Entry Log: 9
Date: Saturday, April 21, 2012
Place: Community Centre, Harlem, NYC
I'm exhausted and have got a hell of a headache but for the first time in the almost three months that I've been back home I feel slightly better. Not good yet, not by a long shot, but like things might not be as terrible as I thought and that there is a way out. I'm still a damn mess but I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.
The old cat lady was back today serving soup and she unfortunately caught sight of me before I could hightail it out the door so I was stuck beside her again. I was starting to get really annoyed by her granny voice again but then remembered how Sarah had just sat by my side listened so I tried to do the same. I focused on serving soup and catching her ladle whenever she was about to drop it and just quietly listened to her mindless chatter.
Turns out she had a grandson about my age who served a tour. And things weren't so rosy for him either when he came back. He was able to find a job in construction but began to have panic attacks. Especially the sound of jackhammers would send him off into a state of uncontrollable shaking. That I can understand well. Those things make me flinch real bad every time I hear one so I do my best to stay away from building sites.
Anyways, the grandson was carted off to some psych centre where he was given medication. He tried to OD one night but ended up in the hospital where he was recovering now. Poor kid. As if giving him a shit ton of drugs would make things better. Like the booze for me, it's just a temporary solution.
I want to do something for these people. The kid in the hospital, the SEAL vet walking around somewhere in the streets, and the hundreds of other guys who come home from the army and feel like there life has gone even more to shit. Maybe it'll help me sort through my own problems, get rid of these feelings of guilt. I couldn't do anything to save Riley, but maybe I can help someone else.
I asked the lady in charge of this centre and she said they're always looking for more people to help out with their community programs or just do general maintenance around the place. She also mentioned that there's a few other centres nearby that could all do with the help. It's all volunteer stuff but hell, why not? I've got my discharge bonus from the army that'll get me by for a while and if this can help me get my life on track, it's worth a shot, no? It's a hell of a lot better than drinking myself to an early death.
Wonder what my army boys would say to this. Most of them wouldn't hesitate to bring out the jokes. But if I really think about it, how many of them aren't struggling with something similar? Most joined the army to make a difference. Isn't that what I'm trying to do now? Just without a gun in my hand. I think if there's one thing I've learned so far, it's that I'm not the only one going through this shit. There's always someone else out there who's got the same issues, or at least close enough. Same issues, different manifestations.
My old gang members would have a field day too, seeing me like this. Volunteering in community centres? They'd probably die laughing. I don't care though. I managed to get out of that shit show and I'll do my damnedest to get out of this one now.