Chapter X: Whirlwind

I gape at you in disbelief. I feel myself take a deep breath of air. The amount of anger and hate that flows through me, flees me as easily as it enters my body. A whirlwind of emotions find their place inside of me. I let out a heavy sigh I had been keeping in. I keep staring into your dark eyes, thinking. Overthinking thinking.

I wish I could believe you.

You uneasily stare back into my eyes.

Then maybe I would've been alright…

'Sakura,' you say quietly.

But everything you've just told me doesn't apply to the way I feel inside. I shouldn't give in. I'm good.
So you blatantly use my weakness to then push me away, like you always do.

I open my mouth but then close it again. Not knowing what to say to you. I break our eye contact and without a word I leave you behind.

'Sakura.'

Your voice is firm. Heavy. Manly. Nothing like that boy I fell in love with all those years ago.
I think about how loving you was easy once upon a time. How I was easily struck by your cool attitude and handsome features.

I bite the inside of my cheek.

'Sakura,' you repeat my name.

I stand still, contemplating about voicing my thoughts.

'Don't,' I hear myself say. 'Shut up.'

'I have nothing to offer you.'

I frown. First I'm no good for you, now your too good for me.

'Sasuke, what do you want?' I ask turning back around. I don't even know what I want but I just want some clarity from him. Just once.

'It doesn't matter what I want…' You calmly state, evading your eyes from mine when I look at you.

I shake my head at his words.

'What do you want!?' I repeat angrily.

'What do you want?' You ask me. 'You've kept you distance, Sakura, don't deny it!'

'I have kept my distance?' I yell in disbelief. 'I gave you the best part of my life… I was carefree once. I loved you more than my own life. I would've sacrificed it! Even if it was at your hands!'

Ashamed you keep your eyes on the floor. You don't utter a word. And that action only fuels my anger.

'You ran off, making me—people that cared about you,' I correct myself, knowing I wasn't the only one who had suffered, 'suffer endlessly! You threated us like we were no good. Like we had nothing to give you! We gave you all we had! You're giving me a lesson in greed when you never stopped going after more yourself!

'I thought you forgave me!' You angrily speak up while ignoring everything else I've said. I can tell my words are affecting you. You hate this. You hate the truth. And I hate it too because I've denied it for so long.

'I only give you a hard time because… I can't pretend. I can't.. truly forgive you,' I admit out loud. 'You hurt me… so many times and when I put myself on the line… You push me away because now, I'm too good for you. I'm no longer annoying. Or weak,' I spat.

'I don't think of you like that…' You whisper. 'I just don't want to burden you with my past—'I am your past!' I hiss.

'I don't want to hurt you.'

'I don't want you to hurt me either,' I harshly tell you.

'I know you've changed and as much as I want to trust you, Sasuke, it will never be the same. I'll never understand why you keep pushing me away… And I already carry burdens because of you.'
It isn't an insult, I am not trying to hurt you. It is another ugly truth you don't want to hear and I didn't want to say out loud for the longest time. I suddenly understand my darkness comes from you…

'You've always ignored me for the most part,' I start. 'As young girl I didn't understand it, I didn't understand what I had done to deserve this way to be threated by you… As I've grown older I've come to understand it is a part of you. A part I might never fully grasp and now I realize… I don't want you. I don't think I'm strong enough to handle your way of loving.'

You're eyes widen but you stay silent, accepting my words like the wise man you turned out to be.

'I still want more,' I say. 'Just not this,' pointing myself and then at him. I have no word for our entwined lives.

As I ran out and start my journey back home, my mind becomes a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions again.
I feel tears stream over my face. I don't know if it is because I finally said the words I've longed to say or because I had broken all of the vows I had made surrounding him.

I promised to keep my distance.
I promised to let him come after me.
I promised I wouldn't just indulge in an offering…

I wipe the tears of my cheeks. I've been crying for too long.

I suddenly understand the meaning of Kakashi's words. Or rather, how see-through I was to him.

As much as I claimed I said I was over Sasuke, all I did was ignore the aching feelings inside of me I kept in for all those years. Sasuke had left a gap in my heart. And only now, I understood.

I no longer desired to patient, kind or loving with him. I longed for us to be even.

I wanted him to hurt.
I wanted to be noticed.

I wanted to turn the tables around.

I had finally gotten the attention I craved for… and it had not left me with the desired feeling I had thought it would.

I still felt empty. I still wanted more.

Placing my hand on my heart, I tried to give it all a place. As the wind blows through my hair I inhale the fresh air. Wondering if this event finally had lead to the longing change I had been waiting for.