Evan hadn't woken up with a plan; all he'd intended to do was focus on getting through the day, keeping his head down low and himself out of any trouble. Texting Connor during class, therefore, is a completely spontaneous decision that happens after Zoe finds him that morning to tell him even though her brother had given her a ride to school, he'd driven out again straight afterwards. He's not sure what possesses him to do it, but worry is a strong motivator. Evan knows that Conor isn't a happy person and he has first-hand experience what those sort of negative emotions can lead you to do. Not that he thinks Connor is going to climb up a tree and…anyway, he's just worried, that's all, and it's not even something he can blame on his anxiety. His anxiety makes him nervous about irrational, stupid things. His concern for Connor is neither of those and so the desire to be the quiet, good student is overridden and he sneaks his phone out of his pocket to hold under the desk. Thankfully it's only English with the 80% blind Mrs Kapinski.

The buzz of a reply has Evan slumping in relief but the message itself makes the edges of his lips curl down.

Probably

Connor might not mean anything by it, might only mean that he doesn't know how long he'll be skipping for…but even then, he could have written eventually. Probably means that there's the possibility he'll never come back and Evan feels fear building up at the thought. It isn't just that they're soulmates; it's the fact that in such a short amount of time Connor has become important to him. He no longer knows how he'll navigate the still unfamiliar school halls without him. Evan may have once been used to being lonely but ever since Connor, he's not sure he knows how to cope with it anymore.

After a brief interlude of panic and terror, where Mrs Kapinski's rendition of Shakespeare is nothing more than white noise, Evan types back the truth to Connor - that he misses him. Because he can't force Connor to come to school, Evan doesn't think anyone can get Connor to do anything he doesn't want to, but he can tell him how he feels. And Evan does miss him. More than he probably should.

The lack of a reply hurts and so in order to distract himself, he throws himself into the lessons, essentially writing down word for word what the teacher says despite how much it makes his wrist hurt. It helps, for a little while, but the thoughts are always there in the back of his mind. Connor doesn't miss you. Connor doesn't care. No amount of writing, or wrist pain, can drown them out.

Except, then Evan gets a text. A text from Connor saying he misses him too and that, that is worth everything because it means there's hope. Hope that Evan can get through to Connor.

And that's when Evan makes another spontaneous decision. He decides that if Conor isn't going to come back to school, at least, not in the foreseeable future, then Evan is going to go to him. Again. Maybe. The whole plan depends on whether Evan can actually find him because as much as Mrs Murphy was nice the last time they met, he wants to speak to Connor alone, which means finding out where he goes when he skips. Also, he doesn't think she'll be very happy with Connor when she finds out what he's done. He still remembers the look on Zoe's face when she'd told him that morning, how she recounted turning around only to see his car out of the gates. If that was Zoe's reaction, he couldn't imagine Mrs Murphy's being any better and she might not be as accommodating to having him around. And if there's one thing Evan absolutely hates, it's being places where he clearly isn't wanted (which happens to be often.)

"Evan? Hey, did you want to come over and wait for Connor again? Because my dad's coming home early today and I really doubt him or my mom are gonna be in a good mood…"

"No, I-" Evan takes a deep breath, recovering from running over to Zoe at the bus stop. Evan knows he can't go blindly into this, all he'll end up doing is walk around aimlessly and, figuring that Connor wants to be left alone, he won't be right outside any bus stops. "I just wondered if you knew where he goes when he skips. Because, I was thinking, if I found him there it might be easier to talk to him. More private."

Zoe bites her lip. "Well, I remember this one time we found him by the apple orchard. The one that shut down. He's always liked it there. Other than that, I'm not too sure. I guess he could be by the skate parks but Connor doesn't like any of the other stoner kids there."

Well, it's a start. "Okay, thanks. Um, I'll check it out."

"Text me if you find him? Not because I like, care about him, or anything," Zoe is quick to say. "I just want to make sure you're not wandering around that abandoned orchard for ages on your own."

"I will," Evan promises and takes a look on google to find the bus that stops closest to the orchard. There aren't any stops right by it but there's one that goes to the school and stops about 15 minutes away on foot. While Evan hopes that Zoe's right and that Connor doesn't plan on leaving the orchard any time soon, if not then at least he'll be getting some fresh air.

(And an excuse to look at trees.)

On the bus, Evan drops a text off to his mom that he's going around Connor's. She's not meant to be home until late tonight but he doesn't really want a repeat of last time and he figures it's best to be safe, especially when he'll be even further away this time.

Despite the fact it's been closed for years, there's still a fence surrounding the orchard and a padlock on the gate meaning Evan's forced to climb over. In theory it shouldn't have been too difficult, but Evan doesn't have an athletic bone in his body and so, while his pants thankfully remain rip free, he ends up with a long trail of grime on the back of them. But at least he's in, faced with rows and rows of trees, some still surviving without the care, other's not doing so well. While a piece of him is soothed by being surrounded by so much nature, he suddenly feels a lot less optimistic about finding Connor and he hadn't had that much to begin with.

Maybe he should have texted Connor, asked if this was okay, checked whether he was actually here. Except, Evan's pretty sure that if he had done so, Connor either wouldn't have replied, would have deflected or would have given him the wrong place. Evan likes running from his problems but Connor takes it to another level.

One good thing about his search, however, is that all the trees are pretty thin so there's no way Connor could be completely hidden by one. He wanders around mindlessly for a bit until he spies a river running along the edge. Evan thinks that if he were the one coming here to relax, to hide, then the river would be a nice place to do it by and so he decides to follow it.

As it turns out, he and Connor think alike because there, at first a tiny speck in the distance, is his soulmate. He doesn't even stir as Evan approaches and when he gets closer, he realises it's because Connor is asleep.

Evan quickly shoots a text off to Zoe saying, 'Found him' and then uses the opportunity given to observe what Connor's like asleep, without any barriers. His first thought is that he definitely looks different. When awake, Connor's face always seems to betray the anger and frustration that's lurking within him in the form of tense, sharp lines. Even when he smiles there's a rigidness to him, like visible walls that have yet to crumble down. Now, though, there's nothing for Connor to hide behind. The lines are smoothed out and his expression is peaceful. There's even a slight upturn to his lips, like the will to smile is there, but Connor just constantly supresses it. Evan almost doesn't want to wake him. He commits this image to memory so that even if Connor ends up yelling at him, he can remember it.

Of course, it's during this that Conor wakes up.

"What the fuck?!"

Evan winces and takes a step back. Connor scrunches up his shirt over his heart and glares at Evan while he waits for his heart rate to slow down. Evan can see that his eyes are red and there's the ends of what Evan guesses are blunts surrounding him.

"Sorry," Evan apologises. "I was just…I was worried. I mean, I know you texted back so that meant you were okay but you just said probably and even though you probably meant nothing by it I couldn't stop thinking, what if he does and then, then you sent that last text and I…I guess I just wanted to see you," he finishes off lamely.

Connor digests Evan's ramble and his expression of annoyance dwindles into something Evan thinks might be resignation. "Well, you've seen me. I figure that's not gonna be enough to get you to leave?"

That stings but Evan tries not to let it show. Instead, he shrugs. "I thought we could talk about…stuff."

"Stuff," Connor sighs. He looks around him before apparently finding what he was looking for, lifting his lighter in victory. He pulls out another joint and then hesitates. "You mind?"

Evan shakes his head, not actually sure if he does mind since he's never been around anyone high before, and Connor lights it up. He takes a drag and then asks, "You wanna try?"

Evan's…tempted but he's heard reactions can go either way and with the medication he's on…he'd just rather have a clear head for this, even if Connor's not of the same opinion.

"I figured. So, how'd you find me?" He takes another drag, this time puffing out a few rings. Though Connor doesn't look like he's trying to show off, Evan's impressed nonetheless, watching the rings gradually disperse as he comes to sit beside the other boy.

"I asked Zoe and she said they found you here once. Did you used to come here when it was open?"

Connor begins to pick at his chipped nail polish. "Yeah, a lot when me and Zoe were kids. It was…nice."

"Tell me what it was like?"

Connor opens his mouth but then his eyes narrow. "Why'd you wanna know?"

Evan bites his lip before replying. "Why not?" Because you don't seem to have many good memories and maybe it'd do you good to think about them. Because I'd like to hear that you did used to be happy, that things weren't always so bad for you.

Connor huffs, reclining with one arm pillowed behind his head, the other holding onto his blunt. "We used to come here every summer and pick apples. A tradition, you know? It used to be a big deal because it was the one day, excluding holidays away, that my dad would turn off his phone. Me and Zoe used to have competitions about who could fill their basket the fastest and once we'd done that, we'd go hunting for four leaf cloves."

"Did you ever find one?" Evan asks with a smile.

Snorting, Connor replies, "No. Maybe that's why I have such shitty luck. Zoe used to pretend she had though. Would rip a leaf off one and try to stick it on another."

Evan chooses to ignore the first bit when he says, "That sounds like it was fun."

"I guess." He flicks the ash onto the ground and though Evan briefly gets concerned, thoughts of forest fires flashing in his mind, the embers die instantly.

"Why do you do it?" The question has been lingering around in Evan's mind for a while now and it pops up unexpectedly. Connor raises an eyebrow.

"Do what?" He questions blandly.

"Um, smoke."

"You want the real version or the PG version? I wouldn't want to ruin whatever misguided illusion you have of me," Connor says, bitterness colouring his tone and Evan finds that he's frustrated too, though he's not sure exactly why. He wants to say it's because of Connor but that's not true because Evan knows he can't control it, whatever it is. Maybe he's frustrated because nothing's been done to help. Even Evan has help – his therapist, the medication. How much it helps could be debatable but it's something. He doesn't think Connor has that something.

"I want the honest answer Connor," Evan replies firmly, if quietly. "You're not…you're not going to scare me off."

"You say that…" Connor mutters. "Smoking makes it all," he waves a hand around him, "go away for a bit. The world sucks. Sure it has its moments where you think, oh, maybe it's not all bad but then shit happens that reminds you, oh yeah, it's a fucking disaster that caters to the rich and the 'normal'. This," he shakes the blunt, the wind blowing the smoke in his direction and Evan fights not wrinkle his nose at the smell, "This makes it seem better. Helps me forget for a bit. If you haven't realised yet, I fucking hate a lot of things, including myself. I'm not a good guy. I'm a self-destructive pessimist who can't even use the self-acknowledgement to help. I'm a fucking weirdo, a waste of space who burns everything he touches. So, congrats, there's your soulmate. Aren't you glad?"

"I'm still here," is what Evan says first because, honestly, he knew all this and he knows that the only way he can prove to Connor that he's not everything he says he is, is through action, through actively showing him that he's staying, that he's worth it. Because Evan has seen moments of light in his soulmate, moments where a healthier, happier, Connor shines through. Everyone has their darkness, maybe Connor more than most, and maybe he'll never completely change or get better but Evan doesn't care. Nobody's perfect. He himself has his own problems and he doesn't think they'll ever completely go away either.

"Have you…have you ever considered therapy?" Evan broaches delicately.

Connor glares at him briefly, looking as if he's offended, but then he takes a long drag and his expression becomes more neutral again.

"I went to rehab once. Last summer. They had a councillor who tried to make me talk about my problems but she was fucking awful. Focused on the effect it had on my family and would always talk about how they felt. The only reason I got clean then was so I could get the fuck away from her. I think my mom considered an actual therapist but my dad said no, that this was just 'behavioural problems' that I'd grow out of." He laughs. "That's worked well so far."

"…Maybe you should try and bring it up again?"

"You're being awfully persistent there Evan. Realising that you can't stay with me like this? I fucking told you," he huffs.

"It's not that Connor!" Evan exclaims, his loud voice surprising even him. He thinks about what his own therapist has told him, words that at the time had gone through one ear and out the other but he now understood a little better. "There's no shame in admitting you need, or want, help. Just…just because someone can't see what's wrong doesn't mean that there isn't something wrong. I go to therapy and it…it does help. My letters have helped. A bit. I don't want to change you Connor, I just want you to like yourself the way I like you. I want you to be happier. Don't you want that?"

An uncomfortable expression comes over Connor. "Do you like yourself?" He asks with quiet curiosity and Evan bites the inside of the cheek. He considers lying but it won't end up doing any good. "Not really but…I'm trying to. Like…my hair is good and um, my ears. They're pretty okay and I, uh, I have good manners and um…actually, just ignore me." Evan blushes, remembering his first attempt at a letter where he'd written all this down before. Saying it out loud doesn't make it any less lame and now Connor's just staring at him.

"Yeah, you do have pretty good ears," Connor says lightly and Evan doesn't know whether to laugh or not. "Hey. Do you, or did you, ever get-"

Whatever Connor's about to say gets cut off when he swears and Evan looks to the side to see him pulling out his phone. It's vibrating loudly in Connor's hand and his soulmate squints at the screen with blown out pupils.

"Fuck that," he says and chucks his phone. Evan just manages to stop it from rolling down into the water. He sees 'Mom' flashing up on the screen.

"Uh, it looks like you have a voice message," Evan tentatively says and Connor snorts.

"Of course I do. It'll be all teary and 'oh Connor where are you? I thought you were doing better! How could you skip school?'" Connor's high pitched imitation of his mom makes Evan cringe. He wishes he knew what was going on between Connor and his mom. To him, she'd seemed nice.

Evan doesn't think Connor will appreciate him saying that.

"So, are you gonna come to school tomorrow?" Evan asks, trying not to sound too desperate.

"I'll probably have to," Connor mutters. "You still want me around?" He then checks and Evan's certain when he nods his head.

"I do. I'm not changing what I said earlier. I want to stick around if…if you'll let me."

Evan's prepared for the challenge, the self-deprecating remark and though it looks like it's on the tip of Connor's tongue, all he ends up saying is 'Okay'. There's still a hint of disbelief and bitterness in his tone but Evan will work on removing that. It's hard, knowing that there's a guy who does secretly care about stuff, who might even care about Evan, but so clearly doesn't care about himself. Evan's not going to become his self-appointed therapist or anything but…he can be there. That's the one thing in all this that Evan can actually do.

"Do you wanna skip rocks?" Connor speaks up suddenly and unprepared for the question, Evan simply nods dumbly. Serious conversation apparently over, they go hunting for the flattest stones they can find, the two of them trying to skip them across the short distance of the stream. Evan's never done it before so he isn't surprised when he continuously fails, all the stones falling straight through with a splash. He can't even blame the water because Connor himself is a natural. He gets in on average 3 skips before his pebbles hit the other side of the stream.

"How do you do that?" Evan asks him and Connor shrugs.

"I dunno. I guess it's in the wrist action. Lemme watch you do it."

His cheeks burning slightly, Evan throws one of the stones of his collection. With Connor's eyes on him, he does even worse than usual, the stone veering off to the side before landing in the water with a soft 'plop'.

"You're just using your arm. You've just gotta flick your wrist. Like this, see." Slowly, Connor mimes the action and Evan tries to mimic him, really he does, but all that happens is the stone doesn't even make it to the water. It flies to the side of him, skipping pretty impressively on the ground.

Connor makes an odd huffing sound. "Here. I'll help."

And then Connor's beside him. Close. Evan attempts not to freeze or flinch as Connor's hands come up to him, one lightly gripping his right wrist, the other resting on his knuckles. So incredibly aware of Connor's breathing, he almost misses what the other boy says.

"So you've got to start of strong and then go gentle so you get the power for it to skip but it doesn't go to the side like it did before. Here." He passes Evan another stone. "So, like this. Throw when I tap my finger."

Under Connor's careful guidance, Evan flings the stone. He watches with bated breath as the stone flies to the water and unlike all the previous times, does one little hop across it before sinking down.

"I did it!" Evan exclaims and in his excitement, catches Connor's hand in his. When he realises what he's done, he instantly releases it and while he refuses to look at Connor, he sees out of the corner of his eye that his soulmate's cheeks are also tinted a soft pink.

"Yeah, you did," Connor replies, once he's recovered, a light smirk on his face. "Wanna try it on your own now?"

Evan nods and soon the two of them are competing, seeing who can get the most skips in. More often than not, it's Connor, but Evan does better than he expects and he might not be the high one but he sure feels like he could be. Eventually, it all comes to an end when they realise they've run out of rocks.

"Do you want to get some more?" Connor asks.

Evan checks the time on his phone. "It's getting kinda late. I should probably head back," he admits, not really wanting to leave because this whole skipping rocks thing with Connor? It had been a lot of fun. It had been nice pretending, if only for a moment, that the outside world didn't exist, that there were no problems. Just the two of them skipping rocks.

Connor sighs. "I guess. Want me to drop you off?"

"O-oh no, I don't want to bother you-"

"Trust me," Connor interrupts him wryly. "You'd be doing me a favour. Not only do I get to stay away longer but who knows, maybe I'll win some brownie points. Also, I'm not high anymore, if that's what you're worried about. At least…I've driven worse."

That's not exactly reassuring but Evan still says, "Okay then. If you're sure."

Much to Evan's alarm there are lights on when he gets back but instead of the reprimand he's expecting, his mom just grins at him when he enters.

"Was that Connor dropping you off? He's a nice kid. Did you boys have a good time?"

Evan can't stop the smile on his face when he replies, "Yeah. Yeah we did."

Because we needed a cheesy bonding moment okay.

Let me know your thoughts :)