Sweet Surrender:
The smell of old hay tickled Xena's nose, rousing her from slumber. She nestled up to the warm body next to hers. She reached around her back to pull Ares' arm around her middle but found Gabrielle's instead. Xena's eyes popped open as alarms clamored inside her head. What in the holy name of Zeus had she done? Xena worked to get her breath under control as he heart drummed hard against her sternum. She'd let down her guard last night, let him hold her. Kiss her! This had to stop. She had to end this madness. She'd done nothing short of drugging Gabrielle in order to slink off into the night with Ares. And, oh, what a magical night! No! No! Xena closed her eyes to fight off the memories. She had to tell Ares it was over! Xena turned over to look at her best friend and confidant. Gabrielle was still snoring in the arms of Morpheus.
Xena sat up, brought her knees to her chest and crossed her arms over them. She hung her head. She missed him. And she hated herself for it. She'd been disappointed not to find him holding her this morning. This was insane. She'd lost her mind, that was it! Could she wait another seven days before seeing him again? What? Of course, she could! It didn't matter anyway, she told herself, it wasn't happening again. They had crossed way too many lines last night. He'd stolen one kiss from her, and she'd gladly granted another! And then, then what did she do? The unthinkable! She cried in his arms! One doesn't cry in the arms of the God of War! Ridiculous! He should have lashed her for such weakness! But what had he done? He'd held her! Held her, just as she'd asked him. Her post-coital emotions had gotten the better of her and she'd let herself indulge in the feeling of his loving embrace.
Xena rubbed her forehead. He'd done the unexpected. He'd managed to crack the walls around her heart. It was that stupid little flight across the Aegean! And, the obsessive monument to her life he'd built into the courtyard frieze. She'd been more impressed with both than she should've been. It was all only supposed to be sex. Sex, nothing more. The exercises were only meant to be a chance for her to lose herself with complete abandon. An opportunity to just let go. Still, Xena wondered, what it said about her feelings for him that he was the one who she trusted to be her Master? He'd been the only choice for so many reasons. Xena knew that Ares wouldn't judge her. She knew that he would still respect her as a woman and a warrior even after she'd been on her knees servicing him, begging for his domination. How many men could she say that about? She was definitely going crazy! Being with Ares was starting to make sense!
Gabrielle stretching beside her brought her out of her reverie. "Morning," Gabrielle smiled.
"Morning," Xena smiled back trying not to let her guilt show.
"That was the best night's sleep I've had in years! Wow! I feel incredible, like I could take on a three-headed hydra. How'd you sleep?"
"Soundly," Xena answered and realized the truth of her statement. When she had finally fallen asleep, her slumber had been so deep that it hadn't even awoken her when Ares had brought her back to the barn.
"That must've been some good wine, huh? But I am famished now." Gabrielle rubbed her tummy for effect.
"Yeah, I could use a bite myself." Xena agreed.
"I'll see if Melinda minds if I use her kitchen. I'll fix us some of those little dumplings you like." Gabrielle offered.
"You are too good to me, Gabrielle. I don't deserve you." Xena's voice hitched as guilt ate at her soul. She shouldn't be keeping her little night meetings with Ares secret from Gabrielle.
"What? It's just dumplings, silly. To tell you the truth they're not even that hard to make." Gabrielle stopped in her tracks when she noticed that Xena had started to cry. She draped her arm over Xena's shoulders. "Xena what's wrong?"
"Nothing, Nothing," Xena tried to wave her off.
"It's obviously something."
"It's just if you only knew. I am not the good and honest person you think I am." Xena shook her head.
"Xena, yes you are. Sure, you've done things in your past that you're not proud of but those things don't define you. All the good deeds you have done are as much a part of you as your violent past is."
"I understand that but somehow, I feel like I will never really be able to leave all of my past behind me."
"Well, not if you keep running off in the night to help Ares."
"What?" Xena panicked. How could Gabrielle have known about last night?
"The other night, That whole lie he fed me about the God of Eli. Look, Xena. I am not sure what you two were up to but I sure as Hades know it had nothing to do with the God of Eli."
Xena started to respond but Gabrielle held up her hand. "I wasn't fishing for an explanation, Xena. All I am saying is that you are not beholden to him. Yes, he gave up his godhood for you but you got it back for him, so I think you guys have settled that score. You don't owe him anything. If he calls for your help, you should feel free to tell him no and not have any guilt about doing so."
How did Xena tell Gabrielle that it wasn't her helping Ares but the other way around. He had been helping her. He'd saved her from that dungeon. Who knows how far she would have let things go if he hadn't interrupted her plans that evening? She'd thought it would be safe, harmless, and anonymous but then she'd had her run in with Anicetus outside of the BDSM club. Nothing was ever as simple as one wanted it to be. 'It wasn't like that, Gabrielle. I wasn't helping him out of guilt. I don't feel like I owe him anything."
"Then what? You were helping him because you wanted to?" Gabrielle eyed her with concern. "Xena, maybe you need to cut him out of your life altogether."
"He's a god, Gabrielle, that's easier said than done." Xena didn't like the jolt of pain that stabbed at her heart at the thought of never seeing Ares again.
"That's an excuse, Xena. If you really want to leave your dark past in the past then you need to accept that he is a part of all the pain and self-hatred that you feel."
"All of my memories of him aren't painful." Xena defended Ares.
"And that is the problem, isn't it? You haven't dealt with your lingering romantic feelings for him? It's been easy enough to sever your ties with him as your god and mentor but harder to forget what he meant to you as a man."
Easy? Xena thought, Leaving him behind as her mentor had been anything but easy. She'd walked the gauntlet to leave that life, both physically and emotionally. This conversation needed to be over. "Can we talk about all of this later? I am hungry."
Gabrielle patted Xena's back and stood up. She dusted the hay off her dress. She knew when a Xena heart to heart had run its course.
"Sure. But give it some thought, Xena. At some point you are going to have to quit him, cold turkey, if you're ever going to truly heal."
"Cold turkey. I could eat cold turkey right now! I'm starving." Xena tried to turn the sour conversation in a lighter direction.
"Alright, alright, I'll make breakfast."
Xena waited until Gabrielle was out of sight and grabbed her herbal sachet. She wondered, as she looked at the herbs, if the prophylactic would even work against his immortal seed. Normally, she would have brewed a tea but she knew if Gabrielle saw the Silphium that she would know that Xena had been with a man. And, it wouldn't take long for Gabrielle to make the connection to Ares. Xena chewed the dried Silphium. Like the conversation she'd just had with the bard, it tasted bitter on her tongue.
AXAXAXAXAXAXAXAX
Xena spent the early part of the morning working with the villagers on how to set up a good defense system and rotating guard schedule. Going through drills with Petros and the leaders of the new militia reminded Xena of her days of being a military commander. If she was being honest with herself, she did miss training soldiers. It was exhilarating to watch a simple villager turn into a ruthless killing machine. After they broke for lunch, Xena grabbed a bowl of lamb stew, wolfed it down, and headed out to check out the military encampment that she'd seen from the sky the previous evening. Gabrielle reluctantly agreed to stay in the village when Xena reminded her that she preferred to scout alone.
As Xena neared the area where she knew she could expect to encounter the first lookouts, she dismounted Argo. She took off her shiny, clangy armor and fastened it to Argo's saddle then signaled for the mare to make herself scarce. Xena took to the trees, climbing high in the dark pines. At about ten meters up, she spotted the guard posts. Another five meters, gave her a decent view of the entire encampment. She started counting tents. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five, thirty, thirty-fi. . . . electricity ran up her spine. He was here. He was close.
"Xena, what are you doing?" Ares called from the branch above her.
She sneered at him. "I am working and you are going to blow my cover!"
"Xe-na," he broke her name up in frustration. "You are the only one who can see me. But, just what is it that you are working on? Because I know you are not talking about my army out there."
"You're damn straight that I am talking about your little army out there."
"Little?" He acted offended.
"Precisely my point! What are you up to?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" He gloated.
"Oh, I will find out." She growled.
"Xena, I am warning you to leave it alone. And, besides, it was wrong of you to use our little meetings to your advantage like this." He clicked his tongue, chastising her.
"What are you talking about? I was on to your army's little operation before our latest rendezvous."
"Maybe," he conceded, "But, you only learned their position because you saw it on our flight. I didn't think you would come after them but here you are. KInd of a betrayal of my trust, wouldn't you say?"
"Look, Ares, I am not interested in what your army is doing, so much as I am interested in the little raiders that work for them. I won't stand by while they deplete hardworking villagers of all their resources."
"So deal with the raiders, but leave my army alone. Unless of course, you want to lead it, then we can discuss terms."
"In your dreams."
"Actually, in my dreams. . ." Ares leaned down toward her.
Xena's hand flew up to stop him. "Ares, this isn't going to work. Yes, I saw the encampment last night. And yes, it gave me an unfair advantage but as i said, I was already on to them. I would have found the camp either way. Look, I need to talk to you about. . .about"
"Us?" he asked, helping her find the words.
"I told you there is no us!"
"Okay, then, our games," he offered, exasperated.
"They have to stop. I can't keep doing this."
"Okay," he surprised her.
"What?" She looked at him warily.
"Xena, I am not going to make you do something you don't want to do. When I left you after that first night in Athens, I thought I made it pretty clear that the ball is in your court."
"Do you want to stop?" She didn't know what she would do if he said yes.
"Xena, I will never want to stop making love to you."
"Making love?" She scoffed.
He looked down. She'd wounded him, again. A part of her hated herself for what she was putting him through. Another side of her gloried in the fact that she had such power of the God of War.
"Fucking you, Xena! I will never tire of fucking you! Satisfied?" He disappeared. She felt a cold absence in the air around her.
XAXAXAXAXAXAXAX
When Xena returned to the village, Gabrielle was standing in the main square with Petros and Virgil. Xena wondered what in Hades the warrior-poet was doing this far north of Athens. She hopped off of Argo and walked up to the trio, greeting Virgil with a full-forearm handshake.
"I'm surprised to see you, Virgil. You aren't having problems with Anicetus, are you?" Xena asked.
"No, it's much worse." Virgil answered.
"What's going on? Meg okay?" Xena didn't like the severe tone of Virgil's voice.
"We have a warlord at our gates. I barely managed to get out of the city. I tried sending a messenger but he was slaughtered not far from town. The warlord displayed his body as a warning that if anyone tried to leave town, they'd suffer a similar fate."
"The Athenian army can't handle one warlord?" Gabrielle asked.
"The army isn't what it used to be." Virgil answered.
"Athena's dead." Xena said bluntly. "Whoever this warlord is, I am betting he knows that and is trying to capitalize on that fact."
"He calls himself the Widowmaker." Virgil said before mounting his steed. "I have to get back. My family needs me."
"We'll be right behind you. Gabrielle get our pack." Xena ordered.
"Would you like to take some of our men?" Petros offered.
"No, Petros, there is no sense in you all getting yourselves killed. If we need you, I will send for you."
"You've done so much for us, I really wish. . ."
"You owe us nothing," Xena stopped the farmer. She knew there was no guarantee that even with all she had taught the villagers that they would be able to stave off the invaders. Especially since they were working alongside Ares' new commander. "Best of luck against those marauders."
Ten minutes later, Xena and Gabrielle were all packed and ready to follow Virgil back to Athens.