~Caution: I will not be responsible for any deaths by laughter that may come from reading this. And please, keep this out of the reach of children. Lol

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these obviously abused characters. I'm sorry Stephanie Meyer!


Bella's Snicker

Edward walked down the street stiffly and wondered why he ever married Bella. He was tempted to reach down and pull the rough denim material out of the crack of his ass, but he was already embarrassed enough.

Edward was walking down the street with a normal white t-shirt, but with ass length short-shorts that, if he were human, would be cutting off the circulation in his balls. He went to Bally Fitness that had a wide glass window front. Inside, there were multiple people working on the treadmill, running at a steady pace.

Edward saw this as the perfect chance to do the unthinkable. He turned around and bent down in front of the window, pretending he dropped something.

Behind him, he heard several gasps. He also heard quite a few people flying off the treadmill in shock. He stifled his laughter and kept walking down the street, shaking his butt in the process.

This might be a little fun, he grinned inwardly.

He went to the storefront of the liquor store just a couple buildings down. He bent down again, and enjoyed the sound of a car almost crashing.

Ha!

Behind him, an old lady gasped and quickly fished a camera out of her purse. She took several pictures. He was about to keep going, but he stopped short when he looked up and saw Kevin staring at him with hungry eyes not even 4 inches away.

Oh my God, Kevin thought. Please bend down again and let me get a view of that delicious behind…

A chill went up Edward's spine as he scratched his head and chuckled nervously. "Hey, there."

"How come you never called me back?" Kevin asked almost immediately.

"Um…" Edward tried to search for all the excuses he could, but he came up with nothing. Finally, he settled for the truth. "What happened between us… it was only a one-night stand, okay? I love my wife…"

"Oh." Kevin said, visibly disappointed. And here I thought he'd leave that bitch.

Edward tried not to flinch at his thoughts and turned away. "See ya."

"Wait!" Kevin shouted suddenly. He ran up to Edward and grabbed him by the wrist, forcing him to turn. Edward half expected for Kevin to slap him, but he was wrong. What he got was a full blown kiss on the lips that was hot enough to set the world on fire.

God dammit, Edward thought. Why is he so damn convincing?

He wanted to get lost in the kiss, but he was suddenly shocked by one set of thoughts that beat out the rest. It was Jacob's thoughts.

What the fuck? was all he thought as he stared at Edward and Kevin from across the street. Edward broke the kiss and stared wide-eyed at Jacob. That, however, is when he remembered what he was wearing and realized there is no possible way he can atone for this. He just made out with another man in shorts tight enough to make a dead man's legs scream in protest.

A thought came to Edward's mind: Did Bella and Alice set this up?

Bella sat on the couch and snickered to herself. Even though Alice is pretty much pissed at her for making her eat greasy food all day, Bella could tell that Alice was having a series of visions she was enjoying. Alice had told Kevin to go to liquor store in town, while Bella told Jacob to go to the store across the street from the liquor store. Both Alice and Bella knew which route Edward would take.

Hehe, perfection, Bella thought mischievously.

Carlisle ran through the woods and tried not to cringe at the breeze that raked over his naked body.

I cannot believe this, Carlisle snapped inwardly. I'm running ass-crack naked through the woods. And what if I see Sam first? He's gonna kill me!

Carlisle suddenly caught the fresh sent of Seth and ran towards the origin. Carlisle tried to think of ways to make this easier, but he couldn't. He was about to molest a dog. That's just horrible.

He suddenly ran into a small clearing and right smack into Seth. They both went flying into the ground with a loud thud. Carlisle sat up quickly, afraid that he broke something in Seth's body. But he stopped short when he realized that Seth was naked too. Looks like he was getting dressed.

Seth looked up at Carlisle's naked body and gasped loudly. This is your chance, Carlisle chanted. Just do it!

Carlisle bent down again and hugged Seth in a tight embrace. Seth went rigid for a few seconds before awkwardly hugging him back. "Uh… Carlisle? You okay, man? And why are you naked…?"

Carlisle lifted his face out of Seth's neck and smiled down at him. "I just wanted to say hi. How are you today?"

Seth squirmed uncomfortably under Carlisle's embrace and looked away with a blush. "I'm okay… How are you?"

"I'm tremendously fine!" Carlisle said with a little too much excitement. In Carlisle's ears, it sounded like restraint. But, telling by the look on Seth's face, it sounded a little creepy to him.

"Seth!" someone called suddenly. Leah walked into the clearing saying, "Geez, Seth, what's taking so─"

She stopped mid-stride and stared at Carlisle and Seth with gaping eyes. That's when Carlisle realized what this looked like. In one swift movement, he stood up and ran over to Leah. He stopped just inches away from her face and put his hands on his hips with a grin on his face.

"Hey, there, Leah!" he said buoyantly. "How are you today?"

"Um…" Leah shifted uncomfortably. "I'm doing okay… Any reason why you're naked?"

Carlisle pretended to stretch and laughed out loud. "I just wanted to feel the breeze, ya know? I wanted to feel free. But when I was running, I accidently ran into your brother."

"Oh," Leah said with a smirk playing along her lips. "Is that what happened?

"Yep."

"Huh. So, who else are you gonna try and tackle?" Leah giggled.

"Well, where's the rest of the pack?" Carlisle said bravely.

Leah thumbed behind her and grinned. "Just back there. Go ahead and say hi to them too. Sam's over there too. Are you sure you wanna go?"

NO. "Of course!" Carlisle lied through his teeth. With that, he followed Leah to the rest of the pack, leaving a very confused Seth in the middle of the clearing.

Esme perched on the foot of her bed and took a deep puff out of her cigarette. No sooner did the smoke enter her lungs did she double over and start coughing violently.

"Ugh! I hate this!" she whined. I wonder if Carlisle's ever gonna kiss me again…

Emmett walked into the diner with a banana in hand. He's already been to three other places, and there were always at least five or so people who would react. He felt like they were butt-raping him with their eyes.

Let's just get this over with and move on to the next destination…

Emmett sat down at a table and unpeeled the banana. A waiter, a blonde man who had a very masculine physique, came up to the table and smiled genuinely.

"May I help you, Mr. Cullen?" he asked politely.

Does everyone in this town know us? Emmet shook his head mentally and smiled up at the waiter. "Do you guys have any whipped cream?"

The waiter tilted his head in confusion. "Whipped… cream? Yes we do, but… may ask why, sir?"

"Well," Emmett said while taking off the rest of the banana peel, "it would really be nice to eat this banana. But it always tastes best to me with whipped cream on top. I'll pay you, if you'd like. A real generous tip, just for you." Emmett winked to add an effect.

The waiter grinned widely and nodded. "Right away, sir."

The waiter left to retrieve the whipped cream, while Emmett sat there staring at the banana. He wanted to throw it out the window in disgust, but that would draw attention. Emmett hated bananas, and Bella knew that. Oh, how badly did he want to kill her─

"Here you go, sir." the waiter said, interrupting his reverie. The blonde waiter handed Emmett a can of whipped cream with a smile on his face. Emmett could tell he was enjoying himself.

Emmett took the whipped cream can and spread whipped cream in a swirl all over the banana. When he was done, he took his free hand a fished out a $50 bill out of his pocket. He handed the bill to a now shocked waiter.

"Thank you." Emmett whispered with a grin. The waiter walked away with a dazed expression as Emmett took in the banana. He sighed once, and grimaced to himself as he felt a number of eyes on him.

Emmett brought the banana to his mouth and licked the side of it very slowly. He closed his eyes and pretended to bask in its taste, when in reality, it tasted horrible. When his tongue reached the top, he curled the tip of his tongue and brought his tongue back into his mouth with a smile on.

He looked up briefly and fought the urge to scream as he realized that everyone in the diner was staring at him with different expressions. It ranged from curiosity to disgust, and from amusement to sexual desire.

Just eat the damn banana, Emmett screamed at himself. But he knew he couldn't do it quickly. Emmett didn't want to give up on any challenge; that just wasn't the guy he was. So he turned the banana a little bit and continued licking the sides slowly, making sure his face was twisted up like he was having an orgasm.

Rosalie sat in the dark room with her arms crossed over her chest. Across the room from her was a clown, lit up by one of the two only lights in the room. The lights lit up Rosalie and the clown only, nothing else.

The clown grinned widely, stretching his painted red cheeks, making chills run up Rosalie's spine. You see, Rosalie has an epic fear of clowns, simply because she had a bad experience with them when she was young. Ugh, Rosalie shivered at the memory.

The clown continued to smile at Rosalie for a long time, making her antsy. Finally, she snapped. "Would you please stop staring at me as if you're gonna eat me?"

The clown snickered and shook his head. Then, in a voice so high-pitched that it shouldn't belong to any man, let alone a human, he said, "I was paid generously to stay in here and give you the creeps. That pretty brunette in there sure is a sweetie pie."

Then, he whispered, "You're not that bad looking, yourself, sugar."

Rosalie bit her lip and tried not to scream. Just a little longer. Show her who's boss. "I'm not your sugar," she whispered calmly. "I'm married."

The clown let out an exasperated sigh. "Well, that stinks. Oh well."

"Oh… well…?" Rosalie squeaked.

"Yeah, baby. Oh well." The clown got up slowly and made his way across the room. Rosalie squealed once before pushing herself out of the chair and onto the floor. She backed into the wall shaking and let out a small, defenseless growl. The clown just laughed.

"That was cute. I have a few tricks myself." He took his hand and squeezed his makeshift rubber nose, extracting a loud squeak from the blood red ball. The sound made Rosalie shiver involuntarily.

"Get away!" she begged. But the clown just laughed again.

"No way. Us clowns are lonely today, sweetie." His grin became feral and evil in Rosalie's eyes, and she grew so scared that she literally saw red.

The clown drew closer, making Rosalie yelp, "No!"

The clown's face was inches from hers as he whispered, "Beg, little lady, beg while you can. We're about to have some fun!"

"NO!!!"

Jasper ran down the street, or walking in his case, humming the tune to The Circle Of Life. Then, after a big breath of air, he bellowed:

"From the day we arrive on the planet.

And blinking, step into the sun.

There's more to see than can ever be seen.

Or to do than can ever be done.

There's far too much to be taken in.

Or to find than can ever be found.

The sun rolling high

through the sapphire sky…"

Then, Jasper jumped onto a fire hydrant, making sure not to put too much pressure into it. Even though there was a five year old staring up at him as if he were crazy, he sang:

"It's the circle of life!

And it moves us all-"

Alice sat on the couch with Bella with a Big Mac in hand. She took another bite and gagged. Beside her, Bella shook her head and snickered. "Alice, you have to eat it."

"But─" Alice began to whine. But Bella put up her hand and stopped her.

"Nah uh, no complaining." Bella smirked. "Eat that Big Mac, or else I'll make you go back and get a large order of fries."

Alice grumbled under her breath and took another painful bite. Hey, Alice thought wistfully, at least Edward's going through hell on earth. Hehe.

Reneesme bit into the uncooked eggplant on her plate and cringed at the sour taste. She felt like her taste buds were stabbing her tongue. But she suffered through it, knowing that it'd be over soon. She got up from the table and grabbed the untouched carrot. The carrot was easier to eat, but it was still gross.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Reneesme took the carrot with her as she answered the door. However, she was glad she swallowed the orange chunk by the time she answered the door, because if she didn't, she would have choked from shock.

There, standing on the doorstep, was a very pissed off Sam and a very confused Jacob.

"Hi," Reneesme said innocently. Sam glared down at her, making her shrink back.

"Don't you dare act innocent," he snarled. "What the hell is going on around here?!"

Reneesme just shrugged and took another bite of the carrot. That's when Jacob noticed. "Um," he said, "why are you eating carrots?"

Reneesme swallowed the painful bite and tried to smile. "Because it's yummy…"

"You're so full of it," Jacob grinned. "Is Bella punishing you?"

"Sorta." Reneesme admitted.

"Enough!" Sam bellowed. "Explain to me why your grandfather ran up to me naked and tackled me!"

"And why was your dad walking around the town in short shorts so criminal, he should be put on death row? And why was he swapping spit with some guy he met up with?"

Sam faltered and stared at Jacob with wide eyes. "You never mentioned that part─"

A loud scream erupted from the house, making all three of them jump. Suddenly, Rosalie jumped over Reneesme and pushed Jacob and Sam out of the way. Reneesme stepped out of the way as a tall, creepy clown ran after her with a big smile on his face.

"Leave me ALONE!!!" Rosalie cried as she rushed into the forest.

"COME ON, BABY, LET ME SHOW YOU A FEW MORE TRICKS! HAHAHA!!!!" The clown chased her into the forest, leaving Sam, Jacob, and Reneesme gaping after them.

"Through despair and hope.

Through faith and love!

Till we find our place,

our path unwinding.

It's the circle,

the circle of life!!!"

Jasper continued to run down the street, dancing with the cheering and singing people of Forks. Who knew you could make a musical in the middle of the street?