Chapter 10
I stayed away from home over the next week and checked into a hotel.
Dave came to see me one night. (Which totally surprised me when I opened the door after looking in the peep hole.) As I let him in, he asked me what was going on between Spence and me. "Hello to you too, Dave." I say wryly as he walks into my room. He turns and looks at me sternly as I shut the door. I just look at him until I gave up and said "He had no right acting the way he did." I say. "Neither did you" Dave says and looked at him incredulously. "Were you trying to prove something being in that interrogation room?" Dave asks in a fatherly tone. I sigh as I walk past him and sit on the end of the bed. "No-maybe- I don't know" I tell him. Dave walks over and sits down next to me. " Reid loves you and, yes I know he's a bit overprotective of you, but you got to understand his reasons for being that way." he tells me. I nod. He kissed my cheek and left.
A short time later, I grab the duck Spence gave me ( which I take with me everywhere. No, it's not because of a childish thing, it helps me sleep when I'm not sleeping next to Spence.) and hold it close to me as I touch the chain that held my rings. I did a lot of thinking that night.
Two days later, I had an appointment with my OB doctor. I saw the look of concern on her face as she did a sonogram. "What's wrong?" I ask, then it hit me; there was no heart beat. She looked at me sadly. The last thing I remember was screaming.
When I woke up, I saw Spence by my bed. He was asleep in the chair, a book on his chest. He looked like hell. I felt a tear fall down my cheek as I fall back to sleep.
When I was released, Spence was there. My heart hurt from seeing him, and the pain in his eyes, but I just couldn't talk to him. My heart was aching for the part of both us had died.
We didn't speak as he drove home. I was numb all over again. When we got home, that's when I let him hold me as we both cried for our loss.
It hurt too much, so I pushed him away from me and went to my parent's old room and locked myself inside. I cried for the longest time. I could hear Spence crying as well and it broke my heart even more.
I came to a decision one morning and called Dave about it to let him know. He said that it was a very good idea and he promised to make sure I would get the time I needed to do it alone. I thanked him then hung up. Ten minutes later, I drove to a flower shop; getting two beautiful bouquets before heading to my destination.
At the cemetery, I get out of my truck with the bouquets and walked up to two grave stones. After setting a bouquet at each one, I wiped tears from my eyes as I said "I miss you guys so much." I say as I look down at my parents graves. "I really wish you could be here right now, I could use your advice on how to deal with this. You always told me I could come to you about anything. So, here I am." *sad scoff* " You were right, when you told me that the right guy would come along and would love me even with my past. Spence is an amazing guy. You would've loved him. I love him with all my heart, but I hurt him, pushed him away when we needed each other. Hell, I even slapped him during a fight. I was never an angry person even when I learned about my past. Like Dad, I kept it inside. Spence changed that. He changed me. I'm stronger because of him." (I feel my tears fall down my cheeks as I talk) "I never thought I would fall in love. Spence and I have been through so much together ( I say shakily) I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through this. I don't even know if Spence will ever forgive me." I say as I fall to my knees and cry. As I did, I swore I heard my parents talk to me. I wipe my tears away and as I got up to go, I swore I saw them standing there smiling at me. "I love you." I say softly and go to my truck.
When I get home, Spence wasn't home. I head to our bedroom and was taken aback at the mess there. There was clothes all over the floor and disarray in the drawers of Spence's dresser and the bed was not made.(Spence is a neat freak so for him to do this) I shake my head, blaming myself for this and ignore it as I go to my dresser and pull open my one drawer and dig under camisoles and shorts, pulling out a sleek black/turquoise tankini. (I bought it when we were in Greece for honey moon and Spence never knew I had it. I was going to wear it when we got home, but I never got the chance because of work.)
I change into it, grab a towel from cabinet in the hall and before heading out to the pool, I take off my chain, setting it on my dresser.