"Sleep well, Amie," Godric says as the back of his fingers place little kisses against my cheek. I don't respond just yet because I'm still hearing the words of his poems in the back of my mind and in my fantasies he's reading them to me, and only me.
But I reply, "Good night, Godric" even though I keep my eyes closed and make no plan of moving. My intention is simple. I'm going to stay here as long as he keeps stroking my cheek or until he kisses me goodnight...which ever comes last...and it seems like a good plan until I open my eyes and he's gone.
I frown deeply because I want him to kiss me! Even if it's just on the cheek. It's not fair that he does it once and then when I really, really want him to he doesn't even try. ESPECIALLY after I told him that I'm in love with him...wait...maybe that's why he's not going to do it. BECAUSE I told him that I'm in love with him. Maybe he doesn't want me to keep fantasizing about him and thinking that he's going to fall in love with me too. Maybe this is his way of letting me down gently.
I don't want to think of that as the answer.
I turn around and open my door with a sigh and a shake of my head. Tonight I really do want to go to sleep, I'm tired of the roller coaster my emotions have me on. Up and down and up and down and upside down and then straight to the ground, it's way too hard to keep up with myself. I can't imagine how he does it. I lay down on the bed and scoot underneath all the covers when I notice something. The iron curtain isn't down yet.
I can just make out the top of Godric's window from my position but I don't know if he's standing there. He isn't that very tall and I blush a little at the thought because I'm even less tall than him. We're a match made in Heaven, he has to know that. But as I keep looking at the empty space between our rooms I feel a sense of longing and I'm confused because I don't know if it's him or me that's feeling it even though I have an idea that I'm feeling it the most. But thinking about that stuff only gets me really sad or really happy and I'm way too exhausted for any of that. So I close my eyes and go to sleep.
In my dream Godric is sitting next to me but it's not really Godric it's a big bear and I'm a medium bear and next to me is a tiny bear that's so small and cute and I love it so much! In my dream we run around with the little bear and play monkey in the middle like we're humans and the poor little bear can never get the ball because me and Godric are so much bigger than him and I'm so happy because Godric has never looked so happy and I've never felt so happy and the little bear has never felt so happy either and I don't know how I know that but I do. But the ball falls far away and when we run to go get it a giant snake grabs it from Little Bear's paws and then I run to Little Bear and try to save him but before I can the big giant snake bites him and drags him away and there's nothing I can do! And I scream and I cry and I try to run after them but I'm stuck in cement and I can't move and all I can hear is the Little Bear screaming for me to go and save him but I can't because I'm stuck and then he's dead and a giant chill runs through me and I wake right up.
The chill shakes my bones and even though I still feel so tired and forced to my bed I sit up because I feel a desperate kind of panic and without knowing it I know Godric needs me and I smell the scent of his room which is a soft lavander smell and a nice Earth smell and cool ocean smell all in one and before I'm aware of what doing I'm at his door, knocking as I ask, "Godric? Are you alright? Can I come in?"
For a second I feel embarresed by the way I'm begging for entrance but then I think of that chill and how it was so strong that it MOVED me out of bed and FORCED me here! He needs my help, I just know this wasn't for no reason. But weakly he calls, "The sun has not yet set, Amie! Go back to your room!"
"No!" I snap angrily as I bang my fist against the door, "You need my help! So let me help you! What's wrong?!"
"Amie, go!" he shouts sounding so angry that immediantly I stop my hand from hitting the door again. I'm tempted to run back to my room and hide. The iron curtains are all down, I feel so weak and exhausted, if he's okay there's really no reason for me to come...but that chill.
"No!" I stamp my foot as I bang my fist against the door but before my hand can even make contact with the wood Godric's hand is around my wrist, stopping my action completely. It's like all my determination has been drained from me and now rests in a huge puddle around our feet which is the only thing I can look at since I just realized how pathetic I must have sounded screaming outside of his door.
"Amie, what you felt was another trait of our bond as father and child. When under great stress my body will call for assistance," he explains but all I can focus on is his hand on my wrist and as I focus on his fingers melting into mine I realize that he's not wearing a shirt but I can't look at his chest!
"You need assistance?" I interupt with fear, my eyes jump up to his and they are so sad and so lost and so confused and so wishy washy and all over the place and I reach my hand up to touch his cheek but his fist stops me like it knows where I'm trying to go.
"I summoned you, yes, but it was for no reason. Return to your room, Amie, please," he sounds so desperate, so helplessly desperate and I don't understand what it is.
I look into his eyes and whisper softly, "Godric, what's wrong?"
"I underestimated my temptation, Amie, that is all. Please, go," he sounds angry now and desperate and horrified, letting go of my hand as he points away to where my room is down the hall.
"Temptation?" I don't understand what he means. What's bothering him so much? Why is he so on edge?
He sighs in a way that makes him sound so...so weak and I shake my head quickly so I don't have to watch how scared his eyse are but when I do I notice that his bare chest isn't really bare and instead along his chest and neck area is a tattoo like a necklace with metal spike and it amazes me because I've never seen it before and how can he have a tattoo and be a vampire and what does it mean! And as my mind continues to be blown I blink my eyes to look at him again and I see he was TWO MORE tattoos on his arms and one has like weird little writing that I've never seen before and the other is like waves and stuff and he looks so cool and the more I look at the tattoos the more I look at him and the more I see he has a LOT of muscles and my face gets so red because I realize that I'm so close to touching him all over the place and all I want to do is jump on top of him and kiss him and touch him all at once.
"Amie, you are begining to bleed," he sighs as the back of his hand scoots under my nose and his knuckles graze across my lips that are burning and he takes away a trickle of blood and I look at the blood that looks so scary but if it were really, really bad I know he would have made me leave already.
He looks so sad as he gazes at the blood and I realize this is my chance, my opprotunity to strike, "I'm not leaving, Godric."
"If I must I will make you," he says but his threat sounds hollow and I know he really doesn't want me to. In fact he wants me to stay and I want to stay too and the only thing that can really make me leave at this point is myself and part of me feels really bad because he really wants me to go but then I think about my dream and the little bear that got taken by the big scary snake.
"I had a bad dream," I say quietly with my eyes cast low on our feet because if I look at his chest any more I'm going to want to grab it and bring it close to mine. I yawn softly as I continue, "I was a bear and you were a bear and there was this really little bear that we loved so much and we were playing with him but then this big snake came and stole him and I started to scream and cry and I tried to save him but I was stuck in cement and he was screaming so hard for me to save him but I couldn't," I look up at him and see his eyes are fixed on me and he feels just as bad as I do and so I whisper honestly, "I really don't want to go back to sleep alone today."
Heavily he sighs but then he whispers weakly, "Fine b-" a loud and excited squeal jumps out of my mouth and I run past him and into his room and I jump onto his bed that looks like mine except less comfortable because there are a lot less blankets and his room is really, really bare and on the bottom against the floor there is the coolest little strip of muggy glass that looks bright because it's the pond! and I can see out in it and I can even kind of see the lightness of the sun but it hurts my eyes to look too close, "BUT you must go right to sleep at this instance."
I turn to look at him but he is already standing beside the large bed and the door is closed behind us and I start to think...I'm alone with Godric...in his room with his temptations. What does that really mean? But then I get a wave of his emotions and I know how crazy uncomfortable he feels and I know by thinking more of that stuff will only make him feel worse. So I get into the bed quickly and grab the thin blanket and wrap it around myself as I sleep as close to the edge of the bed as possible with my back to him but then...
I feel him slowly get into bed and I feel a compulsion to move closer to him like being so far apart is painful because already just being in his room and in his presence I know the bad dreams can't get to me and I can't even dream about spending a second longer without his arms around me. I turn my head to peak at him and I see even more tattoos on his back that I can just hardly make out and I want to reach out and touch them but then I think of the girls and how the men would call on us with a touch of our back that felt scary and disgusting and how it felt like we were just dolls forced to be played with and we had no choice, no choice at all...and I don't want Godric to feel like that. I want him to feel like he has a choice...I want him to choose me.
"Amie," his voice is soft, even softer than a whisper, impossible to hear if not a vampire. I turn my head to him and I can see he is laying on his back and I can tell he is hardly breathing yet. I don't say anything yet but he knows I heard him. He continues, "You may lay as comfortably as you would like, there is no need to sleep at the edge of the bed."
"I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable," I respond in the same little quiet tiny voice he used just seconds before.
"There is no need to be concerned," he says and at that I fall onto my back and it's so weird. In my sudden position I feel the force of my tiredness wash over me and I realize how heavy I had felt before like the day was dragging me to the ground or something. I yawn again and I close my eyes but it only takes seconds for us to move from the edges to the center like magnets. I know it's not on purpose but our shoulders touch and so does the back of our hands and I'm getting pulled deeper and deeper into sleep but I want to stay up and I grab Godric's hand for support and he doesn't pull it away. Instead he holds onto it tightly and whispers, "Sleep well, Amie."
I whisper back in my sleepy voice, "I will now."
It's like only seconds before the twilight comes and I'm awake. My eyes instantly jump open and to my surprise Godric's arms are around me and I'm at his chest and he's holding me tight and we're curled up like a ball with my back to his chest and his breath against my ear reminds me of his little whisper Don't move. You are not ready yet. My face is hot like a fire and I curl up further into his chest and I feel like I'm home...for the first time I'm back home here where it's safe in the darkness and he is all around me, making me safe and warm and wonderful and there's nothing that can ever, ever go wrong.
In his arms I think he has to love me. There's no way in the world this can feel so wonderful, so real and complete if he doesn't. There's no way he would sit and read beautiful, beautiful poetry for me if his love wasn't as great as mine. Maybe he's just afraid to show it because he's had such a hard life and it's been so difficult for him to be happy...I don't know everything that's happened to him, I don't know all the good or the bad. I don't know what he's been through with this Eric guy but I do know from the message in the book that "love" isn't an easy concept for Godric to understand...maybe he doesn't really know how to love someone more than "Maker" and "Progeny." Maybe this is the only way he knows how...If so I have to give him his time to figure it out. I can't force him to love me the way I want him to if he's still trying to figure out how he wants to be loved in the first place. Maybe that's what all the trouble was today...maybe he's just as confused as I am. Time is really the best thing I can give him so in his deep sleep I whisper the poem he took so long to read and when he did it was emotionless like he hated it and it was plain so I can fill all my meaning into it. I whisper this poem as I memorize the way his hands fall relaxed against me as his arms cross in front of my heart as if to protect it from a stake.
I whisper, "I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart). I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling). I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet). I want no world (for beautiful, you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you. Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide), and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart. I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)."
I hear him stir a little and a sudden fear grips me tightly. He's awake. My haven is short-lived. I frown deeply, did he hear me? is he going to pull away? He doesn't say a thing which means he didn't. He doesn't do a thing and he actually stays in the same position like he hasn't woken up at all. Maybe he thinks I'm still asleep and maybe he thinks I'm not awake. I close my eyes quickly to keep up the appearance and sure enough I feel him move just enough to look into my eyes and see if I'm awake. Good thing I'm an expert at pretending to sleep, especially now that I'm...well...dead. He lays back down to where he was before and to my happy surprise he pulls me in closer against him and holds me tight like he never wants to let go and it makes me so happy I could cry but I don't because if I did he'd know I was awake.
I feel a desperation inside of me like last night but it's a good kind like he's desperate to keep me, like he was afraid that I'd leave in the middle of the day or something and then just when it feels like it's too much I hear him sigh and he relaxes again like he's falling back to sleep. But I know he's not asleep. His nose nestles against my neck and touches the back of my ear and I try not to tremble but it's so hard because I can feel it, I can feel him loving me and it feels so good like he heard me and he's trying so hard to let me know he loves me too but he's too embarresed to say it out loud and all I can do is let him love me in secret but the secret doesn't seem to be so secret. I can feel the hours ticking and ticking away but my mind is a blank slate of pleasure that makes me so happy like happy had been a foreign concept until this moment. The night flies by to the point he has to know I'm awake, to the point in which we should be together because we both know we love each other a so much but still...still I know he's too nervous. It's half the night already and I know there's no chance he'll admit it and yet...I'm still so glad.
But good things can't last forever and he pulls away and as I slowly open my eyes I see he has left the room completely. I want to frown but I can't help but to smile wildly. I was right. I was really, really right. I stand up from the bed, pretending to still be tired because I know he's listening to me from where ever he is. I groggily walk out of his room, which feels weirdly empty with out him, and I walk to my dress room, slowly picking up speed as I "wake up" some more. I open the door and the light turns on and I can't help but to feel so excited because I can already tell there are plenty more dresses. I run all through them and find all the new styles and all the new kinds and I love it so much because I always wanted this kind of place that has clothes that keeps me so beautiful all the time! I love it so much! I find a nice yellow dress that isn't a bright yellow but a soft kind of color like all the color's I've worn before. The dress is nice and goes up to my knees and it looks like the kind of dress the pretty "hipster" girls in school used to wear with their big blue eyes and their dark, dark hair. I hold myself in it and I twirl around and the hem goes up too and I feel so pretty in it, not like a princess but like...a lady.
I hear a cupboard open and I go to rush to meet Godric but I stop and look in the mirror before I go. Thankfully my hair has turned back to its-nice-curly-self and I have to admit I look pretty nice if I do say so myself. It's now that I can rush to Godric because I want to see him so much before I love him and I don't want to spend another second without him. I meet him in the kitchen where he waits for me with the TruBlood and the straw and the umbrella in the glass and on his face is the serious mask that means he's sad and confused but it's okay, I'm expecing this. I snatch the glass from him and happily drink it with joy because it really does taste so delicious, "Mmmmm Mmmmm MMMM mmmmm Mmmmm MMMMM Mmmmmm mmm Mmmmm."
He coughs softly and awkwardly says, "Amie. I'm glad to see you have awaken. I realize that with our engagment tomorrow evening there are many points in our culture that I have yet to explain."
I continue drinking but what's he saying doesn't matter more than the fact that he loves me. I manage to ask, "Can we talk at the pond again?"
He nods his head and walks to lead me to it. I want to reach for his hand but I know it would only embarress him if I did and when he's embarressed he waits a long time to hold my hand again. On the bridge he begins, "Do you recall how I explained that I am Sheriff of Area 9 and how I rule over the vampires in my area? Good. That does not mean that I am the highest ranking official. Do you recall Damien and how I said he was king? Well he is not the highest ranking official either. The Vampire Community has a system of authority and in fact the highest ranking authority is The Authority. The Authority is the ultimate authority over all vampires, even myself, and disobeying of the laws set by the Authority is treasonous. Do you understand, Amie? Your allegiance is to the Authority. Do you understand?"
I nod my head with annoyance. I hate lessons like these. My allegiance isn't to this thing, my allegiance is to Godric but the way he's looking at me like this is the most important thing in the world makes me think it is and that I should be afraid so I not my head and say, "Okay. I understand...but if the Authority is the highest then where do you fall?"
"The order of power falls as this: The Authority, The Magisters, The Kings and Queens, The Sheriffs, and finally vampires living within a certain area. The American Vampire League falls somewhere between The Authority and the Magisters because it carries out the will of the Authority," he continues to explain and I remember on the tv something about the American Vampire League and a pretty blonde lady but my grandpa changed the channel before I could really see it.
All of this information seems a bit...not important but to keep him happy I ask questions that I really don't care to find the answers, "What's a Magister?"
"A Magister rules over an entire continent and mostly deals with upholding the laws of the Authority and settling disputes amongst our kind. Beneath the Magister are kings and queens which rule over states. A king or a queen may provide edicts to certain rules depending upon the territory and bellow them are the Sheriffs and bellow it is arranged by age. Because of my advanced age and friendship with Damien, the king, I have slightly more power than a regular Sheriff but that does not mean I am an exception to the laws of the Authority," he continues to explain these things and drilling them into my head and it's not really fun to hear him talk like this and it scares me a little to think he might be afraid of something.
"What are the laws?" I ask, afraid that maybe I could break one easily by just being myself and being new.
"The following activities are considered illegal: Killing of another Vampire, Selling Vampire Blood, Feeding from another Vampire's Human, Stealing Wealth, Real Estate, or Other Property (including humans) from other Vampire-"
"'Feeding from another Vampire's Human?' 'Stealing other property including humans?' What does that mean?" I ask feeling kind of offended and upset by what I think it does mean.
"Many vampires find humans to be of less importance and so they regard them carelessly. It is acceptable for vampires, however, to have possession over a human in which they drink from their blood and viceversa. The human is then considered "theirs" and if another vampire were to steal the human it is punishable by fang removal," he explains and it is just as disturbing as it sounded.
"That sounds...that sounds horrible! How are humans property?! I was a human like...like a week and a half ago! How am I suddenly so much better than humans because I'm a vampire now!" I protest angrily, "And fang removal? W-What happens, will they never grow back?"
"It will take three months for the fangs to grow back to their proper length. At which time a vampire will starve because they are unable to recieve the proper nutrition," for some reason I get the feeling he is amused by my reaction but I don't feel amused at all!
"That sounds horrible! It that's so bad and if vampires don't even care about humans then what's the punishment for killing a vampire?" I ask out of curiousity.
"A sentence to five years locked inside a coffin encased in silver. At that point a vampire will go mad," the way he says this sounds so scary and then I remember that he said he killed his maker! Did he have to go through that?!
"But Godric...didn't you kill a vampire?" my voice is soft like a feather because I don't know what his answer will be.
"At that time the Authority was not yet created but I had been in great trouble that I was able to evade. By the time I was put to trial for my crime by age was so large that it seemed to not matter to anyone, any longer."
I breath a sigh of release, at least he had gotten away without getting into serious trouble but still...these stupid rules prove to be really dumb. I don't really think they are important...it's not like I'm going to go out killing other vampires or drinking human blood or stealing anyway. I look over to Godric and see he is studying me like he's waiting for me to say something so I say, "I'm not going to break the rules, you don't have to worry about me."
There is a little smile inside his lips that doesn't come out just yet but he nods and says, "I trust that you wont."
"How do you know Damien?" I ask suddenly before I even know I want to know the answer. The question just slipped out of my mouth and before I can cover my mouth and apologize he answers.
"I met Damien far back when he was just a new vampire. Through out my life I enjoyed watching and even participating in many of the battles recorded in history. It was this interest that lead me to a dispute that is not recorded in text books. There, while I was feeding on the dying, I came across a vampire and his new child. The vampire had been a friend of my maker and had recalled that I had killed him eight hundred years back and so he attacked me upon first glance. He may have over powered me, since he had thousands of years of age over me, but my advanced knowledege of battle allowed me to overcome him and I killed him quickly. I was afraid his child would attack me as well but instead he thanked me profusely for killing his maker. This was Damien. Since Damien was still new I took it upon myself to teach him all that I knew so he may survive on his own. We spent two hundred years wandering as friends but at the time I was ruthless and grew increasingly so and he choose to seperate. His interest included mostly making love in large groups while mine included killing in large quantities, you can see where the difference affected our friendship. This was why he decided to seperate before he grew to dislike my company altogether but upon our parting I decided that it was time for me to become a maker-that was when I found Eric. We still kept contact although he spent his time more with politics and Eric and I spent our time more with enjoying the company of other vampires as ruthless as we. It wasn't until three hundred years ago that killing became much less satisfying, something he noticed. At that point he became very powerful and was in the process becoming king in the New World. He suggested I become king as well but politics have never been my interest so I settled for becoming a Sheriff beneath him," Godric explains these details and I do recall them and memorize them but as his mouth moves I think of my chest against his back and his arms around me and his nose pressing against the back of my ear and my neck and how perfect this explanation would sound in that same position.
"Is he your best friend?" I ask as the TruBlood comes to a very sad end. I try to drink of the last remaining bits but there are no remaining bits, I drank the whole thing all the way to the end.
"They say the only person a vampire can trust is the vampire he created...but other than you and Eric...I suppose I would agree he may be considered best friend," he answers and I can't help but to frown because that means that Eric is Godric's very, very best friend of all. I try not to be jealous but how can I not when the facts are in front of me. And yet...I know he loves me...I know he does.
"Godric...the party's tomorrow," I whisper softly, "What if I'm not ready by then?"
"You know I believe that you are ready as we speak," he says in his tired tone that makes me feel like a stupid little kid. "But if you would like...I will allow us to arrive at the nest two hours before it is said to begin and Isabel will assist you in all the areas you believe you still need work. Does this please you?"
I nod my head quickly and happily because I actually do miss Isabel and how nice she was and thinking about her helping me to be as great as she is makes me really excited now, "Yeah! That sounds great! But...what am I going to wear? Oh no...What am I going to wear?!"
The glass in my hand suddenly shatters and fills my palms with a stinging pain and I look down in shock and Godric takes my hand quickly, "Amie! Relax at once. Look what you have done to your hand."
He begins to pull out the shards, filling my hand with stinging that makes my eyes water and then I start to cry because I look so bad, "I'm so sorry Godric I'm just so worried I'm going to disappoint you or something and I don- Wow...that was fast!"
I flex my hand a little and it's like nothing ever happened to it. I smile softly and look up at him but he is still looks a little concerned, "Amie, if this worries you too much I will cancel the whole event."
I shake my head, "No! I want to meet your friends and the people that want to meet me!" but he sighs like he's not convinced so I add, "Maybe...you can help me find something to wear? If you tell me what looks nice then I'll feel more comfortable, honest."
His eyes look up to mine and I can see a little blush inside of his cheeks that looks so cute and I just want to kiss them all over the place because he looks so adorable but before I can he nods his head, "Fine. But you know I will continually agree you will look lovely in what ever you put on."
My face gets all red because I think I know he means it and this is just another way of him secretly telling me he loves me without having to say it out loud. I don't say anything about it, since I promised I'd let it be a secret, but I turn around and say, "I'll race you to the dressing roo-"
Before I can finish he's gone and I know he's already there and I can't help but to let out a really loud laugh because he didn't even give me a chance to finish! I run to the room and there he is, waiting inside with a handful of dresses hanging on his arm and a smile, "I beat you."
I roll my eyes playfully as I grab the dress, "Only because you cheated."
"I did no such thing," he replies with that teasing smile that makes me blush all over the place and I try not to look at I walk behind the racks.
I sigh inwardly as I change into the dress he picked out, "You never do."