Hi! Wow, ten chapters already, it's hard to believe that we're almost done with this story. We only have four more chapters after this. And then I'd like to say we'll be able to focus solely on VOL but (as usual) that's not true. BUT we won't post the next story until it is totally finished . . . or at least not until VOL is finished.

ANYWHO! We've started school again and it seems to have tripled in work load so we won't be updating as much as we'd like. Luckily, fate and the Greek Gods have smiled upon us and given us gym class together. Which means optimal time for planning stupid schemes. Which is actually how the last part of this chapter was written. But I won't keep you up here much longer with my stupid incesent ramblings. Please enjoy our latest chapter!

I have to say that these guys are (c) Stephenie Meyer but honestly its just like we've made our own characters, they're just so different. . .

Chapter 10: Esme vs. Carlisle

EsPOV

I was still mad at Carlisle and no amount of sweet talk or compliments would change that. I thought about pretending to be charmed by him but then I decided to take a page from Rosalie's book of revenge. Let him squirm a little and refuse to be charmed by him. I was so excited about this that I couldn't wait for him to get home.

He poked his head in the door around six and cautiously called, "Esme, darling? Are you home?"

"I'm cleaning the living room."

Carlisle hurried in and knelt down next to me on the floor. He held out a bag, "I bought you some new air fresheners. Mountain Breeze in an auto-spray container and wildflower passion fruit in a fabric and air spray, you like those right?"

"I guess they'll help. The room is still a mess, though, and it's so much work to try and clean it."

He grabbed my hand. "Esme, let me clean it. It was my fault that the room got destroyed, I should be the one to clean it up, not you." I pretended to think about his offer. "Please," he begged.

"I suppose. You could always clean the couch." I pointed to the couch which was still covered in chocolate, caramel and whipped cream.

Carlisle jumped up. "Great. What should I use to clean it? Are there any special soaps or sprays I should use?"

"Nope," I said, "just lick it all off."

"Gre-what? Lick it off?"

"Mmm-hmm," I said. "Just use your tongue."

Carlisle stared at me like I had sprouted wings and was flying around the living room. I was trying my absolute hardest to keep a straight face, but it was very difficult. Carlisle was baffled. I hadn't seen him so confused since he came in and found me in head-to-toe leather.

"You can get started now. I'm going out and when I get back that couch ought to be spotless." I turned on my heel and tried not to run out of the house. Once I was out the front door I sprinted to Rosalie's car, where she and Alice were waiting. "Drive, drive, drive!" I yelled. And we sped off, laughing hysterically.

BPOV

Oh this is just perfect. I've lost Edward! I only got distracted for a minute, I only turned my back for ten seconds, but when I turned back around he was gone. I shuddered, just think. Somewhere out in the world was a male vampire in a shiny gold mini-dress and pumps. The world wasn't ready for that.

"I have to go find Edward," I said, and took off, running frantically down the street. But the shoes I was wearing made it nearly impossible to walk, let alone run. "Alice is going to kill me," I mumbled, struggling out of my shoes. I shoved them in my bag and started running around screaming Edward's name.

Finally I found him . . . standing at a street corner . . . with his head in somebody's car window. "Edward! No soliciting! It's illegal!" I rushed over and grabbed Edward's arm, quickly pulling him away from the car. "What's gotten into you?"

"To be fair, this was Jasper and Emmett's idea. In fact, they should be around here somewhere . . ."

I stared at Edward blankly. "You mean there are three idiots running around town? Oh my gosh. We have to go find them!"

"Alright! Let's go!" Edward took off down the street, his skirt flapping in the wind.

"Edward, wait!" I raced after him and caught his arm. "You need to wear something over that dress. Its way too short." I dragged him back to my truck and dug an extra raincoat out of the backseat. "Charlie always makes me keep an extra coat in the backseat." I shook it out, and sighed again. "It would have to be a tan trench coat wouldn't it?"

I gave it to Edward and he put it on. I looked him and smacked my forehead with my palm. The trench coat was longer than the dress and with the heels he was wearing he just looked even more inappropriate.

"What?" He asked. "What?"

"Let's just go." I started walking around looking for Emmett and Jasper. You wouldn't think it would be hard to find a huge guy in a sundress or a giant raccoon, yet somehow they had managed to hide themselves and I couldn't find them anywhere. I glanced over my shoulder, "Hey Edward do you see . . . Edward? Edward! No flashing people!"

"I'm sorry, love, but I can't resist Jasper!"

"Try!" Once again I found myself dragging Edward through the streets. All around me people kept whistling and then screaming as they mistook Edward for a pretty redhead. And I had to admit, for a guy, he made a pretty good girl. Frankly, it disturbed me.

"Hey hot stuff, why don't you get your little butt over here," someone yelled. I rolled my eyes and kept walking.

"Edward have you considered changing into-" I turned around; Edward was poking his head into someone's car window again. "Edward, what did I say about soliciting?" I rushed over only to discover that it was Rosalie's car and the Cullen girls were all inside.

They laughed and Rosalie said, "Relax, Bella, we're just having a little fun."

"I'm not," I practically screamed. "We need to find Jasper and Emmett. Have you guys seen them anywhere?"

"We're right here," Emmett boomed. I screamed and whirled around. Emmett was still wearing his purple mini skirt and crop top but Jasper had changed out of his mascot uniform. Instead he was wearing knee-high boots, a red pleated skirt and a white button-down shirt.

"Jasper that's a brilliant idea!" Alice yelled just before Jasper shouted, "I just had a brilliant idea! We need to have a race to see who can get home the fastest. The guys will race and they'll carry their girlfriends on their backs!"

I stared the vampires before me. "You guys are crazy." They started to protest when I said, "It's not an official race unless you're betting. Fifteen bucks says Edward wins."

"No way, Emmett's way faster. Even if he's in heels."

"I think you're underestimating Jasper's ability to run fast while in heels. He is my husband after all."

"Wait, what about Esme? Carlisle isn't here what will she do?"

We turned to look at Esme who was sitting in the backseat with her cell phone pressed to her ear. "Hi, this is Amber from Dr. Cullen's office. I just wanted to let you know that we had a minor rescheduling for your appointment. Could you please come to . . ."

We watched as Esme finished her call and then laughed somewhat hysterically to herself. She looked up at us. "What? Oh, are you worried about the car? Oh don't worry; I'll bring it back home. There are just a few things I have to do first." Esme laughed again and Alice joined in, closely followed by Edward.

"You're not going to tell me what's going on are you?"

"Nope! You'll just have to wait and see," Alice said. "But if we hurry home right now we won't miss the show!"

"Esme, would you do the honors of starting the race," Edward asked.

"Of course, Edward." Esme climbed out of the car and we assembled on the street corner. We each made a few modifications to the guys' outfits.

"Alright, Edward racecar complete!"

"Emmett racecar complete!"

"Jasper you can't wear those shoes! They totally clash." We all turned to stare at Alice, who shrugged. "If he's going to cross-dress he should at least do it properly." Then we all climbed onto the guys' backs and got ready for the race.

"On your marks, get set . . . GO!" By the time I heard Esme scream 'GO' we were off, flying down the streets of Forks.

"How did it come to this," I wondered aloud. "This has to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever done."

"I know, its fun, right?" Edward called. I sighed. And then suddenly everything in front of us disappeared, replaced instead by a wall of grey smoke. The sound of several explosions pounded against my ears.

I buried my face into Edward's back. "What on earth is that?"

"Alice is using smoke bombs," Edward explained.

"Where did she find bombs?!"

I felt Edward shrug beneath me and then suddenly the smoke cleared and we were standing on the Cullen's porch. Alice and Jasper were already there and fighting with Rosalie and Emmett about who came in first. Edward walked past them and into the living room.

Carlisle was on his knees and licking chocolate syrup off the arm of the sofa. Edward plopped me into a chair across the room and I stared at Carlisle. "Carlisle, what are you-"

"Don't ask."

I had to pity Carlisle a little. I knew, from experience, the havoc that food wreaked on a vampire's body. But then I remembered what he had done to Esme just the day before. I no longer pitied him. Edward changed back into normal clothes, a pair of faded jeans and turtleneck sweater and came back downstairs holding a camera.

"Alice said we were going to want this," he said as he sat down next to me. I grinned in anticipation.

CPOV

Stupid Edward, video taping me while I'm trying to be nice to my wife. I know you can hear my thoughts, I don't care! I was getting pretty annoyed. It was one thing having to clean the couch that I had messed up. It was another thing having to clean the couch by licking it. And it was something totally different to have the clean the couch by licking it while my son and his girlfriend video taped me.

"Carlisle," Bella said cautiously. "I just wanted to let you know that the caramel is dripping over the edge of the couch arm."

I sighed. "Thank you, Bella." I climbed over to the arm and started to lick up the stream of caramel that was sliding down the fabric.

Patient's POV

"Are you sure that we're supposed to come here?"

"His assistant said he had to reschedule and had to meet us here. Look, I wrote it down. She said her name was Amber."

We walked up the steps of the front porch and opened the door. "Dr. Cullen?"

"Keep going; keep going, a little to the left. That's it, right there! There," I girl's voice was saying. "Come on, Edward, it's your turn now. Just put your hand there, that's it, right there!"

I peeked around the corner and saw Dr. Cullen's body moving up and down in a steady rhythm. I must have gasped loudly because Dr. Cullen's head popped up, with his tongue sticking out.

"Sorry to intrude, Dr. Cullen," I screamed before running out of there as fast as I could.

CPOV

I don't know what that was about, but I had a feeling it had something to do with the Twister game that Bella and Edward had started in the other room with Alice and Rosalie. That would explain why they thought they were intruding on something. But that still doesn't explain why one of my patients would show up at my house. No one knows where we live . . .

BPOV

"Alice I am not an ottoman! You can't use me to support yourself. Just use your freaky vampire strength," I yelled.

"But Bella, this is so much more fun." Alice laughed happily.

I growled.

CPOV

"Hey Carlisle," Emmett yelled, bursting suddenly into the room. "Esme said you wanted a new bathing suit, so I brought you one!" Emmett held up a can of whipped cream and before I could protest he had drawn a whipped cream bikini on me.

"Darn it, Emmett! How many times do I have to tell you, no putting whipped cream bikinis on people! Especially when they don't want it." Emmett laughed hysterically and ran out of the room.

Patient's POV

I was already on edge, I didn't like going to the doctors, even if it was just Dr. Cullen. I had managed to keep calm while I was at the hospital, I know the rooms there and I'm more comfortable. But having to come here, to this strange house in the woods was almost too much for me. But I had to do it.

"Dr. Cullen," I called cautiously as I opened the door and stepped inside. I looked to the left, into what appeared to be a living room. "Dr. Cullen!" I was shocked.

Dr. Cullen's head shot up as I screamed and his arms shot up to cover what was on his body. He whirled around; trying to hide himself from me, but it was too late.

"No, this isn't what it looks like!"

"Dr. Cullen I don't care what you and your wife like to do but please keep it to the bedroom! Don't schedule an appointment with a patient and then cover yourself in whipped cream! It's unprofessional!"

And with that I stormed out of the house, my cheeks blazing and my heart racing. Although, had I not been a happily married woman I would have thought twice about leaving.

BPOV

This was getting ridiculous. I don't know why I suggested we play Twister in the first place. But the only two games in the closet were Twister and Monopoly. And I didn't dare play Monopoly with Alice. So we were left playing Twister.

Currently I was staring up towards the ceiling. My left hand was under my back and my right was off to the side. My feet were planted on either side of the mat. I was barely able to hold myself up; luckily I had Edward's head supporting me.

"Bella, please stop leaning on my head. It's uncomfortable," Edward was pleading.

"But Edward, if I don't lean on your head then I'll be sitting on Rosalie's face!"

A few minutes into the game Emmett and Jasper had joined us. Jasper sat off to the side and spun the spinner every turn for us. Unfortunately, he was also getting us into trouble.

Jasper spun again and we all shifted. Edward's head disappeared from underneath me and just as I started to quiver someone's legs appeared. I sagged against them gratefully. But my relief was short-lived. I soon found Rosalie's chest in my face.

"Uhh, Rose?"

"I'm sorry, Bella, but I can't move. Alice and Edward are pushing against me and this is the only way I get my hand onto the right spot."

"Emmett don't you dare say anything," Alice growled.

Suddenly I felt wave after wave of uncontrollable laughter wash over me. I started to laugh, which unfortunately put my face closer to Rosalie's chest.

"Bella, stop it!"

"I . . . can't . . . help it!" I kept laughing.

"Jasper!"

CPOV

This was quickly becoming the worst day of my life. I didn't know how many more of these encounters I could handle. And I wasn't about to find out. I rushed into the kitchen and grabbed the phone off the wall. I frantically called the main secretary at the hospital.

"Amber? It's Dr. Carlisle."

"Hello, Dr. Carlisle. Is something wrong? You sound frantic, and you haven't shown up for your shift."

"Yes, look, there's been a bit of a . . . a family emergency! Yes, that's it. And I won't be able to come into work today."

"Oh dear, well I hope everything will be-"

"Amber, listen. This is important. I need you to call all of my appointments and reschedule them. And if they ask why you're calling again you can just make up some excuse."

Alright," Amber said uncertainly. "Oh but it might be too late for me to call the nurse."

"Nurse? What nurse?"

"The one that you said you wanted to come by. I believe it was one of the high school girls. Jessica Stanley. She was going to be a nurse-in-training. You don't remember? You called it in about an hour or two ago."

"An hour or two ago . . . but that was when Bella and the-" I stopped.

"Dr. Cullen? Are you alright?"

"Oh, I'm just fine, Amber. Just fine." And with that I hung up the phone just before the doorbell rang. That must be Jessica my "nurse in training," I thought. I walked calmly to the door, expecting to see Jessica in the same style of scrubs that all the nurses at the hospital wore. But, in keeping with the theme of the day, I got something completely different from what I was expecting.

APOV

It was almost time. The doorbell was going to ring in about 10 seconds and I needed to capture that on film. It would be hilarious and I would regret it forever if I didn't.

The only problem was getting out of the Twister game and grabbing the camera off the table. I took a deep breath and launched myself through the only opening I could find. Unfortunately when I launched myself Bella lost her balance, she had been leaning on my shoulder, and toppled into Edward. She landed on his stomach and he was so surprised that he went crashing down to the floor and accidentally kicked Emmett in his "man area."

Jasper just sat off to the side laughing hysterically at the chaos that was unfolding. But I didn't have time to stop and enjoy the chaos. I had to get the camera and get into position. I dove into the living room and hit the record button just as Carlisle got to the door. He was so preoccupied that he didn't notice me. And that was when the fun began.

Jessica's POV

I was so excited. I couldn't believe that Edward needed help while he was training to be a doctor. I was so honored that he had chosen me to help him, and why not? I mean, I was perfect for him; he just needed a little convincing. And once he saw me in this outfit he would finally dump Bella and choose me.

It had taken all my courage to buy this crazy outfit and drive over here, but I just kept telling myself that Edward was waiting for me. I decided to go for maximum impact. Edward was taller than me so I wouldn't have to bend down at all. I crossed my arms over my stomach, placing my hands on my opposite hips and when the door opened I started to say, "Hey Edward, I heard that you needed a little help and I-"

CPOV

As I opened the door I started in on my speech about how there was a misunderstanding and that I didn't need a nurse today and that there would be no training taking place. But I didn't get very far. Once the door was open and my eyes settled on Jessica's outfit I could tell she wasn't here for any training, not medical training anyway.

Jessica's POV

I looked up when the door opened, expecting to see the two most perfect eyes in the entire world staring down at me with a mixture of love and desire. Instead what I saw were two eyes staring down at me with a mixture of confusion, shock and just a bit of humor.

"Dr. Cullen?!"

"Hello, Jessica," he said calmly. "What are you wearing?"

"I-I-" I didn't know what to say. Why was Edward's foster father opening to door? He should have been at the hospital. On the phone Edward said that he was alone and- "Darn it! I've been had!"

APOV

I could barely keep from laughing. The look on Jessica's face when Carlisle opened the door was just priceless. And the look on Carlisle's face wasn't bad either. They just stood there staring at each other, completely dumbfounded for a good long minute before Carlisle thought to ask what Jessica was doing on his front step in a slutty nurse costume.

At that moment Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Bella and Edward came barreling around the corner, demanding to know why I had shot out of the Twister game. Edward caught a glimpse of what was going to happen and promptly turned around, walking back out of the room. He tried to drag Emmett with him but by now Emmett had caught sight of Jessica.

She was wearing a tight, white dress and white leggings. But what had caught Emmett's attention was her peek-a-boo cleavage. The buttons over her chest were pulling at the loops and there were gaps in the fabric. Emmett was giving a nice long stare at those gaps and then suddenly something happened. Had I not known better I would have thought that Emmett did it by sheer force of will. Jessica's buttons popped loose and her cleavage went from peek-a-boo to full-blown boo.

Jessica screamed, Carlisle politely walked into the kitchen, Emmett howled and Rosalie slapped him and Edward and Bella tried to keep Jasper distracted. I laughed and walked over to Jessica.

"Hey, Jess. Smile real big for the camera now," I said, pointing the camcorder at her face. She screamed again and almost turned redder than Bella.

And in the next moment she had raced out to her car and driven off.

CPOV

There were some doubts in my mind about who could have been pulling all these stupid little pranks. But once I found Jessica on my doorstep I knew who was behind it. And she was going to pay, big time.

EmPOV

Best. Day. Ever.

CPOV

A little while after that Bella went home and the others wandered off to different parts of the house. It took me all night but finally in the morning the couch was spotless . . . a little sticky, but clean and smelling fresh. I went upstairs to go see Esme, hoping dearly that she would forgive me.

"Esme dear?" I found her in our bedroom, looking out the front window at our rolling front lawn. "I finished the cleaning the couch and I even sprayed it with your favorite fabric fresheners." Esme just nodded. I walked over and touched her shoulder. "Am I forgiven?"

She looked at me and then circled around me. "Close your eyes and I'll give you a surprise," she said. She looked so much like her old self that I was sure that it would be a pleasant surprise. "A little to the left."

That's when I started to get suspicious.

BPOV

I hate that stupid hidden driveway, I thought as I drove up towards the Cullen's house. That was the only annoying thing about coming to visit Edward. I always felt like I was going to cr-CRASHYBOOM!

There was a crashing sound that sounded suspiciously like a window breaking. And then something hard crashed onto the roof of my car. I slammed on my breaks, screaming. But when I did the thing that had landed on my roof flew off the car. I tried to swerve, still breaking desperately, but I couldn't get out of the way in time and my car thumped twice as I ran over whatever it was. The only thing I had been able to see was that it was pale white and fleshy.

"I think I just killed a large albino squirrel," I said as I climbed out of the car. "Oh, no! Carlisle?!"

Emmett came out onto the front porch. "Did you just kill a large albino squirrel?"

Jasper was right behind him. "I'll have to report this to LASA."

"What's LASA," I asked.

"Can I eat some," Emmett asked.

Rosalie appeared behind Emmett and smacked him in the back of the head. "You idiot, you can't eat food!"

"LASA is the Large Albino Squirrel Association. They won't be happy that Bella killed one in our front yard."

"You idiots," Rosalie yelled, smacking Emmett again. "That's Carlisle!"

Esme stuck her head out the window in their bedroom, a window, I noticed, that no longer had any glass in it. "Hello, Bella dear, come inside. I'll make you some hot chocolate."

I took one last look at Carlisle's limp, lifeless body lying in the grass and then went inside. Esme's hot chocolate was really improving.

Author's Note: Yes, CRASHYBOOM is a word. Microsoft word does not count it as misspelled therefore it is a word :D