A/N: The last chapter wasn't very eventful but I enjoyed the Malec time. Thank you to those who reviewed! This chapter is a tougher to read. Please leave me a review when you're done! As a side note, I'm assuming that Alec has killed at least one demon at this point.

Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Warnings: This chapter involves self-destructive behavior. Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

Learning to Be

Chapter 9: Frozen

Alec got out of the subway and walked towards the intersection Jace had texted him. The sun had fully set but the city was still alive with groups of people making their way through the streets. After a few turns, Alec found himself in a deserted area of the neighborhood. All he had with him was his stele. He had applied some routine runes but he was starting to think it would have been wiser for him to wait at the subway station for his siblings. Jace said he would bring his seraph blade and bow and arrows.

He cautiously walked down the street and was soon greeted by a shape-shifting demon. The demon was disguised as a woman. It was wearing a tight, low-cut blouse, torn jean shorts that barely covered it's backside and bright blue heeled boots. It sauntered towards Alec and he internally groaned. The demon didn't know he was a shadowhunter but at the same time, he didn't have a weapon to kill it.

"Hi there blue-eyes," the demon drawled, smiling seductively at the teenager.

Alec held back a flinch at the nickname. He would not show any weakness.

"What brings you to my humble little alley?" The demon leaned forward, inches away from Alec and dragged it's fingers along his cheek. Unable to control his body's reaction, he shuddered visibly and stepped back.

"I guess I got lost," he replied, hoping he would be able to stall until his siblings arrived.

"Well, don't be shy. I'm sure I can entertain you for a bit." It cupped the sides of Alec's face and claws suddenly extended from the manicured fingers. Alec immediately locked his arm around the demon's neck and flipped it back before kicking it swiftly in it's gut. The demon was crumbled against a wall, hissing softly.

"You're strong for a little boy," it hissed, the voice no longer seductive. It got up, eyes blazing like fire. Scales seemed to appear all over it's exposed skin. "But I'll enjoy devouring you, blue-eyes."

The demon flew at Alec but he quickly ducked and flung his fist into it's face. Greenish liquid spilled from the demon's mouth.

"Didn't your mother teach you not to hit a woman?" The demon's voice was sounding less and less human.

Before Alec could reply, he saw a flash of something pass between himself and the demon. The end of a long whip curled around the demon's neck and the demon was instantly jerked away from him.

"Catch," Jace called and Alec raised his hand just in time to catch his seraph blade at it's hilt. He lunged forward and plunged the blade straight through the demon's chest and watched as the monster slowly grew smaller, disappearing all together within seconds.

His siblings jogged towards him. Izzy was drawing in her whip as they approached the older boy. "What the hell were you thinking, coming out here alone?" Izzy scolded as Jace handed over his bow and arrow.

"You should have waited at the subway station," Jace added.

"I can take care of myself," Alec muttered annoyed, even thought he knew they were right.

"I know that," Isabelle said gently. "But you didn't even have a weapon."

"I was doing a pretty good job stalling."

"Two days in a row and I've seen no action," Jace complained as the trio turned away from the street.

"In more than one way," teased Izzy.

Jace frowned. "Clary is just busy."

Alec ignored the two, his thoughts consumed with figuring out how he would slip away from them. It would be out of his way to go back to the Institute and then sneak out and go to Brooklyn. He contemplated just staying at the Institute for the night but instantly felt nauseous.

"You okay, Alec?" Izzy asked, looking at him with concern.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking."

xxxxxx

With no other option that didn't involve telling his siblings where he was going, Alec ended up returning to the Institute. He had just showered and was getting ready to sneak back outside. He had told Jace and Izzy that he was heading to bed.

He changed into a clean pair of jeans and a grey sweater and threw some night clothes and toiletries into a bag.

He grabbed his phone and sent a quick text to Magnus, saying that he was on his way before storing it in his pocket.

Alec snuck out of the Institute without bumping into anyone. He was walking down 92nd Street towards the 96th Street train station on Lexington when he felt his pocket vibrate. He paused and fished out his phone.

Magnus the Magnificent: Looking forward to your arrival :)

Alec smiled and an unfamiliar warm feeling swept over him. He was just about to respond when he felt someone else's presence. He snapped his head up and noticed a man approaching him.

It took him a moment to register the identity of the man and by then the man was standing in front of him.

"Alexander."

Alec stared at the man, his mind unable to comprehend what was happening. He was frozen, the man from his nightmares standing in front of him. He was nearly as tall as Alec but he was significantly broader than the teenager. His brown hair was slicked back and he wore all black, the tips of runes peeking out from underneath his collar and sleeves. To anyone else, he looked like an ordinary man. To Alec, he was a monster; a monster far worse than the most terrifying demon imaginable.

Despite being taller, Alec felt dwarfed as the man stood in front of him. Alec wanted to move. He wanted to ignore the man and keep walking but his body wasn't responding to his pleas. His chest hurt and his breathing was coming out in ragged breaths.

"Hey, Alec, you need to calm down," the man said, his voice laced with false concern. Alec saw the hand reach for him and yet he still couldn't move. The hand clamped onto his shoulder and it was like his entire body was unraveling. He didn't even register his body moving. He jerked away so violently, he felt his neck straining at the quick movement.

He stumbled backwards until he was leaning against the window of a bakery. The moon illuminated the man as he approached him. Alec was trapped. He wanted to say something. He wanted to yell and scream at the man but his voice was stuck, like something was keeping it hostage.

"Alexander, you've grown so much," Manson said, standing in front of him, with only an inch between them.

Alec turned his face away from him, his cheek now pressed against the cold glass. He felt fingers brush against his neck and Alec felt like he wanted to dissolve on the spot, disappear like the demon he had killed earlier.

"You're still so beautiful."

His body was shaking, the tremors vibrating through his body. He clenched his eyes shut, unwanted tears trailing down his face.

"How I wish you were still young, though." The voice was a whisper, hot breath brushing against his ear.

A thumb pressed against the corner of his eye, catching his tears. "Do you still not talk, Alexander? You were always so obedient, weren't you? You kept our little secret. If only your brother hadn't ruined everything."

He stepped away from Alec. "And now you are too old."

Alec's body was still trembling and he kept his eyes closed. It hurt to breathe and his heart pounded relentlessly behind his ribcage. Any faster and it would explode from within.

"I still dream about our time together."

The man was still talking.

"I hope you dream about us too."

Alec felt his body sinking to the ground.

"Good night, Alexander."

xxxxxx

The wind howled, biting into Alec's face and arms. He didn't know how long he had sat on the ground in front of the bakery. He felt numb. His skin did not register the cold air. His face was dry. The tears had dried and left stains that traced down his cheeks. He stared blankly forward, his legs sprawled in front of him and his fingers digging into his thighs. Something wet seeped into his pants but he didn't register that either.

He could hear a ringing sound from nearby but he tried to ignore it. It continued to ring insistently and it was like something pounding in his head. He just wanted it to stop and leave him alone. He grabbed at the source of the sound and flipped his phone open.

He could hear a faint sound coming from the phone that lay beside him.

"Alec?"

Stop, Alec thought. Why hand't the sounds stopped. He picked up the phone and pressed it to his ears.

"Alec, where are you? It's been almost two hours since you texted. One does not keep the High Warlock waiting, dear Nephilim."

"Go away." Alec's voice was barely a whisper.

There was a moment of silence and Alec felt relieved.

"Alec, where are you?"

Alec didn't say anything.

"Are you at the Institute?"

"No," Alec replied, as if on autopilot.

"Are you near my place?"

"No."

"Alec, listen carefully. Tell me exactly where you are."

"Will you go away?"

"Yes Alec. If you tell me where you are, I will hang up."

Alec paused. It was hard to think. Where was he?

"I'm on 92nd between 1st and 2nd."

"Okay, Alec. I'm hanging up now."

"Thank you," was the teenager's simple reply.

xxxxxx

Magnus paced the length of his living room. He had called the shadowhunter to scold him for making him wait but when he finally got a hold of the boy, he was greeted by a broken, barely audible voice. Something was definitely wrong. Despite only receiving a little information, Magnus knew something was terribly wrong.

He could get a hold of Alec's siblings, as they were probably at the Institute and closest to Alec but somehow, Magnus knew that this would devastate the already fragile teenager. He didn't know how he knew this but it was a feeling he couldn't shake whenever he thought of the option.

He could just leave it. He shouldn't be so invested in this shadowhunter anyway. He barely knew him and he was obviously too complicated to deal with. He dismissed the thought immediately. Despite everything, he was already invested and besides, any decent person would know that something was terribly wrong.

That left him with two options—take the train or portal to Alec's location. He paused from his pacing and lifted his hands, blue sparks jumping from his fingertips. If something was seriously wrong, he couldn't wait for the 45 minutes it would take to get there by train.

He stumbled out of the portal and allowed it to close before registering his surroundings. He had landed at the corner of 92nd and 1st and quickly made his way down the street. Under the faint glow of the moon and the streetlights he could see a figure seated against a storefront and he found himself jogging towards him.

When he reached the figure, he gasped, unable to hold in his shock. Alec was seated against a large window, his eyes barely open. His phone was laying beside him along with a backpack. It was opened and beside it was a razor, lined with blood. His arms were draped over his legs, long gashes littering both his forearms. Magnus looked down carefully and noticed that he hadn't nicked any major arteries but blood had still soaked into his pants and had started to stain the sidewalk.

Alec's eyes fluttered open, his blue eyes staring at him blankly. "Go away," he muttered.

"My dear Alec, what have you done?" Magnus didn't know what to think but he knew he needed to get the boy out of the street and stop the bleeding.

Magnus grabbed the razor and closed it. He grabbed Alec's phone and dropped both items in his pocket. He zipped up the backpack and slung it over his shoulder before he opened up a new portal. Thankfully, he hadn't used much magic today and would have enough energy to heal the boy but first, he was going to get him back to his loft.

He bent down and placed one arm behind his back and another under his knees.

"No," moaned Alec. "Leave me alone."

"Hey, it's going to be okay," Magnus said, soothingly as he picked up the shadowhunter. Magnus could feel the blood starting to seep into his shirt as he turned to the portal. He held the teenager tightly and stepped into the portal, disappearing from the quiet neighborhood, leaving behind only the dark stains in the concrete.

A/N: Alec! This was tough. Let me know what you think.