A/N: Nothing from twilight is mine.

So there's been some weirdness with login, got tons of writing done over the weekend, at least.

This is a pretty long chapter with darkness and angst, hope you don't mind, got a bit carried away. Enjoy! :)

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Chapter 10

Any reservations I'd had about taking contact with Jake again were demolished the second I saw his face again that day. I couldn't believe how dim-witted I'd been, thinking I could live without him in my life. He was my safe harbor, for fucks sake. And I really felt as if I was coming home when I threw my arms around his neck. Add beer, and it was healing time.

We embraced tightly in silence in his dorm doorway, my body cried out for him to make it all better. I wanted him to work his magic, like only he knew, to instantly make it all feel insignificant.

I'd called directly after seeing Edward with the girl, Jake had picked up on the first ring.

"Where do you live?" I'd asked him simply, there wasn't time for anything else. Hopefully I'd reach his dorm relatively quickly. He had stammered the name of his dorm and threw in directions as well. My Jake, he knew me so well.

Reaching the dorm from the library was a piece of cake, I could walk in a straight line and stop when I bumped into it. That was the level of difficulty even I could easily master.

Jake lifted me slightly, not letting me go, but turned and walked with me hanging around his neck into his room and closed the door. He put me down gently and then dislodged my arms from his neck.

Pain welled up inside me when I saw how his face was twisted in all sorts of emotions.

"I'm sorry," I said, and peered into his eyes with all the sincerity I could muster. "I need you, Jake, I know that now. I've forgiven you, and right now I just need you to be with me like before."

His frown ceased and he seemed surprised by my exclamation. Then he frowned again. I reached my hand to his forehead, stretched on the tip of my toes to do it, touching his dark skin with my index finger.

"Don't frown, get beer," I said Neanderthal-like and smiled.

Then he became old Jake, carefree Jake with his face glowing of tenderness and joy. I couldn't wait for my instant cup of Jake magic.

I sat down on what I figured was his bed, surrounded by Jake's clothes on the floor. I curled my legs up under me and watched him pull out a six pack from the fridge. Fortunately his roommate wasn't here to bother us, and we could talk freely.

We didn't.

After he handed me the beer, an awkward silence filled the room. Somehow I knew we were supposed to discuss what had happened, but that was not what I needed right now. I wanted Jake to be my pick-me-up, not soul search with him and share our pain like girls.

"How're your classes?" I began, grabbing the opportunity to turn this into a purely enjoyable conversation before he was able to start braiding my hair and sob it out.

"They are great, I really feel like I've found my path in life, Bella," he said, a tad too seriously for my taste.

"Any crappy professors?" I said, hoping for trash-talk to turn this, he quickly picked up what my intentions were.

"Oh, yes," he grinned, my chest heaved in anticipation of being fed distractions to free it from the grave thoughts I could feel churning. "This one guy keeps forgetting to turn of his cell while having a lecture, and it rings constantly, Falcon Crest theme song," he laughed loudly. "And he answers them and stands on the fucking podium having conversations with whoever."

I laughed thankfully and drank of the beer. Laughter and alcohol, it was to me synonymous with Jake.

"So then, one day in class, after just hanging up from another call, the professor gets another incoming phone – he answers it, and we hear a guy in the audience saying: 'hey, this is Mark, would you mind turning off your phone and finish the damn lecture?'"

We kept on with these easy going subjects, slowly re-bonding and ending up finishing all of his beer quite quickly. I was already feeling the buzz. The freedom of the buzz, coupled with Jake's much needed presence, it was like being released from my inner hell.

Jake ordered pizza and left me alone for ten minutes while he went to buy us refills at the store. When he left and I was alone surrounded by silence I began scouting around me for something to entertain myself with. I spotted his laptop and decided some music would be nice, got up and walked over to it. I drew my finger across the mouse pad to get the screensaver off, but to my annoyance it was passworded. I grinned, taking the challenge. Who knew Jake better then I did anyways?

I tried everything, from his favorite motor cycle, his pet iguana Dory from seventh grade, and nothing. I even tried my name. I furiously started looking for some sort of clue, more out of irritation that I didn't know him as well as I had thought, then in belief of stumbling upon it.

I opened the drawer in his desk and started moving things around with my hand, mostly trash. Then my fingers hit something which made a familiar sound. I wrapped my fingers around the bottle and pulled out the familiar orange pill-container. I didn't know of him needing any medicine, I looked anxiously over my shoulder before turning it around to read the label. It seemed as if it had been intentionally scraped off to hide its contents.

I snorted disappointedly, peering intently at the shredded label as to make it miraculously reappear as before ruined.

"What are you doing, Bella?" I heard Jake's voice suddenly from behind me. I screamed in surprise and threw the container into the air while turning around to face him, terrified.

"I'm sorry, I was looking for a password to put on some music and I got nosy, "I am sorry," I repeated, and saw him thoughtfully put down the beer.

"It's ok. They are some pills Tyler, my roommate, gave me. He uses them to keep himself alert and on top for longer periods of time." Jake went over to the floor where they'd landed safely and picked the container up. "Want to try one?"

I gulped. I'd never been one for narcotics, alcohol had been my drug of choice.

"What is it exactly?" I asked carefully, I felt myself being lured into wanting to try it, but didn't want to rush stupidly into it still. Or make it seem like I didn't.

"Ecstasy, it's great, you feel like you're on the top of the world, you feel like the happiest person alive, Bella." He looked at me with this funny look, as if he wanted to see me accept, because that would validate his use of them as well. If I did decline, he would have someone indirectly telling him he was doing something foolish. I think he already knew he was, like I did.

"They will make me feel good?" He had me at feeling like the happiest person alive. Hell, right now I'd settle for any kind of happiness. I think that's what I probably did.

"Yes, want to take some together?" He opened the lid and cocked out a few. He handed me one single pill, I grabbed it and walked over to the bed. We sat next to each other in silence, he handed me a beer and we swallowed them down with it.

I couldn't help myself from grinning in anticipation.

I felt like I was making my body obey me, I made it make me feel good.

And it did, a thousand times what I could have imagined.

Jake and I sat in his room for what must have been an hour after the drug kicked in, just talking like crazy, having wild intellectual discussions about what seemed as great ideas, I felt like my body was so in sync with what I always had wanted to feel.

Pleasure filled me like a tidal wave, refreshing and refreshing it self, regenerating and pulsating through me. I saw the world with different glasses, there were meaning and love everywhere. My relationship to Jake felt stronger, we hardly sat more then an inch a way, constantly being physically close.

We went out after awhile, just walking around campus, watching the wonderful world unfold in front of our eyes like we'd never seen it before. We held hands and ran around in the early summer evening like little children. We rolled in the grass, danced in a fountain, discussed angles and perspectives we'd never before noticed.

It was like breathing, seeing, touching love everywhere. I even loved myself.

After a few more hours we started falling, and it was starting to get dark around us. Jake walked me to my dorm and I promised to call him the next day. He told me to hydrate and get lots of sleep, hugged me tightly and left.

I entered my room and threw myself onto my bed, starting to feel exhausted, but still the drug's effect lingered pleasantly in me.

I didn't even notice Rosalie, she coughed lowly from her desk where she sat with her books. I turned my head slowly and looked at her, still on my back, spread on my bed.

"Was that Jake?" she asked hesitantly. I nodded and couldn't help from smiling. She was so incredibly beautiful.

"Yes, he's great," I stated and got up from the bed and walked to the bathroom. She didn't say anything, but watched me carefully as I danced towards the door next to her. I opened the door and paused in the opening, leaned my head towards the wall and sighed.

"You're the loveliest person alive, Rose. You are, beautiful!" I said, smiling widely, then went into the bathroom.

When I returned and fixed myself a glass of water, I felt her eyes on me suspiciously.

I went to bed and fell asleep for the first time for a long time feeling like the world was a safe and good place.

This was not the world I woke up to. My head ached and I felt tired from all the running and rolling in the grass. Rose was already up, sitting silently on her bed and painting her toes. She didn't even look at me when I rolled out of bed, grunting and panting.

"Do you want to come with me to Edward's today? He's holding a party," she said absent-mindedly. I paused on my way to the fridge and felt a sneer on my lips. Edward.

It was nice of her to ask me, I figured she was trying to include me, but she didn't know how I in so many ways did not ever want to see him again. And that I at the same time would have to in five days. She didn't even know I'd seen him since he ran off after kissing me.

Rose held her poise, not wavering as she waited for my answer. Determined to not let it slip she knew there was weirdness going on with me. I tried to move normally, and even though I knew it must've come off as an obvious charade, it was better then going with my gut on how to react. I wanted to throw the bottle of Mountain Dew I now held in my hands at something and I wanted that something to break into pieces.

This whole situation, with me having a secret connection to him that they didn't know of, was starting to grow ridiculously closer to a farce. I couldn't just spill out that I'd seen him with another girl with what she knew, she'd think me crazy to even have a reaction at all after only speaking to him for one evening. Even with the time we'd spent together without her knowing, even I felt I was overreacting.

The only card I could play, was that they figured I would be rendered humiliated and probably feel uncomfortable being in near proximity to him again. But nothing close to topple over on marble library stairs or doing drugs with my assaulting best friend.

I didn't even understand it, and I knew the whole story.

"I have plans," I heard my voice come out in a timid squeak. The Amazon on the bed didn't move. She just eyed me suspiciously.

"With Jake?" I could hear it in her tone, the disapproving comments dying to be uttered.

"Yes, I know it sounds… stupid, after what he did. But he has done so much nice for me over the years to let a great friendship fall because of one mistake," I defended him. I went over to sit on my bed, soles on the floor, facing her. She sat Indian style with her long legs, elbows on knees and a little forward crouch in her back.

"Be careful, Bella," she said gravely.

Both knew there was a whole lot that could have been said, but she left it at that. I was thankful she didn't meddle, and I think she knew it would have done nothing but make me barricade her out. So she'd chosen a different path to reach me. I didn't want to be reached, I had found my fountain of happiness, my holy grail was pill-shaped.

I grabbed my phone while she swung her legs on the other side of her bed and went over to her computer on the desk. I wrote a quick text to Jake, asking to hang out later. Hopefully I could get a refill of 'orange container-happiness'. Plus, I didn't want to end up having lied to Rose about having plans.

Only seconds passed before I got a reply, a big smiley and a yes. With exclamation point. I sighed in relief, while deciding to get a shower.

When showered and done I twisted a towel around my head and myself, put on some slippers and went to get some clothes across our room in my closet.

I jumped a bit seeing tiny Alice staring at me from the bed. I didn't know how, but she managed to look frighteningly sinister. She sat on my bed, sending me a chilly look across the room. My eyes flew to Rose, who raised her eyebrows in a sigh, while turning to face her computer again.

Apparently they had been talking about me. I didn't know what, but something had been said to make Alice look like a dangerous little pixie person.

My feet went quick over the floor, reaching my cabinet, I pulled the doors aside and snatched the first and best clothing item I could reach in each shelf. Pink and orange wasn't so bad together, right?

"I don't know what's going on with you, Bella." Alice's ominous voice clung melodiously in the room abruptly. I was glad I wasn't facing her. She sounded furious. "We're not ignorant of how your behavior swings, there's something making it swing, and even though I don't know what, I wish you would try to make me understand." Her voice ended in much less anger then it had started out, a heartbreaking tone of concern breaking through.

"I'm sorry about not being at the picnic yesterday," I started, uselessly. She cut me off with a snort.

"I don't mean that, I mean you. You. There's something influencing you, and I can see you struggle. I bet yesterday on the stairs was probably only the tip of the ice berg," she said, and I heard Rose turn around on her chair, probably staring at Alice's forwardness.

"What do you know? Nothing. You're speculating and saying I'm in need of help?" I scowled and turned around facing her. She was a bit taken aback by my reaction, and took a second to gather herself.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but it's like I can see the signs of you slipping and you're not even reaching out for us. I just wish you would reach out and try to stop it," she whispered.

I bit my teeth together. My life was hardly as theatrical as she portrayed it, so what, I experimented a bit to feel better, and I had had a ridiculous crush on her cousin. I was dealing with it, I was doing fine. Who was she to come here and say I was in need of assistance for some dramatic events she created in her own fantasy-land. Who was she to deny me from what happiness I could scrounge together? Because it seemed I had to borrow my happiness, I couldn't just have it in my life as she did, I thought bitterly. Her world was probably perfect and shiny, where everyone felt good about themselves all the time, so that when I showed up it would seem to them as if I was only barely keeping my head above water.

"I am fine," I said sharply.

She shook her head slowly, glancing down for a second. I felt bad for being so angry with her.

"I'm fine," I repeated, this time more softly and approached her gently. I sat down on the bed next to her and bit my lip slightly. "Don't worry about me, ok? I am really fine," my voice actually had a ring of sincerity to it, and she looked as if convinced back up at me.

"I hope you're right. But I get worried, you seem so fragile, Bella," she said, making me chuckle. I seemed fragile to her, she had to be the tiniest grown up person I'd ever met.

"I'm a lot sturdier then I seem," I said and beamed a smile at her.

My phone vibrated and I read Jake's message about how he would be alone from seven. That was in three hours.

"So, are you not coming because of my cousin or because of Jake?" She asked, changing the subject.

"Both, I guess," I said, putting my phone down.

"I tried to talk to him about it, by the way, as I said I would. He's an ass and didn't stay long enough for me to beat some sense out of or in him," she rolled her eyes demonstratively.

"It's ok, I've only met him like once and half times, I don't even think of it anymore," I said, lying through my teeth with every single word coming out of my mouth.

"That's good, maybe Emmett has some cute friends?" Alice said wickedly and turned towards Rosalie. Rose grinned.

"Probably, I could ask him to bring some next time we're hanging out," Rose offered kindly and snickered.

"Well, I got to meet this infamous Emmett yesterday," Alice declared with a satisfied grin. "He was exactly Rose's type. Manly, brute-like nearly in size," she halted as Rose scoffed from her desk, before Alice added sweetly, "and generous, kind and sweet."

"I know, right?" Rose gushed and cheered enthusiastically from her chair. I smiled, happy for her. "Can't wait to see him tonight!"

"Too bad you're not coming, Bella, you're missing drunken horny Rose rubbing against her beau like a lovesick puppy," Alice teased evilly and ducked gravefully as a pillow came flying from the other side of the room.

Being with Rose and Alice like this was nice. It felt genuinely good, but not nearly as well as I would feel three hours later.

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Jake and I did ecstasy with great effect the next three days in a row. Tuesday I was so exhausted I just lay in bed all day, drinking water and tending to my aching body. I felt like my tendons had aged 20 years over three days, and I knew I had to get some rest. I was having my first session of psychotherapy tomorrow with Dr. Cullen, I didn't plan on being visibly high when I was going there.

My class attendance was what suffered the consequences of my happiness. I sat up all night with Jake, then sleeping the rest of the day. It was an amazing time. I wanted to feel happy every single second of my waking hours, nearly sprinting my way to Jake the second I had recovered from the previous night.

Tuesday evening as I sat in bed and felt lousy, a collective summation from the use of drugs earlier and the lack of them in the moment, Rose entered. She sighed when she saw me.

"Rough night?" She asked and threw her keys on her desk. I didn't reply. Her hands flew resolutely to her hips. "Bella, lets eat out on me, there's a Chinese place in the city that rocks."

I felt my stomach ruble loudly just by the sound of food. When was the last time I ate? The previous days were one big daze.

"Okay," I agreed, Rose smiling as if she'd been victorious in some way.

"I hope you plan on cleaning up a bit before we go, I don't think they serve hobos," she said teasingly. I knew I looked like shit, though.

"Give me half an hour," I said.

Her car was amazing. A red BMW convertible that she'd got from her parents as a graduation gift when finishing high school. I wanted her parents.

While enjoying my too short time in her car, driving the short distance it took to reach down town, I sat with eyes closed letting the wind play with my hair. Now and then I felt a fleeting moment of happiness, and was thankful to Rosalie for dragging me out with her.

The food really was heavenly. While eating, Rosalie got a call from Alice, and told her to come join us. She floated into the restaurant few minutes later, looking pleased seeing me outsides and eating. We ended up sitting there for hours, ordering a second refill with food when we regained our hunger after awhile, talking about random subjects and themes.

At one point Rosalie brought up Saturday's events. They had been avoiding it nicely for quite some time, and I had been expecting to have it come up eventually. They exchanged quick glances when she began speaking, I pretended like I didn't notice.

"He is so good-hearted," she was on about Emmett at the time, "he couldn't shut up all Sunday about how sorry he was for breaking Edward's glass table," she laughed, joined by Alice.

"He was showing a football move," Alice shot in to fill me in on the background.

"Was a really memorable evening," Rosalie sighed and sipped off her coke. "I really wish you'd been there, Bella, you were missed."

"Yeah, Edward even asked for you," Alice added, but her facial expression shifted slightly the next second and she seemed to brace herself for the following sentence. "He introduced us to his girlfriend Tanya, as well."

They eyed me warily, stillness dominating at our table for the first time in hours. I steadied myself visibly.

"Oh, really, that's great," I said, and pat myself mentally on the back for saying it with a leveled voice. They both let out a breath by my reaction and Alice continued the conversation quickly. We spoke about the party for some time, both of them taking every opportunity to insult Tanya as it presented itself.

"I loved that dress on you, Rose! You know what colors suit you, not like Tanya, showing up in that hideous piece she wore." They gushed about the hideousness for awhile, I basked shamelessly in it.

"She will not have any say about my wedding dress, that's for sure," Alice laughed wickedly. I gloated in the cruelty they served me.

"You and Jasper are so right for each other, you understand each other on so many levels. Take Tanya for example, she didn't even get Edward's jokes," and they had laughed evilly.

I couldn't help but enjoy these obvious friendly gestures, and laughed heartily with every single one of the spiteful comments they dished up for me.

When I went to bed that night I wasn't nearly as unhappy I thought I'd be short of a drug high.

My appointment at Dr. Cullen's office went by quickly. He'd only commented my drained appearance in passing, kindly not dwelling on it. I looked tons better then the previous day, but I was still recovering from several days of assembled fatigue.

He told me he'd read Edward's rapport from our hike and said he was positively surprised on how successful it had been. He smiled widely at this.

Soon he'd wanted to talk to me about me, he said he wanted to get to know me better, that by understanding me he'd be able to figure out just how to direct the treatment. He felt my resistance at having to share my feelings, but tip toed carefully around my thickest walls. He was quite the smart fox, dragging things out of me I'd never thought I'd ever let slip.

"Edward mentioned you had had a reaction to dogs." He stated matter-of-factly. I nodded hesitantly. "What kind of dogs did you have when you were younger?"

I was taken aback by this unforeseen question. "Two great Danes, Cooper and Josh. How so?" I asked, wanting to know his intention.

"I am trying to figure out how you went from being at ease near these huge dogs, and not another later on," he admitted. "You were comfortable in these dogs' presence?"

"Yes, they were great dogs. I felt like they were the only ones I could talk to at some point," I said, smiling slightly remembering them both.

"At what point would that be?"

I bit my teeth together, realizing what he was trying to do. He smiled disappointedly at my reaction, clearly tensing up. It was he who had to change the subject after not getting a sound out of me.

"How is your family situation, Isabella?" He asked with a voice layered in unimportance, taking notes on a sheet in front of him. He was trying hard to not give off his interest.

"I lived with my dad until moving here, we've had our disagreements, but he is great," I said shortly, knowing I couldn't evade this.

"Do you feel as if you have a close relationship?" He glanced up at me.

"Not really, we're fine in each other's presence, but we don't talk. We haven't spoke since he dropped me off here three weeks ago," I said truthfully. If he became interested in my failed relationship with dad, he might forget all about..

"What about your mother?" He asked then, I shifted in my seat. It was really directly uncomfortable, I was used to being asked about her. I think people with both parents alive and well never noticed how many times your parents come up on casual conversation.

"She died when I was little, I moved to my dad permanently after it happened," I stated with no difficulty. Before he had the chance to ask, I interrupted him. "Cancer," I said.

"At what age were you when she got sick?" He asked curiously and put his pen down while listening. Complete attention.

"I moved to dad's when I was seven, when she was admitted to a facility. I was never exposed to anything dramatic, I can see it churning in your head, but I wasn't. It was sad and I was devastated when losing her. But I wouldn't turn into Norman Bates if you handed me a motel."

He nodded.

"It is no secret you have troubles, though, Bella. A child losing its mother at such an early age, dramatic events or not, it is possible it might not be the source, but at the least potential fuel to your anxiety."

"I don't think so, it's become a natural thing in my life. I don't think of it anymore." I said, trying to change the subject. Why wouldn't he change the subject?

"I would like to talk of it some more in a later session, but let us continue to talk more loosely around your anxiety." He said finally and we moved onto other things that made me panic.

When we finished the session, I had relived so many horrid situations for him that my mind was begging me to sprint for Jake's.

"I'm gonna write this session up and give a copy to Edward. You'll be seeing him tomorrow, yes? I know he's got an exercise planned, but not sure if he was able to make all the arrangements. He said he'd call you and give you the details tomorrow morning, is that all right?" Dr. Cullen put his notes in a container while telling me this. I held my breath all through the time it took him to say it, and then some.

"Ok," I managed to say, then turned and walked quickly out of his office.

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How'd you like the chapter and new turn of events, then? Review, review, review.

No Edward this chapter, sorry. If you missed him, keep on reading ;)