What's Happening in Hyrule – The Castle Town Chronicle
by Allexandra Radcliffe
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Ah haha. Has it really been so long since I updated? Well, school's out, and I was digging through my binder at two in the morning (inspired insomnia is still insomnia, as I have found) and I happened to come across chapters 10, 11, 12, 13, and an incomplete 14 that I had forgotten about! (There was a half-written Kingdom Hearts AU right after it, so I must have temporarily lost interest and eventually forgotten it. Hehe.)
I'm pretty sure there's some reviews I haven't replied to that got
lost in the general mayhem of my email, but to everyone who reviewed,
I luffs you all! I would give you food, but all I have is this fried
chicken, and unfortunately, I'm eating that. Disclaimer:
Still don't own anything. Woe ish me.
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Postman Arrested For Invasion of Privacy
Late last night, the postman was apprehended at Telma's Bar by the Castle Town guards on charges of breaking and entering, invasion of privacy, and sexual harassment. (The last charge was apparently raised by Jovani's ex-girlfriend because "he looked at me strangely". No one has bothered inform her that that's how he looks at everyone.) The first two charges were raised by Fado of Ordon Village and the Zoras of Zora's Domain, both of whom found him in private areas reading the mail he was supposed to be delivering.
"He was sent by the avatar of the dark god, I know it!" proclaimed a visibly agitated Fado to the reporter we dispatched to Ordona Province. "What did we do to make you all so angry? Please, spare us!"
Needless to say, our reporter left Ordon Village as quickly as possible.
In the absence of Princess Zelda, the case could not be tried, and the postman was released due to people wanting their mail delivered. According to Aveil, leader of the Castle Town guards, the postman "will be on probation until the princess can decide on his case, or until a suitable replacement can be found.
The staff of this paper highly doubts the latter will ever happen. The postman runs like a sugar-high kid smoking hawk grass; you won't find anyone that can match him any time soon.
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Unknown Thief Vandalizes Castle Town Homes
While everyone was at the fountain following the arrest of the postman, an unknown thief entered numerous houses, breaking pottery and stealing whatever he found. There is only one witness, a young child who described the intruder as 'green'. The child was questioned further by his parents in the presence of our reporter.
"He just walked in and threw the jar at the wall and took all the rupees in it... Then he went in the chest with the money Mom says is for my future, and then he attacked the Cucco with a sword! And then he looked at me, and I was really scared, so I just told him about the Zora boy at Miss Telma's house and he left."
Investigators are in the process of questioning Purlo, proprietor of the STAR game, as he's the only person around here to wear green on a daily basis. The fangirls claim to have another green-clad object of obsession, but they were found, upon questioning, to not even have learned his name, only claiming, "Who cares? He's smexy, that's what matters."
It all makes you wonder: what's the world coming to?
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Another Crazy Person In The Town Square
Just outside Hyrule Castle, Jovani's ex-girlfriend was seen (and heard) berating the guards for not trying their hardest in their search for Jovani. Despite being worried about the man, most residents of Castle Town are no longer paying attention to her, as she is now seeing Chudley's younger brother while still claiming to be with Jovani. More on this story (though not on her) as it happens.
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Following The Raving Idiots
After their spectacle in front of Hyrule Castle, the members of 'the Group', as they call themselves, split up to pursue their own goals. Special Castle Town guards followed each of them on a secret mission to discover their objectives before returning to town and telling everyone what they found out. (So much for secrecy...)
Ashei was tracked to the foot of Snowpeak, where a raging blizzard prevented her and the guard from venturing further up the mountain. The nearby Zoras said that a yeti had been spotted recently, but of course everyone knows yeti don't exist.
Auru traveled to Lake Hylia where he, according to Fyer the cannon guy, is searching for a way to the Gerudo Desert and the ancient structure known as the Arbiter's Grounds. One would wonder why Auru couldn't simply ask Fyer to fire him towards the desert, but then again, who would?
Shad is currently wandering around Hyrule, searching for clues to decipher the 'Sky Language' that he studies. He seemed particularly interested in the Owl Statues found around Hyrule Field, despite the fact that everyone knows the story behind them. They were created by Queen Zelda over a hundred years ago to honor the owl sage Kaepora Gaebora. The best part about them, according to legend, is that they don't talk at all, as opposed to the endless chatter of the original owl.
So in other words, Hyrule is not under attack by a bunch of raving idiots. And why would we be? We've had peace for over a century. Absolutely nothing is going to happen.
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Weather For The Week
Sunny, few clouds, warm, occasional foggy rain at night. From now until forever unless otherwise noted.
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Finished! Yay! Haha! Um, yeah...it's Father's Day, and I'm sleepy. Lots of marathons on, but nothing I haven't seen before. Anyways, I can promise you at least three more chapters, along with some original fiction over on FictionPress (when I can remember) and lots of updates on my Zelda blog! Yay! Review, and I'll give you...um...well, I'll think of something when you review. Unless I eat it.