Lilly hadn't managed to find Nicole, though she searched the school and parking lot. She cut class for the first time in her life, wondering why she bothered. At the end of the day she still hadn't found Nicole so she went home.
Stepping into the dark house she called "Mom? Are you here?" she walked into the kitchen where a note was secured to the table.
Have to work late tonight sweetheart, left you the car and there's a casserole in the microwave for tea.
Five minutes later she was on her way to Nicole's house, having borrowed her mums car.
She smiled politely at the butler (Yeah, she has one now) and walked up the stairs "Miss Julian's room is second on the right, is she expecting you?" he asks. "No, but I won't be long" Lilly replied.
After hesitating a little, building her courage 'hey its just Nicole, not really Satan' she muttered to herself and then Lilly gently opened the door.
What she saw was most unexpected. Not Nicole torturing kittens, trying on new clothes or practicing insults in the mirror, but Nicole crying. Music was playing softly, and Nicole was huddled up, her eyes full of tears.
Lilly stared openmouthed for a few seconds before she found her voice again. "Nicole?"
Nicole looked up; mouth falling open in shock, Lilly noted absently that 'Satan' looked pretty cute when she's shocked.
"What are you doing here, as far as I know there are no endangered animals here for you to save" Nicole choked out, trying to inject her normal venom but failing.
"I…"
What am I doing here?
" I wanted to make sure you were alright" Lilly replied.
"Well I'm fine, feel free to go save the whales now I'm sure they need you more than I do." Nicole lashed out venomously.
"What's wrong?" Lilly asked, ignoring the barb.
"Nothing you would be interested in," Nicole stood, opened the door, turning her tear-streaked face away.
"But…"
"Leave."
Five minutes later Lilly was still sitting in her car downstairs, struggling with herself. Every time she started to start the car she got a flash of Nicole's tear streaked face. At last she got out of the car, and went back inside. 'I'm just curious what it takes to make the queen bitch show emotions' she reassured herself.
When she got up there and pushed open the door again, Nicole was sitting up on her bed, still crying.
Nicole raised her head. I have to stop this she thought, only to meet eyes with a certain brown haired girl she thought left fifteen minutes ago. "Back for some more ammunition Esposito?" she said.
Lilly said nothing, but her expression changed.
Nicole turned away; too upset to even care that there was someone else in the room.
Her eyes tightly shut she jumped as a gentle arm was placed around her. "What's wrong Nicole?"
Nicole looked at her. "You know how to keep your mouth shut?" she asked abrasively.
"Yes" -Lilly replied.
"No… I can't" Nicole said.
"You can trust me…Nicole." Lilly said with an effort.
Nicole got up and changed songs on her CD player, then turned the volume up.
You see her, you can't touch her You hear her, you can't hold her
You want her, you can't have her
You want to, but she won't let you
You see her, you can't touch her
You hear her, you can't hold her
You want her, you can't have her
You want to, but she won't let you
She's you're not so special so look what you've done, boy
She's you're not so special so look what you've done, boy
She's you're not so special so look what you've done
Now you wish she'd never come back here again
Oh, never come back here again
You see her, you can't touch her
You hear her, you can't hold her
You want her, you can't have her
You want to, but she won't let you
Lilly was silent throughout the song. As it came to an end she said softly. "Is this song…is it about Brooke?"
Nicole scowled darkly through her tears.
Lilly sighed heavily.
"Look Nicole, I know we're not friends. I haven't forgotten the way you used to treat me before…well before Brooke's accident." her voice faltered and then became strong again.
"But I'm trying to be nice here and you just can't stop being a bitch for two seconds!"
"That's because I am a bitch!" Nicole replied. "I am a horrible person- I know it, you know it, Brooke knows it! I don't need you to be nice to me, I'm not one of your little humanitarian projects, I don't need you, or anyone!" Nicole yelled angrily, tears deserting her. I don't need anyone's pity; I'm fine by myself.
"I know that." Lilly yelled back, shocking Nicole into silence.
"I'm not here because you're some kind of 'project', You idiot, why do you think people would only like you for your body, or for your sarcasm? Why do you hide who you are? I'm here because you're a girl I was beginning to think could be a good friend, a girl I was interested in knowing about and a girl who is upset, even though you're too stubborn to admit it!" Lilly finished suddenly feeling as though she'd run a marathon.
Nicole looked at Lily in silence for a while, idly watching how red her face was becoming. A lazy smile flitted onto Nicole's face. "I didn't know you had it in you" she marveled aloud.
Lilly blushed. "Yes well, I'm worried about you."
Nicole frowned again, and said. "Don't be. There's nothing to worry about." she turned away, and the smile dropped off her face, disappearing as if it had never happened. Lilly waited patiently and eventually Nicole turned around. "Okay. It was, is about Brooke. She…she broke up with me."
Lilly nearly had a heart attack.
"You were going out? But I thought, I thought she hated you." she said amazedly.
"Yeah well, so did I" Nicole said laughing bitterly. "But I just, I couldn't help myself. We were fighting, and I kissed her."
"How long have you two, uh, been dating?" Lilly asked, as Nicole seemed to have said all she was going to say.
"A couple of weeks…since about a week after I."
"Yeah" Lilly jumped in as Nicole trailed off.
"Okay…so you've been going out. What just happened then?" Lilly said, nervously cracking her knuckles
"We broke up," Nicole said. What are you an idiot, I just said that. She swallowed hard fighting back a fresh wave of tears.
"Oh Nicole." Lilly said sympathetically.
Afterwards Nicole would be embarrassed at that, but right at that moment she was too angry, hurt and upset to be. She started to cry again, not moving away as Lilly put an arm around her shoulder.
Eventually Nicole composed herself, showing her embarrassment as usual by scowling and trying to move away.
The two girls talked for a long time, and when Lilly had heard the full story she shook her head.
"Stupid Brooke."
Nicole looked at her. "Don't you mean stupid Nicole?"
Lily glanced at her "This isn't your fault Nicole."
The petite blond made a non-committal gesture.
"I'm serious, this isn't your fault." Lilly said. "You made a mistake, a mistake that could have been much worse than it was, but that's got nothing to do with this. You are a good person Nicole." the other girl silently shook her head.
Lilly looked at Nicole. I can't believe this. Yesterday I hardly acknowledged Nicole even had feelings. Yesterday I was as angry with this girl as Sam is, and now…now I'm just sad. Sad that it took such a dramatic accident for her to be happy, and now Brooke's taken that away again.
"Listen…what are you doing tonight?" Lilly asked.
Nicole raised an eyebrow. "Nothing" she replied.
"Do you want to go out to the movies?" Lilly said. I need a little bit of normality she thought.
"Not really." Nicole replied.
"Oh, good then we can go and talk to Brooke instead" Lilly said quickly.
Nicole grimaced. "Okay. Lets go to the movies then." she said, that'd give me some composure time.
Half way through the movie Lilly glanced around and caught Nicole's eyes. The other girl has stayed silent and morose for a while, but eventually even she was laughing at the movie- and they had every reason too, it was so ridiculous that with every cliché-driven over-dramatic line the two girls cracked up.
"You know" Nicole said as they filed out later on, chucking their popcorn containers in the general direction of the bin
"I haven't been out to the movies in weeks."
"Did you and Brooke never…?" Lilly asked hesitantly.
"No. She couldn't be seen with me remember?" Nicole said frankly.
Lilly grimaced.
Nicole smiled faintly as she watched Lilly depart, reversing carefully and turning out of the driveway.
Nicole stepped inside her house to be confronted by the irate specter of her mother.
"What are you doing, where have you been? Don't you know its 10 o'clock?" Ms Julian said, not frowning.
(Frowning give you wrinkles you see)
Nicole raised an eyebrow. "Is there a priest in the house?" she asked dramatically.
"What?"
"That's the only reason you would give a flying fuck where I am at night." Nicole replied.
Ms Julian looked at her daughter, and a smile appeared on her face.
"Dear, don't be silly" she cooed. "You know I care about you"
"Almost as much as I do about the lives of Brooke and Ridge on the Bold and the Beautiful" Nicole replied, smiled falsely, and walking around her mother headed for the stairs
"Stop."
Nicole kept going.
Ms Julian's eyes darkened, she took one step forward and said "Stop."
Nicole froze. She recognized that voice. A proclamation was about to come forth. The last time Ms Julian used that voice it was to tell her daughter that if she ever told Ms Julian's friends things about her personal life again then she'd be sent to a boarding school in Switzerland. Nicole capitulated back then and stopped talking to them about how much makeup her mother wore to hide age lines…and 4 years later Nicole capitulated again, even her own anger and sadness not sufficient reason for her to disregard something ingrained in her.
"What?" she asked at last, aware that Ms Julian had no intention of breaking the silence.
"I don't know what's brought on this sudden…rebelliousness, but it ends here. You will do as you're told." Ms Julian said firmly. "What are you talking about?" Nicole said, baffled. "I've been going out as I please, and coming back as I please since I was 15, mother." she said, heavy emphasis on her title. "You've never been bothered before."
Ms Julian sighed impatiently.
"Do I have to spell it out to you Nicki? Do you know what it looks like? Do you want some hardnosed journalistic loser declaring in a banner headline Politicians daughter delinquent? Because I don't." Ms Julian finished and looked at her daughter.
Nicole's face was as calm and composed as her mothers, but her eyes glittered with anger that was not present in Ms Julian's.
"I see. It's your career." she spat. "Its always something isn't it?"
"Don't be ridiculous Nicole darling" Ms Julian said irritably.
I'm not being ridiculous…Nicole looked at her mother and fought back a second round of tears. First over Brooke, now over you… Where does it end? Nicole thought, staring at her mother.
Why can't you be like other peoples mothers? Why can't you care where I'm going because you're worried about me, not about your stupid career, your idiotic friends?
Nicole looked at her mother, and resigned herself.
What does it matter anyway? A voice in her head said, sounding remarkably like Marley Jacobs. Remember, you don't need or love this woman, but you have to convince her that you do. Love just gets you hurt.
A smile formed on her face and she said, "I'm sorry mother. I don't know what came over me" Nicole strained to put every ounce of sincerity into this that she could and Ms Julian was fooled.
"That's alright Nicole." she said almost warmly, and walked away.
Nicole watched her go and smirked at her back.
She laughed inwardly. I don't know what came over me…I don't know why I ever traded in the good life…for movies with animal freaks and dates with Miss Perfect herself. Nicole continued along this vein as she headed upstairs, successfully ignoring the voice coming from a place she didn't listen to often.
Her heart.
Brooke wiped away her tears. She stood up, checked her face in the mirror and left the bathroom. She didn't see Lilly or Nicole for the rest of the day, but squirmed uncomfortably whenever she thought of the look on Nicole's face as she left. She was dreading seeing Nicole at school the next day, and had to fight hard to refrain from running from the school, finding Nicole and taking her in her arms. Instead she thought of her parents, how they would react, what Sam and the rest of her friends would think of her. Sitting in class Brooke wrote composedly, Sam talking avidly in her ear and Miss Glass shooting them filthy glares. A whispered comment had Brooke straining to listen, as Josh and SD talked behind her.
It was about Nicole, as all conversation seemed to be lately and Brooke was sorry she was eavesdropping.
"Wonder where Nicole is? I heard she and Brooke had a fight." despite Brooke's discomfort she had to stifle a smile- these two who professed to despise gossip, were gossiping like old maids!
"Mm. Anyway Josh what do you think, we'll both do Brooke in the parking lot." Brooke gasped and the two boys turned around and met her eyes, cracking up laughing. Brooke scowled.
"Hey, that'll teach you to eavesdrop" Josh said, smiling at her. Despite herself Brooke found herself smiling back "Yeah whatever." she said, turning back around.
Going home was a chore. Brooke smiled and joked with Sam, and tried hard to push all thought of Nicole right out of her head.
Nicole lay on her bed, and looked around.
Her immaculate room, with its multiple closets and plush carpeting had amazed some people when Nicole had them over, but it was all Nicole had ever known. Her walls were devoid of photos- they wrecked the paint, and the only photo in view was one of her grandmother- a picture of a sweet old lady and a young Nicole, her eyes still innocent and not filled with anger and shame, heavier and happier. Nicole stared at it for a few moments. It was one of her favorites, a memory of a time before school, before it became a place where she was harassed and teased, and then in high school where school became…more of a deadly competition. Not for grades, or academic achievement but to be top of the pile. Nicole became more introspective, and allowed her thoughts to wander to someone she'd deliberately pushed under.
Marley Jacobs. Marley objected to photos, so Nicole didn't have any of her- not that it mattered. She remembered that girl as if she'd seen her yesterday.
I doubt I'll ever forget her. Nicole thought, half sadly and half sourly.
Marley had introduced an innocent Nicole to a new kind of life. Where whom you knew, whom you slept with and what you wore were more important than anything else. She introduced a naïve young girl to drugs like Speed, taught Nicole to smoke (although she quit once she realised it yellowed her teeth) helped the young girl get smashed for the very first time. Nicole blushed automatically at her next thought even though there was no one else there.
She also was the first person Nicole ever kissed.
It was at a party. Nicole was stumbling wildly, looking for Marley. She was confused, and the guys leering at her didn't help.
"Marley" she called unsteadily. There was no answer and Nicole felt tears start. She sat down automatically on a lounge and felt a hairy arm go around her. She looked at him and smelt an overwhelming stench of beer.
He leaned towards her and Nicole twisted her head away, trying to push his lecherous hands away. The guy was insistent and in her half-drunk state Nicole couldn't resist as he began pulling her away, his hand clamped over her mouth. Her eyes scanned wildly but no one at the party seemed interested, and Nicole felt fear in the pit of her stomach. Then like an angel she came. Marley Jacobs disengaged herself from her latest boyfriend and remembered belatedly that she'd left Nicole behind in the revel. Seeing Nicole's head as the boy pulled her into a room Marley followed.
She stood in the doorway of the room, hands on hips and said caustically "What the Fuck's going on here?"
"Bugger off Marley" the guy slurred. "Me and little Nicki are having some fun."
Nicole met Marley's eyes with relief and a tear fell down her cheek, making a long trail and dropping off her chin.
"That's it, get out" Marley said, dragging the guy off her.
He left reluctantly and Marley closed the door after him.
Nicole collapsed, tears escaping.
"You little idiot" Marley said "Can't I leave you alone for five minutes?"
Nicole sobbed quietly.
"Stop it. Stop crying" Marley said again.
Nicole continued to cry.
Marley sighed.
"Look Nicole Julian" she said, walking over to the bed and perching awkwardly on it.
"Are you alright? Did he kiss you? Did he hurt you?"
"Yes, no and no" Nicole said, trying to compose herself.
"Thankyou" Nicole said, looking up at Marley in admiration.
"Good" Marley said softly, looking at her friend.
Nicole could never fathom why Marley did it, but then Marley was unfathomable. Marley could read Nicole like a book, used to tell her not to be so easily read, to guard her face but that was a skill that Nicole picked up slowly.
The darkened bedroom, the music muted from the rowdy party next-door, and just Nicole and Marley sitting on a bed in silence. That was the scene that stayed with Nicole for a long time.
Marley broke the silence first for once. She looked at Nicole, a strange glint in her eyes and said.
"Have you ever been kissed before?"
Nicole hiccoughed, her tear streaked face telling Marley the answer before she even opened her mouth.
"No, I thought so" Marley answered herself, holding up one hand preventing Nicole from speaking.
"Shh" she said softly. "I'll fix that for you."
Nicole looked at her beautiful friend in confusion.
"Don't think I haven't noticed how you look at me Nicole. I don't have a problem with it…as long as you're discreet. Dykes are freaks…remember that." Marley said.
Nicole opened her mouth to protest "But I'm not a d-" but was cut off by her friend's mouth on hers.
Nicole gasped but didn't break the kiss; Marley deepened it, her tongue pushing its way into Nicole's mouth gently, before she started biting and sucking on her bottom lip. A hand on each of Nicole's shoulders was the next thing she felt, as Marley kissed her fiercely and hard for a few more seconds, before breaking the kiss and getting up. Nicole sat back on the bed, her head dizzy and thoughts reeling. She was feeling a sense of exultation on one hand, this was Marley.
This was her idol.
On the other hand…what was happening?
Why was it happening? Nicole was drunk and it looked to her like Marley was high.
She heard a click and realised Marley had locked the door, before returning to the bed.
"Did you like that?" Marley asked, almost insecurely,
"Ye-yes" Nicole hastened to reassure her, knowing from experience how quick Marley's moods changed…and as baffling as this one was, it was still better than her 'hell hath no fury' mood.
"Good." Marley smirked at her and didn't move.
The silence extended, a dull pounding was heard on the door but whoever it was gave up quickly, assumedly off to find another place to crash in.
Nicole looked away, staring down at the bed underneath her, and so was taken by surprise as Marley advanced again, seizing her elbows and bringing her body close to her own, her soft lips meeting Nicole's equally soft ones in a kiss, pushing Nicole to the bed and bringing her hands down to Nicole's body, putting one hand underneath her shirt and letting her long manicured fingernails trail over the other girls body.
Nicole shivered and Marley grinned.
Another loud banging on the door was heard, this time much more persistent until the girls were unable to ignore it.
"What do you want?" Marley called out loudly and annoyed.
"Need the room," someone mumbled from outside.
Marley sighed loudly and impatiently.
"Fine. Don't need it anyway." she called, coming over to the bed and dragging Nicole out of it.
She pulled the other girl to her in a long slow kiss, before pushing her violently away.
"Don't tell anyone about this Nic" she whispered intensely, before unlocking the door and walking out. Nicole followed obediently, not sure whether to be disappointed or relieved that they were had been interrupted.
"You shouldn't have cried Nicole." Marley said later that night, as she dropped the younger girl off at her house.
Nicole looked at her questioningly.
"Never cry. Never. You should have slapped that guy and told him if he didn't take his paws off you you'd cut his balls off and feed them to him." Marley instructed matter-of-factly.
Nicole giggled.
How long has It been since I was ever that naïve? Nicole wondered to herself, still half lost in old memories.
What would I do now if I were locked in a room with a pretty girl who was kissing me like that?
Nicole shook her head. Like I don't know. I'd fuck her.
Nicole was sad, but no tears came to her eyes. Brooke…she thought wistfully.
Marley continued to 'educate' Nicole, eventually taking the 15 year olds' virginity one night at a motel. "Not a cheap one" Marley had slurred in her ear. "Never take your guy to a cheap one or he will think you're a whore. That he's in control. You have to be in control Nic"
The older girl took Nicole's hand and slowly brought it lower.
"But not with me"
Nicole skipped those memories, not sure how she felt about them.
Running her hands distractedly through her hair Nicole went to her cupboard, needing some 'comfort food.'
She rummaged around and pulled out a bottle of vodka and a joint, which she proceeded to enjoy.
Around midnight that night, the weed was all gone and Nicole was still up, the almost empty bottle in her hand as she paced the room, talking animatedly to herself.
"What do you mean? Don't be silly dear. Don't be silly dear. Don't be silly dear. Don't be silly dear. Don't be silly dear" Nicole chanted- the words losing all meaning.
"I'm sorry mother. I don't know what came over me"
I'm sorry mother. I don't know what came over me
I'm sorry mother. I know what came over me. I don't want my mother anymore. I don't want my friends anymore. You were right MJ. You're always right. Ha. I never needed anyone after you left, not till Brooke, and now she's left...ha I don't need her. Your not dead are you Marley? Of course not. You can't be.
The next afternoon Nicole hadn't improved much. She sleepwalked through school falling in and out of memories.
Lilly tried to talk to her once, but it wasn't until nearly half an hour later that Nicole realised she'd spoken.
Nicole was walking along the street having a conversation with Marley when Brooke spotted her.
Brooke had avoided Lilly all that day; the slight Latina girl seemed always on the verge of yelling out to her but never did so. She'd seen Nicole briefly in the hallway, met her eyes and had been shocked by what she saw. It was like Nicole didn't even recognize her- she didn't register.
Her eyes were blank and inward looking, and Nicole didn't say a word to anyone all day. Although Miss Glass had sniped at her for whispering to herself at random intervals during the class, Nicole hadn't even looked up.
"Nicole? Can we talk?" Brooke said uncertainly.
For a moment Nicole seemed herself again. "Something to say to McQueen? Just to help you out I'll remind you that we've already broken up and you don't need to do that again."
Brooke hesitated, tears starting. "I'm so sorry Nicole. I don't know why I said that…I didn't mean it…please." she choked out, her heart clear again. Stuff Sam, stuff my parents, and stuff everyone else. She thought suddenly.
"I hate you Marley!" Nicole screeched.
"What, I'm not Marley." Brooke said confused. Nicole's face had gone slack again, her eyes turned inwards and Brooke realised that Nicole didn't even hear her anymore.
"I hate you. I hate you!" Nicole screamed again, her face animated, eyes tearless and angry.
"Shh…Nicole people are staring." Brooke whispered urgently, blushing as she realised what she said. Gah…this girl is freaking out on me…and I'm worried that people are looking at me!
"Come on come with me" she commanded. I have to get this off the street she thought. I dont know whats wrong with you, but I'm sure you wouldn't like the whole town knowing about it.
Nicole followed her obediently for a while, her face white and strained before she stopped dead and said in a calm voice. "Why Marley?" "Why?"
Brooke didn't know what to say, or how to answer so she kept quiet, seizing Nicole's wrists and dragging her along. They got in Brooke's car and she drove them aimlessly, ending up in the park the girls had first gone on a date to.
It was lucky it was deserted because before the car had even stopped Nicole was out, running to a stone table in the middle of a field, and sitting cross-legged on it.
Brooke shivered with the cold and followed quickly.
Still lost in her dream?nightmare Nicole started tapping at the table and as Brooke approached called out to her "Marley, hurry up."
Brooke hurried, and as she approached the table saw Nicole was still talking.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to order you around. Yes you're right Marley. He is cute isn't he? No I haven't met her yet, but apparently she's sort of athletic and pretty so she'd make a good addition. Of course, nobody could replace you" Nicole added fondly, staring a little to Brookes left with a strange smile.
"Nicole, I'm not Marley" Brooke said shocked. "Please, snap out of it."
Nicole continued to talk to the dead girl and Brooke instinctively did the only thing she knew was guaranteed to shut Nicole up. She kissed her. Nicole kissed her back, but to Brooke it seemed like Nicole was kissing as if she'd never done it before. The girls continued in that position for a long time, Brooke feeling more and more guilty until Nicole's kiss changed. It became firmer, more experienced and as Brooke pulled away she realised that Nicole was herself again.
"What are you doing?" Nicole screeched.
Her mind cleared and a torrent of embarrassment overflowed into her mind. Despair foremost in her mind; Nicole decided to tell Brooke something.
"You're worse than Marley you know? At least she was truthful. She never told me that she loved me. We were never going out- she just showed me what to do to make it. She helped me. She was a bitch, and she didn't love me, but she didn't mess with my emotions either.
She knew how I felt, and she didn't feel the same but she never pretended that she did! You've got your Miss Perfect act going so hard you don't know how to stop. You don't know how to be honest about anything because you've spent your whole life just saying what you want people to hear!"
Nicole spat the last line out, and was pleased to see Brooke flinch- it'd struck home.
Brooke was staring at Nicole, a light switching on in her brain. "So…its true?" Brooke asked.
Nicole knew instinctively what she was talking about but chose not to understand.
"What's true?" she said, determined to make Brooke ask.
"You and Marley…she taught you everything…even…this"
Nicole looked at her former girlfriend, her exbest friend the beautiful blond cheerleader and sighed.
"Yes." she said simply.
Brooke was silent; she didn't know what to say.
"I loved her." Nicole admitted.
"Seems like you still do" Brooke rejoined.
"No" Nicole said quickly and sharply. "She's dead. You know that."
"I do know that. I also know," she said, smelling the mixture of alcohol and pot on Nicole's breath "That you'll kill yourself if you keep acting this way"
"Like you can talk" Nicole said bitterly. "You're the one who starved yourself almost to death"
Brooke had no reply to that admittedly true rejoinder, and could only watch as Nicole walked away again.
"I want to go out again, I'm sorry"
Brooke called after the departing girl in a desperate attempt to make her come back. Nicole didn't stop, but her reply came floating back on the wind.
"I don't." I do love you, but I can't let you hurt me again.
That cut Brooke deeper than the biting wind, and she huddled on top of the stone table, watching Nicole walk away.
Nicole's hands shook. From the alcohol she lied to herself.
Back in her room she took her jacket and shoes off and got fully clothed into the bath. Her hands fumbled around the edge of the bath until they touched something that was cold sharp steel, right where she left it. She picked it up in still shaking hands and ran her eyes along its sharp edge.
Lowering her left hand into the warm water she picked up the blade in the other hand, and placed it on her wrist.