that and Lisbon was quick to try and change the subject. "So come on, tell me something. Anything that is going on. I'm desperate here!"
Grace smirked smugly. "Well there is something…"
Lisbon sat up in her bed. "What?"
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Jane knew that eavesdropping was certainly a low form to sneak to in the art of acquiring information but at this point he was just that desperate and he'd never been a man of scruples anyways. He'd heard the majority of the conversation as they swung from cooing over Alaina and then discussing how thoroughly disgusted they were with him and questioning his own motivations in his bid to be a father.
It wasn't anything he didn't already know but it still stung hearing it.
Now they were moving on to trivial fluff, no doubt as an attempt to work past the darkness of the previous conversation.
"…so then Hillary found out that he was hooking up with Amber because of the mix up at the mailroom."
"But I thought he was seeing Janet?"
"Apparently he can add juggling to his resume."
Jane heard Lisbon laugh lightly. "She should have known, everybody else knew he was the office lothario."
"He tried to get me to go home with him at the Christmas party last year."
"He tries that with everyone, when it was my turn I simply emailed him a copy of the sexual harassment section under employee relations. Oddly enough, he never talked to me again."
Now they both started laughing, quite loudly too. Jane decided the eavesdropping portion of the evening was over and he moved away from the door to head back downstairs.
The good news was that his earlier assumption was wrong; Lisbon was connecting with their daughter just fine. Her cold attitude was saved for when she was around him…he was the one she wasn't connecting with.
That was fine. What worried him was that even now she still didn't believe him. The longer it took, the less likely it was that she ever would. The truth was that he didn't have a leg to stand on, she could very well keep him from Alaina and he wouldn't have any options but to accept her decision.
Lisbon didn't know what to do…and neither did he.
Lisbon was ready to go to lunch, the case was going well, the only thing she had to concern herself with was what schemes Jane was going to be up to this time but that wasn't anything new. Perhaps it was time for a nice deli sandwich from across the street, that didn't sound too bad at all.
Eva from the Foreign Prosecutions and Law Enforcement Unit was waiting for the elevator as well, she smile at Lisbon when she walked up. "Hey, Lisbon. How's Alaina?"
"She's great," Lisbon said proudly, "seems like she grows an inch every time I turn around."
"You need to bring her around the office again."
Lisbon grinned now. "I'll see what I can do."
Every time she brought Alaina to the office she was swarmed by the women who worked there and Eva and her friends Christina and Holly were no exceptions. But they weren't the annoying ones. Actually Eva was pretty impressive, watching her swear at a Mexican drug trafficker in rapid Spanish earned her quite a few points, even more because that was only one of the languages she was fluent in.
Before the elevator arrived, Jane did. To her surprise he looked very serious but he saw Eva and she knew he wasn't exactly pleased that she was there. "Hello, Lisbon, Eva." He turned his attention to the other woman. "Könntest du uns für einen Moment alleine lassen?"
Oh yeah, Jane liked to speak German with Eva sometimes, probably just to annoy her.
Eva looked confused by the sudden switch to another language but chose to play along with Jane. Much to Lisbon's annoyance. "Warum? Was hast du vor?"
Jane had a grin on his face when he said. "Ich will ihr einen Antrag machen."
Eva's eyes widened and she looked from one to the other. Whatever Jane said, it worked. She gave one last long took at the two of them before choosing the take the stairs instead.
Lisbon gave Jane a glare. "What did you say to her?"
"I told her I was going to propose to you."
She snorted. "Yeah right." Lisbon turned her attention back to the elevator as it finally opened, she and Jane stepped inside. "What do you really want?"
"I'd like to take you somewhere."
Lisbon raised an eyebrow. "Really? You already took me to your apartment, got another secret home I have to see?"
"No, nothing like that," Jane replied honestly.
"Then what?"
"You'll have to wait and find out."
She groaned loudly. "I hate these games."
"Then you really won't like this."
Lisbon glared at him. "Just tell me where you are taking me."
He grinned now, noting her slip. She'd already decided to go with him no matter what. "Just come on."
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She didn't know where Jane was going to take her, it ranged everywhere from Vegas to Disneyland but she certainly didn't expect it to be the parking lot of the practice where Sophie Miller worked. Lisbon turned her head to gape at Jane. "What are we doing here?"
Jane sighed, turning off the engine and looking at Lisbon with a very serious expression on his face. "I've been having sessions with Sophie again."
"Why?" she asked, honestly she couldn't have been more shocked. "You hate seeing shrinks."
"This was important," Jane replied simply.
"And that is?"
He caught her eyes in a somber gaze. "You said you needed to know why I treated you so terribly during your pregnancy…I needed to know why too."
Lisbon got very quiet at the mention of his behavior. In the past couple of weeks…well she had never forgotten what Jane had done but it was so much easier to dismiss it. But it had always been there, like a tick in the back of her mind, even in those moments where she was actually enjoying his presence with their daughter she always could remember that Jane hadn't wanted this. That he had put her through months of hell and pain; no one had treated her as badly as he had. No one.
"Do you know?" she finally asked softly. Jane nodded his head and she sat up straighter. "Then why?"
He hesitated a moment. "I want you to come in and talk with Sophie first."
"Why?" She bristled with suspicion.
Jane held up a hand to calm her down. "Sophie suggested it, an opportunity for both of us to figure out everything that happened between us."
Lisbon shook her head. "I'm not sure how I feel about couple's therapy, especially since we were never a couple."
"Lisbon, you know one of our biggest problems is the fact that we don't talk to each other."
"And whose fault is that?"
"Honestly? Both of us."
It was true. Jane wasn't an open book but she'd locked up her emotions quite a bit herself. In fact, Jane had been the one who forced her to talk about the night their daughter was conceived; she'd been trying to avoid that conversation from the beginning.
"You really think we need a mediator?"
"I think we both need prodding if we are going to be honest with each other."
Lisbon sighed and opened the passenger door. "Fine, let's go talk to her."
She agreed to this session but she did drag her feet on the way up mostly because she was a little afraid of what she would find out. She had her own suspicions about why Jane had acted so horribly during her pregnancy, mostly it revolved around the fact that she was not his wife and never would be.
Jane led her to the office where Sophie was calmly waiting in a chair. Lisbon noticed the sofa that she supposed she and Jane were supposed to share; well at least it wasn't a love seat. "Teresa, it is good to see you again."
Lisbon nodded. "Yes, I guess it is."
"Would you like something? Water? Coffee?"
She shook her head. "I make it a rule not to drink coffee when I'm talking to a psychiatrist."
Jane rolled his eyes. "Sophie isn't going to drug you and frame you for murder."
"Hush," Lisbon said, lightly smacking his hand.
Sophie raised an eyebrow at the conversation. "Sounds like you have some interesting stories."
"That is one way to put it," Lisbon agreed. She rubbed her sweaty palms against her thighs, still not entirely comfortable with being here. Lisbon wasn't one to ever talk about her feelings or her past; she hated that now she would have to do both.
Sophie must have noticed her discomfort because she gave her a reassuring smile. "How is Alaina?"
Lisbon was startled that her daughter was mentioned by a woman who she didn't really know all that well. But Jane did and he must have talked about their child in their sessions. Besides…she liked Sophie. "She's great," Lisbon explained, "I have pictures." This was a role she was comfortable with, the bragging mother.
She pulled out the small photographs she kept tucked away in her wallet and handed them to Sophie. Then she caught Jane's eye, he was grinning with amusement. "I had no idea you would be one of those mothers."
"Shut up."
Sophie wasn't fazed by their little argument but diligently looked through the three photographs before handing them back to Lisbon. "She's beautiful, and Patrick was right, she does look like you." Lisbon nodded, tucking the pictures back into the wallet. "You must be very proud of her…and yourself."
Lisbon raised an eyebrow at that statement. "Me?"
"After everything you went through, you must take some pride in knowing that you can overcome something like that."
She was startled by that that idea and considered it. "I'm proud of the fact that I was strong enough."
Sophie nodded. "I asked Patrick to bring you here because while he has told me everything that he felt during your pregnancy, it's important to hear your side of what happened."
Lisbon glanced at Jane, she shouldn't have been surprised to hear he was talking about her pregnancy, he had said as much. But it still felt weird that her private issues weren't so private after all. Then she turned her attention back to Sophie. "My side?" Sophie nodded and Lisbon pondered that for a moment. "Where am I supposed to start?"
Sophie leaned back in her chair, her gaze focused on Lisbon. "What happened the morning after you slept with him?"
Lisbon colored at the mention of her sex life. This wasn't going to be easy in the least. "Well I…I didn't expect that to happen. I just…I wanted to get out of there so I left."
"Were you upset?"
"I was angry at myself," Lisbon admitted, "I was the sober one but I still let it happen. I knew Jane would feel terrible about it and…and I was afraid of what this would all mean for our relationship. I just wanted to forget about it and I was grateful that he wasn't angry with me…and agreed that we would just move on like it never happened."
"But that proved impossible," Sophie pointed out.
Lisbon let out a long breath and nodded. "Three weeks later I realized I was late. I panicked, took two pregnancy tests and they both came back positive. I still didn't really believe it until my doctor confirmed it."
"How did you feel?"
"Terrified, I never really thought I would have kids. I didn't know what to do, especially since it was far from a good situation." She glanced at Jane. "I was scared but I thought… I knew Jane had been a father before, I thought maybe he would know what we should do."
Jane looked a little surprised by that statement…and guilty.
"That is why you told him," Sophie inferred, "you wanted his advice."
Lisbon nodded. "I thought he could help me figure out what I wanted…I guess he did."
"In what way?"
"When he told me to have an abortion I realized that was not what I wanted in the least. I wanted to protect my child…I wanted to be a mom."
Sophie nodded. "What did you feel when Jane told you he didn't want the baby?"
Lisbon took in a deep breath; fighting the pain these memories brought her. "I was in shock. I never expected him to give me an ultimatum like that, to tell me that the baby was a mistake. Then I was furious, I hit him and stormed out. Later…later I calmed down and was more sad than anything. I assumed that when he had time to think about it that he would realize he wanted the baby too and would be there for me." She shook her head, looking away from both of them, "I never thought he would abandon me like he did."
She felt a sudden urge to cry but did what she could to hold the tears back. This was difficult; she'd never actually been able to really express her feelings before.
"How did you feel?"
Lisbon glanced up at Sophie, a part of her wanted to just walk out and avoid this conversation all together. But Jane leaned closer to her and said gently. "Be honest, Lisbon."
She looked over to see that he was completely serious. Like always she saw the guilt in his eyes but also determination. He really wanted to hear all of this.
"I felt worthless. Like he hated me because I was going to have his baby. No one had ever made me feel so guilty for saving a life before…I felt helpless. I wanted to fix this, I wanted to make him happy but I couldn't do what he asked me. All I wanted was for him to look at me but he couldn't even give me that measure of peace." Now she did let a few tears spill down her cheeks, unable to keep up the strength she needed to stop them.
Sophie reached over and handed her a box of tissues that Lisbon accepted so she could dab at her eyes. "Patrick said you were persistent, that you refused to believe he didn't want the baby."
"I kept hoping he would come around," Lisbon admitted.
"You weren't angry that he was being so harsh?"
She shook her head. "Not then…I thought…I thought I was getting what I deserved."
Both Sophie and Jane were confused by that statement. "What?" Jane asked, compelling her to meet his eyes.
Lisbon stared at him for a minute before finally confessing. "I thought it was a just punishment for sleeping with a married man."
Jane was clearly stunned by that statement. He gaped at her for a minute and then shook his head. "That's not true, Lisbon."
"I know that technically it isn't," Lisbon clarified, "but emotionally…"
"No," Jane cut in, "you didn't make me betray my wife."
"Jane…"
"No, that might have been true once but I haven't felt really married for a long time, before we slept together. Even if it were, we both know I was the one who was in control that night, not you. It was my fault." Jane pointed out firmly, "I don't want you to feel guilty for this…especially when I don't."
Lisbon shook her head. "How can you say that? You've always been faithful to her…unless it's to get to Red John."
"You aren't Lorelei."
"Exactly," Lisbon replied, "sleeping with me gave you nothing but guilt."
"No," he corrected with her, "we got a child from it. I don't feel guilty for Alaina. I don't feel guilty for sleeping with you."
"You regretted it."
"Because I dishonored you."
She sat there stunned for several moments, staring at him. He talked about hurting her, betraying her, not his wife. It was the exact opposite of what she'd always assumed. She slowly shook her head. "I just can't believe that…not now…not with how you treated me."
Sophie had remained mostly silent during their exchange. Now she leaned forward, carefully studying Lisbon. "You've been carrying a lot of anger with him."
Lisbon turned to look at the other woman, frankly having forgotten that she was there. She numbly nodded her head. "I gave up. I stopped hoping he would be there for me. He was a coward and selfish."
"He changed his mind."
"Yes he did," Lisbon said sarcastically, "hooray! It was so nice knowing that I went through nine months of hell for no reason."
"Is that what you truly believe?"
Lisbon sighed and shook her head. "I don't know. I don't know what to believe anymore. I thought he would be there for me…then he wasn't. I thought was going to have to do it all alone…and now I don't. I have no idea what I'm supposed to think now."
Sophie nodded. "Do you believe that Patrick loves your daughter?
She thought about it for a moment. "Yes, he loves Alaina. I believe that now."
"Do you believe that he will abandon you again?"
Again there was hesitation. "No, I don't think he'll leave. He loves her too much."
"That is quite a transition from your anger earlier," Sophie pointed out.
"Jane has done a lot since Alaina's birth," Lisbon admitted, "He helped me out when I was on bed rest, he's been patient and understanding. He let me set the rules and he followed them…for the most part. Mostly it's been time though…seeing him with our daughter has convinced me that this isn't a phase or just a passing interest."
Jane relaxed a little at that and she turned to give him a very small smile. There, she'd confessed it to someone else that she believed in him. That he loved Alaina and wouldn't hurt her.
"But have you forgiven him?"
She tensed at the question and was quiet for a very long time. Jane had done so much since Alaina was born. She couldn't forget how he helped her up the stairs, checking on her throughout the day when she was bed ridden. He'd stood up with her in a church, letting her pledge their daughter's soul to a god he didn't believe in and then accepted it when her brother hit him. He'd stood in her living room and sweetly sang their daughter to sleep, doing anything he could just to make her smile.
She remembered all of that…but she couldn't forget the pain either. The pain of crying every night because her child wouldn't have a father. How small she felt every time he walked away without a glance, even when she begged just for him to look at her. His words like a knife through her heart when he told her coldly: "You came here to tell me and you have. And I told you what I wanted. I want you to get rid of this mistake."
Lisbon closed her eyes as tears seeped from them, spilling down her cheeks and then she shook her head. "No. I haven't forgiven him."
She didn't look at Jane, knowing he must have felt some pain to know that all of his efforts the past three months hadn't done enough. Sophie didn't react at all, but turned her eyes on Jane. "You are not surprised."
Jane shook his head. "No, she told me herself why she couldn't forgive me."
Lisbon nodded. "I need to know why…I need to know what made him turn into a monster."
"That is why Patrick started these sessions, he said he wanted to know why because he knew that he needed to earn back your trust."
She drew in a sharp breath. "Have you?"
Sophie didn't answer, turning her gaze back to Jane. "Patrick, perhaps you should start."
He took a deep breath and let it out, calming himself before turning to look at her. "Sophie and I have been trying to figure out why I did what I did. The important thing we learned was that I…I was in denial."
Lisbon stared at him, wondering what he could be talking about. She didn't speak, just let him continue. "I was denying what I felt for you and our child, denying that I truly wanted the baby. I pushed myself so hard that I…I didn't even know how I really felt."
"What are you saying?"
He made sure he held her gaze. "I loved Alaina…before she was born. From the moment you told me you were pregnant actually."
She gaped at him and then shook her head quickly. "No…no you told me to get an abortion. You said—."
"I know," Jane told her quickly, "and at the time I really believed it. I believed that I didn't want her, that I couldn't love her. But the truth was that I already did."
Lisbon stared at him; she covered her hands with her eyes and shook her head again. "This doesn't make sense. If you loved her then why did you…?" She couldn't finish the words.
"I was afraid."
"You've said that—."
"I was afraid for you."
She heard his words but it took her a second to comprehend them. "What?"
Jane sighed heavily. "Red John is watching me, he will hurt the people I care about. I have known this for a long time. I've always feared he would go after you…and then you were carrying my child." He looked at her gravely. "I had to protect you…the only way to do that was to not care about you or the baby. I had to push you both away."
Lisbon blinked once…twice, staring down at the tissue crumpled in her hands. "You…pushed us away?"
"Unconsciously, yes," Jane explained, "I didn't want to lose another child to Red John. I still don't. But at the time I knew the only way to do that was to not love her…so I made myself believe I didn't."
"Because of Red John?"
"Yes."
Lisbon sat there in stunned disbelief for a very long time. The only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock and her heavy breathing. She was gasping for air as the thoughts whirled around her.
"Of course," Lisbon said, her voice was soft but with an edge. "It always comes down to him."
Jane eyed her and quickly realized she was not taking this as well as he'd hoped. "Lisbon…"
"No, Jane. Do you really think I'm this stupid? That I would fall for this line again?" She glared at him. "Everything you do, every crappy decision that blows up in my face…it's always the same excuse. Red John. You think that will make it all better? It doesn't!"
He was calm still when he told her. "It's the truth."
"Bull shit."
Sophie held up a hand. "Teresa, it's all right."
"No, no it's not," Lisbon said quickly. "I'm so sick of every part of our lives revolving around that monster. I'm tired of forgiving you for the same thing. Every time you hurt me it's for him. To catch him. You lie to me, get me fired, disappear for six months…all to find him." She shook her head. "Not this time. You didn't tell me to get an abortion to catch Red John. You didn't ignore me for nine months, make me feel like I was nothing and completely disown our child to catch that monster! You did it because you are nothing but a coward and now you think that telling me that it's okay! You loved her from the beginning, that'll make everything all better!"
She shook her head. "Things are different this time, Jane. I'm smart enough to not believe your lies."
Lisbon quickly grabbed her purse and stormed out of the office, not caring that Jane had been her ride. She'll take the bus or call a cab, it didn't matter, she just had to get out of there.
She made it out of the building, her chest heaving and side aching when she realized she'd actually walked several blocks. Then she heard it, the same soft choking sound she'd heard almost every night for nine months.
Jane made her cry once again.
It took a few days for Lisbon to slowly get back on her feet, she'd been chafing at her mandatory bed rest the whole time, not just because she was now entirely dependant on Jane but also because she wasn't one to just lie around all day. The first step towards independence that she took was getting up out of bed in the middle of the night to feed Alaina, beating Jane to the punch. He'd been surprised to see her up, insisting that she go back to bed but he didn't fight her much when she pointed out the fact that she really was fine.
Next was making her way downstairs. Jane really wasn't happy about that, especially since she tried to navigate the stairs alone. Lisbon had been in for a surprise as well, stumbling upon Jane quietly holding their child. She'd wondered if that was something he did a lot, keeping Alaina a few extra minutes for himself before bringing the baby to see her. She didn't know how to feel about that idea, instead she chose to remain silent on the issue.
Jane pushed for her to go back to bed but she refused. Insisting that she could rest just as easily on the couch than in her bed and this had the added entertainment of television. He didn't argue the point after that, the only thing he insisted was helping her up and down the stairs the next couple of days.
It was a week after the accident that Lisbon had her follow up appointment with her doctor and Alaina's pediatrician. One of the first things she asked was if it was necessary for bed rest to continue. Lisbon actually smiled when her doctor informed her that while she shouldn't look forward to any 5-K runs at the moment, she was definitely well enough to get back to her normal routine. Those were the words she'd wanted to hear; now she wouldn't have to depend on anyone, especially Jane.
But it was more difficult then she thought it would be, telling Jane that his assistance wasn't required anymore. She couldn't say why but she didn't think it was because she actually wanted him there; no it had more to do with a small bit of fear that she would be left alone with an infant. Another part of her wanted to hope that Jane's behavior around Alaina wasn't false, that he really did want to be her father.
Still the part of her that resented him for how he treated her during her pregnancy was bigger than any other feeling she had.
"My doctor said that I'm doing better," Lisbon told him, her voice was a bit wooden.
But Jane simply nodded; he was holding Alaina, trying to unbutton her onesie that she'd spit up all over. "So you said."
He didn't get that hint. "Alaina is doing fine too."
"Of course she is," Jane replied, leaning over to kiss the baby's cheek, "she takes after her mother."
That touched her, just a little but it did fill her with a small amount of warmth. Not enough to make her change her mind. "Jane," she began gently and then waited for him to finally meet her eyes. "I think you should go."
She could tell he was surprised and a bit disappointed, it was strange that the man who knew everything didn't seem to know when he wasn't welcome here. "Are you sure?"
Lisbon nodded. "My doctor said that I can get back to my normal routine and I don't need you helping me up and down the stairs anymore."
"And Alaina? Don't you think you'll need some help taking care of a newborn?"
"I was already planning to do it alone," she reminded him, "I know what I'm doing."
Jane looked more than a little lost at the moment. His gaze turned towards the baby and then back at Lisbon, as if searching for some way to convince her otherwise. Well she wasn't going to budge on this.
He picked Alaina up, holding her against his chest. "She needs to be changed."
"I'll do it," Lisbon said, "This way you can pack." She didn't give him much of a choice, taking Alaina from his arms before he could change his mind.
She didn't turn to look at him as she carried the baby up the stairs to the nursery. Alaina was cooing softly, not bothered in the least while her mother laid her on the soft changing table. Lisbon tried not to think about the man downstairs while she changed her daughter's diaper but she kept seeing Jane's sad eyes as she took their daughter from his arms.
"I'm doing the right thing," she said, knowing that telling this to her week-old daughter was slightly silly. "I know you like him but you don't know what he did to me when I was pregnant."
Alaina gurgled and waved her little arm.
"He didn't even want you," Lisbon continued, "he told me again and again that you were a mistake, that I had to get rid of you. He wouldn't talk to me when I refused and let me go through everything alone and now he just suddenly changes his mind? I can't accept that. He'll hurt me again or worse, he'll hurt you."
Lisbon reached down and picked her daughter up, nuzzling her cheek. "I won't let him hurt you, I promise. The best thing for you is to keep him away."
Alaina yawned loudly and blinked a couple of times. Lisbon smiled and rocked her a couple of times in her arms until the baby began to drift off a little. She was getting sleepy and it was about time for her nap anyways.
After a few more minutes she carried the baby back downstairs and saw that Jane was finishing up his packing, not that he'd brought many belongings to begin with. Lisbon walked past him to set the baby gently down in her bassinet. Only then did she turn to look at him. "My maternity leave won't be over for another six weeks, Cho's going to keep me informed on the team."
"I know."
She nodded and folded her arms against her chest. "I'll see you later, Jane." She was purposefully being vague, not intending to see Jane in any context outside of work ever again. This arrangement was over and it was what he had wanted for months, right? No involvement whatsoever.
Jane nodded his head too and when he turned towards the door she actually breathed a sigh of relief. He would be gone and everything would be as it was supposed to be.
But then he stopped and set his bag down. "No."
Lisbon gaped up at him. "No?"
He shook his head. "I can't leave like this."
She gave him a hard look. "So what? You think are just going to move in? Because that's not going to happen."
Jane simply met her eyes with a somber gaze. "I can't leave."
"You're not welcome here, Jane," she finally spelled it out.
"I know that," Jane told her, "but I know that if I walk out that door then I will never see her again." He looked at her meaningfully, "That was your intention wasn't it?"
Lisbon didn't say anything but turned her eyes to the floor. She knew there was no point in denying it, not when he could see the truth with just one look. Finally she looked up at him again. "You can't stay, Jane."
He stepped towards her. "Lisbon, I need you to let me see her."
"You need?" Lisbon began icily. "This is about what you need? What about me? What about when I needed you? I needed you when I was throwing up every five minutes. I needed you when I was scared out of my mind when I was trying to figure out how the hell I was going to do this. I needed you and you told me no, you said that you wanted nothing to do with either one of us. So what the hell gives you the right to tell me what you need?"
Jane stood there and took her poisonous words with as much dignity as anyone could muster when their sins were being thrown in their face. His eyes were big and sad when he met her gaze again. "I know. I know you needed me and I wasn't there, but please…please Teresa don't make the same mistakes I did. Give me the chance to prove to you that I'm not going to turn my back on you or her again."
She groaned. "I gave you a thousand chances, give me one good reason why I should give you one more?"
"Because this time I promise you that I will take it," Jane assured her. He took another step forward, placing both hands on her shoulders to force her to look him in the eyes. "Please, please let me be able to see my daughter."
Lisbon wrenched herself away from him and turned her back on him. She rubbed her temples as she tried to think about what to do here.
Jane didn't deserve to see Alaina, after everything he'd said and done, he had no right to be a part of her life.
But she had spent nine months begging him, hoping that he would change his mind. Here he was offering her what she wanted but she couldn't trust it. She had given up on him…it seemed too late.
Maybe it was…maybe.
She also knew that she didn't want Alaina to grow up without a father…even if the father was Jane.
Lisbon turned around to look at him giving him a very hard look. "All right, this is my offer." Jane straightened up and his eyes filled with hope. "You can come over and see her, but it will not be just every time you feel like it. You will call me first and I will let you know if it is okay. You will respect my decision. I maintain the power to change these rules if I decide so and they will remain in affect until I trust you will not change your mind." She kept her eyes level with his. "Do you accept this?"
Jane was quiet for a minute before saying. "I don't see how I have much of a choice."
"You do," Lisbon reminded him, "you can do what you said you would and walk out that door. But if you are serious about seeing Alaina then this is how it is going to be."
He was quiet again before nodding his head. "Then I'll do it, because I know that when you see I'm serious then you will change your mind."
"We'll have to see about that," Lisbon told him, making it clear that she didn't believe him.
Jane smiled softly at her. "Thank you, Lisbon."
She stiffened but simply gave him a small nod. She didn't move from her spot until he finally picked up his bag again and walked away, giving her one last smile.
Then he was gone.
She collapsed on the sofa with a long sigh. Lisbon couldn't believe what she had just agreed to. Jane would be coming over to see his child, or so he said. He'd said he wouldn't be involved…now he'd changed his mind. Now she was simply waiting for him to change it back.
But a part of her still hoped that maybe…just maybe…he wouldn't.
The team knew Lisbon was in a fine rage just from the way she marched back into the office. They watched as she flung open her office door and stalked inside, not looking at anyone. For a while the only sound was things being slammed around on her desk. After a minute it was the stapler being slapped down so hard that it was a wonder that she didn't break it. They all knew something was wrong but none of them had any real idea what it could be thought they all had a feeling of who the culprit behind it was.
Lisbon was stapling her files together, organizing all of the reports. It didn't have to be done but she was in a fury and thwacking the stapler onto the papers felt damn good. She wished it was Jane she was hitting, now that would have made her feel even better.
The truth was she wasn't sure why she was mad at him. That the root of his behavior stemmed from Red John, she could believe that easily. That wasn't anything new. Everything Jane had ever done was all about Red John, it was something she had accepted a long time ago and part of the reason why she'd long since decided to never pursue her feelings for him. She didn't want to compete with a faceless monster. Now she really didn't want to share her child with those ghosts either.
But it was the idea that Jane had the gall to say he loved Alaina before she was born, that was something Lisbon just could not believe. He loved her now, there was no doubt in her mind there, but how could he claim that he loved their child when he told her get rid of it?
She slapped the stapler on more time before searching around for another pile of papers. "What did Jane do now?" Lisbon looked up to see Cho standing in her doorway with his typical impassive stare.
"Nothing unusual," Lisbon declared, slapping a pen down on her desk, "just normal Jane. Spoon feeding me garbage and expecting me to eat it." Cho wasn't fazed by her colorful expression, that was fine, he could just stand there. She rose from her desk in an attempt to diffuse her anger. "I don't know what I was thinking letting this happen, I walked right into it. It's all my fault really."
She sighed and tossed a file aside. "I should have told him to catch a cab that night, I never should have driven him home. I definitely shouldn't have slept with him." Lisbon looked up at Cho with a bitter smile. "The worst part is that I can't regret it. How can I wish it never happened when I have a daughter because of it?" She groaned. "And now…now I'm stuck with him because he is the father of my child…and I can't keep them apart." She said the last bit with some wistfulness, she didn't want to separate Jane and Alaina…she just didn't know how to separate her feelings either.
Cho remained calm, letting her rant for several minutes. "What happened?"
Lisbon shook her head. "Jane said the reason why he treated me like shit during my pregnancy was what else? Red John. He said he pushed me and the baby away because he was afraid Red John would hurt us, that he wanted to protect us so much that he actually convinced himself that he didn't care about Alaina. But the truth is that he loved her from the beginning." Lisbon turned around to face Cho. "Can you believe that?"
"Yeah."
She gaped at him. "What?"
Cho shrugged. "He's telling you the truth."
"How could you possibly know that?" He didn't say anything but gave her a look, as if that was supposed to answer her question. "I was there every day, waiting and hoping for him to change his mind. I would have noticed if there was something that suggested he actually gave a damn about the baby."
"It's hard to see when you are doing everything you can to not look at him," Cho stated.
She stared at him for a long time. "What are you talking about?"
"I saw a few things," he replied, "and I knew he cared more than he was letting on."
"Like what?"
Cho stepped a little closer. "How do you think Jane found out you were having a girl?"
Lisbon frowned as she thought about that question. "I don't know, I just assumed he overheard me talking about it or something."
He shook his head. "I caught him rifling through Van Pelt's desk, looking through the stuff she'd set aside to show you about the nursery."
"He did that?"
Cho nodded. "He'd watch you when you weren't looking. Every time we talked about you and the baby…he was listening, you just didn't notice."
She was quiet, letting herself process what Cho was telling her. "But it's Jane, he always does things like that. It doesn't mean he cared."
Cho just stared at her. "What do you think happened to your sonogram?"
"My sonogram?"
"The one you lost."
Oh yes, the sonogram she'd spend all day searching for on her hands and knees. She'd settled for a copy since they never had found it. But what did that have to do with Jane? "You know what happened to it?"
Cho nodded his head.
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Lisbon climbed the stairs to Jane's attic with purpose. She couldn't help but remember the last time she did this was to tell him that she was pregnant, things spiraled downward after that. This time she wasn't here to tell him anything, she was on a mission.
His attic was empty and sparse, just like it always was. She noted that it was dirtier than she remembered; she couldn't remember the last time he'd disappeared up here actually. Apparently he hadn't found the need to mope in private after Alaina's birth.
A stack of books was on the makeshift table and she headed for it. She picked up one leather bound book but there was nothing. Then she picked up a thick copy of Shakespeare's plays and there, nestled between the first page and the cover was her sonogram.
Lisbon remembered everything about the day she'd gotten this. She'd sat there for thirty minutes watching her baby on the monitor, hearing her heart beat, seeing her move her little hand. She'd loved the image because it perfectly showed her face and her hand as if she were waving. She'd thought that it was gone, lost in a shuffle of folders and files.
"I stopped by your office." Lisbon turned around to see that Jane was standing in the doorway, a look go somberness on his face, as if he was finally laying all of his cards on the table. "I stopped by your office to ask if we had a case…and it was just sitting there on your desk." She looked down at the sonogram in her hand and then back up to him, he stepped a few feet closer. "The next thing I knew it was in my hand…I don't even remember picking it up, suddenly it was there. Then I was walking up to my attic and staring at it. I didn't know why…but I didn't want to give it back."
He walked up to her so he was standing directly in front of her; he reached out and gently ran his fingertips over the edge of the sonogram, brushing against her fingers in the process. "I would stare at it for hours until I had ever curve of her face memorized. I'd imagine what she would look like, which one of us she would take after, what kind of person she'd grow up to be."
Jane sighed now. "But mostly I'd tell myself that I had no reason to have this, no reason to think about her. It was best if I had no part in her life."
Lisbon looked up from the sonogram, tears filling her eyes as she met his. "Why didn't you say anything?"
He shook his head. "It never crossed my mind that my actions were defying what I was thinking. In hindsight…it's so obvious. But my judgment was clouded by bitter terror and I simply could not see what was right in front of me."
She brushed away some tears that were spilling down her cheeks. "Because you didn't want Red John to hurt her."
He nodded. "It's unavoidable, you and I know he watches me. Do you really believe he could pass this up? The only way to keep you safe was to deny what I was feeling."
"But then you stopped," Lisbon pointed out, "when she was born…"
A look of wonder came over his face and a small smile turned up the corners of his lips. "I'm a very good liar, Lisbon but even I cannot hide my love for my child, not when suddenly she was there, this beautiful little baby so new and fresh."
"Then why hide it in the first place?"
"It was unconsciously done," Jane reminded her, "but I wasn't thinking rationally. I was selfish, believing that I could keep you safe at the expense of hurting you."
"You did hurt me," Lisbon agreed, "I'd never felt worthless before until then. You don't know what it was like to have the one person you think you can depend on…just walk away. Do you have any idea how many hours I spent crying because of you? I was so afraid…terrified that I was going to have to raise our daughter alone. Can you imagine trying to figure out what say to your daughter when she was old enough to ask why her father wasn't around? I…I thought it was all my fault…that you hated me for loving my own baby."
She began to cry again, hard choking cries that she'd done so many times over the past year. But this time Jane was there. He pulled her into his arms and settled her against his chest. "I'm sorry," he told her again, "I'm so sorry."
Lisbon continued to cry. "If it's Red John then what will you do? Are you going to leave me again?"
Jane pulled back and cupped her face so she was forced to meet his eyes. "I will never leave you or Alaina ever again."
"But Red John…"
"When he strikes I will be waiting," Jane told her calmly, "but for the first time in ten years I refuse to let him keep me from living my life, from finding some happiness. You were right, Lisbon. I'm not going to let Red John be a part of this; I won't let this ruin what I have with Alaina. I promise."
She sniffle a little and maintained her gaze, tears still seeping from her eyes and spilling onto Jane's fingertips where he still had his hand on her cheek. "It doesn't change what you did. It doesn't change the fact that you broke me. It was a stupid thing to do, stupid, selfish and wrong. Just because you did this protect us doesn't make it right."
There was a pause as she took a breath, two more tears spilled down her cheeks before she told him very softly.
"But it does make it forgivable."
Lisbon lost the slim hold she had on her emotions and she began to cry once more, burying her face in his chest. Jane held her close, grateful for the chance to comfort her like he should have done and sorry for all of the tears she'd shed for him.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair, "I'm sorry."
She caught her breath as she still sobbed. But then she managed to say the three words that mattered most.
"I forgive you."
A/N: Whew! It took Lisbon long enough to get to this point but I hope you guys enjoyed it.
In the next chapter you'll see Jane and Lisbon take steps to share custody of Alaina but Grace isn't so happy about it. Things get interesting when a case brings in Brett Stiles who has his own interest in Jane and Lisbon's baby. In the flashbacks Lisbon tries to take care of Alaina on her own as Jane adjusts to realizing he might not see his daughter as much as he wants.
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