Emily's POV
Waiting for a stoplight to turn green is probably one of the most boring things in the world, unless you're with Sadie. She pushes on the gas pedal a few times, seemingly challenging the driver beside us to a race.
"Oh no, you don't! Behave please. You are not a child. This isn't my first time in your car, Dee. I do not need another initiation." I warn her. She ignores me and pushes down on the gas pedal again.
"I swear I will get out of this car and take a cab home if you step on that pedal before the light turns green!" I glare at her, taking my sunglasses off so she can see that I am actually glaring. She pouts at me before finally relaxing in her seat.
I know for a fact that she is in perfect control of her vehicle but sometimes she drives like she isn't. When I first rode in her car, she made it seem like she was a reckless driver, road raging and swearing at people. By the time we got to our destination, I was appalled and very grateful to still be alive. She believes it's a test or an initiation of some sort. If you can sit there and keep quiet while she's being the worst driver in the world, she knows you trust her driving skills. I didn't tell her I was just too scared she'd crash my side of the car into a tree if I actually said anything.
"Stoplights need to have a heat sensor or something. That way, they'd automatically turn green whenever I go near them." She states matter of factly.
"Oh, really? You're just THAT hot?" I raise my eyebrows at her, teasing.
"Yep! And you better stay away from stoplights too. You'd probably break them 'cos you're WAAAY hotter than I am." She flashes me a flirty smile. I strike the hottest sexiest model look I can muster when the light suddenly turns green. We stare at each other for a moment, astonished, before bursting into laughter.
"See. I told you." She says as our laughter dies down and she drives forward. Not long after, I receive a text message from Hanna.
"How's the trip going so far? Any progress with Sadie? Tell me everything later!" Of course, only Hanna would think this is actually a real date, rather than something Sadie and I both do to help each other ease through the pain of this day. I shake my head and brush it off, deciding to call my mom before we get to our destination. I kind of forgot to call her last night. The phone rings and she picks up quickly.
"Emily! How are you, honey? Having fun with Sadie? Your friends told me about your trip." It's so good to hear my mom's voice.
"Hi mom. How are you? We're still on the road."
"Hi Mrs. Fields! It's a real pleasure to drive your daughter around New York!" Sadie shouts. I look at her, horrified. My mom has no idea how my relationship with Sadie works. I have no doubt she'd be okay with her, but still, a little discretion wouldn't hurt.
"Is that Sadie? Tell her I said hi. Bring home a stuffed walrus if you see one. I'm going to save it for your dad's birthday. You know how his snores sound like a walrus."
"Mom, I-"
"I have to go, Emily. The painter's here. I'm redecorating the living room." My mom says in a hurried voice. She must be really missing my dad. That's what she does when she's having trouble handling his being away, she redecorates. She and Paige had a lot of bonding moments over that. There would be Skype calls, my mom holding the laptop out in front of her, showing Paige all the changes she made. There were times she was more in touch with my own girlfriend than I was. That's also one of the reasons I don't come home too often. Our house is like Paige's personal portfolio. The only room she hasn't touched is mine and that's only because she insists it's so me and she wants to keep it that way.
"Okay, mom. I really miss you.." My voice trails off. I didn't realize how much I miss her.
"I miss you too. And Emily?" She waits for my acknowledgement.
"Yeah?"
"Let time heal you, okay? Sometimes distractions help too. Sadie seems to be a nice g-"
"MOM!" I bark, exasperated. I take a glimpse at Sadie, thankful that she can't hear what my mom just said.
"I just want my little girl to be happy. Have fun and be careful, please. You almost fed yourself to the sea otters when you were a child." She ends the call. Otters? Before I can explore my thoughts, my phone beeps.
"Emily, I love you so I'm telling you this in advance since I won't be there to give you advice. It's a bad idea to get a stuffed penguin or basically anything that has to do with penguins. No matter how similar you may seem to one, you are NOT a penguin, okay? Remember that!" There's a line skip then a message from Aria in the same text. They must be together right now, drinking tea while Spencer reads the latest Psychology journals and Aria writes chapters.
"I totally agree with Spence. She just forced me to listen to a bunch of penguin trivia which I'm sure she'll do to you if you bring home anything resembling a penguin. Be wise and spare yourself. –Aria"
Why is everyone acting so weird? Hanna's text was the sanest one and that's saying something. I turn to Sadie who is focused on the road.
"Hey Sadie?" I chew on my lower lip, thinking about where we're headed.
"Yes, my lovely passenger?" She smiles at me, aware that I'm figuring things out.
"Where exactly are we going?" I ask, things falling into place in my head.
"You picked a weird time to ask. We're already here!" She stops and turns her head around, looking for parking.
"The New York Aquarium?" I gulp.
"Yes, the Aquarium. I told you we have to beat the tourists. There are only a few parking spaces left." She says to me while heading towards the empty spot nearest the entrance.
"Why here?" I feel tense.
"You love the water and I love me some Emily. So I figured bringing you here won't be a bad idea. What do you think?" She parks and is preparing to leave the car.
"I think.." I pause. The New York Aquarium is one of the places Paige and I dreamt of visiting together. We had a lot of lists and one of those was a list of places to go to after we graduate. I'm not sure I'm up for this today of all days. I'm not sure I can go inside and not think of her the whole time. It will be unfair to Sadie and it will just ruin our day. But I guess today isn't about Paige and what we had anymore. Today is about making new memories with someone else, someone who's come closest to making me feel as alive as I did when I was with Paige. I know that no one will ever replace her. No one can ever break my heart as much as she did when she passed away. She will always be my Paige, my soul mate, my forever. I owe it to myself and to Sadie to at least give whatever we have a chance. Besides, what would Paige say to me if I refused to visit those places just because she's not with me?
You're wasting your life and your youth, Em.
That's what she'd say. I make a mental note to go over that list and plan to visit each one, in her memory.
I sit still for a while, closing my eyes, trying to drown out my memories – all the excited conversations and planning we used to do. I open my eyes and find Sadie looking at me. She knows I'm debating with myself over something and she's patiently waiting for my go signal that this is okay. She's so considerate, always putting my feelings first ahead of hers.
"It's a wonderful idea." I beam at her. She takes my hand in hers and we walk to the entrance. Once we get inside, I grab a map and take a picture of the scheduled show and feeding times for the day.
"Aren't you the little tourist?" Sadie rolls her eyes at me. "If I didn't like you as much as I do, I'd be embarrassed." She jokes.
"Ha-ha. Don't blame me when you find yourself inside one of the exhibits, begging me to save your ass." I joke back while looking at the map. I've seen this map before. Paige and I have downloaded it from the internet, contemplating our route. I justify thinking of Paige by choosing to use the same route we used to spend hours talking about.
"Well, that's some big leaps we're taking, don't you think? Earlier today you didn't even want to go out and now you're talking about my wonderful ass. Careful, Ems. I just might take you up on that offer." She gives me a nudge.
"Seriously? You're impossible!" I look away, trying to hide the blush creeping into my face. It's unbelievable how Sadie can turn things around. If a rollercoaster ride of emotions could kill, I'd be dead by now. At least with A, I was either terrified or angry. Not to say that I want A back but with Paige and Sadie, I'm always shifting between two ends of a pole. I feel a breeze, bringing with it the smell of fish, reminding me where I am.
"Okay, let's take pictures with the Bathysphere first to get that out of the way. We then head straight to the Sea Lion demonstration which starts at 11. We should be able to get good seats since it's only 10:30. After that, we check out both major exhibits. I figured we could skip lunch or just buy snacks and eat on the way to the Shark Tank. We have to get to Sea Cliffs by 2:30 because feeding time is at 3. Next, we head to the Conservation Hall and then Glover's Reef. For our last stop, the gift shop. Come on, walk faster! There's a lot of fish to see!" I say enthusiastically, hooking my arm around hers as I pull her towards the Bathysphere.
"Wow. Are you sure you haven't been here before? We should do this more often. Lieutenant Fields turns me on." I avoid looking at her, afraid I might have to own up to the truth and admit to myself that Paige is still on my mind. I haven't been here but it's not hard to memorize a route you've gone over hundreds of times before.
"Are you sure about that? I do believe that's my father you're talking about." I try to hide a smile, knowing full well what she means. Maybe my mom is right. Distractions can be a good thing and Sadie? She's turning out to be a very good distraction.
As we go about the day as planned, I feel pleased with myself. I have been able to keep thoughts about Paige to a minimum with my attention mostly on Sadie. This redhead is just one big ball of energy, engulfing me and making me feel like every day I'm with her is a day for change. I congratulate myself for doing so well despite the setback I had this morning.
We buy some fish sticks and finish eating outside the Shark Tank. We head inside and I can't help but gasp at the sight of these creatures. I used to say all the time that I am a shark. A huge part of my life revolved around being one. Seeing them up close, they look so majestic, gliding through the water, looking so vindictive. Exactly how Paige looks during a meet, just before she pulls her goggles over her eyes, always out to eat the enemy. No wonder she used to be the captain of the Rosewood Sharks. I walk a few steps ahead of Sadie. Once again, I can feel tears threatening to flow. I've been to other aquariums before and I've obviously seen sharks too but I have never felt like this. I feel so grateful for this creature. Although it was just a team name and a logo, it was what brought Paige to me. Before she became my love, before she became my friend, she was first a team mate.
"I didn't think you'd be so smitten by sharks." Sadie stops beside me.
"Oh, sorry. It's just.. I used to be in a swim team back in high school. We were called the Sharks." I whisper, still following the huge fish with my eyes.
"You don't look like a shark to me, Emily. Maybe a vegetarian one. One who's too nice to eat other fish." She pulls me towards the exit, probably sensing my grief. "Sea Cliffs by 2:30, right Sergeant?"
"Hey, I thought I was lieutenant?" I choose to leave Paige behind for a while and enjoy my time with Sadie.
"Yeah? Well, you've just been demoted." She tucks her hair behind her ears and places her hands in her pockets. She slows down, allowing me to pass her.
"And why is that?" I ask, turning around to look at her.
"For being too damn sexy in that denim skirt! Keep that up and you'll be discharged from my army." She takes a few steps towards me, tiptoes and kisses me on the cheek, then takes my arm and once again pulls me along. All I can do is follow her, half walking, half stumbling. How can a girl so small be so strong, literally and figuratively?
We walk through the underwater viewing area of Sea Cliffs, watching the penguins, otters, and seals swim around. At 2:45, we go back up and pick a nice viewing spot. We take pictures with our cameras and phones while we wait for the feeding to start. When the zoo keepers arrive, the penguins gather around them, all wanting some fish. They start stating facts and trivia about the birds. I listen secretly, remembering Spencer, curious as to what her text was all about.
"You might think that penguins are just like other birds and animals. But what most of you don't know is that they're more alike to humans than we think they are. Did you know that most penguins are monogamous? They only stick to one mate year after year. During mating season, male and female penguins gather at nesting grounds and find mates. Most of the time, females choose the same mate they had the previous season. On the off chance that they pick different male penguin, it's because the male is late returning to the colony or didn't return at all. Lovely, isn't it?" She said, nonchalantly as she handed out fish, like it was part of a script.
"I guess the human race could learn a thing or two about penguins." Sadie distracts me from the feeding.
"Let's head to the Conservation Hall and Glover's Reef." I say, suddenly tired. I'm tired of the penguins. I sure as hell am not buying any penguin souvenirs. I can already hear Spencer spouting out trivia and mentioning this – Penguins and monogamy. I can't bear to hear about it again.
I pass through the small aquariums and the turtles passively, heading out to the gift shop. So much for congratulating myself earlier today. How can I be so stupid to think that I can stop thinking of Paige? Everything reminds me of her. This whole damn place reminds me of her. I look at all the souvenirs, eager to get out of this place. I grab a stuffed walrus for my mom. I'm not even aware that I lost track of Sadie until she jumps in front of me, wearing a sea otter cap.
"That suits you. You should wear that while you serve your customers." I tell her as I get a stuffed shark – a tribute to the Rosewood Sharks and of course, to the captain.
"I doubt they'd want to buy coffee from a sea otter barista. Here, I was going to get you this but I'll pay for this one instead." She places a shark cap on top of my head, snatches the stuffed shark away from my hands and heads towards the counter.
"Sadie, wait!" I raise my voice a little and walk faster to stop her from paying for anything.
"What? You like the shark cap better? You look like a cute baby shark in it." She smiles gleefully.
"No, it's not that. I appreciate it, really. But I just.." I sigh. By now, my mood has changed completely and I just want to be alone. All the optimism I had today, about it being a day for new memories, has disappeared.
"I just want to pay for this on my own." I look down as I say this, mimicking Paige's habit. I feel like I have to apologize to Sadie. She steps away from the counter and lets me make my purchase. As we walk back to her car, we remain silent.
The drive back is taking longer than I expected. It seems like my thoughts have the power of slowing time. By the time we get back to Café Diem, it's almost dinner time. I sit at the bench outside, wondering if I should leave now or eat dinner here with Sadie. Before I can make up my mind, she takes a seat beside me, holding 2 plates of pizza.
"You have pizza here?" My eyes widen.
"No, I had Riley order this for us on the way back. I thought this might help you feel better when my flirting can't do the job anymore." How is it that she knows me so well?
"That's sweet. Thank you." I smile at her before taking a huge bite. Thinking of Paige made me forget that we only had snacks for lunch. I can't believe how hungry I am.
"Woah. I guess you have some shark in you, after all!" Sadie teases. I continue eating, smirking at her comment.
"Your ex-girlfriend. She was a Shark too, wasn't she? That's why you wanted to pay for the stuffed shark." She asks me, like she's just thinking out loud. I swallow and realize I owe Sadie an explanation.
"Yeah, she was. I'm sorry for how I acted at the gift shop. It just reminded me so much of her and though a lot of things do, somehow, this felt different. I wouldn't have met her if it weren't for the swim team. It's where it all started though it took a couple of years before we actually became friends. We both anchored a lot but she was the team captain." It feels good to talk to Sadie about this. I want to keep going but I hold myself back.
"God, I didn't know swimming is such a popular sport. My ex used to be on a swim team too. Captain, as well. You should meet her, since you both like swimming so much. She still swims thrice a week as part of her work out. I used to tease her a lot about all the working out she does. When we were still together, she ran everyday and swam thrice a week."
Running and swimming. That's also my work out routine, though I swim more often than I run. Paige used to run and swim everyday but that was way back when she was a part of the Sharks. She retained that routine when she joined Stanford's swim team except she trained with more passion. Come to think of it, Paige also became the captain of the Stanford Cardinal Swim Team. During her freshman year, she already anchored in almost half of their meets. She did all that while still being in the top of her class and not to mention, the best girlfriend in the world. Ugh, classic McCullers, always striving to be the best. Some people say the higher you go, the harder you fall. That wasn't true with Paige. She didn't know how to go anywhere else but up. I'm proud to say the only falling she did was with me and I wasn't going anywhere. The smell of pizza and my hunger is too great to ignore. Even Paige can't keep me away from my pizza.
"Isn't she an interior designer? I doubt she works out because of her job." I say before taking another bite.
"I used to think she had to bring in all the furniture herself with all the exercise she does. That was until she told me that she actually hires people to help her bring in and install the furniture." Sadie snorts. All this talking about our exes.. I can't help but think that if Paige were still alive, I'd mistake her for Sadie's ex-girlfriend. Of course, if she were still alive, she'd be with me and not anyone else.
"Some people just like to stay fit, you know." I smile at what Sadie said. Maybe it's just because Paige also wanted to become an interior designer so I know it doesn't work the way Sadie thought it did. I think it's cute how she can be childlike sometimes. I finish my pizza and wipe my mouth with a napkin.
"Well, I know that now. All that training did her body wonders. And oh god, her stamina." Sadie says with dreamy eyes. I throw my balled up napkin at her.
"If you're going to tell me all about your sexcapades again, I'm gonna leave now. You share too much information when it comes to that topic." I stand up to leave.
"Fine. Leave me to my sex memories, Fields." She stands up too and I walk her back to the door. I hug her tight.
"Thanks for dinner and thanks for the really fun day. I enjoyed the aquarium." I say before letting go. I really mean it.
"Even after the penguins?" What did I expect? Sadie always notices those things.
"It just came too close for comfort, Dee." I mumble.
"It's okay. You know the route you had planned? That's exactly the same route my ex and I took when we went there. What a big coincidence, right?" She purses her lips.
"Hey Sadie! I saw this stuck on the bench this morning. Maybe it's for you! Hey Emily!" Riley hands Sadie a folded up post-it note and waves at me before he goes back to serving coffee.
"Damn that Riley. Folding a post-it. If this is so important, they would have called or actually left a decent letter." Sadie grumbles. She tries to open it for a few seconds then gives up. The edges are stuck together. It is after all, a post-it. She throws it inside my bag of stuffed animals instead. "There, you have it. You're more patient than I am when it comes to those things. If it's some important message for me, although I highly doubt that by the way it was delivered via bench mail, I trust you enough to pass it on."
I laugh at her annoyance with the post-it. Sadie is patient with a lot of things and this is obviously not one of them. She turns around and goes back inside. I begin my walk home.
I started the day thinking about Paige and here I am, ending it, still thinking of her. I think about how I can move on if she's always on my mind. I don't think of her on purpose. I experience one thing, even though it's new, and something just always reminds me of her. Maybe that's how it is when you've been with someone long enough and have set your mind and heart to be with that person the rest of your life. And once you lose them, you never get used to their absence. You just learn to exist around it. You didn't know it but when you still had them, they took up residence in every nook and cranny of your being.
The thing is, I don't want to stop thinking of Paige. As much as it breaks me to think of her, it's also what keeps me going. When I'm not in my slump, when I'm my normal self and I feel unsure of anything, I think of Paige and how certain she seemed to be of everything. When I feel burnt out with swimming, I recall all the times we had fun swimming together. When I feel like nothing's going right, when I feel dead inside, remembering how we used to be reminds me that I'm capable of feeling safe and content and thriving, that once in my life I was able to feel that.
Paige will always be a part of my life, a part of me, now more than ever. I may have new girlfriends or love interests or distractions. On second thought, maybe I should just learn to be happy living my life in the company of friends and family. Because at the end of the day, when I feel incapable of being myself and of being human, the only person who can hold me and pull me back together hasn't changed. It's still her. It's still Paige McCullers.