Something I Missed
AN: This is not the update you're hoping for. The update you're hoping for is never going to come.
This makes me happy. Not because I'm thankful to sever my ties of responsibility to an art project I put a lot of time into (I'm not). Not because I no longer have to worry about how I'm letting readers down (I obviously am doing that in a big way). It makes me happy because I can have the peace of mind that I will no longer perpetuate stereotypical story arcs that hurt women and men.
Given my current knowledge and beliefs, I can no longer continue a story about a woman who has been raped, repeatedly, and yet still loves her rapist. I cannot perpetuate this myth that rape is the worst thing that could happen to a woman. I cannot continue a story where this woman has little to no agency—beaten by men, saved by men, used by men. I cannot continue a story that both demonizes men and portrays them as knights in shining armor.
Gender representation has always mattered to me. I used to lament the lack of women I identified with in media. Now, we've come a long way, and I have come to love many new female characters (Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games, Korra and Asami from The Legend of Korra, to name a few) and have a new appreciation for the ones from my past. I have come to see how problematic it is that women are expected to identify with male characters, while it's frowned upon for men to identify with female ones, because it apparently makes men look weak. (I think it makes men look human.)
I want to be part of that positive change, not someone who perpetuates the stereotypes we see over and over again in many of our stories. And while all of my fanfics are pretty bad about this, Something I Missed in particular is horrendous. To me, it shows just how poisonous all these narratives are. They have poisoned me. Now I'm trying to detoxify. It is a constant battle, with a lot of stumbling and staggering off-course from the poison's effect.
There are plenty of other problems with our storytelling, regarding class, and race, and any number of things. I want to be better about those, too.
I don't forsake everything in this story. It helped my writing a lot. I think I captured many emotions well, which is always my primary goal in stories. But sometimes I take it too far. I often don't do it responsibly.
I'm not going to take this story down. Even if I deleted this story, it would still be a thing I wrote, a thing others read, an encapsulation of things I used to think. I want to leave it up so people can read this message, and so I can look at it and remember, "These are your darkest thoughts, these are your common storytelling mistakes, this is what you must not do." We can't erase the past, so I won't bother trying.
To be clear: I'm not condemning anyone who likes this story, or thinking less of you, or hating you if you've written similar things. That is also the type of person I aspire very much not to be. I used to hate people who like Twilight. Now I will staunchly defend people who like Twilight (though I don't like it myself (and yes, I read them all, and have seen the first three movies)) after reading more about it. This sentiment, said by Twilight screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg, especially got to me: "We've seen more than our fair share of bad action movies, bad movies geared toward men or 13-year old boys. And you know, the reviews are like okay that was crappy, but a fun ride. But no one says "Oh my god. If you go to see this movie you're a complete fucking idiot." And that's the tone, that is the tone with which people attack Twilight."
Oh my gosh, it's too freaking true.
Do I still consume and enjoy stories that are bad at portraying gender and racial and just general equality? Yes. My life would suck a lot if I didn't. But I do have some limits (I now refuse to read any books titled "The (Whatever)'s Wife" or "The (Whatever)'s Daughter" because a story about a woman should not define said woman by her relationship to a man) and I try to always note how they're problematic. While everyone else was heaping praise on The Lego Movie, I was busy saying how disappointing its gender dynamics were. I even got into a Twitter fight with Zack Stentz, the screenwriter of such movies as X-Men: First Class and Thor (surely the first movies you think of when you hear "gender equality" or "quality storytelling," right?), about it. (I've gotten into a fight with many a man about it. I will say, I think it's great that The Lego Movie shows a father/son bond, and that we need more of that. But that part is not the problem!)
But again, even though I will read or watch said stories, I don't want to be the one writing them. Will I ever write a perfect story? Hell no! But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. And I know I can do a million times better than this.
So, in short, I'm sorry, but I hope you can forgive me (for everything).
Sincerely,
-Spirit0