I really (and I mean really) struggled with an approach for this chapter, but I finally decided that diary format would be the most appropriate.
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Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho
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Icha Icha
by McGrady
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Reflections
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August 11, past dusk
Imperial Hotel in Reikai's Ivy Square
Clear skies
First page of another journal. I can't let Touya know that I, Hiei Jaganshi, keep a journal, or he'll never let me forget. My reputation will suffer and I can't have that.
As my personal customs dictate, I always reintroduce myself to every new journal I start. My name is Hiei Jaganshi. I have a twin sister, Yukina. She doesn't know that I'm her brother, but that's for the best. For a living, I am a warrior. I like fried dumplings, Yukina's Chinese roast pork, steamed watercress and baby bok choy, spicy shrimp ramen, jasmine rice, wonton soup, and mango juice.
Currently, I'm on a mission to regain strength that I lost during what I like to call "body reconstruction." As a warrior, the strength of my body is what dictates my worth. Being in a sub-perfect state is not good.
To regain my strength, I seek some monk in Reikai, which is why I'm here right now. I'd never admit it, but Koenma was kind to send me an escort, and even kinder to send Touya. The monk's name is Kiyosaki, I believe. I fended off some no name gang of bandits in Makai when they tried to mug Kiyosaki. The old monk was wounded, so I treated him. He's nearing the end of his life right now, and he insists he is indebted to me. He's going to work with me to regain my strength using some antiquated but time proven methods his temple perfected.
Hopefully, I can find him soon, and Touya won't find this journal.
ooooo
August 12, noon
Ramen shop on the central walking streets of Reikai
Sunny and windless
Touya went to find a bathroom. He's been farting a lot just now, so he's definitely giving me enough time for another entry.
Dreamed last night that I started a family with a Reikai deity, a ferry girl. We lived in Reikai as simple merchants. We had three small kids, two older girls and a younger boy. The older of the girls looked almost exactly like Botan. The younger looked like me. They had their little ferry oars and flew around are home. They played, giggled, and smiled. The boy was a toddler; he could barely walk and could hardly talk. His hair was baby blue. For some reason, I was cooking. I'm not very good at cooking. But Botan was helping me, and we laughed and kissed each other lovingly.
I'm embarrassed to say that I'm infinitely more willing to wrap my fingers around Botan's hand than around the hilt of my bloodied sword. I'm fairly sure I'm in love. But she doesn't have a clue, and this will go with me to the grave if it's in her best interest.
It's obviously in my best interest. I'm in the bingo books and wanted lists of almost every major underground organization in Makai, and they'd probably find a way to kill me if they knew of my love for her. They'd kill her in the process. As the greatest war minds said, when attacking an enemy, first attack his heart. I've seen death, have caused death, and have prevented death. But the thought of Botan's death makes my heart twist.
Though her name is Botan, I never call her that. Have to keep the mask, you know? I call her "onna": impersonal, professional, condescending. The essences of my mask.
I'd like to call her Botan like her friends do.
Damned Touya. I told him that I loved her a while ago. Bad mistake. He gives me pick up lines and advice. I roll my eyes, tell him to shove off, but secretly race to engrave his words into my mind before I forget. He tries to get me to talk about her because he knows I'll begin revealing much more than I'd like to reveal.
We both ordered extra large bowls of spicy shrimp ramen. The kind chef just slid both bowls in front of me. I flirted with the thought of pouring more hot sauce in Touya's bowl, but decided against it. I know I'll regret this decision in the near future.
ooooo
August 13, dusk
Top and Pop's Motel, Reikai
Cloudy
Touya's been trying to wheedle me all day into discussing Botan. I was having another dream about her, this one having nothing to do with the warm home we could get if she noticed me, or the smiling children we could have if she noticed me, or the happy dinners we could prepare if she noticed me. In short, we were being intimate. Touya insists that I said certain things in my sleep that I'd never say awake, my lips maneuvered in a way that wasn't suggesting eating, and a certain body part of mine stood erect (literally).
I wonder if Botan can actually bend her back like she did in my dream.
Around noon, we passed a ferry deity I recognized as one of Botan's closest friends. She had her hand laced in a Reikai Protector's arm. I hope that Botan's not expecting to end up with a Reikai Protector, all chivalrous, strong, and justifying. Their muscles are huge, their physiques huge, their broadswords huge. Does Botan want a man with muscles that big? I look at myself in the tall mirror in my room, and for the first time in my life, I truly felt physically inadequate and ashamed. Although I'm not fat, I'm far from being as muscular as those Reikai Protectors. I'm skinny as a twig compared to Yusuke, Kurama, and Kuwabara, but compared to the Reikai Protector...
I'm just thinking wishfully. In front of the tall mirror, I hold out my arm, as if offering it to Botan whom I imagined was standing beside me. I stare back into the mirror, try to smile warmly, and imagine that Botan clutches my elbow with both hands.
I see nothing but myself, alone.
ooooo
August 14, afternoon
Central Valley, Reikai. Room they gave me.
Cloudy
We found Kiyosaki, the monk. Touya left, not without giving me last minute tips on how I can win over Botan. The monk greeted me warmly, along with his disciples. It appears that Kiyosaki spread the news around his temple of my efforts to save him. The people here revere me. The attention I get here is nice and appreciated.
Kiyosaki insisted that I rest until tomorrow. So I ran sprints up and down the slopes of the valley, got a pair of younger monks to sit on my back as I did pushups, and swam some laps in the lake they have down here. Caught a fish when I finished swimming and thought about eating it, but threw it back. I didn't think Botan would approve. She makes me soft and she doesn't even know it.
ooooo
August 15, dawn
Central Valley, Reikai. My room.
Sunny, dry, still
Another dream. We had sex in Reikai Palace, in Koenma's office, on his desk.
Sometimes, I can't help but to feel ashamed of the way I think about Botan. The real Botan wouldn't be a pervert, unlike the Botan I yearn for in my dreams. I don't love Botan any less for not being a lecher, but at the same time, I'd like to act out my dreams with her one day. Of course, there's no way that'd ever happen. Botan would never strip both of us, lay me down on my back, wrap herself on top of me, or bite the base of my neck to muffle a scream.
However, it's a good thing that we've never done anything of the sort. Or rather, it's a good thing I've never done anything of the sort. I don't know why the monks' methods only work with virgins, but I'm not complaining.
ooooo
August 15, dusk
Central Valley, Reikai. My room.
Clear and cool
Two entries in the same day! Journal, I hope you're ready for a double dose of my life!
We began training me today. I learned that Kiyosaki was the leading figure in this temple, and that by saving him and whatever he was carrying back in Makai, I saved the entire temple's being. All the monks sat in a circle around me and meditated, all in the same stance. I too adopted the stance and closed my eyes. They all hummed at harmoniously, deeply. The feeling of all the monks channeling their energy to me and hearing their ubiquitous hum made my head spin.
We did other things, too. Various drills to test my agility. Some strange potions. Reflex tests.
In the evening, after dinner, Kiyosaki insisted that I should feel some results immediately. I sparred with a younger monk bare handed. Although I was holding back and didn't have a problem with him, I felt absolutely no improvement. Zero.
When I told Kiyosaki this, he was disappointed, as if he let me down. I insisted that I didn't mind. It was only the first day, after all.
ooooo
August 22, dusk
Central Valley, Reikai. My room.
Soft rain and wind
A full week of intensive training and rehabilitation. So time consuming that I didn't even have time to write another entry. Sorry, journal.
Although I've been here a full week, still no results. We're all frustrated now, and we don't know what's going on. Kiyosaki says he'll run more tests tomorrow to find out the problem. Although he's only a small old monk, Kiyosaki is a pretty smart guy. Wish I got to know him and his disciples earlier.
ooooo
August 23, noon
Central Valley, Reikai. In the courtyard.
Cloudy, still, very wet.
We just finished the test and a casual interview with the head medical monk. Don't remember his name. Okay guy, I guess. His fingernails looked like they were made of wood. He smelled like ancient musk. Funny voice, that guy has.
"Are you sure you're not a virgin?" croaked the medical monk multiple time, each time more insistent than the last. I matched his crescendo with my own kind affirmation. He invariably matched me reply with an eyebrow raise.
How would he know better than me if I were a virgin? If I had sex, I would know it. It's not like someone would come up to me in my sleep and take my virginity while I'm unconscious. That's asinine. But the medical monk thought otherwise. He knew something I didn't, and was holding it back.
I'm sitting in a tree right now, just before lunch. I have the rest of the day off, and this time I'm actually going to rest. While I know my virginity isn't the issue, I wonder whether all the blood I shed in my life affects the rehabilitation process.
ooooo
August 23, evening
Central Valley, Reikai. Library.
I'm not really sure what the weather is. No windows in this library. Sunny, maybe?
Just read an article about the social stratification of Ningenkai. Interesting how ningens climb and descend the social ladder depending on their education. More education is better for them. No wonder you will only find obese, balding weaklings at the top of the food chain in Ningenkai; the ability to talk with your fists is nullified with modern ningen laws.
For ningens who seek more education, they must attend many years of various educational institutions. I personally find it unwise for the majority of these institutes to judge a ningen's worth based solely on his grade point average, class rank, and standardized test scores. Obviously, this in an insufficient way to measure a ningen's competence. Do these standardized exams test leadership or responsibility? Do ningen educational institutions teach teamwork, time management, or organization? Do grade point averages measure punctuality and reliability?
Pathetic. I find more and more reasons to frown upon the ningen race, but every time I look down my nose upon them, I remember Botan's chastising voice and her cold, hard face upon me. Suddenly, it's me who is being looked down upon.
ooooo
August 24, morning
Central Valley, Reikai. In the mess hall.
Sunny, warm, cloudless, windless
I feel like headbutting a boulder. Just heard my test results.
Let's rewind a bit.
I woke up this morning, ate breakfast with the disciples, we have a good time. Kiyosaki, the medical monk, and other old monks who, I learned recently, are temple elders. They sat me down and informed me that I am, in fact, not a virgin.
I am silent for a while. Surely, they jest.
Oh, but I was mistaken. The test results are positive. In fact, I have traces of another being's essence in me, which hinder the rehabilitation process to uselessness.
At first, when they told me this, I asked if this necessarily meant I was not a virgin. They insisted that my spirit energy is not wholly my own, a result that can only be established through intercourse.
I was shocked, incredulous, and then suddenly worried. Have I been raped, I wonder aloud.
They laugh. They find my anxiety amusing, but provide no answer.
Unexpectedly, an awful thought struck me. Had I been raped my a man?
Now the monks are rolling on the floor. After they calm down, they assure me that only a woman could change my spirit energy as mine has been changed.
Well, that's both good and bad news.
Apparently, I am not a virgin, although I insist I've never been in a romantic relationship. The monks believe me, and cannot hypothesize as to how my spirit energy is no longer pure. They have no explanation, but they are absolutely positive that 1.) their methods will not work for one who does not have pure spirit energy and 2.) only a female can alter my spirit energy through intercourse.
However, I can't help but to feel relieved and glad that if I did in fact have intercourse (which I know I didn't), it wasn't another male. A small part of me wants to ask Botan if she knew with whom I had intercourse, but that's just foolish. She wouldn't know. She wouldn't tell me what I would want to hear: "Hiei, it was me!"
ooooo
April 24, afternoon
Central Valley, Reikai. Mess hall.
Still sunny
Wait a second.
I'm not a virgin? I'm seriously not a virgin and I didn't even know?
FUCKING HELL, what's going on?
I don't know why it took me hours to realize how badly I've been violated, and I don't even know by whom.
Now that I have no choice but to complete my rehabilitative training by myself, I have a new mission: to find the one who violated me.
ooooo
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