Leliana

I sat on the edge of the bed in my room, hands clasped in my lap, body wire tight, as though anticipating an attack. Even the moon filtering through the window could not calm my soul. I shuddered as I remembered the manic look in Salem's eyes as she gazed on the body of the dead knight.

As though she wanted to open the woman's skin and lie there, still and marble pale, at peace with the world. When I first saw her, she was broken, clean lines of sorrow and pain. But this…what I have witnessed from her tonight. It is as though something has shattered, razor bladed, fragmented, a snarlball tangle of emotions so deeply wrapped in on themselves that they have no beginning, end, or true voice.

The door opened and my body jerked. I bit my lip, hoping that Salem had not seen my reaction, lest it…damage her further? I doubt that is possible. Oh, Maker…I looked into my wife's face as she gazed at me, heart clenching in pain as I saw the agony, utter and complete, written into her silver-blue eyes.

Salem moved to the fireplace, her limp pronounced. She leaned against the mantle, buried her face in her hands, and sighed.

I wanted nothing more than to go to her, offer comfort and concern, a caring touch and tender kiss. But I could not…for she would do as I had done. Ignore all else for the sake of a moment of bliss and surrender.

"I should go." Salem spoke before I could think of a thing to say. "I am a wreck and you are afraid."

"I am not afraid." I countered, trying to find something to cling to…a way to say the difficult words that so desperately needed spoken.

"I can smell it on you." her voice was…dark. The low, lyric notes that I so loved were warped and twisted, deep and grating, nearly inhuman. "We can speak another time."

She turned from me and started for the door and a ferocity rose in me as she turned her back. No! No, I will not lose her!

"No." I spoke, and my words were laced with steel. "Another time may not exist for us, Salem."

"Do not try me further, Leli." she warned. "I am not myself this night."

"Cease trying to spare me the darker part of yourself!" I exclaimed, striding to the door and blocking it with my body. "Salem, please, I am at my wit's end and I do not know how to even approach you!"

"Back away, Leliana." she growled, and I shivered, afraid of the menace in her voice.

"No." I said, backing against the door, securing myself in the knowledge of her love, the knowledge that those hands would never be raised in violence against me, even though memories fired through my mind like arrows from my bow, recalling Marjolaine's fury and the bitter price of failure. "No, I will not back down."

"Leliana…"

"Hear me out!" I shouted, not caring who might hear. "I love you, Salem Cousland! I want everything! I want the blood, the death, the wounds and the pain! I want the nightmares that wrack your soul and the anguish behind your eyes!"

"Do not lie to me!" Salem's eyes sparked and her voice rose, fierce and accusing. "Do not tempt me with sweet promises of love! I swore myself to you; I have sacrificed peace and my sanity for your sake!"

"Do not spell out before me yet another litany of your sacrifices!" I hissed. "Is that your shield now, Warden Commander?! Is this how you protect yourself from the cruel realities of life!? By hiding in that shell of martyrdom and guilt and burdens that you cannot seem to exist without!?"

"Says the woman who lived in fear that I did nothing to inspire!?" Salem asked, her words like knives against my skin. "I cared for you and carried you, bled for you and died for you! And for what? For the woman who walks away to tell me she wants everything? How can you even claim the truth of those words when you have never remained beside me long enough to witness the extent of everything!?"

"How could I even attempt to begin when you do nothing but lock your heart away!?" I asked, desperate, hurting, terrified.

"I. Am. Broken!" she screamed, a wail of consummate anguish and a pain so deep that it would bring the heartless to tears. A pain that had no end, a torment without ceasing. "But I have tried! Leliana..." she collapsed to her knees and lifted her hands in supplication, "…how can I give you what has no name? Every moment without you has been a dagger in my gut, exsanguinating my very soul! Since you left, I have been assailed by enemies on all sides. Howe's son, a volatile mage, a murderous elf, a broken country, every voice screaming and pleading and clamoring for my help or calling for my death and I can give them nothing, for I. Am. Nothing!"

You are everything, old words from her lips whispered against my ears and tears vaulted from my eyes and spilled down my cheeks, hot and thick as blood. To me, you are everything.

"Do not say that." I begged.

"I have never denied you the truth." she spoke, defeated. "Such a thing is not within me. But this time without you…I have subsisted on memories of us; heavens, hells, and angels, Leliana, I have hallucinated the sound of your voice. I have foregone sleep so that I do not dream of you in torment. I let the son of Rendon Howe walk free, because of your belief in redemption, and I have woken with a blade at my throat for that choice. And he let me live, Leliana. He let me live because I splayed before him the hell that is my existence…and in realizing that death would be merciful, he sentenced me to torture!"

Salem…I lifted a hand to cover my mouth as I breathed in jerking, silent sobs. Oh, Salem, can it be true? Can it be true that you…you should have died that day atop Fort Drakon? That it would have brought you peace? No…no…Maker, this cannot be true…for if it is, I am to blame for this pain. She walked out of Heaven…for me.

I knelt before her and cupped her face in my hands, lifting her agonized, tortured, tear-filled eyes to mine. "Salem, why?" I asked the difficult question. "You could have anything you desire, peace and freedom and even…even death. Why would you not spare yourself this torment?"

Her lips trembled and her brow creased in confusion and hurt. "I…I made you a promise."