characters: Leighton Tanner (OC), Reid, Hotch, JJ, Seaver, Morgan, Rossi, mention of Prentiss

setting: AU from 6x24 - Supply & Demand onward

disclaimer: fic•tion [fíksh'n]: literary works of imagination

SCARS REMIND US WHERE WE'VE BEEN;;

chapter nine

date: May 25th-27th, 2011

(1)

Leighton's eyes go wide at Hotch's words. "You want me?" she asks. He wants her on his team? When everyone heard about the budget cuts, the entire BAU changed. Colleagues she thought would never leave were suddenly looking for new opportunities, being reassigned to other field offices across the country. Two entire teams were cut from the budget, and there she was, without any particular aspirations, being asked to join one of the most successful teams the BAU has.

"You sound surprised," Hotch says. Hiring Leighton wasn't something he had to think about; he wanted to get her before someone else saw her potential and snatched her away. With adding Leighton, and JJ being back, his team will be considerably larger, but he needs another experienced profiler.

"I heard the Director was looking for someone more senior." It's not that she's not grateful for the opportunity, or isn't eager to work for Hotch and with this team, but not even Reid is considered a senior agent yet.

"You've been with the BAU for almost four years," Hotch says. The only thing that the Director had insisted on was that the new agent was female and had BAU experience. Seaver was a good agent, but she's too young to handle all the aspects of the job. Leighton has already met with all the aspects of the job. "More importantly, you've worked with this team before."

Leighton looks at Hotch. He doesn't blink. "Why do you have so much faith in me?" she asks, because really, every field report crosses Hotch's desk too now that he's taken some of Strauss' responsibilities. He knows about her impulse-control issues and reads her psych evaluations. So why would he risk placing her in this team that already has its own rhythm, its shared experiences?

"I know that when we met you had an intermittent tremor in your left hand whenever someone mentioned your past," Hotch answers. Leighton straightens herself in her chair. She doesn't like being profiled, but she thinks she might have to get used to that. "The times after that you still looked at it, because you were afraid you hadn't dealt with that past. I've brought it up twice now, and you haven't so much as flinched. Maybe that's because you're conscious of it, or because you've let it go." Leighton knows she hasn't let go of anything. "Either way, you've grown. That's what makes you a good agent."

Hotch always has such a clear way of putting things, Leighton thinks, yet for some reason she gets the feeling Hotch isn't telling her the entire story. As far as field assignments go this is her dream job, her dream team even, but Emily hasn't been gone for that long. She's not sure this is the best thing for Hotch's team. Doesn't he realize that himself?

"Team's waiting in the conference room," Hotch says and gets up from behind his desk. "Shall we?"

Leighton gets up slowly and hesitates; part of her had hoped she'd get the chance to talk to Reid before he found out along with the rest of the team. Everyone had taken Emily's death pretty hard, but Reid was her best friend. He's not going to like finding out like this.

Leighton follows Hotch to the conference room in silence. The team's involved in animated conversation, laughing freely, exchanging stories with JJ. Something tells Leighton they won't be welcoming her the same way. And she's right, the room goes deadly silent as soon as Hotch and her walk in.

Reid looks at her, and frowns.

"Everyone," Hotch says, and remains standing. "I know these past few months haven't been easy on any of us." Hotch looks each of his team members in the eyes. "Leighton's been reassigned to this unit." Everyone starts looking at everyone else, a quiet shock rippling around the table. Leighton stands still next to Hotch, hands in her pockets. "I trust we can all make her feel welcome." The silence is tense and uncomfortable.

"Leighton," Hotch turns towards her, "I don't think you've met Agent Ashley Seaver."

Hotch sits down at the table as Seaver gets up to shake Leighton's hand. The younger woman smiles at her, but it's strained. Leighton knows she's intruding, she feels like an intruder, walking into a spot previously occupied by Emily. Emily, the strong. Emily, the brave. Emily, the courageous. She feels Morgan's eyes pinning her down when she sits down between Hotch and Rossi.

JJ walks over to Leighton and hands her the case file, smiling at her in encouragement. Leighton is grateful that there's nothing in JJ's smile that suggests discomfort. She looks for Reid's eyes across the table, but he avoids looking at her.

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(2)

She's been watching Reid for a whole of five minutes before she says anything. He hasn't said a word to her since they left the conference room, and it feels unnatural. They're capable of this silence when they're comfortable with each other, when the situation calls for some kind of silence, a comfort, a respect. But this, this isn't natural.

"You think he's local?" Leighton walks over to him, determined to talk this through, or at the very least elicit some reaction. Reid is pinning thumbtacks to the map on the evidence board.

"Impossible to say at this point," Reid mutters, staring at the dots on the map. "We need at least three points to establish an accurate geographical profile." Leighton purses her lips, and nods to herself once. Either Reid is completely oblivious to the way he's treating her, or he's purposely ignoring her. Leighton doesn't like it either way.

"You know," Leighton starts, and she's saying it because she knows they've reached a point where they can talk to each other about anything, without feeling embarrassed or awkward, or ashamed, "—out of all the people I thought would give me a hard time, I didn't think you'd be one of them."

Reid's head snaps towards her, as if her words are a complete absurdity. "A hard time?" he frowns, licks his lips, and shakes his head. "I haven't—"

"—said a word to me since we got on the plane," Leighton adds, and watches Reid cast down his eyes, staring down at his feet. He knows she's right. "I'm not replacing Emily," Leighton says carefully, because that's what this is really about, Leighton forcing her way into a place already spoken for.

"You couldn't," Reid says softly. It doesn't hurt Leighton to hear it, she knows she'll never be an Emily so how could she ever replace her? "I'm sorry," Reid adds. Leighton knows it's not his words he's apologizing for, it's his behavior towards her. There's a short silence as he rubs his eyes. "You have a very clear and defined place in my life, Leigh," he says, and pinches the bridge of his nose, "and now you're here, and— It's hard, that's all."

"My being on this team doesn't mean we have to stop being friends." But she knows that in order to make this work, she might need to let him go a little. For a while at least.

"Of course not," Reid admits immediately. "Not at all," he says, but looks away from her again. "That might be the problem."

Leighton turns her head too, feeling something in her chest tighten. She knows what he's trying to say, she knows what insecurities Reid tries to cope with every time someone on his team leaves, is forced out, has now died. Normally she'd tell him that he won't lose her, that she's not going anywhere, but she realizes that's only a promise she would have made him if they'd met before her own brush with death. Truth is, no one can ever know when someone in their life goes away, when someone decides they've had enough of this job, or worse, gets killed.

He finds Leighton's silence daunting, and telling of how well she now knows him.

"I mean, is it even worth it?" Reid asks, and looks at Leighton, frowning "If doing this job means losing the people you love, then why do it at all?"

"Because that's not what our job is about," Leighton hears herself say, but the voice isn't hers, it sounds more like something prerecorded or rehearsed. That's not to say she doesn't mean every word. "We do it for them." Leighton looks at the evidence board, at the victims' pictures, smiling back at them. "We give them back their voices, and bring their killers to justice."

Reid smiles to himself, but very privately. He'll need more time to get used to the idea of Leighton being part of the team, even more part of his work life than before. The thought of losing her too had spooked through his head from the moment Hotch had said she was now part of the team. Part of him wants to push her away, it's pulling at him from the inside, but he knows he can't do that, for the team's sake. For his own sake.

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(3)

"Morgan," Leighton calls after him, and consciously chooses to stop right there, in that spot on the driveway before going anywhere else with him. Reid had been giving her the silent treatment because he didn't know how to handle her presence on the team, but Morgan was airing a passive-aggressive attitude that was starting to get on her nerves.

"Are you coming?" Morgan turns and looks at her. "Hotch wants us to check out these addresses ASAP."

"Not until you talk to me," Leighton says, crossing her arms over her chest.

"About what, Tanner?" Morgan asks. The tone he treats her last name with is both condescending and unnecessarily harsh. "About my feelings?" Morgan continues, and traces a few steps back towards her. "About you suddenly being on this team?" The anger in Morgan's voice shocks Leighton; he's acting as if she killed someone to get this job. It's almost like he's telling her she's happy Emily is dead.

"You think this would be easier if I was a stranger?" Leighton asks, trying to mellow her tone. She's well aware that everyone is still mourning Emily's death.

"Yes," Morgan answers immediately. "Very," he stresses. If Leighton was a stranger he would have the right to treat her like this, like an enemy invading his territory, his team's territory, Emily's territory. If he didn't know her he wouldn't have to pretend not to care.

"And then what, Morgan?" Leighton shakes her head. "We're supposed to be a team. Team members get close." But she knows that part of her doesn't really believe that, her first team had left her with too many bad experiences to truly buy into that. It's just what she hopes it will become with this new team. This can't be a repeat.

"Where's it written that it has to be that way?" Morgan asks.

"Because without trust people get killed."

"Don't do that, Tanner," Morgan shakes his head, and turns, walking towards the car. "Don't make this about you." How dare she? How can she think only about herself and talk about team spirit at the same time? But he knows that's his anger talking. He's been angry for so long now.

Leighton runs after him. "If you don't know me, Derek, how are you ever going to trust me?" she almost shouts. "How are you going to have my back?" At this point she thinks both of them are just working out their frustration. "I know what losing your trust in your team feels like. I've lived it." And yes, maybe she's making it too much about herself, but she sees so much of herself in Morgan right now. "Don't let that happen here. Trust breeds trust. And you and me don't have that in spades to begin with."

Morgan takes a moment to let her words sink in. He realizes that maybe he hasn't been giving her all the credit he should. "You think I don't trust you?" he asks, his tone serious, and he feels his anger leaving him. She's right, he thinks, they both have trust issues.

"I think you don't want to," Leighton answers.

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(4)

No one really understands why. Why did Hotch add Leighton to their team? Leighton, the impulsive. Leighton, the reckless. Leighton, who everyone knows has had a close relationship with Reid. Not even Rossi, who has seen so many different teams already, can figure out what Hotch is thinking. Was thinking.

He understands the reasoning for Morgan, because he'd have a hard time accepting anyone right now that wasn't already his friend. And while having couples on the same team isn't entirely unheard off, Hotch has to realize this will throw off the dynamics between Reid and Leighton as well, at least for a while. Reid doesn't deal with change very well. He knows he went over Hotch's head getting JJ back on the team, but he'd expected Hotch to be grateful, rather than cut him out of the loop.

He finds Leighton in the bullpen when he walks out of his office. Seaver is tidying up her own desk, but Leighton is staring at Emily's desk; no one had cleared it out yet. "Freaks you out, doesn't it?" he calls out, and when Leighton looks at him he notices how her eyes are panic-stricken. He checks himself.

"Excuse me?" Leighton blinks.

"Knowing Hotch fought for you." Rossi shrugs, and descends the small set of steps down to the bullpen. Hotch is still going over paperwork in his office. "And so soon after Emily." Leighton casts down her eyes; he knows there's something in his tone that's almost accusatory, and it's not like him. "Don't sell yourself short, kid," he adds, and Leighton looks up at him. "Hotch never fights for something he doesn't believe in."

"Morgan—" Leighton starts, but doesn't say it.

"Give him time," Rossi says. "He'll come around." Leighton nods to herself. One thing's for sure, Rossi catches himself thinking, Leighton will work harder than she's ever worked before to fit into a team. After all, she's already friends with most of them. "Go home. Get some sleep."

Leighton smiles softly, "I will."

But long after Rossi leaves Leighton is still staring at Emily's things, her own things in a box at her feet.

"Are you okay?" Seaver's voice sounds from behind her.

Leighton turns, and looks at her; she's hesitant to say anything at all, but she knows she has to make an effort. "I shouldn't be the one doing this," Leighton answers softly. It feels disrespectful for her to do this, clearing out Emily's desk herself, and she's surprised Hotch left this to her at all. Or any of the others for that matter.

"I'll give you a hand," Seaver says, and smiles at her softly.

"Thanks," Leighton says, slightly shocked. Morgan had gone home with Garcia, probably because he needed to talk to her about Leighton. Reid had gone home as well, claiming he had a headache from the heat they'd endured during their trip. Maybe no one was willing to acknowledge Emily being gone by clearing out her desk themselves.

"Did—Hotch tell you about me?" Seaver asks carefully, lifting a stack of empty folders from one of the drawers of Emily's desk. Leighton's desk.

Seaver is more to the point than Leighton had initially thought. When Reid had first told her about Seaver, about her history, part of her felt she could relate to her without having met her. But Leighton realizes now there's little she can actually relate to. Seaver seems much stronger than her. "No, but—" Leighton hesitates.

"Reid did," Seaver says timidly, and smiles to herself. It's shameful to admit, but Leighton can't help but feel a stab of jealousy, even though it's perfectly normal for Seaver to know Reid like this after working with him these past few months. "It's okay," Seaver adds when Leighton stays silent. "I just thought you should know." Leighton knows Seaver tells her this for the team's sake, for the team dynamics.

She doesn't ask Seaver if she knows about her story, she figures that if Seaver hadn't heard it from Rossi or Reid, she probably heard it on the news. Either way, unlike Seaver, talking about her past doesn't come quite so easy, whether it was for the good of the team or not.

Ten minutes later Seaver leaves her too, and Hotch is still inside his office. It takes Leighton only a handful of strides to get there.

"Why did you put me on this team, Hotch?" Leighton asks, leaning against the doorframe.

Hotch looks up from his papers. "Why do you think?"

"I have no idea." Leighton shrugs. "The two people I'm closest to are giving me the cold shoulder, Seaver sees me as competition, and Rossi only accepts me because he has to." It sounds crude, but that's the way it is. She has a close relationship with Reid, and before today she had an easy friendship with Morgan. She didn't know Seaver, and Rossi, well, Leighton thinks he'd get along with just about anyone if he was forced to.

"And you think a stranger wouldn't be in the same position?" he asks, even though he knows all his team members had been asking themselves the same question. Why Leighton?

"I—" Leighton hesitates. No, because that's the point she tried to make to Morgan earlier. Truth is, Emily's death had left a big gaping hole for them to grief around. A hole that wasn't normally there but they moved in synchrony with because that's what grieving is all about, coming to terms with the fact that a friend is now gone forever. Something was there before, Emily, now replaced by their collective grieving, and now Leighton is forcing her way in.

"You're what this team needs, Leighton," Hotch says. "Be patient." He knows deep down there's a deeper reasoning behind him choosing Leighton. Before what happened to Emily he wouldn't have thought it was a good idea, because Leighton and Reid were so close. It was different if they worked a case together every once in a while, but before Emily, and before forcing this secret on himself and JJ, he wouldn't have thought it professional for them to be on the same team together. But everything has changed.

Leighton is what this team needs because she knows this team, she's smart enough to know that Morgan and Reid only need time, and Seaver needs to get to know her. But most of all, Leighton is here to ease his own guilt. A stranger would need to gain everyone's trust, everyone's friendship. With Leighton here he's sparing his team the trouble of letting someone else in. They already know her.

Leighton is his guilt personified.

"Leighton, about you and Reid," Hotch says when Leighton turns. She stops in her tracks, and looks at him, frowning. Is he asking her what she thinks he's asking? And if he is, why is he asking her now and not before hiring her? But something tells her all the aspects of her relationships with Hotch's team members had been considered before he called her in. "I've noticed some tension."

"He's still mourning Emily," Leighton answers.

"I know. We all are," Hotch says. "I was referring to your relationship." He's saying it because he needs to get it out of the way, he needs to cover all his bases, just in case. But he doesn't think Leighton and Reid will ever pose any problems even if they become romantically involved again. "I can't order you, but as your superior I would like to know if anything—develops."

Leighton thinks it's the strangest request she's ever gotten. "Of course."

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to be continued

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