He wakes oddly refreshed. He feels strong. He feels his new purpose fill him up. He's not going to be afraid of himself anymore. He's not going to fight himself anymore.

He's about to check on Rey when he pauses.

He has to stop spying on her. He can't keep lurking in her mind the way he has been. It was never right, and now he can't hide from that any longer. He has to stop. And doesn't that hurt just like cutting off a limb? The thought of not being able to bask in her light, float in her thoughts, listen to her days… it makes him cold and lonely just thinking of it. What will he do without his precious girl? He won't block the Bond, he decides, but he won't go looking either. Whatever filters through will filter through. That way he'll feel if she's in trouble. He has to make sure she's safe, if nothing else.

He knows he has to be honorable about the Bond from now on. He needs to be able to tell her he stopped of his own accord. But, oh, it will be so very hard to be away from his light. He feels that she's happy today and he tries to be satisfied with that.

He's orbiting Jakku and needs to decide where to go next. He considers continuing to follow the known trail of Rey. Going to Takodana, talking with Maz. Facing Maz after all this time would be a special sort of hell, he thinks. She is probably not very happy with him, but that's alright – he isn't either.

For the first time in his life he finds that he has no one to tell him what to do. It's terrifying. He realizes how he's gone from one Master to another, always beholden, always obeying. He doesn't want that any longer, he knows that most certainly. Can he follow Grandfather's advice? Can he go home, just like that? If he does, he'll need to contact his mother, hope that she'll meet him somewhere other than the base on D'Qar. This will all be a very short mission if he ends up executed for crimes against the galaxy. He flinches as he realizes it would be perfectly just. He will atone, he will make amends. He'll give them everything he's ever known about the First Order, he'll help them bring down Snoke. He'll do anything and everything they ask. He just needs a chance to be with Rey. Just a chance.

He realizes he's already made the decision to contact his mother; that there was never really a choice to make. The further he is from Snoke's influence, the clearer his head. It's as if a great black blanket has been lifted from around his shoulders. It was suffocating and heavy and cloaked everything in its cloying scent.

He goes to the middle of the floor in the main cabin of the shuttle, and then sits down to prepare to meditate and attempt to contact his mother. He hasn't done this in a very long time. She might refuse to speak with him entirely. He remembers the conversation she had with Rey, however, and he's cautiously hopeful.

As he sits, he takes in deep, full breaths and lets his mind expand, opening up to the galaxy, sensing the life pulsing throughout the solar systems. He concentrates on his mother's Force signature, remembering how it always felt like her embraces did, warm and firm and oh so constant. He reaches and reaches and reaches, stretching out, opening himself fully.

Mother.

…

Mother, it's Ben. I need to talk with you.

...

Mother, I mean you no harm. I just wish to speak with you.

….

Mother, please.

…

…

Ben.

Mother. He nearly loses the connection in his relief. Mother, I'm so sorry.

Ben, I … I don't know what to say, I never thought I would ever speak to you again. Especially after what happened … on Starkiller.

I know. I know there is nothing I can say to take it back, but please believe me that I would give anything to be able to do so. I wish so desperately that I'd never even heard the name Snoke. But I can't keep this up for much longer. Will you meet with me? He's desperate, this must work.

I don't know how I can possibly trust you.

I know, I understand but there are things I need to say, I want to come home and I need your help.

Home? You want to come home. Truly?

Yes Mother, truly. Will you meet me?

… We'll meet on Cathne, in the main city. Tell me where you are, I'll send you coordinates.

I'm orbiting Jakku, my call code is Zed 4982739. It will take me two days to get there.

Fine, fine.

I must go, I'm getting very tired. I ... I love you Mother.

...

His eyes open sluggishly, completely exhausted. He's very out of practice with his Light Side skills. He wonders if he can even heal anyone anymore.

The coordinates are already waiting for him. He enters them into the computer and he's in hyper-space again, going to see his mother for the first time in 18 years. He's terrified.

He drags himself to his bed and falls into a deep slumber.

~BR~

He wakes 14 hours later and it's the middle of the night. He's very disoriented and hungry. He makes his way to the small galley and finds some rations. He doesn't bother to heat them, just starts eating the tasteless sustenance. He leans against the counter and contemplates how things have changed so quickly.

Though, if he's honest with himself, reality has only shifted to match what was already inside him. He'd been changing this whole time, just hiding it from himself, as well as Snoke. Rey is reorganizing him on a cellular level. From the moment he first felt her, felt that delectable light fill him up, he was lost. He sees it now, looking back, how inevitable this path truly was. Maybe from the moment he held her on Takodana. At the time he'd convinced himself he was doing his duty, getting the map. But now he can admit to himself that he just wanted her. He didn't give a damn about the map as soon as he saw her. So perhaps this all started from the moment he heard about 'the girl.' It didn't really matter when, only that it all seems inevitable now. He'd been powerless to stop it and now he knows he will never want to.

If only he'd understood himself better then. He could have taken her and run. Rescued her from Starkiller, treated her gently and kindly. She would have accepted him as her teacher, and his father would still be alive … He knows this sort of thinking is fruitless, but it's a beautiful fantasy. He finishes his meal and stands by the large window, watching the blue of hyper-space drift by.

He imagines how she might feel about him if he had rescued Rey, instead of the Traitor coming back for her. She wouldn't have any reason to care for FN-2187; he wouldn't be so special to her. He feels a twinge of accusation at that – or guilt, he supposes. He shouldn't deny her her friendships. He has no wish to own her. He wants her to want him with the same intensity. He wants her to love him the way he loves her. But he's getting ahead of himself. First, he needs to convince his mother to help him meet with Luke. Luke can tell him where Rey was found on Coruscant. He won't come to Rey with nothing.

He spends the rest of the night and the next day reading and thinking about Rey. He misses her with an intensity that's nearly crippling but he's determined to respect her privacy from now on. He still gets glances and impressions but he stays in his own head. He sometimes feels hesitant touches through the Bond and he wonders if her subconscious is so used to his that she's reaching out. He savors these little touches; they're like gentle caresses on his soul. He wants to kiss her so badly. Wants to enter her dreams and seduce her. Wants to reroute the shuttle and go to D'Qar, self-preservation be damned if he can just hold her in his arms. Being without her is driving him insane.

Tomorrow he will see his mother. He's very nervous about what he'll say, what she'll say. What he'll do. He's afraid he's just going to burst into tears and blubber all over her like a 5-year-old. Now that he's stopped lying to himself he knows he's missed her terribly. He may still be angry at some of her choices when he was a child, but perspective is returning and he does know one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt: his mother once loved him fiercely and only time will tell if he's broken that irreparably.

~BR~

She's waiting for him in a private room in a quiet restaurant in the shopping district. Her hair is faded, her face more lined, but it is his mother and his eyes fill with tears instantly. Before he even knows what he's doing, he's on his knees in front of her, holding her tightly around the waist, burying his face in the folds of her dress, crying, begging, and keening. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Mommy I'm so sorry," he says over and over again into the fabric. He feels her arms come around him and he barely hears her through his tears and desperate apologies.

"Ben, Ben, oh Ben, I know. I know. Shhhh, it's alright, shhhh." She strokes his head and he finally quiets. She lifts his face so she can look at him. "My handsome boy. You've grown into yourself, I see." She wipes the tears from his face with the long practiced hand of a mother. It feels so good to be touched with care and love. It's been such a long time since he's been touched with gentleness; pain his only companion since he was a young man.

He remembers himself and staggers to his feet. Her hands drop to her sides but there's a tension, as if she doesn't want to stop holding him.

"No, not hardly. I don't think I've grown at all," he says miserably. He feels foolish, having done exactly what he promised himself he wouldn't. He will always, always find his way back to that weak and grasping boy Ben Solo, he thinks wretchedly.

The silence stretches, and he doesn't know what to say, but he knows it's up to him to say something. "I've left Snoke, the First Order, all of it. They don't know yet. I think I have a few weeks, maybe a month, before they come looking. I'm supposed to be on a mission." The words rush out in a hurried mess.

"I see. And why are you telling me this?" His mother is now the General and he finds that's almost easier.

"I need your help," he says baldly.

"Why would the Resistance help you?" He notices she doesn't say she won't help him.

"I'll tell you everything I know. Base locations, access codes. I'll help you find Snoke. I have no loyalty to them any longer." He says the last bitterly.

"Why should I believe you? You killed your father to seal your loyalty to Snoke." Her eyes have lost their warmth.

"I – I know. I – you have to believe me; I would do anything, give anything to take it back. I thought … I thought it would make things better. I thought it would stop the Force ripping me apart." He knows there's nothing he can say to explain, to make it better. Oh, Maker, why is he here?

"And did it?" Her words are ice.

"No. It made it worse. I knew it was the worst thing I had ever done, ever could do, as soon as the light left his eyes," he chokes out.

"Yes. It was." He will get no quarter from her. "Why are you here?"

"I want to come home."

"There's something you're not telling me. It's been almost a year since you killed my husband. Why now?"

"I do need something, before I can come home." He looks away. How to explain without telling her everything? "I need to speak with Luke and I know he won't talk to me unless you ask him to."

"Why do you need to talk to Luke?" She says with suspicion.

He runs his hand through his hair and huffs with frustration. "I need you to promise you won't reveal what I'm about to tell you."

"I can't promise that. If it affects the safety of my people, of the Resist-"

"No, it doesn't. It's … personal." He can't believe he's going to talk to her about this.

"Alright, I promise, but if I need to reveal it for security reasons, I will in a heartbeat." Her tone is like iron.

"It won't affect that, I promise." He sighs and looks down. He feels like he's telling her about his first girlfriend. He supposes, in a way, he is. "Back on Starkiller … with Rey …" He can't figure out how to word it.

"Rey? What does Rey have to do with this?" Leia is concerned now.

"We … I don't know how, I didn't do it on purpose, but we formed a Force Bond."

"You what? Oh Ben, that was incredibly foolish and selfish of you."

"I told you, I didn't do it on purpose!" He sounds petulant. "I don't think I did it at all; I think it was just because I used the Force on her, to read her mind, and she pushed back." He looks ashamed.

"Why didn't Rey tell me?" Leia says, almost to herself.

"She doesn't know."

"What? How could she possibly not know?" His mother sounds angry now.

"I hid it from her; she never knew I was there. She still doesn't." His voice is very small.

"So you've been what, spying on us this whole time, using Rey?" Oh the General is fierce now.

"No, Mother, no it's noth-"

"Of all the underhanded, dirty tricks, I can't believe you would do this. She's been having dreams, you know. What have you been doing to her?" Leia is very protective of Rey. "I thought she wanted to forgive you, but you've just been manipulat-"

"No! No, I haven't, I swear I haven't, not that. I … I love her." He needs her to understand; to believe him.

Leia goes completely silent. Ben looks at her, waiting for her to tell him he's not good enough, that the best thing he can do is run to the Outer Rim and never come back, that he's disgusting for even thinking of Rey in that way. But Leia just looks at him. And looks at him.

Finally she says, "You love her." Her tone is flat and vaguely incredulous.

"At first it was just her light, it was so beautiful. She's so clean. I was afraid to lose it … lose her. I thought, if she knew, she'd block it."

"As well she should have. You've been lurking in her mind, what does that even do to a person?"

"I don't know! I didn't think about it. I just … I just needed her." His hands flail helplessly. He's frustrated as he realizes he took a terrible risk with her mind.

"You never did think about the consequences of your actions," Leia mutters.

"Is she alright?" He asks beseechingly.

"Don't you know, living in her head?" Leia says with a spark of her old fire.

"No. I … I don't look anymore. I can tell if she's in danger, or something significant, but I've stopped looking."

"I see. Perhaps you're learning something after all." Leia moves to sit and gestures for Ben to join her. He folds his frame awkwardly into the too-small chair. "She was fine when I left," she says.

"I mean, do you think … do you think the Bond has hurt her in any way?" His eyes are full of fear.

"I don't know. I don't think so. She's seemed like herself for the most part. Except for her dreams," Leia says with reproach.

"I only went into her dreams the one time."

"When you saved her."

"Yes."

"Well I did say I thought that was in your character …" Leia laughs slightly.

"You did. Thank you, Mother. Thank you for still believing in me."

"Ben … this is a great deal to take in. You want to come home, you've been camping in Rey's mind for months, you've fallen in love with her and now you're ready to turn your back on the First Order just like that … it's almost too much to believe. And to top it all off, you want me to convince Luke to talk with you ..." She sighs. "Why do you want to speak with him, anyway?"

"I want to find Rey's family. He's the one who left her on Jakku."

"Luke wouldn't do that, he would never abandon her like that."

"Well I saw him in the head of Unkar Plutt, the miserable excuse of a man he left her with."

"Why … why wouldn't he say anything? Why would he do that?" Leia looks confused and a little hurt.

"I don't know, but you can be sure I'll be asking him. I know he collected her from Coruscant, and that she was an orphan, but I have to find out more. She needs this, Mother. I need this, to do something for her, to show her that I'm serious." He looks at her, pleading with his eyes.

"You really do love her, don't you?" She says in wonder.

"Yes, utterly. I would do anything for her," Ben says with conviction.

"And I suppose you already know where the base is?" Leia always did think on her feet.

"Yes, I know almost everything Rey knows. I never told them anything, I promise," he says emphatically.

"And you'll tell her about this Bond, soon?" She looks at him with the eyes of his mother, like she'll know if he lies.

"Yes, I will, as soon as I have something to offer her; some way of atoning." He has to try to prove himself to her, show his sincerity.

"And you'll stay out of her head?"

"Yes, I promise."

"I'll speak with Luke. I'll send you a message if he's willing to meet. Meanwhile … may I speak with the Resistance leaders about some sort of deal? I can't bring you onto the base without something in place. You're serious about this, about defecting?" She has hope in her tone. It's clear she desperately wants him home.

"Yes, absolutely. I was wrong – about everything. I know I can never change the horrible things I've done, but maybe I can help bring down the First Order … put things right." His voice is strong.

Leia looks away. He can see she's preparing to say something difficult. "I don't know how to look at you. You're my son. You will always be my son. But what you've done … your father, oh Ben, your father." He feels the pain, now so familiar in his chest. The howling ache that's never far away.

"I know, I know Mother. I'll understand if you never forgive me."

"It's not forgiveness that's the problem. If you ever have children you'll understand. I forgave you immediately. You're my son. It's learning to live with you again. Learning to see his smile on your face and not have it rip me apart. I'm not sure you know what it's like to love someone the way that I love him." She's so small now, her power dimmed.

"I don't know how either. But I hope you'll try. I've … I've missed you so much." He's fighting tears again. Force, has he ever cried so much in his life? He's cried more in the last week than he has since he became a man. "I do think I understand about loving someone like that. She changed everything, everything," he says it like it's a sacrament.

"Perhaps you do. Only time will tell." She sighs and stands up. "I have things I must see to."

He stands and holds his arms out to her hesitantly. She steps into his embrace and she seems so tiny next to him. He bends his head down over hers and whispers, "I love you Mama."

"Oh Ben. I love you, too. That's something that will never change."

~BR~

Thank you to Meaghan M/Juulna for her fantastic beta skills!

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