Sorry this chapter took so long. I know I promised to not slack off as often, but these last few months have been super hectic. I'm hoping to start attending school in Edmonton this fall, and during my last trip to Winnipeg, I learned that my grandparents are moving into a retirement home, so I had extend my stay to help out as much as I could. This resulted in this chapter just sitting there, only about 30% finished. Now that things are finally settling down, I got a chance to work on it again.
Oz's Bachelor Pad, Sector 4
Metro City, Canada
August 17th, 2018
1:10 PM
"Heath "Oz" Ostreicher"
My favourite guilty pleasure TV show, "Desires" was on. If anyone were to ever find out that I watch it, they would never let me live it down.
Suddenly there was a knock at my door. I hurriedly tried to change the channel, but the remote slipped from my hands. I fumbled with it desperately just as the door opened. It must be someone I know who has a key.
"If he's not answering the door, he's probably sleeping," said Rachel as she entered, "Do you want to wake him up this time or should I do it?"
"Wait a minute, he's right here in the living room," said Riley, "Dude? Why didn't you answer? We told you we'd be coming by to pick you up today, we have to start setting up for Silver's surprise party."
"I was... umm... Watching TV." I said, innocently.
I was caught in the act. Desires was being showcased to the entire room. I wasn't able to change the channel in time.
"Oh my god! Is that Desires!?" squealed Rachel, jumping over the back of the couch to sit next to me.
"Is this the one where Richard and Grace's plane crashes on a deserted island while on their way to their honeymoon, and then they meet Ricardo, Richard's long lost half-brother on the island and then he tricks them into finding the cursed Emerald?" she asked, all in one long sentence.
"No, I don't think I've gotten that far yet," I said, "Richard and Grace aren't married yet. Wait, I thought Richard's only sibling was Reagan, and she died in that horrible Zamboni accident?"
"Well, yeah, but that's why Ricardo is only his half-brother," she said, "They have different mothers."
"Excuse me, but um, is this really the best time for this?" asked Riley.
"No... I guess not," I said, hitting the record button before turning off the TV.
"You're lucky you can still record stuff like that," said Rachel, "Ours broke and no matter how many times I call the guy, he never fixes it. I even had to dig out an old VCR to tape new episodes."
"Rachel, the cable box isn't broken, you just don't know how record properly," said Riley, "Now can we please get going?"
"I can't believe that Silver is turning 40," I said, "He's been such a huge part of our lives since we met him that it's weird to see him as a person that gets older. Pretty soon he'll start saying stuff like 'When I was your age' just like my grandpa."
"Jenna insisted that we make it a surprise party, since Silver will probably just want to brush it under the rug like all his other birthdays," said Rachel, "But 40 is an important age, even if you don't want to celebrate it."
"Maybe I'll hire a stripper." I thought out loud.
"Oz, it's a birthday party, not a bachelor party." said Rachel.
"I'm sorry, I'm not following you." I said.
"It's like talking to a brick wall," she sighed, "Bottom line. No strippers!"
"What about go-go dancers?" I asked.
"Isn't that the same thing?" asked Rachel.
"Not quite, go-go dancers don't take their clothes off." I said.
"Come on, talk on the way to the party store." said Riley, beckoning us to the door.
My bachelor pad was in the westernmost block of Sector 4. The street past the parking lot was already part of Sector 5. There's no division or even signs indicating where one sector ends and another starts. If you grew up in Metro City like most of us did, you learn stuff like that pretty fast.
The party store was located in a strip mall in the easternmost part of Sector 5, so we could literally just walk there. No need to teleport and save time. This isn't the only one in the city, but it is the closest one.
"So how are you going to break the news to Chloe that she can't come to Silver's party?" I asked, once we were in the party store's parking lot.
"What are you talking about?" asked Rachel.
"Well you said no strippers," I said, "And we all know what Chloe's day job is."
"That's not what I meant and you know it." groaned Rachel, shoving me playfully.
"It's not fair if only you get to break rules." I chuckled.
"Alright, how about this then?" asked Rachel, "Chloe is allowed to come to the party, but Amber, her stripper alter ego is not allowed. Along with any other strippers!"
"Fine," I said, "But I still think that sounds like an exception. You'll be hearing from my attorney... Just as soon as I get an attorney."
We had reached the door now. Riley pulled it open and held it for Rachel and I.
"Oz why don't you go ask someone about renting a truck to transport all the decorations to Silver's?" called Riley, "Rachel and I will start gathering up what we need."
"Sure thing." I said.
I proceeded to scour the various aisles looking for a staff member. I finally saw a girl that looked like she was wearing the red a pink apron. I wasn't sure though, since she was facing the wrong way.
She was up on a ladder, restacking the shelves. I couldn't help but notice that she had a great ass. I took a minute to admire the view and think of my approach. I walked over to her and made my footsteps as loud as I could so that she would hear me. She turned around to look at me with a curious smile.
"Is your name Google? Because you have everything I'm looking for." I said.
"Seriously? A pick up line?" she asked, looking me up and down, "You don't need those."
"Really?" I asked, smiling, "Why not?"
"Well you've got washboard abs, for one thing," she said, "My name's Penny, by the way."
"And I'm Heath, but people who don't want to get punched call me Oz instead." I said, holding my hand out for her to shake.
"You wouldn't punch me, would you?" asked Penny.
"Not at first," I teased, "It's only once you've known me for a while that I expect you to remember."
"What makes you think I'm interested in getting to know you?" asked Penny, hopping down off the ladder.
I lifted up the corner of my shirt.
"My washboard abs?" I asked with a coy smile, "My winning personality?"
"Okay, you've got me there," she said, "Do you think I could maybe touch them?"
"Not here, but how about I take you out for dinner tonight?" I asked, "If all goes well, then you can touch them later."
"I'd like that." said Penny.
"So if I'm picking you up, where are you staying?" I asked.
"Actually I'm new in town," said Penny, "I'm staying at the Burnham Hotel in Sector 0."
"That's a pretty fancy place," I said, "How do you afford the rent by working here?"
"It's a long boring tale," she said, "I'll save it for dinner tonight."
"Looking forward to it," I said, "Now, onto new business, my friends are I were hoping to rent a truck to transport the decorations to the party."
"Alright, follow me to the desk and I'll give you a rental form."
I restrained myself from commenting about how I'll enjoy the view as she walks away. It was unnecessary. Unless she was planning on blowing me off, I already had her on the line and tonight I would reel her in.
"Hey Oz." said Yuna.
I whipped around. Where did she come from? Did she teleport here while I wasn't looking?
"Yuna? Where did you?" I began.
"Here Oz," said Penny, coming over from the desk, "Here's your rental form... Um, who's this?"
"I'm Yuna, we're just friends." said Yuna.
Yuna had her hand on my shoulder. She meant nothing by it, but it probably didn't look very good to Penny. I absentmindedly brushed her hand off and grinned innocently.
"I've never even met here before." I said loudly.
"Oz, what are you talking about?" asked Yuna, "We see each other all the time, we work together."
"She knows to call you Oz." said Penny, putting her hands on her hips.
"Relax, Penny, I don't have a girlfriend," I said, calmly, "Yuna is a friend from work, that's all. I'll pick you up at 6:00 tonight?"
"Yeah, okay." said Penny, eyeing Yuna suspiciously.
Penny turned and went back to work.
"What was that all about?" asked Yuna, "Did I do something wrong?"
"Not intentionally no," I said, "I guess from her end it looked like you were all over me. How'd you get here?"
"I teleported," she said, "Wanted to see if you guys needed any help."
"Well, I don't, but maybe Rachel and Riley do." I said, pointing towards their location in the store.
"Be careful around that girl, Oz," said Yuna, "Something seems off about her."
"You mean the fact that she's smoking hot?"
"Yeah, I suppose she is, but there's something else." said Yuna.
"Like what?" I asked.
"I'm not sure," said Yuna, "Just be careful, okay?"
"Alright... Thanks for the warning I guess."
That evening, I pulled up in front of the Burnham and a valet came over to the window of my truck.
"Shall I park it for you, sir?" he asked.
"No thanks, I'm just picking someone up." I said.
I saw Penny push the front door of the lobby open and step out. She was wearing a pink sweater dress with a scoop neckline that showed some cleavage, and nice shoes. Her makeup was also different now, more sophisticated and less casual. She looked gorgeous.
"Hey!" she said, waving to me as she walked over.
I pushed the door open and she hoisted herself up into the seat. My truck was a little on the big side, but that's the way I like it. For someone like me, it isn't that big, but for a petite thing like her, it's huge.
"So where are we going?" asked Penny, fastening her seat belt.
"Sapori Unici," I said, "It's an Italian restaurant in Sector 12. My friends Riley and Rachel went there a few years ago and said the food was great. I've been meaning to go myself, but going to dinner alone is kind of awkward."
"Sounds good," said Penny, "Did you make us a reservation?"
"Reservation schmeservation," I said, "Relax babe, I have my own techniques for getting us in there."
Or at least that's what I told her. In reality, I completely forgot to call ahead. I was so preoccupied with decorating for Silver's party that it completely slipped my mind. My only hope was that the maître d would be chill and let me slip him a $50 or something in exchange for a nice table.
"Interesting." said Penny.
I was still concentrating on the road, but out of the corner of my eye, I could've sworn I saw Penny turn away towards the passenger window to adjust her bra from outside the dress. Probably to make her cleavage more noticeable than it already was. It seems like she's really into me.
When we arrived at the restaurant, I walked around to Penny's door and opened it for her, partly to be polite and also because I noticed how she had a bit of trouble climbing up and in to her seat when I picked her up.
We headed inside and a bead of sweat formed on my forehead. The place was PACKED! It was so busy that you couldn't even tell how many people were clamoring to get the maître d's attention.
"Don't panic," I said to Penny out of the corner of my mouth, "I promised you that I'd get us in here and I will."
"If it's too busy I don't mind going somewhere else." she said.
"Yeah, but most of the other places will probably like this too." I said.
I joined the mob and started fighting my way through it using my elbows. A couple of people tried to hit back, but I would overpower them and shove them away. Eventually I reached the table.
"Excuse me sir, my date and I would like a table." I said, with a smile.
"Yeah, you and everybody else," he said, "You'll just have to wait your turn. But between you and me, I would probably just go to a different restaurant."
"Are you sure that we can't come to some sort of understanding?" I asked, pulling a $20 out of my pocket and casually sliding it closer to him on the counter.
He gave me an unimpressed look.
"Sorry, my bad..." I said, "I meant to grab one of these."
I threw down a $50 on top of the $20.
"Sir, keep your money," said the maître d, "Even if I did accept bribes, there's still no tables available."
"Alright, I understand," I sighed, "Thanks anyway."
Penny had made her way through the crowd. Not sure how she pulled that off. Unless it was because nobody wanted to push or punch a pretty girl.
"No luck?" she asked.
"Nope. He says there isn't even any tables."
Penny walked up to the maître d and stared at him momentarily. Then she batted her eyelashes.
"You know what?" he asked, "I think the couple at Table 10 has been here too long. I'll have them leave and give you two that table."
"Why? Aren't we last in line?" I asked.
"Technically yes," he said, "But you two are the only ones that are behaving civilly."
"If you say so," I said, "Thanks a lot."
"No problem," he said, winking at Penny, "But let's just keep this between us."
"Absolutely." I said.
After we were sitting down at the table, I looked curiously at Penny.
"What was that?" I asked.
"What was what?"
"Back there," I said, "It looked like you worked some sort of mojo on the maître d."
"What can I say?" asked Penny, "I guess some men are just powerless to the charms of a beautiful woman."
"Yeah," I said, "I suppose it doesn't really matter."
"Oz," said Penny, "Can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"I really want to have sex with you tonight," she said, "I hope you don't think that makes me a slut. I don't normally do that, but I really like you."
"I get it," I said, "It doesn't seem fair how if a guy sleeps with a girl he just met, he's a conqueror, but if a girl does the same thing, she's a whore."
"So do you want to just blow this place and get a room?" I said, after a pause.
"No," she said, "I'm hungry. Besides, that maître d risked his job to get us in here. Let's enjoy a nice meal first."
"Whatever you want babe." I said.
After dinner, Penny and I tried to decide where we to return. My place or hers. In the end, we settled on her place. I don't really remember what happened after that. It's the strangest thing. The next thing I remember is waking up in a nice bed with Penny's arms wrapped tightly around my chest. I lifted up the covers a bit and smirked when I noticed we were both completely naked.
That's when I noticed it… On both arms that were holding me tight, her skin seemed to have rubbed away, almost as if what I thought was skin was really makeup that was disguising what her body really looked like.
Curiously, I licked the tip of my finger and rubbed a different spot on her arm. To my horror, it came off too!
I heard a growling sound as Penny's eyes opened. Instead of what I remember seeing yesterday, now they looked menacing and snake like.
"Good morning, Oz." said Penny.
"Are you feeling okay?" I asked.
"Happy and satisfied," said Penny, tracing little hearts on my chest with her finger, "Was it good for you too?"
"Don't take this the wrong way," I said, "But I don't remember."
"That's my bad," said Penny, "I'm still learning you see."
I broke free from her embrace and stood up.
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"I work for the Crusaders," she said, "To be more specific, I'm a disciple of Lust."
"The Sin Lieutenant?"
Penny beckoned with her finger and I was pulled forward back onto the bed.
"It's no use fighting, Oz, you're my thrall now," whispered Penny in my ear, "Lady Lust can control thousands of men with just a stare, but me, I'm still learning and my powers haven't fully developed, so I have to sleep with men in order to make them my obedient slaves."
"Why are you telling me all of this?" I asked.
"Because it doesn't matter," she said, "You won't be able to do anything about it."
"Wanna bet?" I snarled, cracking my knuckles, "Little do you know, I'm the Yellow Power Ranger!"
"Actually, I do know that," said Penny, "Why do you think I suggested we come back here instead of your place? You're alone and cut off from your friends."
I rolled on top of Penny and made a fist. I had it raised high above her head and brought it down with as much power as I could muster.
"You don't want to punch me." she said simply.
Miraculously, I stopped inches away from her face and opened my fist. It was like she had attached invisible strings to all my limbs that she can control with her mind.
"Now let's seal the deal with a kiss."
"Screw you!" I snapped.
"You already did. That's what got you into this situation in the first place," said Penny, "And here I thought it was only the males on my home world that think with their sex organs."
"Fine. Now that I'm your thrall, what are you going to do to me?" I asked.
"You and I are going to rob a bank." she said.
"Really? Don't you think that's a little petty for the Crusaders?"
"You seemed smarter last night," said Penny, "How is it going to look if one of the Power Rangers is seen working with a demon from the Crusader army? Tensions are already high because of our hovercraft looming overhead. Add a little betrayal in the mix and the town could riot and kill the Power Rangers for us."
"You'll never get away with it!" I snapped.
"You're done talking now." said Penny.
Despite my best efforts, I couldn't muster up any more words. She really did have control over my actions.
"Now get dressed," said Penny, "We've got a bank to rob."
Later that morning, Penny forced me to kick open the door of the Sector 0 bank. Every Sector has at least one bank, but the main one was downtown in Sector 0. Most of the money that all of the other banks had came from this one, so it made sense why this was the one we were targeting.
"ALRIGHT! EVERYONE GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR, THIS IS A BANK ROBBERRY!" I shouted, again, not by choice.
"Oz, be a doll and stop the manager before he can call the cops." said Penny.
It seemed like Penny's knowledge of bank robbers was based on a few movies. She decided to dress us in black outfits with balaclavas over our heads.
I kept trying to turn on Penny and point the gun she provided me at her, but it was hopeless. It was bad enough that she could control my actions, but she also seemed to be able to predict when I was about to try something.
As I approached the bank manager, I got down on my knees and pulled him down with me, so that it would hopefully look like I was fighting with him on the ground.
"Don't call the cops, instead call this number," I whispered to him, "780-555-2699."
"Why should I listen to you?" he asked, "Didn't you come here to rob the bank?"
"No, she did. She's in control of my actions," I whispered, "You have no idea hard it is just to tell you this."
Just then I was pulled off the manager and soared through the air. I landed at Penny's feet and she stomped hard on my chest.
"Naughty boy." she said scoldingly.
"You don't scare me bitch," I chuckled, "Once the other rangers get here, you're gonna get your perfect ass kicked so hard."
"We'll see." she said with a menacing smile.
"Stephen "Silver" Silverstone"
"I'm sorry sir, who did you say gave you this number?" I asked.
There was a series of loud footsteps as Yuna scurried down the stairs.
"Oz is in danger!" she gasped.
I spun around in my office chair to look at her. She was still in her pyjamas.
"Yuna?" asked Sawyer, who was seated at the couch in the lounge area.
"I had a dream about Oz and that girl he went out with last night." panted Yuna.
"And?" asked Jenna, who was sitting at her desk.
"I already had a bad feeling about her when I first met her, but now..." said Yuna, wiping a bead of sweat from her forehead.
"What did you see?" asked Sawyer.
"Penny is a demon." she whimpered.
Jenna stood up and ran over to Yuna to give her a big hug.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"It felt so real!" sobbed Yuna.
"Well, if what you saw is true, then Oz is going to need your help," said Jenna, letting go of her, "Are you going to be okay?"
"Yes, I think so. Thank you Jenna." said Yuna.
"Come on, let's go find the others." said Sawyer.
"Heath "Oz" Ostreicher"
Penny had decided to have what she called "play time" with me. She was using her control over me to make me levitate in the air while punching myself in the face.
"You know, a real woman would punch me herself." I spat.
"Is that supposed to be an insult?" snickered Penny.
"No, actually," I said, "I'm just stalling for time until the others come kick your ass."
Now she advanced on me and slashed across the face with her nails, which I hadn't noticed had turned into claws like Commander Astrid's. Her swipe left a deep cut on my cheek.
"That's more like it." I chuckled.
"I'll give you one thing, you humans are nothing if not resilient," said Penny, "But that just means wiping out your disgusting race will be that much more satisfying."
Penny snapped her fingers and I fell to the ground.
"Now take your gun and shoot the bank manager!" she commanded.
I felt myself stand up and take out the gun she had given me. I flicked the safety off and pointed it toward the roof. I could feel Penny try to sway me to point it at the manager, who was cowering behind his desk.
Resisting her control over me was painful, and included a lot of back and forth. She would force me to move the gun towards the manager and aim at him, and then I would move it back towards the roof, only to have her undo what I managed.
"Trying to resist me, are you?" jeered Penny, "Pointless."
With a flourish, Penny manipulated me to move my arm so that the gun was now in my mouth. I started hyperventilating as my finger moved onto the trigger.
"Go ahead. Make me pull the trigger," I said, taking a deep, soothing breath, "It doesn't matter. My friends will avenge me and defeat the Crusaders!"
Penny snapped her fingers, I would imagine she was trying to make me shoot myself in the mouth, but nothing happened. My finger didn't move.
Upon seeing this, Penny snarled and snapped her fingers over and over again, but still nothing happened. I smirked at her and pointed the gun at her head. As soon as I did, an enormous explosion of yellow binary erupted from my chest that created a gigantic pillar of light. It was so bright that it was almost blinding. I felt an immense surge of power.
"Heath, this is called Burst Mode," said my codec, "This mode was locked away deep inside me, but you activated it by demonstrating truly embodying courage."
"Huh. Well, I suppose I am pretty brave," I said, "And codec, don't call me Heath."
"Your remarkable courage is what drew me to you in the first place," said my codec, "Burst mode doubles your power in ranger form. It can be difficult to maintain it without practice though."
"In that case, I better not waste it!" I said.
"The amount of energy that Burst Mode creates automatically transforms you into ranger form." said my codec.
"That's convenient."
I looked down at my suit. Burst Mode changed its overall design. Normally the predominant colour is yellow with white accents that have black outlines, but now the primary colour is white with yellow accents and black outlines. I was also emitting an aura of yellow energy.
"Hate to break it to you," I said, "But you've got no control over me anymore."
"You think that's all I've got!?" roared Penny, her voice sounding quite demonic now.
All the fake skin that she had applied before she was deployed to the party store melted away, revealing a form not unlike the stereotypical depiction of aliens. Grey skin, large black eyes, big head, skinny body.
The only difference is that Penny still had hair, and her body was much more feminine looking. Now I know what it must feel like to wake up and be tempted to gnaw off my arm after seeing who was sleeping in my bed.
"Download weapon!" I called.
My hammer materialized in my outstretched hand. Penny advanced at me and opened her mouth, revealing rows upon rows of sharp teeth. The closest thing I could think of is how sharks have layers of teeth so that if one tooth fall out, another is ready to take its place.
"Stay back, you ugly whore!" I shouted, swinging high to try and hit her in the haw.
Penny threw her back and roared, a strange blood red tongue flailing in her mouth as she did so. I took a few steps closer and tried to swing at her a few more times.
"I didn't feel like you needed to know, but if you had shot yourself," growled Penny, "I was going to eat you to keep up my human facade and go after your leader, Silver!"
"You eat humans!?" I shouted, disgusted.
"The Crusaders recruit in thousands upon thousands of different dimensions, each one has its own unique species and cultures," she growled again, "In mine, humans are considered a delicacy, although it's not very common for them to accidentally end up there."
"Chew on this!" I roared, swing my hammer hard, "Lightning."
A trail of sparks formed at the head of my hammer and I slammed it down hard, creating a shockwave of electricity that radiated outward. Penny jumped over it with ease, laughing sadistically.
Behind me, I noticed five streaks of coloured light fly down and land on the floor of the bank. One by one, the others emerged from the lights, but unfortunately they were in civilian form.
"Why didn't you guys morph?" I whispered.
"We were trying to be discrete." said Riley.
"I guess it doesn't really matter anymore," said Rachel, "The Crusaders already know who are. If a few people in the bank, I doubt the world would come to a screeching halt."
"Then what are we waiting for?" asked Chloe, "Oz needs backup."
"Ready?" asked Yuna.
"READY!" they called together.
"RED RANGER! CYBER POWER!" shouted Riley.
"BLUE RANGER! CYBER POWER!" shouted Rachel.
"GREEN RANGER! CYBER POWER!" shouted Yuna.
"ORANGE RANGER! CYBER POWER!" shouted Chloe.
"PURPLE RANGER! CYBER POWER!" shouted Sawyer.
"Alright everyone! let's make this freak regret the day she tried to make me shoot myself!"
"Rangers!" came Silver's voice, "I think know would be the perfect time to try out the new special attack Jenna came up with."
"The information for it is already in your Digitizer's info bank," said Jenna, "But the gist of it is that you all stand side by side and run at your enemy. If the six of you press and hold all the buttons on your Digitizers in perfect sync, you'll essentially turn yourselves into six digital bullets."
"Wow!" I snorted delightedly, "That sounds awesome!"
"Maybe from your point of view," said Jenna, "On our end, your just teleporting through your enemies."
"Go ahead and try it out," said Silver, "Do it before Oz's Burst Mode wears off. It'll be stronger while his power output doubled."
We all stood side by side and took each other's hands. After exchanging glances, we started running at Penny.
"On my count!" I said loudly, "One! Two! Three!"
We all moved in perfect harmony. I could tell it worked because as soon as I started holding the buttons, I found myself standing several feet further than I where I started.
If I had been able to observe that attack, it probably would've looked identical to us teleporting, except faster and we weren't going up in the air.
I turned around and saw Penny crumple to the ground and then burst into flames! I guess that happens to everyone of whatever species she was. Not that I really care. It certainly makes our jobs, since Astrid can't make her bigger if she's a pile of ashes.
My ranger outfit disintegrated and I collapsed to my knees.
"Man, my codec did warn me that it would take practice for us to be able to activate Burst Mode on command and maintain for longer," I gasped, "But I didn't think much of it until now. I feel like I just ran a thousand back to back marathons."
"Oz? Are you gonna be okay?" asked Chloe, "You didn't think you loved her, did you?"
"No... We didn't get that far," I said, "I mean, the date was great. I definitely would've called her again. You know, until she took control of my body and told me she wanted to EAT ME. You know what? No more dating until the Crusaders are gone. You never know if you're dating a human or a demon in disguise!"
"You don't really mean that, do you?" asked Rachel.
"Yes, I do."
"I'll give it a week until he forgets and goes back to skirt chasing." said Chloe.
"Why would he chase skirts?" asked Yuna, "They're inanimate objects. Shouldn't he be chasing the girls that wear them?"
"That's what it means, Yuna." said Sawyer.
"Oh."
I looked at my watch.
"Oh crap! I've gotta get back to my place or I'm gonna miss... NASCAR." I said, turning around on my heel and scampering out the main door the bank.
I heard someone say something about how it wasn't even NASCAR season, but I didn't care. I needed to watch "Desires" to clear my mind before Silver's party. Especially since if I did end up hiring a stripper to piss off Rachel, I needed to be in the zone if I wanted to score with her afterwards. I just hope this isn't foreshadowing my future luck with women...