Mary Sues 101
Lesson 9: Smut – according to Julie

Hello everyone! It's me, Julie Gaffney, and I was appointed by Charlie to teach the smut lesson. Luis begged me to trade but Charlie forbid it and considering pretty much everyone backed that decision, Luis decided to let it drop, and so here I am!

My word of warning is that since this lesson is about smut, there are topics and words that are not suitable for younger learners. So if smut is dirty to you, or you find it a sin, or you're too young to know what it is, you might want to leave the room for this lesson.

That being said, let's get into the lesson then, shall we?

What is smut?
Smut, for those of you who don't know, is some kind of sexual act that is graphically described within a story. It is one of the trickiest things to write in any kind of fiction. Sex is much easier to write in non-fiction and scientific books because they don't have to convey any emotion of any kind. But in a story, writing sex is hard. It has to be tasteful, it has to be in character to the character having it, it has to be believable and not stiff…just to name a few things it should be.

Unfortunately, in a story with Mary Sue, you tend to see a number of different types of smut written, none of which are usually very good. Let's go over them now.

Melodramatic:
He kissed her and she wept, overwhelmed by his strong but gentle touch. She lovingly opened herself to him and as he finally pushed into her, he wept too…
Yeah. You get it. Melodramatic Smut is typically very sappy. The author is attempting to write something moving but in the end really writes something kind of nauseating. There's a lot of weeping. You see it a lot with Loving Sue and Perfect Sue (well, if Perfect Sue sinks to the level of doing something as human as having sex). Adam is often a victim of Melodramatic Smut. You'd think he spent all his time weeping. Most people don't cry that much during sex; at least not during consensual sex.

Crude:
It was a good fuck. He pushed his big, throbbing cock into her dripping wet pussy…
Crude Smut does not have much going for it. It's not very classy, it's not very tasteful, it's more than a bit embarrassing. The Bash Brothers are often seen in stories like this, usually with Angsty or Naughty Sue. A little crudeness is okay, but only in small doses and usually as a reflection on sex. It is not good for a whole sex scene.

Euphemism:
She gently stroked his manhood with her hands. He fondled her lady lumps with tender fingers…
Euphemism Smut, along with Crude Smut, is often some of the most cringe-worthy smut. It is filled with replacement words for sexual organs and actual physical acts. Any slang word you can think of for "penis" is often applied. Words like "manhood" and "pulsating" are used a lot. Vomit is often induced. Luis often shows up in Euphemism Smut, as do Friendly Sue and Loving Sue. Euphemism Smut is awful. It is okay to throw in a euphemism here and there in a story, but really, please don't write a whole sex scene with euphemisms. It's awkward for all of us.

Technical:
First, he pushed his penis into her vagina, thrusting in and out. Then he stroked her clitoris with one hand while simultaneous stroking her breasts with the other…
Technical Smut is like reading a how-to guide. It almost feels like the author is writing sex in steps, in case you somehow want to follow along or teach yourself. Technical Smut isn't as awkward as Euphemism Smut but it conveys little emotion and seems very methodical and very unreal. Scientific terms are often used. Friendly Sue is featured in Technical Smut, though Angsty Sue also shows up as well.

First Time:
She put her mouth on his thingy and after he got a boner, then they did it…
First Time Smut is just that: the author's first time writing smut. It is usually a terrible combination of Crude, Technical, and Euphemism Smut, making it three times as uncomfortable as just one type of these smuts. It is hideously awkward and unemotional. The only thing that is forgivable about writing First Time Smut is that, unless the author never improves their writing, First Time Smut only happens the first time. But until next time, cringe and bear it. All Sues and Ducks can be in First Time Smut.

Rape:
I'm not going to even give an example of this one. It pretty much speaks for itself. Mary Sue is raped by a Varsity member (or someone else in her life). Rape scenes are usually unnecessary though they do come up in higher rated stories, but the author usually has the good taste not to graphically describe rape to the reader. Maybe small flash backs or pieces to hint at what happened, but graphic rape scenes are not the route most authors take.

So, how do you write a smut scene?
That, friends, is the tricky part. Smut must be "in character" for the characters having sex. Can I just add that Portman isn't that rough? Stop writing him that way! Yes, I've been with him. No, he didn't hurt me. I'm tired of people pairing me with Adam. Seriously. Adam's blonde haired and blue eyed. Portman's got sculpted abs, chest, and upper arms. You do the math. Hey, is it warm in here?

Oh right. Anyway. Smut must be "in character" for the characters having sex. Keep your characters in character. Do you really think Rick Riley would cry during sex? It must also be realistic. Keep it realistic. Nobody has sex like they're following a cake recipe. Make sure it flows. Don't use terribly embarrassing euphemisms. Just say what you mean. Or imply it.

But writing smut is tricky. It's hard to do well. If you can avoid it, sometimes it might be a good idea just to skip it. But if you want to write smut, I find that this general rule is a good one to follow:
If it feels awkward to write, then it's twice as awkward to read.
Really! If you don't feel like you wrote it the right way, you probably didn't. Make sure you're comfortable with what you wrote and that you feel everything is smooth and in character. If you feel that way, then the readers probably will too.

Was that painful for everyone? I hope not! At least it wasn't a porno, so there, Luis! Anyway, Averman's up next with some lesson or another. He was going to try to work eating babies into his lesson but I'm not sure that's happening. You never know, Averman's a little strange sometimes. Anyway, I hope everyone had fun. And if you care about me having fun, write me in some smut with Portman, will ya?

Love,
Julie