I feel steady about you

Very very steady

Whenever I see you

I always retch the same amount of vomit

And my heart always tingles

Of dread knowing that the assassins have failed once more

Some day I shall get a heart attack

From seeing your true face

Dying of laughter

"And thus, through this operation, we shall harness Asakura-san's feelings and shoot her point-blank with love and touched, she shall come with us!" Koizumi declared.

"Are you sure this is the best idea?" Haruhi asked skeptically.

"Well, I'm not really into it, but Koizumi has gotten really obsessed with it somehow, and I haven't got a better plan," I sighed. Haruhi frowned.

"Well, whatever gets you to win," she said grumpily and stomped off. Koizumi had looked at my own love poems and for some reason deemed them too "sardonic" too use and instead written his own. They were incredibly deep. I swear I shed a tear (of laughter) just reading one.

"Alright," Koizumi said brightly, "I have finally figured it out! We shall attack at these three corners! Asahina-san, you shall hide behind here where you need not worry about danger!"

"Why are you so carelessly endangering Asahina-senpai!" I yelled angrily.

"N-no, don't worry K-Kyon-kun! It was my idea!" Asahina-san's head lowered. I gaped. She spoke like a child who had been caught doing wrong, "I-I just realized...I-I'm not helping very much, e-even if I want to, I d-don't always m-manage to p-protect you," she said guiltily, "a-and I just r-realized t-that with this Nagato-san, I w-was still useless...a-and I want to be of use, this time!"

"Naturally Miss Suzumiya will be hiding wherever she wishes, after allowing me to be leader of this expedition she was by no means going to be ordered about," Koizumi said brightly.

In order to be leader, don't you need to order people around? Rufus asked confusedly.

Shut up! Shut up!

"She claims to have prepared a, and I quote verbatim, "super awesome hiding place", so I have no idea where she will be," he added.

"Kyon-kun, I didn't like the way you treated me," a bloody and grinning Haruhi speaks.

"Aaah!" With a scream, Haruhi tackles me to floor and starts to viciously stab me with a knife.

"Poor Kyon-kun," Haruhi croons, "even his little sister doesn't call him "Onii-san"! Ooh, is that chocolate? Lemme eat some~!"

"Are you alright?" Koizumi asked.

"Yeah...yeah," I nodded, trying to forget the mental image.

"I will also be hiding in some secret place," Koizumi added.

"Kyon-kun..." A dark and tired Koizumi speaks from the shadows.

"Yeah?"

"It's tiring, all this waiting," Koizumi rasps.

"Ah? I guess so."

"I've waited too long! I am in love with you!" Koizumi suddenly pounces from the dark as I scream out to the heavens that-

"You are to wait in the classroom and lure the target in...are you quite alright?" Koizumi asked.

"Yeah...yeah," I managed, catching a good grip on the table. "Hey, uh, Koizumi?"

"Hm?"

"...uh, why are you all of a sudden like this? It's like...you've got some new energy or something..." Koizumi turned towards me, lowering the plans. "Is it...because you aren't trying to hide everything from Haruhi?"

"Well," Koizumi answered in a low voice, "it is rather liberating, and I suppose all damage has been done, and perhaps this is another step in evolving."

"Ah, okay, I'm glad," I answered.

"Mh. So, you don't mind if I have you reveal your secret feelings towards Suzumiya-san to increase her chance of having a happier mood?"

"I rather think she'll create more celestials!" I complained.

I took in a sharp breath as I waited in the classroom. Koizumi made no sign that Haruhi and Asahina-san were in the classroom, merely told me to be there at a particular time and left me a single rose to take for good luck. He also said that ingesting its leaves were good luck and would 'make me happy', but I think he was either confusing the wrong plant or messing with me.

I heard very calm footsteps and the door opened, creaking silently. It opened the door and smiled gently at me, saying "Oh, hello" as if it were a normal conversation, and entered. It closed the door, then turned around and smiled at me. "How are you doing?" It asked politely.

"Fine," I answered, feeling like an idiot. I felt like even the rose was sweating. "So..."

"What do you want to talk about?" It turned its sparkling eyes towards me. Terribly beautiful, yes, but evil so. It folded its arms properly and fixed its gaze on me, turning up the wattage of its eye sparkles.

"I...summoned you here to talk to you about something," I spoke with difficulty. "The truth is...I...I..."

"Yes?" It asked.

"I..." I held out the rose, my arm shaking.

Then it suddenly occurred to me that in front of me was the only pathway I could think of to reaching the Data Overmind, even if I believed Koizumi was wacko and that Haruhi's godly powers would save my sad posterior in the end, there was no way for me to get to her alone. And forcing Koizumi or Haruhi to think up an alternate one just because I didn't want to deal with It at the moment was selfish. Koizumi already had planned out a lot for me and Haruhi did not have 't the godly control to come up with godly powers. It was time for me to also put some input in the impossible mission I had demanded suddenly of them, and after all...

"The truth is," I blinked ruefully, "for a long time...I have been wanting to talk to you, Asakura-san," I gulped.

"Oh?"

" Yes," I took a step closer, and clenched the rose. The thorns dug into my flesh, and without thinking I threw it onto the ground and ground it up with my shoe. I turned towards her and fixed her with a steely glare, even though I knew Koizumi was internally screaming at me for deviating from the plan.

"I need you to do something for me," I spoke with determination. You're taller than her, anyway, I reminded myself, you need not worry. "You remember somebody named Nagato, don't you?"

Her face darkened.

"Doesn't it ever occur to you that if she was deleted rather easily, you could be just as easily removed?" I asked. "Sure, for now the Data Overmind is fine with using you, but only as long as you obey its orders. Maybe tomorrow you will be deleted and perhaps replaced with Nagato, who was much nicer and more capable than you," I smirked. She stared at me with a shocked look and sent me one of hatred. Good. I felt like picking a fight.

"You wouldn't understand, you mere human-" Her hands jerked around my neck but stopped.

"Or is it," I smirked, "that you're afraid of something~? That I, a mere human, will somehow overpower you? Are you afraid I have something you don't? I mean, I'm quite disappointed in you, Asakura-san, you already tried to kill me once but you failed...oh, right, it was Nagato who defeated you, wasn't it? I always knew she was the better program..."

I didn't exactly like to use insecurities against her or taking revenge, but it was all I could think of, and as I said she did try to kill me just for fun, maybe a little teasing might be okay...

Keep this up and you'll be as heartless as Haruhi, Rufus muttered.

I'll mind my own business, I sighed.

"Nagato had prettier hair, didn't she? I always thought short hair was better than long hair, yours looks really tacky, Asakura-san-"

"SHUT UP!" Asakura screeched and threw me across the room. I hit the wall and groaned, but sat up, my entire body throbbing and leaving me panting for breath. Asakura's eyes were hidden by her long hair and she stood absolutely still in a fighting stance, no longer prim and proper, inhaling deeply.

"Koizumi, didn't you get a nice video of that? Come on, Koizumi, I know you were recording that for blackmail material," I called out, and watched as her face turned shocked and pale again with fear. "Whatever. My friends are well-hidden, but let me let you know this; we are going to fight for what we want, and we know that if it gets out to the Data Overmind you just tried to kill me and how we all found out about Nagato despite it being your task to erase her presence, you'll have a looot of trouble won't you?" I asked playfully. Her face turned angrier and angrier. I smirked triumphantly.

"Buuut if you go along with us, you have just the same chance of being deleted, haven't you?" I asked. "Only, we've got evidence that you tried to kill me just now."

Asakura glared up at me with angry tears in her eyes. I must be going mad, but actually I was somewhat pleased. Maybe because I'd wanted to pick a fight with her and have her feel angry too. Either way, I guess the desire to hurt her left, and with regret I said, "I mean, it's your choice, but whatever works...if you want, you can come with us. If you want, you can stay with the Data Overmind, but if not, you can come along and rebel against it. If I were you, I'd be tired of obeying its commands." I turned around and turned the doorknob and made to walk out coolly when I felt a hand seize the back of my shirt, and with the strength of a bear, Asakura turned me around to face her again.

She was smiling again.

"Very well, but if I am going against the Data Overmind, let me remind you that I am no longer required to refrain from killing you anymore," she grinned.

I felt myself mumble something like "I will take note of that" before passing out from relief and wondering whether I'd finally gone crazy (though come to think of it the aliens should have clued me in on that.)