Sorry this took a long time, I've been busy with my studies and exams, and then my other fic took my attention for a while, and then the World Cup ruled my life, and now I can finally update because my life is completely uneventful. Before my new semester starts again in about a week.

This is not a happy chapter, and I hoped I got it right because Jesse's voice is just so darn hard to write.

Thanks for reading my story, and please review!

-Aina-

Jesse

The next few days were a blur. I threw myself into my work and when I get back home, I focused on researching YLN and their clients. I didn't find anything incriminating so far, but I continued because I promised to do so to Darren, and it was easier to think about other problems than my own.

For what it's worth, it made my loneliness a little less unbearable.

Dylan has repeatedly invited me to follow him whenever he went out, but I couldn't. I knew he wanted to make me forget about Susannah, but the idea of meeting other women was not appealing to me. As stupid as it sound, it made me feel like I was betraying her.

A fool, that's who I was. But I couldn't help it, could I?

I just didn't think it would all escalate into an even worse situation than the one I was in.

I was home one evening, just back after a particularly tiring double shift. Placingmy keys on the table in the hallway, I checked my messages. There were two, one from my mother and another from my sister Marta. Both were asking me to come to my parents' house this weekend for lunch. I paused, and then let the messages died out without replying them with a phonecall.

Since Susannah left me, I haven't been to my parents' house or even paid them a visit. It was just too painful for me.

After hearing those messages on an exhaustingday, all I wanted was to have some food, fall into my bed and sleep peacefully. But just as I was finishing my dinner, my pager beeped.

Emergency. Steven Stanley.

I must have driven past the speed limit in my haste to get to the hospital. But even if the police had asked me to stop, I couldn't slow down. Not when Steven was concerned.

Rushing down the hallway, I dodged a few patients and staffs, making my way to his room. I wasn't even wearing my uniform, but there was no time. I heard someone call my name, but I didn't have time. I didn't have time.

Neither did Steven.

When I shoved the room door open, I saw that a team of doctors and nurses were slowly putting away the equipments, a forlorn expression on their faces. One of the nurses, Lisa, pulled the sheet over Steven's face.

"What…what are you doing?" I gasped, still catching my breath from my run up here.

Everyone turned towards me, and one of my colleagues, Jamie, said slowly, "He had a heart attack. We tried to stabilize him, but it was too much for him. He didn't make it."

Still breathing hard, I shook my head and dropped down into one of the chairs at the end of the bed. No, no, no…

I couldn't believe it. How could he have an attack, just like that?

"But…his condition was stable. He was healthy, he just wasn't waking up…" I mumbled to myself, not caring if I sounded stupid. I felt stupid.

"Well, I think you know him best since he was your patient. That's why they paged you, and we were hoping to stabilize him while we wait for you to arrive. I'm sorry, Jesse," Jamie said quietly, his hand on my shoulder.

"You tried everything?" I asked, though I knew they had.

"Everything."

I'm glad Jamie didn't protest the fact I was basically questioning his work, but he was going along with my behavior. I needed to know that they had tried everything for Steven, because I wasn't there.

How could this happen? All this time I was at the hospital, 18 hours each day and nothing was happening to him. He just slept peacefully in his own world, oblivious to visitors and doctors and nurses.

And then I left, and he also left, without as much of a goodbye or a "I'll tell you who did this to me so you can inform the police and arrest the person responsible."

I shook my head again, sighing at the injustice of it all.

"I'll inform the coroner," Jamie said, as the other staffs filed out of the room.

"Thank you, Jamie." I managed a small smile, grateful for his help.

Then I was alone in the room, with the departed Steven Stanley.

I would be lying if I tell you that I wasn't expecting any ghostly visits during the next few minutes. In fact, I was almost gripping the chair as I sat, alert to any sounds or voices that might tell me that I was in fact, not alone.

It was deathly quiet in the room.

Some people might be afraid to be alone in a room with a corpse, but I was used to it. Life, death…that was what my life revolved around. Whether as a mediator, or as a doctor. Sometimes it all became unclear, the rules of saving the living and guiding the dead.

There was a knock, and I jumped, my heartbeat instantly racing. Then the door opened and the coroner's assistant, a young man named Nicholas walked in pushing a gurney, followed by another member of the Morgue Crew. That's what they called themselves, apparently a reference to some rock band.

"Dr. De Silva," Nicholas said, looking surprised. "They told me to take the body, is it-"

"Yes, go ahead," I said, standing up. "I was waiting for you."

Obviously I was lying, but I wasn't in the right mind to weigh my sins at that moment.

"Okay." Then Nicholas and the other man went to the bed and started to lift Steven, at which point I decided I have had enough and walked out.

Jamie was standing at the counter, writing something. When he saw me, he beckoned me over.

"I've informed Mr. Stanley's family, since I didn't think you'd want to do that."

"But I'm his doctor." I said, although he was right about me not wanting to do that.

It was one of the things I hated about being a doctor, informing a patient's family that I wasn't good enough to save their brother, or husband, or wife.

Then again doctors are not gods.

"Yes, but I was the one who was there when he passed away. I could describe what exactly happened to his family, and I did," Jamie said as closed some files and arranged them. "I think you need to go home and get some rest. Everyone knows how much work you've been putting in lately."

I frowned, suspicions growing in my mind. "Did Dylan put you up to this?"

Jamie laughed, and I admit it was a funny idea, since Jamie was 55 years old with four grown children and Dylan, the fun loving bachelor, wasn't the type of person usually in his circle of peers.

"Dylan's not the only one with eyes, you know," Jamie said, smiling. "Go home. I'll take care of anything that comes up."

I sighed, and nodded. "Thanks for everything. Call me, if you need –"

"Go," he said firmly, making sure that I had moved from my spot before he went on his way.

When I thought about it later, I couldn't remember walking to the lifts and across the lobby as I headed outside. In other words, I was worrying about Darren coming after me with a butcher knife, accusing me of not working hard enough to find out about YLN until Steven finally died.

But his accusations would be baseless now, because I had researched on them, and I found nothing.

A part of me hoped that Steven would become a ghost and solve this mystery, but a part of me filled with guilt for even thinking that way. Maybe his illness was due to a natural cause, just like I suspected.

Yet that heart attack…

No matter what I tell myself, I would still feel guilty. I felt like I was meant to protect Steven, find out what happened which led to him being in the hospital, and I didn't. Because I was too busy 'moping around', like Darren had said.

I had failed, and that wasn't something which could be easily forgotten, or forgiven.

I had walked out of the hospital before I realized that it was raining. I was too busy thinking about Steven that the rumble of the clouds and the splash of rainwater didn't register in my head. And to my luck, I had parked my car across the street, not bothering to enter the basement parking lot in my hurry.

The rain wasn't heavy, so I decided to take a chance and dash across the street to my car. I was almost successful, stepping quickly into the pavement when someone barreled into me.

Surprised, I steadied myself and caught the woman on her arm as she burst out a stream of apologies, saying something about her slippery new shoes.

I held her arm as she straightened herself, ready to tell her not to worry about it.

But they died on my lips when the woman looked up. I felt my heart slowed down to a halt as I stared into a pair of very familiar green eyes.

Susannah.

She looked surprised to see me, her eyes wide. And then she blinked them a few times, bothered by the smattering of the rain.

But slowly, she looked up at me again, her expression hesitant.

I had no idea what I looked like, but I imagined it wasn't appealing. I had rushed out of the house in a hurry, and I was still dazed from the news of Steven's death. But an undeniable torrent of emotions were running through me, all jumbled and confused that I could barely breathe, much less think.

All of these days of dreaming about her, of secretly longing for a glimpse, of trying to painfully forget she ever existed…and she was right here in front of me.

The rain was coming down hard now, pounding down my back. We were the only ones standing in the sidewalk while other people were frantically entering buildings and escaping the rain. But it was as if we had been frozen, trapped under the gaze of one another.

Her light sweater was soaked, her hair was wet, and rain was running down her beautiful face.

Yet she didn't make any moves to find shelter. She just stood there, her arm still held by my hand.

Dios, she was so beautiful. My heart ached as I took in everything about her…her eyes, her skin, her lips…querida…

I was drenched from the rain, but I felt heat rising from within, my body thrilling with expectation. It was as if my senses had deserted me, and all I could think of was to pull her in my arms and kiss her.

I reached up and traced a finger down the side of the face, and to my surprise and relief, she didn't pull away. Her green eyes continued to stare at me and her lips parted, as if she wanted to say something. But she didn't.

It was wrong of me, making a move on another man's woman.

But I tried to rationalize by thinking about how there was a time when I was that man. And for whatever reasons, lust or love, this feeling inside of me was uncontainable.

I leaned forward and captured her lips with mine.

I tasted rain and that intoxicating essence of Susannah. Her lips were so soft under mine, and I moved my mouth a little harder, hungry with my selfish needs. My hands had moved on their own accord, dragging up her arms and cupping her face, trying to get as much of her as I could, as if she could vanish in the next moment.

And then I felt her lips respond, and the pleasure that I felt before was unmatched with this new ecstasy.

It was as if she had come alive from the kiss, and I felt her hands ran on my chest, sliding around my neck as she pulled me closer, her lips moving fervently against mine. I gripped her waist, embracing her slender figure, feeling her heart pounding in tune with mine, feeling like I could burst from the unbelievable joy of finally having her in my arms.

The cold rain was still pouring down but I felt none of it. My skin was on fire, the heat inside me now scorching hot, yearning for more kisses and even more touches, wanting her silky skin bare against mine, exploring every curve and hearing her voice calling my name, knowing that it was me that she was thinking of.

This feeling, this bliss…a few seconds of her touch was enough to erase all the pain I had felt the past few weeks. It was like they never happened. How could they, when this passion was alive inside of her as it was inside of me?

Somewhere in my mind, I knew that we were in public. But I couldn't stop. I wanted her.

I needed her.

Maybe because I knew that these lips, this skin, this woman…was no longer mine. That was when the fantasy would end.

And just like that, it did.

She pulled away from me, her hands on my shoulders. I opened my eyes and looked at her, my heart beating so hard I was sure she could hear it. Her expression wasn't anything I could describe, because she looked beautiful and that was all I could concentrate on.

But when she stepped back and I really looked at her, it was easy to know what she was thinking.

She was sorry.

Sorry that we had parted? Sorry that she had kissed me?

I didn't know. I couldn't ask, or to be honest, I was afraid to.

But she didn't give me a chance to do anything. With a shake of her head, she turned and hurried away, down the street before disappearing around the corner.

The whole thing couldn't have lasted more than a minute.

For a moment I was sure I had been hallucinating, but when I looked into my hand and saw a bracelet made of a string of blue-green stones, I knew it had been real. In my insane act of fulfilling my desire for Susannah, I had accidentally pulled her bracelet, the one which her mother had given her for her birthday.

I groaned, feeling incredibly foolish and ashamed. How could I have acted that way? Lose my control like a child being given a piece of candy? Susannah deserved better than to be pawed senselessly by a crazy ex-boyfriend.

Cursing myself, I got into my car and drove away, the bracelet placed on the dashboard. I had to return it to her, of course. I just didn't know whether I was capable of controlling myself if I was to see her again.

I couldn't go back home, because the rooms just reminded me of the good times we've had there.

I drove around in circles, angry and embarrassed at my behavior. I couldn't even blame Steven's death for how I acted, because I had imagined that encounter in my dreams for a long time before this. Never did I think it would happen.

But her eyes, the way she looked at me before the kiss…there was something in them that made me wonder if she didn't feel the same way about me.

And she did return my kiss. Or maybe she was just being polite.

I cursed again, turning into an unfamiliar street. There was a commotion up front, and when I drove by I saw that it was a club.

'Club V', it announced in bright gold lettering, shining from the lights from within. How fitting. As if fate has conspired to produce supposed coincidences in my life, waiting for me to fall into their plan.

I had no excuses for what I did next, save from temporary insanity. I've had that moment before, so why not now?

Parking the car a few spaces away, I got out and walked to the entrance. It was still drizzling, but there was a long queue of people waiting to enter the club. I ignored them and walked straight to the door.

'Hey buddy, get in the line,' the man standing outside the door said in a harsh tone, stopping me in my tracks.

I didn't know what came over me, but it was as if I knew what I was doing when the truth was, I did not. I had never been to a club before. But I needed to get away from it all, and Maria Valera's words just came back to my head.

I pulled out the blue gold card she gave me and showed it to the man. He glanced at it and instantly looked apologetic.

"Sorry man, sure, come in," he said nicely, and moved aside. Without a word, I walked in, ignoring the jeers of the people who were waiting in line.

The second I entered, I was assaulted by loud music, bright colorful lights and what appeared to be hundreds of people gyrating around the dance floor. Disoriented, I almost turned around and left when I felt someone pulling on my sleeve. I looked up and saw Maria.

"Doctor Jesse! You're here!" She yelled to make herself heard, and threw me a hug. I stood there unmoving, as she pulled away quickly, making a face. "You're drenched. But that's alright, you can get warmed up in the VIP room."

I saw that she was wearing what seemed to be a sparkly silver dress, and her high heels gave no indication of her recent injury.

What the hell was I doing here?

"I knew you'd come," she grinned, either purposefully ignoring or merely unconcerned about my lack of reaction to seeing her. She just smiled, her red lips reminding me of blood. I suddenly felt sick, but she was pulling me along a walkway of some sort, away from the dance floor and towards where the bars were.

I was about to ask her to stop pulling me, when an older man in a dark brown suit walked by and said gruffly, "Who is this, Maria?"

"Oh, this is Jesse, a new friend of mine. He's a doctor," she said, sounding awed, and I wondered if she dated Dylan just because he was a doctor and nothing more. "Jesse, this is my boyfriend, Felix."

I wondered if he was a doctor too, but I doubted it.

"Nice to meet you," Felix said, nodding at me and not at all sounding as if he meant what he said. "You here to have fun, yes?"

I didn't know what to say, but Maria cut in, "Of course he is. I was going to bring him to the VIP room."

Felix grinned. "Yes, you will have fun there. Many girls for your entertainment." He winked, and then walked away.

I stood there in shock, understanding his meanings perfectly.

I might be moping over Susannah, but I wasn't going to be with other girls.

Maria started to pull me again, but I held my ground. When she turned with a confused look on her face, I told her, "I think I'll just stay here."

'Here? At the bar?' She sounded incredulous at the thought of someone preferring the open bar instead of her private room.

"Yes, here.'

"Well…if you say so,' she said hesitantly, then when she saw that I was certain in my decision, she shrugged and turned to look for someone, presumably Felix. When she saw that he was standing quite close to a young blonde woman, she yelled, 'Felix!' and rushed over to him, or tried to, in her ridiculous shoes.

I felt completely out of place, but nevertheless, I made my way to the bar and sat on the stool. The bartender asked me if I wanted anything, but I shook my head.

The music beats pulsated in my ears, in tune with my pounding heart. It was loud and brash, and I felt lost in the sea of people.

I didn't even know where the exit was from where I was sitting. Everywhere I looked, the shadows of people were moving and changing, like a strange theatre of motion.

My intention was to forget about what happened today, but it didn't seem to work. The longer I stayed, the more isolated I felt. My body was lost amongst the people, but my mind was still there.

I wanted to forget, dammit. I wanted to lose all thoughts and forget my wretched existence.

'"Thirsty?"

Maria sidled up next to me, drinks in hands, smiling. I declined, and she placed the glass on the bar.

"If you change your mind," she said, then walked away.

I watched her go, wondering why she was being nice to me. It was as if she just wanted me to be there, and then she left me to my own devices.

Shaking my head, I was about to continue my thoughts when I saw a couple standing near the bar, kissing. They were young, probably still teenagers. The girl had long brown hair.

Immediately my chest started to feel painful and I clenched my fists, imagining Susannah kissing that Oliver.

Where was she right now, if not with him?

I had no damn right to be jealous. But it didn't stop me from being jealous still.

Turning my back on the couple, I faced the bar, bumping the drink that Maria had placed. I stared at the liquor as it sloshed wildly in the glass, feeling overwhelmingly angry and bitter.

Why couldn't I just forget her? She was no longer mine.

Because you're weak. Which was the exact reason why she left you.

I was going to regret this, I knew it.

But I was beyond caring.

Grabbing the glass, I downed the first drink into blissful oblivion.