Chapter 10: Heart's content
We fall in love and we don't fall out
'I want you. I will always want you. I want you in all your forms. I would want you even if you didn't want me. I would want you, Cas. I would. I never changed my mind,' Dean said, stepping back. His heartbeat was loud in his ears and he imagined he could also hear the blood rush through his veins. His skin pulsed with heat as he looked at Castiel. Dean could practically feel his fingers curl around Castiel's hand when they were nowhere near touching.
'I didn't change my mind,' Dean repeated. 'I didn't think I needed to say it. I didn't think I needed to tell you. I thought that you knew how much I loved you. Did you really not know? I mean, in Purgatory, I gave you everything. The parts of me I hate. I gave you everything. I love you. Didn't you feel it when I touched you?'
He took Castiel by the arm and led him inside, up the stairs to the bedroom. There, Castiel sat down on the bed. Dean switched on the lights and closed the curtains. Castiel mostly blinked. Blinking seemed to help him process what was happening. Once Castiel's overactive eyelids had calmed down, Dean approached him again.
With his thumb, he touched Castiel's right hand, which was resting on the bedspread. They looked at one another. Castiel showed no intention of removing his hand, so Dean continued. He stroked the skin on top of Castiel's hand and traced the knuckles with his fingertips. Castiel's other hand covered Dean's fingers.
'I...' Dean whispered, but he found he was unable to speak. His breaths came fast and heavy. Castiel leaned his head against Dean's stomach and they both trembled. Unaware of the movement until its completion, Dean raised his hand and caressed Castiel's cheek. They remained in that position for an interminable period of time.
'I didn't want to disrupt your life; that's why I left,' Castiel admitted. They stared at each other. Castiel's gaze was burning with intensity. Dean's eyes were consumed by hunger.
'I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long,' Dean admitted, before kissing Castiel. He was done lying and telling tales and biting his tongue. He was tired of floating through life touching nothing and being touched by nothing. He was done raging against his heart's content. He laid Castiel down on the bed.
'It doesn't even need us. This. What's between us. It doesn't need you and me to endure,' Dean said, unbuttoning Castiel's shirt. He realised how true that was. Their love had lived on without them while he had been busy trying so goddamn hard to break his own heart with Lauren. Their love had lived on for three years without their help.
'Envelop me,' Castiel demanded. Dean obeyed, covering Castiel's body with his own. It was as if they hadn't been apart at all. They found their rhythm immediately. They kissed. Their bodies aligned. The smooth slide of skin on skin was so familiar as to be almost ordinary if it hadn't been for the sparks. Sparks: always. Underneath their fingers. Just beyond their lips. Not for their tongues to touch. Intangible sparks, but they were definitely there.
Castiel gave and took and felt real for the first time in ages. Dean wanted and wanted and wanted. It was as if they'd done nothing else these past three years. It was as if they hadn't stopped.