SUP????

Finally an update. But this isn't a normal update, oh no, this is a special update... A SANTA SPECIAL!!!!!!!

Nica: What the F? It's nowhere near Christmas. You just couldn't be stuffed updating normally could you?

Me: Em... no... I'm doing it cuz... cuz it would be Christmas on the Lost Island!!

Nica: What the hell.

Me: Well, they crashed in September (i think) and they've been there 3 months sooooooo... CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!! yeah, that'll hold...

Nica: Sigh...

Presenting... THE SANTA SPECIAL!!!! WOOOOO!!!!

'Hey Nica, check this out!'

'Coooool!!!!'

We were going through the mini-plane that we discovered during Big fAT fATTIEs, and I had found some more costumes.

'WHEE!!! I"m a leprechaun!!!! Fiddle-dee-dee, I LIKE CHEESE!!!!' Nica screamed.

'WOAAAAH!!!! Look, a Santa outfit!' I squealed. I grabbed a red and white outfit from the bottom and tried it on. It was pretty faded and was stained in some places, but I thought I looked pretty good.

'You look like the Santa from my nightmares,' Nica said, looking alarmed.

I pulled the beard on too. It was itchy and mouldy so I gave it to Fluffy for a chew toy.

'I'll go without the beard,' I grabbed the Santa bag. 'This sort of looks like a body bag doesn't it?

'Yeah, let's kill Charlie and chuck him in the bag and throw him into the ocean!' Nica cackled.

'Hmmm, maybe later.' I said.

'I've been a good girl, so can I have the best presents?' Nica asked.

Boone appeared out of somewhere. 'No you haven't. You've been very naughty.' Boone stated. (surely he knew her nickname was "Naughty Nica?")

'Well at least I haven't been freelancin round the island. Dezzo was doin that the other day.' Nica said.

All three of us cringed in disgust.

Just as we were cringing DEZZO ran past us, stark naked.

We lost all sight for 3 days.

When we regained it, I dressed up in my dodgy Santa outfit and ran around the island.

'HO freakin HO HO!!!!!' I bellowed. I heaved my sack over my shoulder and swung it at any curious onlookers who got too close.

'OOF!!' yelled Jack as I drove him into the sand.

'Take that Jock!' I roared.

'Don't you mean Jack?' Nica questioned.

'SANTA KNOWS ALL!!!!' I bellowed, swinging my sack at a naturally hungry Hurley.

I went over to Charlie and reached into my sack of, ah-hem, "goodies."

'YOU'VE BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY. YOU GET VIRGIN MARY STATUES. Filled... with... DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

'AHHHREIOUEHGJKFHBEJGIOFBNHJKSJER!!!!!!!'Charle spasmed on the ground and Nica jabbed him with a sharp stick.

I turned to Sawyer. 'You, however, have been a very good boy Sawyer.'

'What do I get?' he asked.

'A PASH FROM SANTA!!!!!!!' I screamed, hurling myself at Sawyer.

Nica pulled me off some time later and I went around delivering "happiness" to all. (Nica refers to it as the the Death Gift, but what does she know?) I gave Claire a guide on how to mother children, all handwritten by me.

1. Make Baby.

2. Have baby.

3. Give baby up for adoption.

That was pretty much it. Dezzo got a fashionable banana leaf which he wrapped around his head (idiot) and Juliet got a rock.

'Why would she need a rock? That's stupid. You're stupid. This whole chapter is stupid!' she yelled.

'SILENCE, ELF!!!' I screamed.

'Why am I the elf?' she demanded.

'Coz I'm Santa. Now come on, we gotta give Hurley some dog crap.'

'And dare him to eat it!' Nica added eagerly.

I suddenly came across Jack and Wilbur poking some random bug. 'YOU'VE ALL BEEN VERY NAUGHTY!!!' I screamed. Nica got out the water pistols and grinned.

'HO HO HO, TIME TO GET JOLLY ON YOUR NAUGHTY ASSES!!!!' I screamed.

We attacked Jack and Wilbur with the water pistols (which we forced Sayid to modify so they now spray so hard that it takes skin off) and did our victory dance.

'IT BURNS!!!!!!!!' Jack wailed. I danced up and down, limbs flailing and beer gut flying (fake, people, fake) while Nica did sound effects.

'WOOP WOOP, keeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaah, WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!' Nica screamed. I brought up my hand and slapped her in the face.

'SILENCE, ELF!!!!!!' I yelled again.

'WHAT THE FRIGGIN HELL WAS THAT FOR, THAT DAMM WELL HURT!!!!' Nica screamed at me, rubbing her face.

'You looked like you were having crab sex,' I said.

'WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??????' she screamed.

'You were doing the crab mating dance, complete with sound effects,' I snapped.

She looked horrified. 'Our victory dance is a crab mating dance?'

'OMG!!!!!!' we screamed.

Much later, after we changed our victory dance to the "Crackerina" (Macarena on crack) we continued dishing out presents.

'SO, being your 'faithful' elf, what do I get?' Nica questioned.

'We'll see laterz.' I said, grinning evily.

'Well, just so you know, as well as cash,new car, hot pink machine gun, ninja suit, million dollar diamond ring and all that other stuff, I could do with an elf suit ya know?' Nica said.

'Buzz off Nica ya greedy ELF! Now go give Hurley this whole bag of dog crap. It's his SPECIAL present!' I said.

'FINE!' Nica pulled on some gloves and threw the bag of dog crap at Hurley and somehow it managed to open and Hurley was covered in the stuff.

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!' We laughed for ages.

We went looking for Boone so Nica could pash him and claim it was his present.

However while we were searching for Boone (or Boonie hunny bunny!)as Nica refers to him, we saw a disgusting sight ...

SAYID AND SHANNON MAKING OUT IN THE BUSHES!

'OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!' I screamed.

Nica was throwing up in another one of the bushes that were randomly there. I sprayed them with my water pistols

Nica later emerged; 'Can I have some TiC-TaCs!????'

'OMGZ! BAD BREATH!!!' I threw 50 packets at Nica.

'Much better.' Nica's breath was minty yet again.

We marched back to the beach still looking for Boone (and Sawyer, cuz Santa wanted to spread the LOVE around) and realised that the Losties were all gathered around something.

I pushed past everyone screaming "SANTA FIRST" and I realised that they had found a new package from the Dharma dudes that said Merry Xmas on the side.

'All right, move aside everyone,' Elf said. 'The officials are here to confiscate this important piece of STUFF and take it to the lair.'

'Hey, who says you can do that?' Charlzzzzz demanded.

'My freakin gun says I can bloody well do that ya freak Charelzzzzz!!!!!' I yelled. Charlie backed off when he saw Nica and her water pistol, but he got sprayed anyway.

'Lets look through it!' I said eagerly.

We opened up the package to a horrifying sight.

'HEALTH FOOD????????????? FRUITCAKE????? THIS IS EFFING CHRISTMAS NOT THE BLOODY HOMEMADE FRUITCAKE CONVENTION!!!!! WHERE ARE ALL THE CHOCOLATES????????' I screamed.

'They decided to get healthy on our jolly asses!!!!' Nica squealed.

We sprinted away from the health food as fast as we could.

Much later, in the evening when Christmas was almost over, we decided to give the losties a bit of Christmas cheer and we lit a big bonfire and ate chocolates and lollies that we had donated. (only the ones past their use buy date which Nica wouldn't touch) while we all talked and laughed together.

Talk about Christmas spirit. It was so Disney I almost puked later.

Hope ya liked it. We'll do a proper chapter soon, promise!!!!