Chapter Ten

"So, how was your talk with the Commander?" Solas asked as they sat on a log in the Fade.

She shrugged, "What do you mean?"

Solas smirked, his eyes squinting as they usually did when he was amused by something, "Why do you wish to know if he cares about you as I do?"

"Wouldn't you want to know?"

"No. I have you."

Her smile fell, fixing her eyes on the ground. She ran a hand through her hair and traced a path up her nose and along her forehead where her vallaslin was. It seemed so…empty. She seemed so empty, "But not after tomorrow, the fight with Corypheus…you're leaving. How do I know if I'll even see you again?"

"You don't," At least he was honest.

"Could the power you're seeking kill you?"

"It did not before," He said, though he didn't sound too certain.

"Please don't," She said, "Please. Please don't leave. I…can't stand the thought of losing you. Please, please don't leave."

"And I cannot stand the thought of another man raising my child, but here we are having a conversation about the Commander," He said so nonchalantly, she almost didn't even notice. "I want you to be happy. I want you to live a long, happy life, and I cannot be there for that."

"Why not?"

"I cannot bring you happiness. Not the kind that you deserve. Cullen is a good man. He would not pick up and leave out of nowhere. He could also provide the protection the Herald of Andraste – the Inquisitor – deserves. I cannot do that."

She was silent, nodding to herself like she understood. Maybe she did, deep down, but it certainly didn't matter at that point in time. He was going to leave, and she was going to be alone. Though he did not show it, his feelings echoed her own. How could he be so enticed with a mortal? One of Dalish decent? How could she bring him to his knees as she did?

She grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to her, resting her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her mid-back, squeezing her arm as he held her tight against his body. The spot on her head where his chin rest was beginning to hurt, but she didn't say anything. Every spot on their bodies where they touched where alive and on fire – but not with passion as they normally were. It was something…different. Something sullen and removed, as a though a lingering sadness or a departing soul.

"I suppose I had better teach you the ways of the Fade. How to use your mark to manipulate it. First things first, the Fade reflects the area around the dreamer. If you are asleep in Skyhold, you are most likely in the Fade in Skyhold. However, if you want to sleep in Skyhold and dream in Kirkwall, then –"

"I swear, all they do is sleep together!" Iron Bull penetrated their dreams, "And I don't even mean sexually! Come on, wake up! We aren't going to spend the night before a big battle asleep and depressed! We're going to play some Wicked Grace, strip style. Let's go! Fade-Boner can come too!" He was shaking the whole bed. They looked up at him through sleepy, bloodshot eyes, and Bull could not contain the joy on his face. Like a kid on Christmas morning. Ellie swatted him away and said they'd be downstairs in a moment.

"Everything comes off!" Sera shouted, "I mean everything! We aren't gonna play like some common folk who can't bear the thought of being naked in front of noble pish."

Cullen's face was red, "Strip Wicked Grace? Again?! Not if Josephine is playing!"

"Never bet against an Antivan," She smiled with venom.

Everyone was gathered around a long table in the center of the throne room. Several fireplaces were crackling and glowing with the warm feeling of home, something a lot of them didn't know much about. Solas wandered, Ellie wandered, Dorian wasn't happy in Tevinter, Bull was a travelling mercenary…they all liked the feeling of home.

"Alright, deal us in," Ellie said, taking a seat.

"Us?" Solas asked, "What do you mean us?"

"Sit down and lighten up, Fade-Boner!" Iron Bull set a mug of ale in front of the two and sat down opposite of them. Remembering what Solas had said earlier, Ellie pushed hers away.

"I am not good at this game," Ellie whined, "You can't be serious about the stripping part."

"So serious," Josephine said.

Ellie was down to her smallclothes before anyone else and Solas was shirtless. Everyone else was fully clothed. "Din ir solas," she growled. (I am not proud.)

"Dirthara ma," Solas laughed. (May you learn.)

"YOU'RE LOSING TOO!" She yelled, throwing her arms up.

Everyone laughed, despite not knowing what was previously said in the conversation. Solas put his hand on her leg, "fen'harel enansal." (Go with the Dread Wolf's blessing.)

"Don't give me that, you loser."

"Loser?" He smiled, "Says emma lath to the man still in his underwear," He said laying his cards down on the table.

"Ma emma harel," (You should fear me,) she said, her cards beating him out. Cullen, Cassandra, Sera and Solas all removed an article of clothing. Cassandra was just removing her armor, but no one said anything in fear of her throwing the table at them.

Varric laughed from his fully clothed position at the table. Cullen made a remark about how he thought he was going to win, and was immediately placed in just his underwear. Josephine's next hand had Ellie bare chested, and she awkwardly tried to cover herself by crossing her arms. Next hand played, Ellie was out, followed shortly by Solas. Blackwall had finally taken a piece of clothing off, while Josephine was still fully covered.

It didn't take long for Cullen and Cassandra to be completely out of the game, too. At the end of the night, the only one missing a single article of clothing was Josephine, again. They looked around to one another, awkwardly, wondering who would get up first to get their clothes. Then, Sera started laughing, and that threw the entire hall into a belly bursting, tear-inducing fit of laughter. This could very well be their last night together. They would go into battle half-asleep and hung-over the next day, but it didn't matter. Not a single one of them – Cullen, Josephine, Cassandra, and even Solas – could think of a better way to spend their final hours together.

Their laughter infected the rest of Skyhold – the patients in the infirmary getting up and walking around as best they could, talking to neighbors and healers, even if they never did before. Cole wandered in, and the sight of the naked people made him curious, but he could tell they were all happy. Happy, and sad. He wanted to help them, but they seemed to be helping themselves. He was glad. But there was one person who wasn't so happy after they replaced their clothes and moved from the table to one closer to a fireplace.

"He is angry. Angry at himself. He let you down. He let all of Skyhold and Thedas down. There was one thing he didn't want to do, and that was hurt you. It isn't a pain that can be healed overnight, he says. He means that of himself and you. He is very sorry. There is one person whose attention he craves, and yet…he does not have it at the moment," Cole said, appearing beside Ellie for a brief moment and disappearing like a puff of smoke.

"Umm…what is all of that about?" Iron Bull asked.

"Two guesses," Cullen said, noticing that Solas was gone.

They all got up to look for him in different rooms, Ellie going to her quarters. She remembered him saying that he was more comfortable there than anywhere else. When she found him, he was sitting on the railing of the balcony, watching the stars in the sky.

"That's a really high place to fall from," She said worriedly.

"I have excellent balance."

"That doesn't stop me from worrying about you."

"I know," he said, turning to face her, "I have been doing a lot of thinking today. And, I want you to know the truth because I respect you. But I know it will hurt you. I am not proud to do so."

"Okay," She held her breath as he walked towards her, putting his hand on her cheek. Dorian and Bull entered the room to see his forehead resting against hers, Solas's cheeks wet with tears. They immediately left them.

"I…will not be able to return," He let out the breath he had been holding in, "I am not sure how long it will take me, and I am uncomfortable with asking you to wait for me if I am unable to return in your lifetime."

"You think it will take that long?"

"It could. Or longer. But…I noticed the connection that you and Commander Cullen have, and I want you –"

"There is no connection, Solas. Ma emma lath, ma sa'lath." (You are my love, my one love.)

"I just want you to be happy. I am doing the complete opposite of that. Cullen can…I trust Cullen to be able to treat you and the baby right. Better than I can ever hope to accomplish. He can give you a stable home, and he would not just leave you for no reason. And he can provide better protection to the Herald…the Inquisitor than I can. Please." The please sounded so desperate that she wanted to cry.

"I want to help you. Please, let me help."

"Where I am going, you cannot. I am sorry. I must walk alone; this is not something I'd wish upon my enemies, let alone the woman I love."

"But –"

"You can help by just letting me do this myself, and moving on. Please. I…must take my leave now. I will be in my room if anything comes up."

"I'm sorry," she whispered as he left. He wanted to tell her that she had no reason to be sorry, but he knew if he turned back and said anything, he'd be inclined to stay and he couldn't walk away a third time. He already did twice; two times too many, as far as he was concerned. Two times too many that he had to hurt her, that he walked away without her by his side. He would explore the Fade, try to find solace in his friends - as much as he cared for them, though, they were not her.

She sat at her desk and began sorting her paperwork. Reports she already read, reports that needed reading, paperwork that was done, paperwork that needed done. She needed a bigger desk at this point. But then again, how long would the Inquisition stay together after Corypheus fell? Would getting a bigger desk even make sense at this point?

"Two hearts beat as one. He knows this, knows the creation, but he turns away," Cole appeared behind her, sounding far away. He was out on the balcony, perched on the railing as Solas was earlier.

"Not right now, Cole," She said, staring at the wall. She figured if she stared unblinkingly, she would dry out her eyes and the tears would stop coming. She was wrong. To busy herself, she grabbed from the stack on paperwork that needed done, and her mug fell to the ground, shattering. It was her favorite mug, too - it was stone, and it looked like a vase with flowers springing from the top. It was stupid, but she had the mug for what seemed like forever. She always took it with her, wherever she went. Like Solas, she kept a knapsack full of her things when she traveled. She never went without it, and it was at least ten years old. Cole stopped to help her pick it up, and she started crying. Over a mug.

"He said he can't come back?" Cole asked.

"He did."

"If it makes you feel any better, he honestly doesn't know if he can."

"It doesn't make me feel any better. But I'm glad he wasn't lying."

"You don't trust him," Cole said with a matter-of-fact tone. She did, but how was she supposed to when he was supposedly a trickster god? How was she to take anything seriously when he would talk in riddles to confuse her, or hide his identity from her in the first place?

"He is what you think he is. But he isn't. He thinks the same of you – you're different. More so than the rest. You're real. And if you can be real, so can anyone else. It scares him."

There was a long pause between what Cole said and even the next slightest movement in the room. Poof, Cole was gone and she was alone once again. Sleep was a distant thought, though it came up once or twice – the first time when she slammed her head off the desk, and the next when she stood in the Fade. Rocks – no...pieces of a building – aimlessly floated against the sickly green backdrop. They weren't too far apart in distance, and she could probably jump from one to another.

Amongst the debris and rubble, she saw a banner, red and gold, bearing the sigil of the Kirkwall Chantry. It was dark and cold, too cold. Cold enough that she was shaking, even while running and jumping across the rubble. Finally, she got to a level, large piece of concrete that seemed to stretch on for miles. There was a door halfway along that was on the ground, facing inwards. When she opened it, it fell into the floor and she jumped down inside.

The chantry was beautiful on the inside. Silks and cloths hung from the walls, people talked animatedly inside it's warmth. It was so much different from that of the Haven chantry that she was shocked at first. No stone inside, no moist smell, no dark corners where the flames couldn't reach. The floors were adorned with purple carpets and it smelled of lavender.

And then, a large pillar of red light shot above, the chantry seemingly disintegrating around her. And then she was alone, in the middle of the dark depths of the Fade again. But there was someone else...a hooded man. He stood off in the distance, the only visible part of him was his glowing blue eyes - it reminded her of a spirit.

She crept closer to him, and he flipped his hood down, "you're the Inquisitor," he said with shock, "and you're not a mage. You have some talent to control the Fade as you do."

"It's the mark, not me," she said sadly.

The mage, spirit, whatever it was wore his hair back in a small ponytail and it looked as though he hadn't shaved in a few days from the scruff on his face. His baggy eyes made him look exhausted, and he was shuffling awkwardly.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"I didn't do it, you know."

She cocked her head to the side and raised her eyebrows, "you mean the chantry?"

"Yeah."

"Are...you Anders?"

"I am. And Justice was the one to do that whole mess you just saw."

"I am sorry," she said.

"Hawke told me about you. She said you're tough and sweet. Seems she wasn't wrong."

"Thank you, I guess," she smiled, "Are you actually Anders? Or just a spirit?"

"Well, you tell me. Can't you use the mark to tell?"

"I don't know. Solas never told me," she frowned.

"Here, let me help you," he said, grabbing her anchored hand and setting it on his cheek, the only bare skin that was showing, "now, think," he tapped his temple with his finger, "feel deep in your soul, and feel with your mark. Does it feel any different? Can you feel my heartbeat? Can you hear the blood coursing through my veins?"

"No," she said defeatedly.

"It's okay. It'll take a minute or two. Just close your eyes and focus."

She did as he said, making sure to steady her breathing and focus on the mark, the feel of his scruff against the softness of her hand. She felt her mark thump against his cheek, the sound of blood rushing through her ears, like it did in the height of passion.

"You're Anders," she said, "I...felt you."

He smiled, "good. I'm glad I can help you."

"Is that why I found you?"

"I'm not sure, actually. I think you were looking for a mage to help you, and even though I'm not the mage you wanted, I am the mage that appeared."

"I don't remember what I was doing before I fell asleep, though."

"It doesn't matter. Unless you were specifically trying to fall somewhere in the Fade. Usually your subconscious brings you where you want to be. Did you perhaps want to see Hawke?"

She shook her head, "I don't think so."

"You said this Solas was supposed to help you with your mark. Did you want to see him?"

"It's...complicated," she sighed, "I do, but..."

"Ah. I get it. Do you wish me to help you?"

"If you could. I know Solas has experience in this magic that I have in my hand. He practically created it."

"Really?" Anders raised his eyebrow, "I thought it was the power of some ancient Elven Gods?"

"Yeah, sort of."

"I'll help you find him. Take my hand," he said, offering it to her. She linked her fingers into his, "okay, now hold your hand out in front of us. Yes, like that. And think, like before. With every fiber of your being. Think of him in his most intimate moments, the moments where he was most human to you, or anyone else. The moments where he let himself be weak. The smell of his skin against yours. His lips on your neck. Anything to make him appear. Can you see him?"

A small rift opened in front of them, and Solas was sitting in his normal spot, his form curled around a dark branch, his tail the only visible thing. Until he opened his eyes. All six of them, like she was staring at him straight on. He could sense he was being watched, but from where, he wasn't quite sure. And then, he got a scent of wildflowers. The smell of her bedroom, and he made a small growl, as to scare away whatever spirit was trying to mock him.

"Oh Maker...what is that thing?" Anders asked, "Is...is that the Dread Wolf?"

"Uh. No," she slammed the rift shut, her mark hissing in response, "besides, how do you know what Fen'Harel looks like?"

"Doesn't everyone? Is that the mage you were talking about?"

"No. I don't know who that was."

"You said it yourself it was Fen'Harel..."

She sighed in defeat, "it was. It was the mage I was looking for. He is Fen'Harel. That's the reason we aren't together anymore. He's afraid he'll hurt me."

"I hurt Hawke. Well, Justice did. But she knew it wasn't me, she knew Justice became more powerful the angrier I was. And I harbored a lot of anger. I hope he can forgive himself the way Hawke forgave me. If you're still willing to give him a chance, I don't see why he can't at least give you - and himself - the chance."

"He doesn't think he'll be done doing his duty in time."

"Go back to him. You carry his child, do you not?"

"Can mages just sense that? I didn't even know yet."

Anders chuckled, "Sort of. I was...am a healer. So it's just natural to me. Perhaps he was waiting for it to happen. Or he could smell it. You probably smell different to him now."

"That's...weird."

He smiled, "Yeah. Anyways, go to him. Maybe he'll listen to you in the Fade."

She nodded, "Thank you, Anders. I hope everything goes good for you and Hawke."

"We're a force to be reckoned with."

Ellie held her hand out in front of her, and thought the same thoughts as before. The rift showed the wolf now scouring the borders of the forest, anxiously. He was still looking for her, and he seemed to be getting really upset that he couldn't find her. She jumped through, landing as deftly as she could on a branch. The audible snap attracted Solas's attention, and then her screaming as she tumbled to the ground.

His legs pumped, paws slamming quietly off of the ground as he charged towards the tree. His claws dug in the bark as he sputtered towards her, propelling himself backwards, his breath slamming out of his lungs as she landed on his soft, furry stomach. They tumbled to the ground together, and he pinned her under his weight, his snout not even an inch away from her face as he growled, narrowing his eyes at her.

"Solas," she whispered, and in a puff of black, swirling smoke, the wolf was gone, and Solas was on all fours in its place

"Why did you come here?" his tone was low and husky, ending in a growl.

"You didn't say I couldn't visit you in the Fade."

"I suppose I did not. But I will politely ask you to leave me to myself, if you wouldn't mind."

She pushed him off of her and stood up, eager to leave in her embarrassment. He said he wanted to see her in the Fade, and she went through the trouble of trying to work out how to control her anchor only to have him tell her to leave her alone.

"I...I'm sorry," she stuttered, trying to hold her composure together, "I...okay. Alright. I'll leave. Bye."

He didn't say anything, just stood there with his chin high and his hands behind his back. He watched as she closed her eyes and held her hand out in front of her. The energy rippled and shook the ground, and for a second, it broke her concentration and the rift snapped shut. She shook her pulsating hand and tried again, not remembering the chantry floor shaking as it did there. And was it harder to concentrate? Was it because Solas was there? He was certainly making her more nervous.

She did it again, thinking of Skyhold, of her bed, and the inviting fire place. She thought of the time her and Solas spent together, tangled in the sheets. The breathless nights and the feeling of his body molded along hers. His fingers drawing small patterns in her back, the way his arms wrapped protectively around her. Her desk, covered in all of that paperwork. Cole bringing her cheese when she was upset. Vivienne stopping by, even though they didn't get along.

The rift burst to life, almost knocking her off of her feet. The energy was much stronger here, perhaps it was because Solas had to protect himself. Either way, her teeth hurt from grinding them while concentrating, and her mark hurt from the rift snapping alive.

Solas stood with his jaw slack, and his eyebrows arched high. The first though in his mind was "what the fuck," and the second thought was pure astonishment. If she was able to break through the barrier he erected, she was far more powerful than he originally thought. Or perhaps, the baby had magic powers and she could draw from that as well, but it wouldn't be nearly enough magic to break through the barrier.

He watched as she disappeared, not bothering to look back. He made her tired, to her core, even though she was asleep. If he was going to be rude, going to kick her out of her favorite place in the Fade, then she didn't want to see him in the Fade either. She felt comfortable there and now she wasn't even welcome anymore. She didn't know where to go or what to do. Again, she felt like a total outcast, not even wanted by the father of her supposed child. Not even in his dreams.